As Thursday’s episode in New Orleans did not record and Wednesday’s began late for me last week, this is the first time I’ve seen the new American Idol opening, featuring Jennifer Hudson and Adam Lambert (they are STILL trying to make him happen-happen) along with the winners. They even have a separate White Guy With Guitar section featuring David Cook, Kris Allen, and Lee DeWyze (they are NEVER gonna try and make him happen). Guess what? The opening is still lame and it has not changed my life. Nor has it changed yours.
If you even think that intro paragraph gives you carte blanche to discuss any of those people (Granted…I could handle some Jennifer Hudson talk. How can anyone not adore that girl?), you’re clearly an idiot. THIS IS SEASON 10. Forget the past, dammit. Of course, since we are in Milwaukee this evening, I do believe it is fair to discuss one formal Idol contestant if you so desire. Just look at that goon.
No matter where Danny Gokey puts his hands, they always seem to be shaping a damned heart.
$25 says Jennifer Lopez had never heard of Milwaukee before this evening. She thinks Lake Michigan looks like the ocean. Hey…it is a big lake, so I assume she was attesting to this fact after Randy called it an ocean. Or maybe she was trying to correct him. Oh who cares. Steven Tyler is howling his crazy babble and I just showed up for the crazy babble howls.
(Dear American Idol. We are not idiots. Stop trying to make us believe Jackson, Lopez and Tyler saw thousands of wannabes audition. And yes. I will say this during EVERY SINGLE ARDUOUS AUDITION SHOW.)
Scotty gets coverage of him doing shit in his hometown of Garner, North Carolina. He is 16. His name is Scotty. He also wears a big fat cross and sings country music. He’s like a pickup truck Clay Aiken. This kid is a one-trick pony. Steven Tyler asks him to sing something that stands the test of time. We then learn Randy Jackson once produced something for Travis Tritt. I still think Scotty McCreery is a one-trick pony, but if Michael Bay goes back to directing Chevy commercials, he should totally sing for that campaign. Scotty McCreery just sounds like a Chevy truck commercial.
Well hellfire, save matches, f**k a duck and see what hatches.
Oh Steven Tyler. I so cannot wait for when this show goes live.
You already know this guy is going to be humiliated given the fact he looks like Peter Griffin and is an aspiring radio DJ in Toledo who goes by the name Big Joe. I suspect he might be okay with humiliation, as he is likely doing this for a radio station stunt. I also cannot believe this guy is…this guy is…19?
The judges tell them to keep his day job. Big Joe keeps singing. But hey, Big Joe, you will probably get a little bit of fame in Toledo after this, no? And maybe even a big fat radio job! Exposure is everything.
Golly gee. Another 15-year-old. A 15-year-old with a terrible dye job, which is how younguns express themselves. Bad dye jobs. She’s wanted to be on the show since seeing Kelly Clarkson win during Season 1. Emma sings True Colors and her voice is mildly interesting, yet not mature enough. There are shades of say, Adele, but she does not really seem to have much control over it yet. But she’s too young. Her voice is just not there. I am also shocked I agree with Jennifer Lopez on this one, but she just ain’t ready. J. Lo says no. Steven says yes (she’s a young girl wearing a skirt). IT IS ALL UP TO RANDY. And Randy is totally RIGHT. Give this girl a couple of years. Hey, the show might not be on by then but for chrissake, you’re only 15 little Emma Skunkhair. But this gives Stevie Tyler another chance to let out one of his high-pitched whoops and Emma’s tears get her a ticket to Hollywood.
Another commercial. Promising more tears, more girls with flowers in their hair, and a Civil War reenactment after the break.
THE PART WHERE THEY SHOW SEVERAL PEOPLE WHO SUCK DONKEY BALLS
So you tell people you have a bluesy voice. Like Frank Sinatra. And then you come out swinging (literally) to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance?
Juanita Borges is JUANITA GORGEOUS! This luscious lady has DListed Hot Slut of the Day written all over her face. From the her black Wet ‘N’ Wild lips to the crushed black velvet mid-drift baring boudoir ensemble, finishing off with lucite stilettos as seen in your favorite backwoods strip club, Juanita is perfection in plumpness. So…is she pregnant?
Also singing Bad Romance. Why do I have a feeling there’s gonna be a Bad Romance montage at some point?
Kanisha screams Alicia (Keys) and looks like she’s in the midst of trying to take a crap after eating nothing but cheese for 2 days straight. Yawn.
(Kody totally did this on a dare. Which is why he asked for a hug and a sip of Randy’s Coke Zero.)
Truth be told, I had no idea Milwaukee was home to the world’s biggest music festival. Have I ever even heard of this Summerfest?
Even though she has a flower in her hair, Naima Adedapo also has dreads and wears the colors of Africa. She also has two daughters and cries nicely. Her career is termed Grounds Cleanup on the chryon. She is also quite striking. (We already know she’s made it to the Top 40, btw.) She might just even have a fun personality. She is also the first contestant I’ve seen this season who actually kind of EXCITES me.
(Cut to me. Still waiting for the Civil War reenactment.)
Who cares how she does? Jovan gets MAD PROPS for singing Jenny From The Block! Do you guys remember that video? You know who wishes they could forget it? Well, besides Ben Affleck. Jennifer Lopez. It just brings back too many memories and bitch is staring daggers.
Idiot with a Will Ferrerll complex shows up in some silver pajamas with a giant toothbrush. A complete gimmick. (He’s also 54? And a dentist?) A complete gimmick lacking any bit of actual humor. Next, please.
Jerome is a Bar Mitzvah singer, good looking, and a snappy dresser. So is he Jewish? I don’t exactly know what American Idol would do with a Jew of Color. It might confuse. Heads might explode. Jerome belts out a satisfactory Let’s Get It On full of bombast. He’s nothing you haven’t seen before and nothing you won’t ever see again. But give him the ticket. Shalom.
Obligatory Justin Bieber bit in the hopes tweens are watching. Some 5-year-old sings. This gives Ryan Seacrest a chance to talk about all those talented 15-year-olds. He even admits they want the next Bieber. HA. HA. Not gonna happen. I’m getting kind of bored…
Here she is! This is the girl everyone just loves, singing Adele! Thia Megia was heavily promoted in the pre-season advertisements. Thia Megia was on America’s Got Talent. I don’t care what This Lego My Eggo teenager sounds like. Homegirl is a plant. And why can’t high school kids like, just be high school kids? And have aspirations of going to college while doing show choir or joining a band or something. Blame the parents. Thia Megia really needs a TIGER MOTHER. (BTW, I like Tiger Mom. Rock on, Tiger Mom.)
American Idol is pretty much taking any teenager who comes a’knocking just because those menopausal frumpy ladies foaming at the mouth and plucking their chin hairs while watching and voting every week have done nothing but sink their once-powerful brand.
CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT TIME! FINALLY!
No. He’s not a hippie. Hippies believe in sex.
Finally. An original gimmick. I’m not sure if this kid is batshit crazy or just a guy who came up with a fairly decent gimmick to get some screen time. Perhaps I should thank that fucker Jared Loughner for making me raise one eyebrow out of concern whenever I see a 22-year-old dude spouting some cray-cray. And I’ve never heard of any Civil War reenactor engaging in a killing spree at a supermarket, so I’m just gonna assume Nathaniel Jones is the good kind of crazy we need a bit more of during these tedious American Idol audition shows.
Plus, the dude gets props for singing The Lion Sleeps Tonight and…kinda sorta somewhat on key. It is by no means good. By no means. But it captured the spirit…of something. THANK YOU STEVEN TYLER. You spoke the truth. Maybe not for American Idol, but somewhere, somewhere perhaps. Somewhere the lions sleep at night in Gettysburg or something.
I have no fraking clue but this is one of the most FANTASTIC AUDITIONS EVER. Finally a few actual moments of exquisitely dreadful entertainment. Alas. I think he was humiliated so now I’m kind of sad. I’m sensitive.
Molly DeWolf Swensen
Molly just graduated from Harvard and is a current White House intern. She loves Obama. Molly has blond hair and her name is Molly but I desperately want to love her, and not just because Randy accidentally punched her in the mouth while running around giving high fives earlier that day. Look at this girl. Look at how she can be used in the fight against lunatic Republicans with her blond hair and slender, Ann Coulter frame. How is Fox even allowing such things? I want to love Molly, but for chrissake, Harvard? THE WHITE HOUSE? Let’s just break it down. FUCK AMERICAN IDOL. Why are you here? OMG Molly is an alto. Molly I love you. I love you so much I just don’t want you to be here.
It is now Day 2! How can this be? I’ve been watching this shit show for the last 5 hours. It must get better. I mean, Steven Tyler needs to just do a reality show where he shares a house with Keith Richards. Who wouldn’t watch it? Tyler is even campaigning for a role as Keith Richards’ brother / Johnny Depp’s uncle in Pirates of the Carribbean 16: Deep Seas Rehab.
(If Milwaukee only has Danny Gokey and Summerfest to offer musically, well then. Why are you playing Violent Femmes’ classic ode to masturbation?)
This is the closest I’ve seen to Steven Tyler creep on a young girl all night. Boo. Yeah, its sometimes inappropriate and creepy, but its not like Bret Michaels hasn’t done worse and gotten several seasons of VH1 for it. And what the hell else are aging rock stars supposed to do?
Haley’s voice is fine, I guess. But she’s boring. She has not attended Harvard or interned at the White House. I don’t even think she’s snorted meth inside a port-a-potty. Haley also feels the music in an annoyingly cloying way. She has the personality of a house plant. And Jennifer Lopez is wearing quite possibly the lamest, cheesiest shirt ever made that costs thousands of coin. A fraking treble clef on a silk t-shirt boasting a rhinestone crewneck? Even Randy Jackson thinks you look stupid.
Its pronounced Taiwan. Yeah. Like the country. I wonder where this name came from. I wonder how many people, upon meeting Tiwan Strong, say Hey Tiwan on me! The 29-year-old child care person sings an oldie and charms the judges. He’s good enough for Hollywood. He kind of looks like a pocket-sized Shaq, too! Me? I really want to go the beauty shop with every single woman in his family because this looks like hella fun. And that is no-lye. (NO! The little one was so excited, she got a charley horse!)
A CPA. An auditor. He doesn’t have many friends. Quick. Someone look for his OKCupid.com profile! The dude is also wearing flip flops and I can’t stop staring at them. Men in flip flops just don’t work. As expected, Steve’s not too terrible a singer. His voice is a bit high and I’m not sure how much control he has over it, but he’s not bad–even if he makes J. Lo tell some forgettable story about her kid. (She did that so we will think she’s all sorts of caring mother or something.) Steve is going to Hollywood. In his flip flops, I imagine. Hey, at least he has a good day job to fall back on.
Vernika is singing Minnie Ripperton’s Lovin’ You. Trivia: Who is Minnie Ripperton’s daughter? Answer: Maya Rudolph. LA-LA-LA-LA-LA–LA-LA-LA-LA-LA–LA-LA-LA-LA. Vernika is not happening, but at least you learned something. Ooooh. We are not done. Vernika is gonna shank a bitch. I can sing better than half of these people in the competition. She thinks its because she’s not skinny. Randy then points to a hidden photo of Ruben Studdard or something.
THAT’S A MAN! I’m talking about females.
Randy then says how the first winner wasn’t…then cuts himself off. Oh, Randy Jackson. You had your stomach stapled and you got your moobs back. Don’t you dare even call Kelly Clarkson fat.
REQUISITE ANGRY PEOPLE MONTAGE
Albert Rogers III
(Dear Saturday Night Live, having Fred Armisen imitate our African-American Commander In Chief is pretty lame. I think you guys need this dude.) Albert Rogers III, btw, was not as terrible as the judges purported him to be.
I had no idea this surname existed outside of Rodney. Student teacher Scott Dangerfield (How is he not one of the floppy-haired 15-year-old boys?) shows up with lipstick. Claims he was kissing someone. It gives Steven Tyler a chance to sing Piece of My Heart. I’m really glad J. Lo doesn’t ever interject with singing, but I don’t believe she would ever be caught without Autotune. Back to Scott Dangerfield…he’s not bad. But he sort of sounded like I assumed he would sound when he showed up. And I do not believe he is 22-years-old. Do 22-year-olds look this young these days? But remember that 19-year-old Big Joe? He looked at least 30. And what am I talking about? I look 27! I’m really grasping at things to talk about here, can you tell?
This is a real person. This is a real shirt. This is a real person wearing a real shirt.
Why is this girl wearing this hideous SkyMall button-down and not a Packers jersey. Her family isn’t even wearing Packers attire. NOT TRUE FANS. I don’t even care how much they shout LAMBEAU FIELD or GO PACK GO with their quaint Wisconsin accents. To continue on with the theme of WTF, Megan reaches a true crescendo when her mouth shapes into a perfect O and out comes Justin Bieber’s Baby. (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh yes. It popped right out of her operatic mouth.)
Ally wants to bring more rock & roll to American Idol. Ally is cute. If Ally sings well, I will love Ally. Ally loves Steven Tyler. Instead of being weird like those ones they showed us last week, this time, its all sorts of adorbs.
You look like you could be…one of my friends.
Loves it. All sorts of adorbs! Ally sings The Beatles’ Come Together. (Quick! Someone find me a Kris Allen tard who says HOW DARE SHE? There must be one, right? Go scan your Twitter.) I love Ally…even if, as Steven Tyler says, she’s a bit pitchy. I think he just wanted to call someone pitchy. She then belts out Dream On. (Now find me a Danny Gokey tard who says HOW DARE SHE?) Now Steven Tyler must decide her fate. Oh Stevie, don’t ruin her dream. Thank you, Stevie Tyler. Remember, she looks like she could be…one of your friends.
UNNECESSARY RECAP OF THOSE WE SAW 6 HOURS AGO BEFORE MANIPULATIVE SOB STORY
Saving the ULTIMATE FRAU BAIT, 26-year-old Chris Medina looks like the love child of Jack Black and Season 5 contestant, Walking VD Constantine Maroulis. He wears his fiancee’s photo somewhere. He proposed to her in a Starbucks. I guess he works there. Don’t get me started on my feelings towards Starbucks, let alone proposing in a fraking Starbucks. Sometime after, there was a bad car accident and his fiancee was severely injured. They thought she was brain dead. She woke up. But she’s pretty much in a vegitative state. Her mother and him are her caretakers. They have no problem showing her in this condition on TV. Tell me, dear reader — WHAT DO YOU THINK? Is it necessary? Do you feel as if you’ve been manipulated? Do you, like me, wonder about these young men from Milwaukee (cough Danny Gokey cough) who like to sing and have dead or almost-dead wives/almost-wives? Is it something in the water?
Chris Medina sings The Script’s Breakeven and sets the hearts of 1000 bored frauen aflutter. (I can think of one in particular. You know who I’m talking about…First there was Cook…then Gokey…then your cousin Phil DeWheezy…now Chris Medina. She likes those of a particular age with a particular kind of sob story.) Holy shit. They brought the fiancee. (Why do they keep calling her girlfriend? Are you demoted to the role of girlfriend if in any sort of vegetative state?) I can’t even take a photo of this shit. The poor girl is involuntarily shaking in her wheelchair and has no idea what is going on. There’s just something about it…what’s that word? Its not the willies. But its like the willies. But not quite the willies. It’s just all so wrong. Even worse than proposing marriage at a Starbucks in between the branded thermal mugs and Sheryl Crow CDs.
Wow. How many hours was that? Tomorrow night, Idol goes somewhere else. Can’t recall, but its only an hour. Until then, my friends: