Jersey Bore: American Idol 10 begins

So…if I missed the first 20 minutes, will the entire 10th season of American Idol be ruined for me?

I am faced with a scruffy stoner (Caleb Hawley) singing the happy blues who earns awesome howling from Steven Tyler, a trite 15-year-old (Kenzie Palmer) with a voice I’ve heard a million times before singing barefoot (How novel! This must mean she’s an ORIGINAL. Wait. She’s not barefoot. Those are just Grecian sandals.) and Steven Tyler. Steven fraking Tyler. What do you see when you look in the mirror? Why is Randy Jackson being entirely useful? Is it because he finally took off those annoying little kids’ plastic bead bracelets? And is this not the best acting you’ve EVER seen by Jennifer Lopez? She’s almost coming off as…nice…A bunch of other people make it. Some Megan Fox-y girl in black leather. I believe that was also Jordan Dorsey we saw collecting a golden ticket. Everyone seems so happy. It is disconcerting. There is no Simon Cowell looking bored.

Surely I missed something in those first 20 minutes that would lead to all of this making the slightest bit of sense.

Achille Lovle
As soon as Achille announces she is from the Ivory Coast and is going to sing Madonna’s Dress You Up, you know where this is going. Those Idol producers in the preliminary rounds just love foreigners with funny accents!

Rather than pretending they’re in NYC, American Idol has embraced the fact only New Jersey will have them. And I so called it. Young people watch Jersey Shore, therefore, American Idol believes young people will watch them if they bring a bit of Jersey Shore into the mix. We are forced to watch Ryan Seacrest engage in fist pumping. But it is not the same. There is no JWOWW. No Vinny. No Paulie D. No Snooki. No The Situation. It’s like watching a show all about Sammi and Robbie. Do not want.

Tiffany Rios
Tiffany is not Snooki. Snooki would not wear silver stars on her breasts. Tiffany is Puerto Rican. Tiffany is a dance instructor who adores Jennifer Lopez. She cries. JLo hugs her. It has only been a few minutes, but I have lost all confidence in Jennifer Lopez’s acting ability. She is completely fake. Tiffany somehow gets a golden ticket because she sings better than anyone thought a guidette wearing stars on her tits would ever sing.

SLIGHT MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK…

Robbie Rosen
You know Robbie is going to go far since you see childhood photos and watch him playing a benign game of catch with his father. Robbie was once paralyzed and he fell out of a wheelchair. I am going to hell because all I can think about is him falling out of his wheelchair onto his nose. Robbie has a gigantic schnoz. And I feel so bad for fixating on it that I forget to moan and groan about the goddamned sob story factor. Robbie is only 16! ZOMG. He sings Yesterday. Did I mention he was once in a wheelchair? I once hitched a ride to an after party on a disabled vet’s motorized wheelchair with my friend, Nicole. I stood on the battery pack as the cool March breeze ran through my hair. Nicole sat on his lap. She held our handbags and drinks. He was sad when he dropped us off and could not get up to the party as there were lots of steps. Oh…college…

Robbie seems like a sweet kid.

How much did they pay the Vietnamese girl to say she was looking for Ellen?

Jennifer Lopez wants this entire show to be all about her. But we are also supposed to believe all a bunch of young girls and one balding woman would let Steven Tyler do naughty things to them. Tyler also loves telling young girls they are sexy. I am mildly amused. I rather feel Steven Tyler is sort of one of those people one could never ever hate. Then again, I’ve spent almost 11 years of my life in Boston. But when your face begins to look like Joan Rivers, I don’t know, buddy. Lay off the face lifts and the Botox for breakfast.

Chris Cordeiro
Chris is a Boy Scout who does not want you to text while driving. Jennifer Lopez has no idea what people wear while fishing. The hat Chris wears lets us know ahead of time he’s gonna sing Sinatra…badly. This guy’s schtick could be funnier, but his family is kind of all sorts of win. I think the grandmother really enjoyed cuddling Seacrest. I also cannot comprehend how contestants are unable to figure out how to leave a room they just entered.

Michael Perotto
Worcester’s Michael Perotto busts out an Idol standard — Proud Mary. He also belches a lot and looks older than 19.

Did you eat a lot of paint chips as a child?

We now know Steven Tyler loves Tommy Boy. And Perotto must be in theater. It’s quite odd, really, because there are some strange moments where his voice almost does something good, like in a weird Taylor Hicks kind of way. I decide to Google Perotto since I’m convinced he is a wannabe comedian of sorts, but there are a bunch of Mike/Michael Perottos in Massachusetts.

Ashley Sullivan
Hey, kids! DO NOT USE METH. Then when you go on a reality tv show, they will introduce you as you emerge from a port-a-potty. I have never seen anyone like Ashley Sullivan come from a Johnny-On-The-Spot before and I go to Burning Man. Ashley actually has a decent voice in a way, but she cannot decide between being Britney Spears or a show tune pop star. THIS IS WHAT METH DOES TO YOU. METH MAKES YOU ASPIRE TO SUCH THINGS. Ashley starts crying because she needs her next fix and Jennifer Lopez continues in her quest to make people actually believe she is likable, which is about as believable as Maid in Manhattan. Ashley is going to Hollywood. She should be able to score some higher quality meth. Or maybe some meow-meow.

Victoria Huggins
Is it wrong for me to want to slap a 16-year-old (Ooops. She is 16 and 3 QUARTERS)? Everything about Victoria Huggins is despicable. SHE WAS EVEN A KRAFT BLUE BOX KID. (And her website is made entirely of frames. LAME.) Her last name is even HUGGINS. She also reminds me why I’ve always loathed the writings of Eudora Welty for whatever reason, even though I think I only ever read one thing by Eudora Welty. Maybe I just want to put welts on this loathsome creature born in a sugar bowl. She was probably conceived during sunset one beautiful midsummer’s eve as the fireflies lit up the North Carolina sky as her parents got frisky while watching a 7th Heaven rerun.

I think someone should introduce no-texting-while-driving Chris Cordiero to miss Victoria “I videotape myself while driving” Huggins.

Melinda Ademi
Sob stories piss me off but I already love Melinda Ademi. First off, her name is MELINDA, but most importantly, she is from Kosovo. Rather than bore you with my political views towards the former Yugoslavia…I mean, I can if you so desire, right? Serbia fucked a lot of shit up. I’ll leave it at that, but I have a very personal connection to this region because of the time I’ve spent and the close friends I’ve made in Croatia.

(Dear Idol: Just because someone has an accent does not mean they need subtitles. Thanks.)

I still like Melinda Ademi even though she sings that god awful Alicia Keys song. (And those images of people in war-torn Kosovo grabbing at the bread, well, Mr. I-Was-In-A-Wheelchair-When-I-Was-5 has no sob story now.) This says a lot. I really hate that song. We already know Melinda Ademi doesn’t make the Top 40, but whatevs. I dig her.

Another fraking commercial. Jesus christ. JENNIFER LOPEZ FOR LOREAL. Did you see this? This is for real. I want to cry.

It’s Day 2 of the auditions and Idol still wants us to believe the famous judges show up there when there are 1000s waiting in line. Ha. They also show us colorful black people. This is how Idol works, you see. Me? I’m just waiting for the teen moms and the hoarders to show up, because that’s where this is headed. Steven Tyler also keeps creeping on the young girls. In Tyler’s favor, he is why I’m gonna keep watching this shit. (Well, besides the blog.) And COME ON. When Bret Michaels creeps on young chicks, he gets to put a bunch of them on a bus for a VH1 show.

Devyn Rush
Does anyone really need to sing God Bless the Child again? But Devyn has a great voice. I just would rather her singing Amy Winehouse. Actually, I really want to hear Amy Winehouse do Amy Winehouse again. Jennifer Lopez wants to put Devyn in glitter. Randy reminds her its a singing contest. I wonder if there are unofficial rules about wearing glitter after 40, you know, like no white shoes after Labor Day. Jennifer Lopez needs to lay off the glitter eye shadow.

MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK

Yawn. OMG. Rocky Dennis! (I am so going to hell.) Actually his name is Jimmy Kennedy. He does not make it to Hollywood. But I have so made the cut for Hell.

Let’s continue on with the parade of racial stereotypes, shall we? It is time for JAPANTICS.

Yoji “Pop” Asano
The judges clearly have no idea what it is like to speak with a Japanese person who learned English as a second language. Yoji Pop sings Miley Cyrus’ Party In The USA. I actually love Yoji Pop. And not in a racial stereotype kind of way. And sorry, Glamberts, Yoji’s awkward glam dancing is so much better than Mr. Adam Lambert’s. Then again, EVERYTHING IS BETTER WHEN YOU WATCH AN ASIAN DO IT. And not in a racial stereotype kind of way. There are just so many things in life that are better when its an Asian doing it. I can’t explain this whatsoever. Maybe I have created my own Asian stereotype. BUT I WAS IN MODEL UN DAMMIT.

MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK SINGING PARTY IN THE USA

Yawn. However…it took me about a year to realize this song is kind of good in a horrible, horrible, horrible way.

Ima Abasumoh
Another immigrant laughed at on American Idol. Oh yeah. This show airs on Fox. I also hate myself for thinking about how Ima Abasumoh’s name sounds exactly like something Kayne West would Tweet in ALL CAPS. (Ima also sang that damned Dreamgirls song which should really only ever be sung by Jennifer Hudson or Norman Gentle.)

Rob Palamy
I have no idea, but he might be Season 9 contestant Tim Urban’s Future Self.

Briell Von Hugel
Never trust anyone who accessorizes a flower in their hair with every outfit. Briell’s father had throat cancer. You know, that totally sucks. You know what else sucked? When my Dad had cancer. You know what also sucks, but not as much? How either you or Idol cannot decide how you want to spell your name and there is no consistency between chryons. Is it Briell or BRIELLE WITH AN E.

More teen moms who hoard babies. More teenagers in general. They really don’t want those menopausal chicks tarding this year. If they’re under 18, I imagine they believe they will guilt them into not engaging in inappropriate behavior. This will fail miserably.

Travis Orlando
16 years old. Twin. Sob story. Poverty. Gangs. Drugs. Violence. Living in a shelter. He sings something by James Blunt or Jason Mraz or John Mayer. The J-Whole Triumverate. I get confused. He gets to go to Hollywood. I am bored. I need Steven Tyler to talk more. They’ve spent a lot of time on a sweet kid who didn’t even make the Top 40. Between the Bronx and Kosovo, do we really need Idol Gives Back this year?

Oh good. Steven Tyler is gonna take his clothes off tomorrow. In New Orleans. You, Steven Tyler. My hopes lie on YOU. ALL ON YOU.

NEVER FORGET.