TopIdol went to a Glamnation Show (Part Une)

Where should I begin? I’m not quite sure, but outside the venue may a good start.

I made my way into Hampton Beach, New Hampshire early Saturday evening for the sold-out Adam Lambert show at the Hampton Beach Casino Ballroom. The venue is neither a casino nor a ballroom, although more of the latter than a gambling den, as there are no casinos in NH. Of course, I suppose I could have tried to play 3-card Monty or taken bets on whether or not a Glambert would be taken from the show on a stretcher.

My sidekick for the evening was my friend, Short Stuff. She’s a tiny little thing, which probably kept out of trouble as she needed to see the stage so we hung out in back. I never tried venturing to the front as I leave for Burning Man in a few days and an injury would suck. Perhaps it is because of this I have walked away from the experience with a more positive impression of the Glambert faction — I never once encountered the rudeness and nastiness such as when I navigated the crowd at David Cook’s Northampton show last year. Did I meet a few crazies? Hell yeah. Did I meet a few very sweet people? Of course.

The sun had not set over New Hampshire yet, but the air rolling off the Atlantic was cooler than usual and the sky was overcast. Hampton Beach is a resort town of sorts, complete with a cheesy boardwalk peppered with t-shirt stores and garish gift shops. The line wrapped around one side of the plaza. Locals asked us what was going on, as we were not in line but obviously surveying the view. It is Hampton Beach, so many of the locals did not differ in appearance much from those waiting in line — a line which started, as per the adorable young men on the Casino Ballroom’s security staff — at 5:30am. There were jean shorts, sweatpants emblazoned with Hampton Beach down the side of one leg, t-shirts akin to sausage casing and more than anything, bad, bad, bad hair.

When I say bad hair, I mean bad hair. Hair damaged from years of bleaching and crimping and who knows what else. Hair that looks as if was routinely trimmed with a butter knife. My mother raised me to never leave the house if your hair was in such disarray and she grew up poor in a small Illinois town. It was not as if the complete lack of respect for clothing or overall grooming was a shock to my system. Of course not. I was in Hampton fraking Beach. It was more that people would go to a concert dressed as if they just rolled off their sofa and ran out for a fresh pack of Marlboro Reds. Then again, this was exactly what I marveled at when I went to David Cook’s show. (It should also be noted that I am a huge fan of casual attire and dress up as little as possible…but come on! Sweatpants for a Saturday night out? You couldn’t even throw on your best Lee jeans?)

This entire line was brought to you by Payless.

Short Stuff marveled at what she saw, as she is an admitted Adam Lambert fan. She was hoping for more GLAMOSITY, though. Like me, she wanted more terrible costumes and crimes against pleather. We could not often discern a local cruising the strip from a Glambert, although the line was a good place to start. And while we expected more GLAMOSITY, it was only moments before our eyes feasted upon a fabulous fashion show known as GLAMNATION.

First off, I needed to eat. Luckily for me (and for the McDonald’s corporation), there was a McD’s located right by the venue! Since I am not overweight and exercise regularly, I have no problem grabbing a bite at McDonald’s. But shame on the Hampton Beach location for not having the $1 Dollar Menu, forcing me to buy a 6-piece Chicken McNuggets for almost $3! (On the $1 menu, a 4-piece McNuggets is $1. Buy 2 and you get 8 McNuggets for less than the 6-piece!) Since the location is beachfront, I guess this was a wise financial decision. Alas. Short Stuff and I both got sodas, too, as I was concealing a $4.99 bottle of Sailor Jerry’s in my bag and enjoy saving money. (Alas. A state trooper was parked across the street so we postponed this plan.) On our way out, I noticed a familiar face at the soda fountain! It was one of the women who wrote that On the Meaning of Adam Lambert book!

I knew one of them lived in the Boston area, and I booked it out of the place for fear she would recognize me, even though I was somewhat glammed out for my undercover mission. Certainly she had seen those impassioned readings Melina and I have performed of her epic work. A minute later, we saw her join her partner-in-crime in the line with their dinner. Xena & Juneau! Together! In the flesh! While I would often make fun of a lot of Idol fantards’ public food consumption, I had just scarfed down a cheeseburger and some McNuggets, plus these women seem to take decent care of themselves. It’s only necessary to point and laugh because they wrote that god-awful “book.”

It was at this point we saw our first TARD SIGN!

There were a fair amount of young girls in attendance, as well as men, although they were vastly outnumbered by the older women. And people waited for the doors to open…

And waited…

There was one group of women I particularly enjoyed, my favorite of which was wearing the blue tank top. Since this was taken from the back, you cannot see her handbag. This particular purse was some Etsy special and featured a screenprint of young thin Elvis on the cover of a TV Guide. She loves RAWK GAWDS! (There is also another woman with a walker of sorts. A sort of hybrid Hover Round / Rascal / Radio Flyer / SoloFlex / Walker.)

We finally got in line once it started moving. Behind us was two young women, one of their boyfriends, and their children. The children were glammed up. Short Stuff is better with children than me, so she told them how cute the kids were and asked to take a photo. At this point, I took a few and smiled sweetly. They weren’t causing any trouble. (I hate MEAN Glamberts, dammit!) I did feel bad for the most glammed-up kid of them all, though, as once the camera came out he ran to the nearest hiding place — his mother’s crotch. He was not having any of it. I considered it being a shy-child thing, but he may also have been filled with shame. The kid was done up pretty well and it was not Halloween. He could not have been more than 5. I really wonder how these women get their kids to agree to this sort of thing. Granted, I was a total pain in the ass as a child and refused to order off the children’s menu or do anything else my parents told me to do, so maybe I really don’t get it. But come on…don’t little kids bite? I know you’re not supposed to bite the hand that feeds you, but hell, I don’t know…

(You can see the kid hiding behind the others in this shot)

And he goes running!

At the same time, some terrible outdoor concert was going on across the street. It seemed to be a Hampton Beach Idol of sorts! (Oh the irony!) Or maybe just an open mic night. No clue. But there was a crowd and locals continued to marvel at this ridiculous line outside the Casino Ballroom, a venue which hosts shows nearly every night of the week. They had never SEEN such a line. No, idiot Glamberts, it is not because the ONLY REAL LIVING RAWK GAWD came to town and EVERYONE NEEDS TO SEE HIM. I mean, it IS but not for THAT reason. It’s because STUPID IDOL FANTARDS ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO START LINING UP AT DAWN FOR A GENERAL FRAKING ADMISSION SHOW. Even the townspeople wondered why you were STANDING IN LINE FOR OVER 12 HOURS.

No, silly. It is not some nifty new livestock facility designed by Temple Grandin. (Speaking of, why is it that HBO always lets the most irritating mediocre actresses in my age bracket play leads in their Emmy-bait docudramas? Drew Barrymore doing that bullshit accent in Grey Gardens and this year, Clare Danes being as annoying as usual, fully channeling the deer-in-headlights method developed by Elisabeth Shue while also playing an autistic? So HBO, what is on the slate for 2011? Mena Suvari as Eleanor Holm? Alyson Hannigan as Ava Gardner?) It is GLAMNATION! And it has arrived in Hampton Beach!

Soon, Short Stuff and I would be on the INSIDE. That’s right. We would make it inside the venue. Security cared more about me having an SLR (a camera with a removable lens is a no-no) then whether or not I was packing a half-pint of spiced rum. We would find the smoking section, located outdoors and in between the buses. We would each drink a Mudslide. We would each wonder about the safety of children, whether or not someone would be able to climb a staircase, but most of all, we thought about Adam Lambert and wondered what goes through his head when he takes the stage and gets his first glimpse of the crowd.