Idol Quickies: August 4, 2010 — The GET A LIFE Edition

Because I’m so sick people make up conspiracy theories regarding why Kris Allen was not mentioned in that press release (and we needed a new Idol Quickies) I am going to do what I have been threatening for ages. I’m channeling William Shatner.

Sony Records has said buh-bye to the sinking ship that is American Idol. Simon Fuller and 19 Entertainment have struck a deal with Universal Music Group to fill this void. Listen to me now: Sony also dumped Jennifer Lopez. You think Jenny From The Block is going to sign on the dotted line without negotiating a record deal for herself through UMG? Just watch. Trust me.

The deal does not affect any past contestants signed on a Sony label, and will only be for Season 10 and beyond. On the now-infamous press release, it seems Sony makes us want to believe only one contestant from Season 8 is worth mentioning and fails to mention the other three currently signed, including the guy who won that season. At least this is what people think…Was this deliberate? Is there something behind all of it? Who knows. But what it has done is give Adam Lambert’s insane sparkle cows something to gloat and/or play the concern role about, while Kris Allen fans pout and whine and make conspiracy theories. Hey, Allison Iraheta was not mentioned and neither was Danny Gokey (Well…who is going to argue that one, BUT it is definitely not fair to him, either.) But it might be better to IGNORE this sort of thing rather than give that feisty herd more fuel for the fire.

If Kris and Allison get out of Sony, more power to them. Kris Allen already has a publishing deal with Universal and Allison Iraheta keeps talking about getting a band together with Orianthi, who is currently with Geffen, a UMG label. That could work out great for Adam Lambert’s two opening acts, as Allison would make a kick ass frontwoman and well, let’s face it, Orianthi needs to stay in the back until it’s time to bust out the axe solo.

Sony, however, they should have thrown Kris Allen’s name in there, at least to save us from batshit crazy women going on and on about THE GREATEST RAWK GAWD EVER. But they did not. Maybe there is some ulterior motive, or super-secret reason, but whatever. Kris Allen is going to do just fine. The kid is talented and funny. And some guy who plays with him talks midgets. I can’t predict the future, but if my fist was a Magic fraking 8-ball, it would say OUTLOOK GOOD and then I would fake punch you all for obsessing over how often he gets mentioned in relation to American Idol, or how many songs he plays at some bullshit radio show scheduled on a Monday afternoon. (Three songs was a bit ridiculous, but then again, I DO NOT THINK ABOUT SUCH THINGS.) THIS is the sort of thing I like to see — HE’S REAL, JIM!

(Speaking off the Rawk Lord & Savior, and how idiotic I think it is to follow all those ridiculous numbers, THIS IS THE GREATEST CHART INFORMATION EVER COMMUNICATED THROUGH TWITTER.)

To be honest, I don’t care. I don’t care how any of this plays out. If you like someone’s music, but their album and buy tickets to their shows when they come around to your neck of the woods. Don’t spend all goddamn day watching their concert videos or worrying about how this makes them look to the music-buying public. If you love an artist and their music, the best way to support them is through buying their music and tickets to their shows (within reason, obviously). Overinvestment is NEVER a good thing, unless you’re Jaime Escalante or something. Stand and fraking deliver when it matters. This shit…it does not matter.

Sony’s press department is also going to have to do a LOT more than throw Lee DeWyze and Crystal Bowersox’s names up there next to former Idol contestants with moderate success to infer marketibility. Who knows what the public’s buying interesting will be in them come November — especially factoring in the part about people not giving a rat’s ass about American Idol anymore. Crystal is a true talent, but she’s a niche artist, and if she stays true to herself, she has a bright future if she continues to put in the hard work. Your cousin Phil DeWheezy, well, I’m still not sure why anyone would buy his album but they can do magic with Autotune these days.

You know what I DO worry about? I worry about whether or not Big Mike Lynche, Casey James and Andrew Garcia have been fed since July 30th. This keeps me up at night. THIS IS WHAT YOU NEED TO WORRY ABOUT DAMMIT!

You should also worry about when we’re going to be subjected to a Sarah Palin — Kristy Lee Cook love fest over a dead buffalo. Actually, don’t worry about anything! Let’s have a small celebration in honor of those religious right whackjobs who got a bit of a wake-up call today when Proposition 8 was overturned in California. Sure, they’ll appeal the hell out of this shit but it’s going to be their undoing. This WILL end up in the Supreme Court, and we can only hope it will be ruled unconstitutional across the land. Stop fighting what’s right, asshats. People can love who they want to love and marry who they want to marry. And just as as Alex Wagner-Trugman said, THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER LOVES ALL HIS CHILDREN EQUALLY!

Spread the word. Do it.