Idol Quickies: July 01, 2010

Happy July! Yes, yes. Summer is slipping away before your very eyes.

Tonight in Detroit, the much-awaited American Idol Tour begins. Like most people, you’ve likely been dreaming about seeing Didi Benami perform live! Tickets to any and every stop are available. In fact, they’re so available the American Idol website is sometimes offering deals where you can get seats for only $10 (they did this yesterday). Just think, for only $10, you can keep 19E in business and ensure your cousin Phil DeWheezy always has a healthy supply of paint. I think you should get a substantial discount on the price if you can name the 10 contestants who made the tour, because that’s really tough to do. MJ has a list of spoilers posted that will be updated throughout the day. She and Rickey will also be cellcasting this year’s shittier-than-usual shit show, which is really good for you if you’ve ever wanted to hear your cousin Phil DeWheezy sing Elton John’s classic Rocket Man. Personally, I’ll stick with these versions:

Everyone’s favorite lawyer-writer-photographer-chef-billionaire-entrepreneur-detective-lunatic Kerry Kolsch is still bringing the truth to the American people. Surprisingly in her latest work of extraordinary journalism, she blames Arkansas for nothing and instead focuses on Adam Lambert being an alpha male and how this induces chemical reactions in one’s hypothalamus or something like that.

Adam has the desirable alpha characteristics that subconsciously trigger an attraction in women that has overpowered conscious objections. When the appeal of Adam’s biophysical subconscious triggers collides with the appeal of his obvious conscious physical attributes it is no wonder Adam’s ardent female fans could care less if he is gay. Adam is hot, strutting, hip grinding, loaded with testosterone and wears makeup; the latter does not detract from the former.

We have yet to decipher all of the emotions triggered in the subconscious level of the human brain. It is not all sexual; there is a primitive primal level that evokes the tigress defending her young. Beware any reviewer that gives unwarranted criticism. This growing body of fiercely loving and protective fans is a force to be reckoned with.

No wonder Adam Lambert is going to Japan this fall. He wants to be far, far, far away from these women.

David Archuleta has released a new single. It’s called Got Love. Wait. I mean Something ‘Bout Love. I think its all about puppy dogs, unicorns, rainbows, more puppy dogs, duck-billed platapuses, et al. Actually, there might have been nothing about unicorns in it and, are you ready? Its kind of ELECTRONICA. And its kind of not terrible.

Lee DeWyze (that’s your cousin Phil DeWheezy’s stage name) says there will be bras flying through the air during the Idol tour. He thinks he’s talking about the girls’ tour bus. Little does he know…

Danny Noreiga…remember him? Still exhibiting sociopathic tendencies.

Since I want to continue laughing at Constantine Maroulis, let’s watch Justin Kim’s tribute video to Mr. Walking VD himself.

This has nothing to do with American Idol, but Elian Gonzalez is now 16 years old. He’s like, gone through puberty and resembles Wheelchair Jimmy Drake. I have no idea why this is blowing my mind right now. I feel so old.

You need to go Mad Men Yourself right away! They’ve added new props and clothes for the new season. Whoo hoo. Only 24 more days until the premiere. Until then, I will serenade my beloved Don Draper with my accordian music in Roma.