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Can’t we just shoot American Idol? It’s less painful that way.

2010 July 29
tags: , ,
by TopIdol

Another evening I leave my house and all hell breaks loose! Well, not really, but it kind of did in Idolandia.

Ellen Degeneres announced her resignation. She said she made this decision a few months ago, but now everything is okay because JENNIFER LOPEZ is in. Actually, everyone is fine with this because while everyone loves Ellen, she still sucked as an Idol judge.

Jennifer Lopez. I despise you. Because of you, we’re subjected to inane portmanteaus for any even kind of famous couplings. You’re a narcissist with clear delusions about your actual talent. Wait. You’re perfect for Idol! Yet, I will feel icky watching it because I know you’re a closet scientologist, and I really only let myself watch one show with a scientologist in the cast. And as much as it breaks my heart, that show is Mad Men (Elisabeth Moss, I know you were raised that way but it STILL HURTS SO MUCH).

But this is pretty much the only way J Lo’s career can go. No one wants to watch her in movies, because she sucks and hell, the last time she was seen as a movie star, she nearly ruined Ben Affleck’s entire career. And she couldn’t even release an album without singing a lame song about designer shoes and falling on her ass. LITERALLY! So really, the fact American Idol called her is rather fitting, even if she couldn’t even serve as a suitable mentor during Season 6.

And now people are talking about Steven Tyler joining Idol! How can this be good for him? They guy just got out of rehab. Sitting through Idol is enough to give anyone a drinking problem, how is this man supposed to stay clean? Sitting him next to a closet Scientologist? What has this poor man done to anyone to be driven back to the bottle or into some Narcanon sauna shit. Steven Tyler CANNOT WIN.

This is, however, the first time anyone has talked about American Idol in a really, really long time. Their PR stunts insinuating Seacrest ran after Crystal Bowersox in a parking lot to convince her to stay on the show just made everyone laugh. And everyone is a rather broad assumption, right? Because no one was even watching Idol this past season and I probably only know about it because I write this shit blog.

Oh, Idol. American Idol. Can we put a fork in you now? Because you’re done. Better yet, let’s just put a bullet in your head and make death easier, like Old Yeller and the blond guy in The Last of the Mohicans.

Spread the word. Do it.
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from → American Idol

  • jukejoint

    I love the idea of the turban with the blinking stars. But Melinda and Oskar at the table would save this show and I was kind of enjoying the mental image of J-Lo turning to Steven Tyler and asking, “Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?”

  • Burgundy LaRue

    Gotta give Entertainment Weekly its due. They totally called J-Lo as an Idol judge a few months ago. It’s the logical next step in her career. Her music doesn’t sell anymore and she wasn’t ever the movie star they tried to make her. So the next move is to land a cushy, high-profile TV job with good hours and great pay. Idol gives her that. J-Lo will only be required to work 6-7 months a year, even including traveling to audition cities and doing press. The rest of the year can be devoted to pushing out crappy films and dusting her Cryptkeeper husband’s mausoleum.

    J-Lo has this veneer of glossy politeness that isn’t real, but can be believable under the right light. So I don’t see her making things about her too much if she gets the job. She knows how to fake her way through stuff like this.

    Randy is under contract for another year. I can’t imagine 19 canning him with that short amount of time left. Plus, they need to keep one original judge on the panel. Randy is it. With new judges surrounding him, he may become semi-useful again. Maybe.

    If we thought Paula’s pill-popping was bad, wait to see how bad it gets if Steven Tyler gets the Idol gig. Dude will probably sit at the table, nursing a bottle of Jack Daniel’s in plain view. Sad for him, but great TV for us, should it comes to pass.

  • MaryS-NJ

    TMZ is “reporting” that Kara got the ax and they’re going back to 3 judges. I approve! I’m warming to the idea of JLo if only because she is narcissistic but nice (like Paula), unlike Kara who is narcissistic but not nice or funny or likeable. Steve Tyler takes over the Paula role (secretly medicating himself with the contents of his coke cup) and the white 50-something guy with industry experience, and Randy is as irrelevant as ever.

  • http://www.detailsinthefabric.tk/ Shosh

    WAIT I thought the JLo thing wasn’t official!
    If it is. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I just don’t. And here I thought Blessed Nigel returning and Ellen leaving was going to make it a bit better. (B/c clearly, we have to get rid of Kara and bring Simon back to return any dignity this show might have had.)

    I feel like starting an Idol blog now. I feel obligated, having watched my favorite show go to ruins. But there are so many so it seems dumb. Also, I like yours. Which is not shit, by the way, it makes me laugh lots and has helped me spot tards. (I saw some at SYTYCD, it was scary. and OMG I LET ENRIQUE-TARDS INTO SYTYCD BY ACCIDENT WHICH WAS EVEN SCARIER.)

  • saskin

    Wow. I actually like this.I have a feeling Kiki DeCoco might get the boot too. Fingers crossed. I’m still thinking the third judge might be the man himself; Nigel Lythgoe.

  • deez

    The people who would make the best judges (like Jim Cantiello and M. Slezak& K. Baldwin) aren’t well-known enough outside of the AI bubble to be considered…but, would THAT not be fun to watch? I would’ve LOVED to have seen their takes on Gokey’s “Scream On ” performance. Kristen would’ve gotten to be Kristen with and without glasses (and thus 2 critiques!) J. Lo? I can not even imagine. It would be all about her. Her dress, her jewelry, her ass….there might be 5 minutes for the singing.

    • http://topidolblog.com TopIdol

      What, Deez? You mean I wouldn’t be a good judge? ;)

      • deez

        OOOOH! You could be the judge with a schtick! You would have to dress up Oskar according to the theme of the week and keep him at the judges table. Then when it came time for your evaluation you put two bowls of food out. One would say “That was atrocious”, the other would say “My dear, you could sing the phone book”. Then Oskar would choose his bowl. He would be the new PAUL THE OCTOPUS!!! Everyone would <3 him! (well more than they currently do, even)

        OMG!!!! That would be the cheesiest bestest show evah!!!! J Lo would totally make bitch faces at you for stealing the limelight, and Steven Tyler would be sobbing and sneaking rum into his Coke glass under the table!

        Now we need to get rid of Seacrest.

        • Verbally Dyslexic

          LOL Deez I love the idea! Oskar, the Magical Ginge (OMG for short)!

          Oh oh oh how about you go as an Idol version of Top Model’s Miss J? You could wear a glittery headdress with battery-powered blinking stars (one for each contestant) and each time a contestant gets eliminated, a blinking star putters out and dies.

        • http://princessleia04.livejournal.com SarahBeth

          This is a brilliant visual.

          A+

  • ophelia64

    TI, it’s like you gathered all my “meh” thoughts about Idol, season 9, idol judging, etc (exception, the shit blog comment as songkat7 said) and put them down perfectly.

  • cc

    So far the changes they have made don’t look promising for the show. How exciting to see Kara, Randy and Jennifer (KaRandIffer) in the judges’ table…or not. *sigh*

    • ross

      Wait, Randy and Kara are still going to be on the show?

      • cc

        They haven’t made any official announcement yet if those are out of the show.

  • On The Edge

    Just saw Craig Ferguson’s take…hilarious as usual. If I find video of his monologue I’ll post it. Highlight was his calling Kara “Kiki DeCoco.” Think that’s what I’ll call her from now on!

  • Lauren

    That scene in Old Yeller made me cry! However, if the same were to happen to AI, my eyes would be dry.

  • barado

    That was hilarious!

  • songkat7

    I absolutely disagree with you.

    This is not a shit blog.

    Everything else? Word x infinity.