SYTYCD Top 11: And the first one falls — But wait! There’s Bieber!

The first So You Think You Can Dance results show of Season 7! Who will be going home? Alexie? Adechike? Melinda? Ashley? Is Melinda the only contestant whose name does not begin with A?

LESS THAN 24 HOURS UNTIL WE CAN ALL BUY CAT DEELEY’S MODERN VINTAGE JEWELRY ON QVC!!!ELEVENTY!!!

The dancers open the show with a group routine set to Kelis’ Acapella. Everyone is wearing the used panties of a Caesar Palace cocktail waitress circa 1992. The girls’ outfits are terrible. These ladies have gorgeous bodies and most of them are bizarrely unflattering. The Goddess Cat Deeley, if she had more time, SHE could design their outfits. Speaking of The Goddess, tonight’s retro chiffon plaid frock displays a piece from her soon-to-be-unveiled jewelry collection on the shoulder, and while the dress is undoubtedly cute in a most Betty Draper way, it does come off a tad bit autumnal, no?

My ADHD has now kicked in and I’ve paused the show to hit the Dizzy Feet Foundation website to learn this Dance Day routine from Nappy Tabs. I’m not the only one with that idea! The damn site crashed. This dance seems kind of difficult, but I’ve only been trying it while seated, so…

Back to the show. Usher is going to be performing, so I’ll fast-forward through that nonsense. I thought I recalled The Goddess Cat Deeley mumbling something under her breath about the Moppet of Beelzebub/Imp of Hades Justin Bieber being there? Before then, Cat is going to start picking off the contestants one by one. It’s amusing how Alex Wong looks frightful when she starts with him. But in regards to Alex being safe? Just like Cat said, of course you are. As if there was any doubt.

Robert will also not be eliminated, because everyone male or female watching this show, wants to hit that shit. Shankman called him one of the best contemporary dancers in the history of the show. Damn straight. And I wonder if he is. Perhaps he is bi. Then everyone will be happy.

I’m not quite sure what the allure of Lauren is, as she’s blond and sort of forgettable. I mean, she’s no Mollee Gray or anything terrible like that, she’s just kind of…there? In last night’s routine to that goddamned Ferris Bueller / The Secret of My Success / Twix commercial song, Lauren was completely outshone by ADE (Love Ade!) and appeared to neither connect with the choreography or Ade. Ohio farm boy Kent is safe, of course, because you’re just soulless if you don’t adore Kent. The Goddess totally fakes them out! Lauren is safe, too. Funny, whenever Cat fakes a contestant out like that, it never appears as if she is toying with them in a cruel or unkind way. And then everyone gets together and HUGS! Betty Draper would NEVER show Sally and Bobby such affection. Only overworked housekeeper Carla would embrace those Little Drapers as Cat Deeley does her “kids.”

I love you, Cat Deeley. Love. You.

Melinda reminds me of someone annoying when she dances and I cannot place it. She really is a pretty girl, though, but she doesn’t come off as very likable in her pre-performance packages, so there certainly is truth in Nigel’s assessment that she does not show enough warmth. And really, is she a dancer or a dancer who just wants to be an actress? It’s no surprise she is in tonight’s bottom 3.

Nigel’s comparison of Billy Bell to Jaden Smith has been repeated 55 times. It lends credence to my believe SYTYCD could be an arm of Scientology! Extended preview of Knight & Day? Katie Homes a partner in Dizzy Feet? Mentioning Jaden fraking Smith — aka the kid who might just beat out Justin Bieber in the category of pre-pubescent douchebag and is likely a Scientologist? Anyway, Billy Bell, of course, is safe.

Ashley is safe, likely because she looks like a female version of Mark Kanemura (who is adorable, if you have yet to notice). Alexie is in the Bottom 3, which is kind of sad, not because she’s just so damn cute (at least that’s what they keep telling us), but because it would really suck for her to finally make it after trying out 3 times to be booted during week 1. I mean, that’s just COLD.

Jose Ruiz is safe, which is cool, b/c he seems like a nice guy. I’m worried about my boy Adechike, though. Side note, don’t you love watching Kathryn McCormick dance? In fact, I REALLY hope Adechike is safe because I’ve now caught a glimpse of what Cristina is wearing.

I get it. You’re a salsa dancer. And you’re a fiery Latina. But ugly is ugly, and that looks like a dust mop found in the home of a fierce Brazilian drag queen. That dress is a crime against fabric. Her name was Carmen — not Kmart — Miranda. Jesus christ, woman. You should be forced to dance for not only your life, but the lives of all your unborn children for wearing that number. (Side note — if Mark Kanemura and Ashley dance together something sexy, I might get all creeped out in a Flowers in the Attic kind of way.)

YAY! Adechike is safe. The men are much stronger than the girls this season, and I’m not even saying this in a bullshit American Idol kind of way. I also do not believe SYTYCD power texting is yet dominated by menopausal frauen.

Frak me. Justin Bieber WORLD PREMIERE. There is a very important Celtics game on, dammit. I’m sure the Twyla Twarp people dancing to Frank Sinatra are even more wonderful than they appear for an instant and on fast forward, but I just don’t have time.

Melinda taps for her life. She is kind of hunched over most of the time, but I think that’s a tap dancing thing. Alexie does the typical dance-for-one’s-life EVERY contemporary female dancer does on the show and I am unimpressed. At least the tap dancing is like, you know, a somewhat rare thing on this show.

YES! I figured it out. Melinda looks just like Silver on the new-fangled 90210, which I inexplicably watch although I spent high school and college laughing at my friends who watched the original. Initially, I found Silver to be very pretty, gorgeous almost. But then she went crazy and cut her hair into a bob which does not work for her, and didn’t quite conceal the fact she’s like, oh Ian Ziering’s age when he was on the original. Melinda has crazy Silver teeth or something, not sure. But she’s a Melinda! We must like her!

Cristina does her salsa thing. Her facial expressions are mildly less disconcerting than in her previous performances, yet, the dress just…let’s just get on with the show. There’s Usher. Convinced Justin Bieber is really a Magic Grow Capsule that Usher carries around in his pocket as a party trick. Not sure if he’s there tonight, but video from when Usher took him over to P. Diddy’s Memorial Day party (or maybe it was Knotts Berry Farm) is:

I want to know why I cannot look away. It’s like when I was 19 and first saw the Hanson Mmm-Bop video. I happened to have just smoked a bunch of weed. This is the same thing, except I have not smoked any pot. Wait. Is this that song from The Karate Kid? There are Asian-ish fans. Oh crap. It is. There is Asian lettering. Is Justin Bieber a Scientologist now? He’s hanging out with Jaden Smith, isn’t he? I’m not going to think about it. I can’t. Just tell me why some kid who hasn’t even hit puberty is singing about needing somebody to love? He’s [allegedly] SIXTEEN YEARS OLD. He needs to be in school thinking about his PSAT.

Whew! It’s almost over. Sadly, Alexie is going home because she wasn’t very good tonight. And she dances kind of juvenile, however, she’s the oldest. All of her fellow contestants are in tears, which makes me sad. Plus, I was rooting for the girl who wanted it so much, who tried out so many times. The judges all tell her not to worry, however, because she is employable. And hey, this is the only reality show where the contestants actually go on to work in their chosen field, so it could be much, much worse for our little Alexie.

And to you, Mary Murphy, I raise my imaginary Captain & Diet for you. I cannot drink a real one unless you’re drinking with me. (Until I go out this weekend. Obviously.) Go Celtics!