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CONTEST: Bring out your tard art

2010 June 11
tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
by TopIdol

Centuries from now, American Idol Tard Art will likely be recognized one of the most important movements in art history. Tardism will be regarded with such esteem, it will be mentioned in the same breath as surrealism, impressionism, and modernism, just to name a few.

So open up Adobe CS4 or get your watercolors from the attic. Channel your inner tardist. I want to see your ORIGINAL American Idol tard art.

Send me your entries, and I will post them right here with your name. At the end, we can vote on them. I’m not sure what you will win yet, but you will win something. Actually, I just thought about it and yes, I have selected a very special grand prize.

Blingees are also acceptable, although even if you are completely lacking in talent, that does have the potential to only HELP you in this competition. All I care about is the creative expression. Remember — this is a free for all! Photos! Videos! PowerPoint! Blingee! Pencil & Paper! You have the creative freedom to express yourself in any way you know how.

Get your entries in. You have until one week from today — June 18 at MIDNIGHT EST. Voting will then commence the following day and the ballot will be open for three days.

1. Deez
TARDSTINE CHAPEL

This is the first entry and well, I must say, its gonna be a very tough act to follow. Deez may have to commission these as t-shirts. My mouth is agape right now.

2. Nerdgirl
THE TRUTH UNTRUNK-ATED

I wish I could could think of a better title for this, alas. But it is ADORABLE. LOOK AT THE ELEPHANT’S TAIL. Nerdgirl, this is EPIC SQUEE.

3. Nerdgirl
2 HEP CATS & THE ODD KITTY OUT

Nerdgirl is having so much fun on PowerPoint, she decided to imagine what American Idol Season 8 would have been if the contestants were feline. Come to think of it, I bet Paula saw cats on stage every night. (Side note, I grew up with a black cat almost just like “Adam!” And “Kris” is clearly a Maine Coon. You know who else is a Maine Coon? OSKAR! Meanwhile, Tabby Danny is making heart paws at the mail carrier.)

4. Burgundy LaRue
THE BEAUTIFUL DOCTRINE

Vadlimir Nabokov believed writing was the only true art. Vlad must have known Burgundy LaRue. In fact, I bet Burgundy was the inspiration for one Lolita Haze. Since this may be one of the best all-time favorite contributions to Top Idol, I felt it needed exposure to a larger audience.

Why is your monster a green stop sign? Why does your facial expression suggest that you’re surprised by this? Are you in the middle of an identity crisis? Are you looking for a helping hand? You’ve come to the right place.

We at Top Idol are here to help you receive the proper care you need. We specialize in dealing with Transformative Adolescent Regression Disorder, better known as TARD. It’s where seemingly normal adults revert to acting like 12-year-olds and using the adult equivalent of I’M TELLING MY MOM!–which is I’M CALLING MY FRIEND/BROTHER/IMAGINARY MONKEY IN MY CLOSET WHO IS A LAWLER FOR THE F-BEE-I!

TARD treatment can be a painful process, depending on how far gone you are. If you merely buy useless magazines for a two-sentence snippet of your favorite Idol that’s buried in the classifieds alongside at-home stuffing envelope businesses and penis enlargement pumps, then the process should will merely be gentle chiding.

But if you find yourself dressing like your favorite Idol, buying 200 copies of their CD, spending you life savings to move to the US just to be closer to your supposed one true Idol love, or having written a Old English Dictionary-length book that covers a chicken-scented scandal that robbed your Idol of their rightful title, then the process will include Fostering Regenerative Assessment Unification, also known as FRAU. This 17-week therapy will include internet psychoanyalsis, merciless mocking, and name calling. I’ll be honest–it won’t be pretty. But if you stay the course, I assure you that the reward will greatly outweigh the pain.

We at Top Idol are licensed by the board-approved Oskar. He is always there if needed and can answer all questions.

Please be sure to take one of our informative pamphlets to learn more about TARD and FRAU’s positive effects. Top Idol is here to help you this difficult time. Please join us. :-)

4. OhNoNotStarr / Starr
OMG THEY KILLED KRIS ALLEN YOU BASTARDS

Kristard Starr talks in complete sentences and can hold normal conversations — even when posting on her Kris Allen fansite Fourteen Plums. I assume the only reason she gave Kris Allen hair like Justin “The Moppet of Beelzebub” Bieber’s is because that was the closest option when creating your own South Park character. Starr is good people, and she also subscribes to my belief that creating a South Park character is the quickest way to artistic enlightenment.

5. CB
FOR YOUR BLINGEETAINMENT

CB embodied the soul of every true tard in her tribute to the great Adam Lambert. She made a Blingee!

6. Nerdgirl
NERDGIRL LOVES POWERPOINT AND SINGING DOLPHINS

Nerdgirl is having way too much fun making tard art on PowerPoint. Here she sums up everything that goes on during the American Idol Tour.

7. Kate123
FORBIDDEN LOVE

Kate123 shows true artistic talent with her inspired imagining of Kradam’s typical romantical evening.

8. Kate123
THE LAST IDOL

Kate123′s The Last Idol is a religious experience of symbolism and metaphor. Kate123 has even clued us in to some of the secrets held within this great work — Rumour has it that by drawing a five line musical staff across the painting, the hands and buns seem to line up as the opening notes of the great musical composition of ‘No Boundaries’.

9. Anonymous (aka Deez)
KOLSCH & KOLSCH ATTORNEYS AT LAW

Deez can also find work as a commercial artist. Perhaps she should move to Florida and specialize in designing promotional materials for crusading law firms. Her first client? Kolsch & Kolsch, of course!

10. JaneRochester
ODE TO AN AMERICAN IDOL

JaneRochester proves she is quite the poet.

“Ode on an American Idol” (with massive apologies to John Keats)

Thou overly-ravish’d groom of glamour,
Thou foster child of Freddie and Stardust,
Zodiacal chanteur, who canst thus express
A sparkling tale more gaily than your song:
What glitter-tinged aureole glows about thy head
Of fairies or fellows, or of both,
In L.A. or the dales of Knoxville, Tenn?
What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?
What batshit pursuit? What macaroni dreams?
What dancers and drums? What wild tweets?
The elephant is truth, truth elephant,–that is all
We know on earth, and all we need to know.

*No homophobia was intended in the making of this art.

11. Hyde
TEH EVUL EMPIRE

Hyde captures the heart of TopIdol (and our Patron Saint Kerry Kolsch).

12. Maturin
THE SECOND TO LAST IDOL SUPPER

Maturin loves the Jesus imagery. She also loves it when David Archuleta shows up with pizza.

13. CC
GLAMOPOCALYSE — THE PLAID MENACE

CC has designed the poster to the next huge international blockbuster, which will likely be the worst film of the trilogy.

14. Saskin
THE BIGGEST STAHS EVER

Saskin just made my morning. This is the first of her two monumental entries. She gets bonus points for creating the first entries featuring Syphilis Idol Constantine Maroulis. This design will likely become somewhat famous, as it is destined to be used on MTA buses to advertise an eventual Broadway show.

15. SnapCracklyPop
KRIM IS REAL

SnapCracklyPop only tards over Kris Allen…and our good friend, Jim Cantiello.

16. Nerdgirl
ETERNAL GLAMNATION

Nerdgirl just can’t stop with the PowerPoint, but who am I to tell her to quit? She’s on a roll!

17. Saskin
EVOLUTION OF IDOLMAN

Saskin brilliantly depicts the evolution of American Idol. Who else wants to see what she could do with Darwin’s Survival of the Fittest?

18. Deez
THE GLAMSCREAM

Deez reworks Edward Munch’s The Scream into something more GLAMORIZING.

19. 8SourCandy
GLAMBERT’S TRAVELS

The foremost book-cover artist of TopIdol updates the Jonathan Swift classic for a contemporary audience! This time, Lilliput is inhabited by tiny MONSTERS led by a king named…Oskar!

20. Gelid
BLINGEEING UP GLAMBABY

Every budding/would-be international superstah needs a healthy diet of cash, bright lights, bling and booze.

21. Kate123
FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA ON THE WALL FIFTY PILLS FOR PAULA TAKE ONE DOWN…

I have no idea why, but Kate123′s Fifty Pills poster reminds me of that shit movie, 27 Dresses. Or Seven Pounds. Or the one about the grams you lose when you die.

21. CC
I ATE HIS GLAMLIVER WITH SOME PLAIDFAVA BEANS

Movie night continues with CC’s favorite double feature.

22. 8SourCandy
MY TARD SIGN WILL BEAT UP YOUR TARD SIGN

Admitted Adam Lambert-tard 8SourCandy makes a poignant and honest statement about the prevailing tard mentality. It’s not puppies and flowers! It’s a competition. And it’s a fight to the finish! With glamviolence!

23. Jukejoint
TARDING IN 5 AND
7 SYLLABLES FOR LIFE
I AM THE TARDRUS

Our Jukejoint finally enters the competition by flexing her haiku talent. She will sell these to any tard who needs one. They’re versatile — and she even accounts for those who cannot say everything they want to in this compact, Ancient Japanese artform.

TARD HAIKUS 4 U

The best singer is
The one who I like the best
The others are crap

I don’t care who won
Your Idol sucks anyway
Winners are losers

I love [Idol Name]
So much, so big, so deeply
That it will never, ever fit in five f^cking syllables so F^CK OFF, jellus h8ers, and leave [Idol Name] alone from your jellus homephobic h8erade!!!! And he’s not fat, either!!!!!!

24. Kate123
THE GAWDRAWKER (AKA AN GLAMOFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE)

Damn the hater who calls him Fredo. And suffer will those who betray The Glamily!

25. TwistOfLime
why must itself up every of a tard

Clearly Twist is ol’ ee reincarnated.

anyone lived in a small southern town
with up so many idol phones down
Randy Simon Paula Kara
he sang his chicken he danced his votes

Women and men (in other states)
cared for anyone with something like hate
they sowed their tard-dom they reaped their same
rock star glamour fame

some fans guessed (but only a few
and down they forgot as anyone’s popularity grew
Paula Kara Randy Simon
that noone loved him more by more

when by now and feather by plume
he lent his nailpolish he shared his room
bird by glitter and stir by still
anyone’s  guitar was all to him

One day anyone won i guess
(and noone stooped to kiss his head)
non-busy folk wrote page by page
vote by vote and search by search

plot by plot and cheat by cheat
a grand conspiracy earned the feat
noone and anyone earth by injustice
wish by fraud and if by go-phone.

26. Soda Grape
THE WORLD ACCORDING TO HELIOTROPE

Heliotrope is a legendary Idol fantard. Heliotrope loved David Cook more than anything…until she laid her eyes upon Danny Gokey. And Heliotrope’s love for Gokey was impenetrable…until she discovered the perfect hybrid! His name is Lee DeWyze. Wonder who Heliotrope will tard over next season. Thankfully, she is not a card-carrying member of the Ellen James Society, so I suspect we will hear much from her for years and years to come.

27. Mithra
REVERIE IN HELIOTROPE

Wow. Heliotrope is VERY popular, isn’t she?

28. Mithra
WHAT SHE SEES

Mithra shows us what Kerry Kolsch sees every time she closes her eyes.

29. Pandora
TARD WORLD THE GARY JULES VERSION

Pandora had me at copy/pasting, copy/pasting.

To the tune of Mad World…

All around me are familiar blowhards
Worn out keyboards, scary fanboards
Bright and early for their daily postings
Copy/pasting, copy/pasting
Now their rage is spreading too
No dissension, no dissension
Run away I want to run away
No more MJs, no more MJs
And I find it rather skary
I find it rather sad
The dreams of Adam Lambert
Are the only ones they have
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World
Fantards waiting for their god to notice them
Happy Glamday, Happy Glamday
Bought the gloves and pleather too
Like Krazy Kerry and Tiger92
Went online and they threatened me
Homephobic, homephobic
I find it entertaining
‘Cos I find them just insane
When people worship strangers
It’s a very, very Mad World

30. Teevho
GLAMBERT WARDROBE MALFUNCTION

Teevho brings her A-game AND pushes the boundaries of mixed media just like the guy bleeding from his eye in her picture.

31. CB
JEALOUS FUSILLI

CB loves two things in life. Pasta and Casey James.

32. Deez
OUR LADY LUNACY

Deez admits this was a quick ‘n’ dirty Photoshop job, but it doesn’t take away the beauty of Kerry Kolsch finally being properly honored for her noble crusade — truth, justice and a world without cheese dip.

33. SongKat7
FINDING ANDREW RIDGELEY

Take me glam-dancing tonight. Jitterbulge.

34. Old Bat
CASEY DI MILO IN THE GARDEN OF TARDOM

Biblical utopia included grits & slaw.

35. Nerdgirl
ALRIGHT WITH MOOOOOOO

Nerdgirl is becoming quite skilled at manipulating PowerPoint ClipArt. And why the hell not celebrate a great cause?

36. Soda Grape
TRUE LOVE WON’T WAIT

Why should true love wait when there’s cake?

37. Paulie
HE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY

Paulie went into full-on tard mode to write this little ditty about Kris Allen set to the Donna Summer classic.

Saw him there on the Idol stage
And I wondered who he is
Cos it’s strange to me
That I haven’t heard him sing a thing

Nine PM on the hour hand
And he’s singing MJ’s song
And he’s sounding real pretty
As he poured out his heart and soul

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Twenty-eight eps have come and gone
And I’ve seen a lot of tears
Of the ones voted out
Yet Kris is still standing there

It’s a sacrifice singing day to day
For lukewarm comments, judges seem to pay
But it’s worth it all
Just to hear him sing the night away

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Already knows
He’s seen his bad times
After winning Idol
These are the good times

Never sold out
He never did
Even with “No Boundaries”
He worked hard…

He worked hard for the title
So hard to win that title
He worked hard for the title
So I better hear him tonight

Spread the word. Do it.
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from → American Idol, Crazies

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  • summersnow

    Alright I believe this is the most awesome post ever created on this blog (yet). I thought that “Tardism” is a newly-coined word until I saw it in Urban Dictionary.com. I suggest that there should be another definition entered pertaining to Idol fans tarding=) http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Tardism

    Tardism
    (n). Accidental humor from a retard when trying to sound intelligent. A phrase said by one with mental disabilities often unintentionally hilarious.
    Boy: Van Helsing sucked.
    Tard: Van Helsing is basically a reinactment of Lord of the Rings

    (While playing a GameBoy Advance)
    Tard: This technology is great. If hadn’t won Pearl Harbor, we wouldn’t have this kind of technology!

    (After viewing a skit on SNL)
    Tard: If someone got an axe stuck in their head, they’d go into a coma

    Child 1: You’re a butthead!
    Child 2: I know you are, but what am I?
    Tard: You need to work on an insult, not a recall!

    • summersnow

      Btw if anyone could come up with a tard video as awesome as that sparkle cow dancing in boa, I promise I will vote for you!=)

  • jukejoint

    I want someone to photoshop Adam’s head on the body of Peter Boyle as he dances “Putting on the Ritz” in Young Frankenstein. I think it’s all the top hats. Or maybe Adam’s dancing style. But I keep thinking of that “Putting on the Ritz” performance.

    • deez

      LOL!!I wonder if they have that available at JibJab? That would be hilarious.

  • naiya

    Loving both the Glamscream and Glambert’s Travels…genius additions!

  • Paulie

    OMG I was offline for a couple of days and we now have 20 entries!

    I’m tempted to submit an entry… LOL. Can I just recycle one of my real-life tard-art? Well, tard-song actually — I rewrote the lyrics of She Works Hard for the Money last February in hopes of winning a Kris meet-and-greet. LOL! *blush*

  • snapcracklypop

    I’d have to vote #1 for Deez’s Tardstine Chapel. Maybe I’m a little creeped out by it, LOL, but overall funny and original! Is that Matt G with Elvis? Oh, I just noticed the BSC Bat signal, haha.

  • Lamberkitten

    LOL! Gulliver Glambert. Love it. A Giant Amongst Us!!!!1111!!!! Nice one 8sour :) . I also love that Deez’s Scream can be heard by some vintage British “bobbies” trying to contain a bunch of hysterical Lambrits.

  • deez

    Whose batwinged monster is that on Adam’s chest?? It is an awesome specimen!

    • http://8sourcandy.wordpress.com/ 8sourcandy

      No idea. I took all these avitars when I was working on your book cover. I didn’t know how or if I’d use them, but I thought collecting them would come in handy. I did not label them so I am unsure (with the exception of old/regulars) who anyone is. I though the monster with the bandit eyewear was saskin. It’s not—saskin is brown…did saskin change her monster? I feel bad that I didn’t include saskin. :(

      • et

        That book cover is awesome. Ha! Love it.

        • auntieaimee

          It’s great, isn’t it? Ha! I hope TI establishes a permanent gallery for these works of art.

      • saskin

        Oh. Thank you. I feel included. Due to a series of unfortunate events I lost my little red monster. I like the brown one OK though.

        • naiya

          Your new monster is the creepiest thing evah!1!11!! I usually don’t notice the monsters too much, but your new one catches my eye every time and makes me shudder. I also wanted to let you know that I’m tarding over your evolution of BSC. It’s a classic!

          • saskin

            Thanks! Yes, it is the evolution of BSC from Clay to Adam. Quite honestly I’m not that artistic, creative or talented as the other participants but I couldn’t help participating this glamorous event. Yay.

        • Mithra

          I like your new brown avatar. We need more cranky earth tones – so many shiny happy pastels :P

          I was searching for Casey pics and came across this real tard art pic:

          http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_HOOL5LQGTmg/S4im3Axr9WI/AAAAAAAAAD4/cbtZBV69gzY/s320/CaseyJamesPortrait.JPG

          Looks like he just sucked an air balloon. I’m kinda sad that Pop Tarts isn’t sponsoring the tour anymore. They always would have a cheesy picture of all the Idols heads on a tour bus and would have been a perfect thing to use.

  • nerdgirl

    Yes! New entries! And they are getting better and better, if it’s even possible. Amazing! Decisions, decisions. Voting will be hard!

  • deez

    I L O V E our Lilliputian monsters !!!!!!!!!! Truly inspired!!!

    This is the best thread ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • deez

      “Puffin Classics” lol.

      • maturin

        Little TopIdol monsters be getting right up on his bizness!

  • Mithra

    Oh sweet Jestro, there is no way to pick just one. These are all so amazing. This new batch BWAHAHAHA! Keep em coming!

    Sour, yours needs special props :) I also like how that creepy little girl from your old avatar is stuck in Adam’s mouth. Please let him swallow her… :D

    Now I must force myself to scan the 150+ pages of the Droopy pic spam thread at IDF to come up with some images before the deadline. We so suffer for our tard art…

  • JaneRochester

    Oh. My. God. Edvard Munch. Oh jeez…genius…mphlmmmphllblllmph….

  • maturin

    I am enjoying all of these so much I feel like I should have a cheer for each.

    But the one time English major is definitely tarding on the Ode:

    What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?
    What batshit pursuit? What macaroni dreams?
    What dancers and drums? What wild tweets?
    The elephant is truth, truth elephant,

    • JaneRochester

      Aww, thanks. Us one-time English majors have to stick together. I mean, *we* one-time English majors…….[ahem] Back atcha for putting Cookie at the center of that table where he oh-so-rightly belongs. Sweet.

      • deez

        What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?

        I do love this line!! (the “wild tweets” also, lol)

  • Kate123

    Can I just say that “FOR YOUR BLINGEETAINMENT” is awesome. I actually laughed out loud at the “your” instead of “you’re”…the brilliance is in the details

    Also, Fantasia in “THE SECOND TO LAST IDOL SUPPER” is cracking me up.

    The description on ‘Kolsch and Kolsch’ is brilliant. And Deez’ original entry is possibly the greatest thing ever.

    The Plaid Menace!!!!

    and the Fundie Midget of ‘Teh Evul Empire’!

    and KRIM! and Saskin’s hilarious entries! and NerdGirl’s kajillion entries! SouthPark characters!!! An anti-tard Manifesto! A POEM!

    I’m totally tarding over the tard art.

  • Verbally Dyslexic

    I see deez has taken to harassing everyone who hasn’t sent in any tard entry. ;)

    • nerdgirl

      deez is an inspiration. Thank you, deez.

  • deez

    Where is BLACKLISTED????? I’m surprised she hasn’t superimposed Cale’s head on Michelangelo’s David yet!

  • vtu

    Yup. This is officially the best thing I’ve ever seen on the internet. Genius idea to have this contest, TI. Can’t wait to see what the next couple of days will bring. :)

  • MarkC

    Still working on my piece, but checking in to say that this is some really excellent shit here, guys. (You can read that as literally as you like, but I love you all no matter what, and it’s not like yours truly would do better :P ) Keep up the good work!

    • maturin

      Somehow I can’t wait to see what such a reasonable dude cranks out in the way of crazyzee!

  • margie

    These are fantastic. Great job guys!!

    • deez

      MARGIE????? Where is yours?

  • blah124

    LOL-this is brilliant…

  • nerdgirl

    Wow to the STAHS StarAdam and Starstantine! Great foresight of Nostradamic proportions!

  • nerdgirl

    First of all, I would like to thank everybody for providing wonderful works of art for us to enjoy. I kept taking a peek at them throughout the day at work, laughing uncontrollably every time and smiling afterwards. These pieces of tard art made otherwise drab Monday not just bearable, but enjoyable.

    Thanks again.

    Now, excuse me, too much art to view and enjoy.

  • Miz

    eek, sorry Kate123! I gave Maturin credit for your Last Idol/Supper. They are both super.

  • Verbally Dyslexic

    Holy moly, I feel overwhelmed amidst so much greatness in this post! Maybe I should submit something, but I’m a little intimidated by the amazing body of work I’ve seen so far. Also, the FIFA World Cup is on for a whole glorious month, and I get my tard on pretty hardcore for it.

    • deez

      Hey!!! I worked on mine during a baseball game. You must make sacrifices for ART!

      • Verbally Dyslexic

        But you clearly have unparalleled talent. You can probably doodle these things in your sleep.

        I’ll give it a shot.

        • deez

          LOL!!! It took me HOURS!!!!!

  • Lauren

    These are all so amazing! I don’t know which is my favorite! I wish I was creative enough to submit something. I don’t feel like writing a fic, and there is no way I can beat Jane’s poem!

    • deez

      I will taunt you mercilessly until you submit SOMETHING!!!!

      • Lauren

        Hmmm idk…I am just so lazy!

      • Verbally Dyslexic

        I’ll join you, deez!

        Lauren, if I may direct you to your avatar (ahem!) Kittehs, unicorns and glittery manips. What more do you need? Now is time for you to express your Kradam fantasies under the pretext of contest participation.

        Do it….

  • suenigma

    Thanks for the best extended laugh that I have had in a long time TopIdol . Sheer Genius. As one who struggles with my own Cooktardism, this site helps keep me in check. I am mainky a lurker, but I am always here snickering away in the background.

    So we’ve already got TardArt and TardTardArt (FauxTardArt?), how about a little Idolart? Just found this on twitter. Cook is no Deez of course, but he’s not bad…

    @thedavidcook artwork featured as part of Doodle 4 Literacy Art auction http://bit.ly/bYcDGn (zoom: http://bit.ly/bdMErx)

    • deez

      Nice…I’m impressed.

  • maturin

    BTW, I am just the creator of the ‘Second to Last Supper” spanning multiple seasons and space time contiuums, not to mention allowing out the Cooktard fragments of my soul.

    I am LOL’ing at the twisted psychic paths that drove the creation of not one but TWO Da Vinci-esque sacrilegious tard tributes.

    • cc

      Love it. :D

      Tard arts know ~no boundaries, from biblical to scientific theory, literary works and famous paintings. As TI said…”most important movements in art history”!!1!1

    • Kate123

      Aww maybe there’s group therapy we can join for people who bastardize DaVinci’s masterpieces. I’ll bring the Mona Lisa shaped Krispy Kremes.

      • maturin

        I’ll bring the Mona Lisa shaped Krispy Kremes.

        I’ll bring the coffee and tear stained manuscript explaining how the Vatican is in on American Idol conspiracies and how Da Vinci’s journal’s foretold the twister conspiracy of Arkansas

    • nerdgirl

      I love that there Idols from many season represented. Is it sad that I could recognize them all? Favorite part – they all have delicate white feet with sandals (even Ruben!).

  • Mugsy

    This art is amazing. I am in awe of #8, with Michael Sarver over at the end of the table. He can’t even reach the food. You are all very talented.

    • nerdgirl

      I like that Sarver and Matt Giraud look like a couple…

  • songkat7

    These are brilliant! I thought I was creative, but this is nothing I could ever aspire to. Brava and Bravo to all!!! This thread is absolutely hilarious.

    And I can’t pick a favorite, either. Too much goodness — all must win, I say.

    • songkat7

      P.S. What in the hell is my monster, anyway? I have horns and icicles hanging down from my ears? Are those pink folded arms over my mouth, or a very strange pink handlebar moustache? I honestly can’t figure it out.

      • et

        Devil horned-razor winged-Joker mouthed-smishy-mad eyed “x”?

        • songkat7

          Ooooh, I like!! Especially the Joker-mouthed part.

          • et

            Joker mouths make me raise my claws. Huzzah!

      • JaneRochester

        I thought we’d both been in the raspberry schnapps. At least, that explains my crossed eyes.

        • maturin

          It’s possible your monster is barfing shnapps.

          Possibly after listening to Lee Dewyze sing Hinder.

          • muzikizmi

            Hinder singing Hinder makes me barf. So, Lee can only be worse.

          • JaneRochester

            Ha! I don’t know Hinder from a hole in the wall, so I liked that song when Lee sang it. But I like most things Lee sings, with or without schnapps. :p

        • songkat7

          If it’s raspberry schnapps, then I must be pissed when I drink it, judging by my angry eyes.

          But I can definitely get behind that explanation, as well as barfing from listening to anyone sing that ghastly Hinder song.

          • jazz

            No offense, but I think your monster is in the process of something like mitosis — trying to separate into two units or something. ???

            Then again, I think I’m just jealous because your head is actually distinct from your body & you have two eyes…..

      • nerdgirl

        You obviously related to me with those razor-blade arms. I was told they are a good thing, although I still cannot figure out how to use them.

        • Pandora

          Razor blade arms mean you are obviously closely related to Edward Scissorhands, no?

          • nerdgirl

            That’s what I’ve been told. Honestly, I cannot cut paper in a straight line with the scissors.

        • songkat7

          Hmmm….Edward Scissorhands or the bad Terminator from T2? Definite possibilities.

          Nerdgirl – yours is a contrast – razor arms but delicate bunny ears. Interesting!

          • songkat7

            Jazz – if my body is separate from my head, either my mouth is on my body or that’s one very strange belly button. ::shivers:: ;)

          • nerdgirl

            You look like two hearts connected together. But with horns.

  • caspar

    I think Maturin’s ‘The Second to (None)(Last) Supper’ should have been the Kris/Adam one. Except Adam should be in the Jesus position, with Kris/Judas on his left hand conspiring with 2 guys whose togas are labeled ‘AT&T’ and ‘Chik Fil A’ (in Aramaic, of course)?

    In the other ‘Supper’ one, I like that Cook’s feet aren’t his usual giant boots, but the dainty, flip-flop clad tooties of some Italian poofter.

    • maturin

      In the other ‘Supper’ one, I like that Cook’s feet aren’t his usual giant boots, but the dainty, flip-flop clad tooties of some Italian poofter.

      I…wish I could say I did that on purpose, but I didn’t even notice the feeties lined up.

  • leastofall

    WOW! Brilliant! You guys are so talented and funny! Oh Deez, you’ve captured Kris’ hairy legs so beautifully. I love the lil peek a moo sparkle cow on Adbombs shoulder.

    • Lucky

      I can’t stop looking at the cow! It makes me laugh over and over again!

    • jazz

      I know! I’m so impressed with all the tard art!

  • deez

    YAY!!!!!!!!!!! These just keep getting funnier and funnier!! It is going to be IMPOSSIBLE to pick a winner! Do you leave it open for public vote, or sumbit it to an all-star panel of judges???

    Call it a draw? I can’t decide which I like best, I think it depends on which one I’m looking at!!

    • Kate123

      I think it’s a race for second place after your epic entry.

  • nerdgirl

    I see that my Season 9 Tour Advertisement is not getting any attention. Tut my own horn: Casey – Guitar Gawd, Lee – singing bass etc.

    But I understand why – so many amazing masterpieces:

    Idol-lution!

    The Last Idol!

    Plenty of new book covers – should we expect the books, too? Please, please, please…

    However, deez as the inspiration to us all is still unsurpassed!

    • jukejoint

      I was just puzzling them out. So Lee is the fish… That means Timmeh has the harp?

      • deez

        OK Mike bottom right, Aaron in the green shirt…Garcia is swirly glasses??

        • jukejoint

          This is what I got:

          Top row, left to right: Lee as Big Mouth Billy Bass, Katie as Kumbaya Girl, Baby Aaron, Timmeh the Cherub with Harp
          Middle: Garcia in Glasses, Siobhan the Flower Girl, Casey at the Guitar, Paige in Bad Shorts
          Bottom: Didi the Cryer and Michael Goin’ Old School Crooner

          • jukejoint

            Uh oh. I don’t have a Crystal. She must be the one with the dreads. Like, duh.

          • nerdgirl

            Hint: there is no Paige, but there is Siobhan

    • nerdgirl

      OK. So there is Casey, the Guitar Hero in a center.
      From the upper left corner counter clockwise:
      Lee – the singing bass, Crystal – sitting with guitar, Aaron – singing baby, the heavenly Timmeh, Siobhan in crazy pants, Mike the Entertainer, Didi the Crying Girl, Andrew with crazy glasses, Katie – the non-descript lady in a dress.

      Here is your Top Ten!

      Now I will proceed to admire the wonderful works of tard art provided for my entertainment.

  • Kate123

    awww #8 is actually mine too. Here I was thinking I was being all original with ‘The Last Supper’ :(

    • jukejoint

      I would call the FBI and “City Hall” if I were you. And maybe put Kolsch & Kolsch on retainer. Your artwork was STOLEN!!!!! You should demand reparations!!!!!!

      (Your Last Supper is lovely, by the way. I don’t know my Biblical imagery well enough to know who’s who, but Kris as the ultimate Chris is cool.)

      • Kate123

        Lol, I would gladly pretend that someone else spent their time on making that tard art instead of me. My mom walked in the room when I was painting ‘Forbidden Love’ and turned around and walked right back out.

        • deez

          HAHAHA!!!!!!!! I’ve been caught as well. The explanation of what you’re doing always comes across like some kid trying to blame something on the dog.

          • Mithra

            I fear one day getting run over by a truck and my family discovering my pitcure file and thinking I made all that tard art I’ve downloaded :D

  • jukejoint

    The submissions have exploded! And they are BRILLIANT!!!!!

    I can’t even speak, I’m so choked up with love. (Did anybody see the Tony Awards last night? That’s what Marian Seldes did. She didn’t say a word. Just sort of indicated with the wave of one tiny hand that she was touched and overwhelmed and then caned her way off stage.)

    I am kind of sad that my SAMUEL TILDEN SECOND 2 NUN campaign isn’t going very well, though. Ah well. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and then you have… Something.

    • LittleMissCynic

      I will jump aboard your Samuel Tilden: Second to None campaign. Samuel Tilden was a RAWKGOD INTERNATIONAL SUPERSTAR!!1!!!111!!! And he was robbed. ROBBED. All because of blatant HOMOPHOBIA on the part of “mainstream” America. They just didn’t get his EDGINESS. Plus he is a SEX GOD. And Ratherfurd P. Hughes is balding and his facial hair looks stupid.

      I bet google trends would PROVE the real, true facts of reality that Samuel Tilden should have won.

      Now I’m off to find an online poll I can spam.
      TildenTard #267845

  • Blue Eyes

    OMFG! Where do I start? Hilarious!

  • nobunnyearshere

    Oh, and can I whine a little bit that my monster isn’t monsterish at all? And HAS bunny ears? (dammit! I said nobunnyearshere! Which is a not-so-nice snark at the bunny-ear bimbos from Cook’s EndlessTardstalker tewer last year)

    • et

      You do have a rather kind and gentle looking monster. Cute smile, bunny ears, pleasingly purply square body…

      • deez

        You are deceptively cute. Just like the carnivorous bunny (“just a harmless little bunny”!)that tries to thwart King Arthur, Sir Bedemir, et al. from entering the Cave of Kyre Banorg

        • jukejoint

          I believe that same killer rabbit attacked Jimmy Carter when he was president. Don’t underestimate the rabbit!

          • nerdgirl

            Bunnies have quite strong hind legs with sharp claws. believe me I worked with some of these “cute” creature and was scratched badly…

    • nobunnyearshere

      Awww, thanks you guys. I feel like a very dangerous rabbit now. “Wot’s he gonna do, nibble me bum?” I don’t think that rabbit was magenta, but that makes me all the more dangerous.
      And my apologies to you as well, Kate123. Yea, mine eyes were so verily dazzled by the blingification before me that I somehow thought Maturin’s work was thine. I fling myself at thine own feets (hopefully not strong with sharp claws) and beg forgiveness.

  • nobunnyearshere

    Y’all have truly made my manic Monday morning more bearable. Since I don’t have an artistic bone in my body I can contribute only my undying tardish admiration for all these masterpieces of literary and artistic triumph. Gotta say that Maturin’s are currently cracking me up as the snarkmeisterpieces that they are.
    I think the first ape in the Evolution of Idol-Man-Tard is Clay Itchin. Who I would have made a blob of protoplasm, myself, but he works better as Saskin created him.

  • Lucky

    I’m speechless. And in awe that the commenters on this blog are so talented and creative! (bowing down) “I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy”!

  • Miz

    I have to give it to Maturin for the two Last Suppers. I can’t decide which is better. The one with Matt and Megan having block heads tugs at my heart strings. But the one with Archie delivering pizza and Oskar gets bonus points for creativity and sucking up to the judge.

    They are ALL fabulous and kudos to the artists! I want to see more.

  • Stacy

    Krim wins. Krim ALWAYS wins *wink*

    I love love love the Darwin one but I’m confused as to who the first ape is. I didn’t know there was anything less evolved than Greasy Constantine.

    • Miz

      First tard ape is Clay. I was confused as to what the criteria was for the males chosen, but it all made sense once I realized it was on most BSC fan clubs. There needs to be a companion piece that depicts the fans in the exact same way. Because we all know they are the one true REAL stars of American Idol and second to nuns.

      • nerdgirl

        Second to nuns… Been laughing about this line all day

  • gelid

    Great…just GREAT. I go out and have a weekend and miss a contest? It’s not too late! I made a blingee or three before my eyes started to bleed. If I can remember where they are I can get one in before the deadline.

    I must enter one I have already made. I cannot risk my vision to do new ones.

    Batshittery and rehabilitard are my favorite screennames…LMFAO over those.

    • Kate123

      YAY more tard art!!!

  • et

    You guys are frighteningly brilliant. Holy cow!

  • JaneRochester

    Wow. This is an insanely talented group of people. I’m patting myself on the back for setting down my coffee cup before I opened this page. Yay, me!

    Kate123, you have taken a piece of art that has long disturbed me more than just about anything other than Magritte’s “Time Transfixed,” and made it even MORE disturbing. Awesome!

    Maturin, I can’t decide which is the better supper: “The Last Idol,” where you thoughtfully matched Allison’s robe to her scarlet locks (with special added Epic!Danny-with-a-knife!!!), or “Second-to-Last,” which has Lee crammed into the far left corner like the afterthought everyone but me thinks he is. Hee!

    CC, you’re leading the Best Line competition with, “The Wank Begins.” Stellar.

    There will be no voting here. I’ll have to flip a coin.

    • parsenip

      CC, you’re leading the Best Line competition with, “The Wank Begins.” Stellar.

      Agreed. A standout line. This is a prequel right? Because the wank began long, long ago.

      • http://topidolblog.com TopIdol

        HA HA HA!

        In a wankaxy far, far away. And then someone blew up Alderaan Planet Fierce.

    • cc

      :D

      LOL @ my failed!GlampocalyPse. *smh*

  • Pandora

    I need to come up with some good lyrics…

    • deez

      Times a wastin’ for The Blowholes!!!!!

      • Pandora

        I was trying to come up with some for No Boundaries, but it’s hard to change the lyrics to a song with no melody.

  • maturin

    the hands and buns seem to line up as the opening notes of the great musical composition of ‘No Boundaries’.

    :-)

    • Lamberkitten

      I know! So much epic. The Plaid Menace – The wank begins…Attorneys at LawL lol – Specialising in Injustice…..Jellus bitches….Thou overly-ravish’d groom of glamour……..images of a conniving Gokey betraying he-who-shalt-not-be-named……the unforgettable and delightful Forbidden Love….Kradam’s typical ROMANTICAL evening lol…..these and many more will have me cackling in my sleep for many eons to come. Bravo one and all :)

      • Lamberkitten

        Oh and CB’s Sexylicious Blingeetainment……”Thanks for loving me. You’re Doing it Perfectly!11!” that eleventy placement was killer lol. *tears*

        • http://topidolblog.com TopIdol

          Lamberkitten, I want an entry from YOU!

          Never in my wildest dreams did I expect to receive the caliber of talent displayed here. This might be my all-time favorite post, too. Right now, I feel so much pride and admiration for everyone. Now keep ‘em coming!

          • JaneRochester

            I thought her judges remarks were her entry. Looked pretty epic to me.

  • Lamberkitten

    And now these latest works of genius?!!!! I have no words that fully express my appreciation for the talent that is presented for our amusement and amazement. Its looking tougher to pick a winner. I will try to express though in the style of our favourite judges:

    KARA: *leans forward and points finger conveying genuine sucking up* – “You guys showed true ARTISTRY on that page tonight!”

    RANDY: “Hey, what have I been saying since day one dudes? This page! It’s fresh!!!! It’s current!!!!!! Dog! This is the BOMB dudes!!! *exasperated shrugs, then slyly check’s for Simon’s approval*

    ELLEN: * twinkly blue-eyed smiles for all the contestants, with a cheeky wink at Deez*: “I loved ALL the exhibits. In fact if this whole post was a resident of either Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Vermont or Washington DC, I would marry it today.”

    SIMON: *overblown sighs, oh dear-he-doesn’t-approve-expression*: “Look – I have got to be honest. This is not the best post I have ever seen at Top Idol” *turns and holds hands up at outraged boos from disgruntled posters*. “Er, if you just let me finish” *tilts a sidewards, condescending nod to audience* – “As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted, this is NOT the best post I have ever seen posted at Top Idol……. *pauses for dramatic effect then slowly broadens his most smuggest smile* “I genuinely believe that this has been, not just the best, but the most talented and funniest post in the history of the whole internet BLOGOSPHERE!!!111!!! I think we have finally found what these blogs are all about – an International Superstar!!!!111!!!! *rises slowly to validate his opinion with a standing ovation alongside the relieved, triumphant cheers that erupt from all the TI posters* “Congratulations, well done” *smiles and nods pompously and approvingly at all the contestants, then eyes narrow and strokes chin as he considers how he can market this Top Idol post to Japan*

    PAULA: *says nothing – she can’t – so apoplectic with love for this post she is a quivering, twitching wreck…….finally speechless and sobbing in Simon’s lap, where she belongs, awww Pimon/Saula? * :)

    • Stacy

      LMAO that was so, so true.

    • deez

      LOL…..*applause* VERY NICE!!!111!!!!!!!, Lamberkitten!!!!!!!!!!!

  • deez

    OMGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS EPIC!!

    What man or gawd is this? That bovines love?

    I loved the Ode!! This line in particular is tres magnifique!!

    The “Last Supper” was truly LOL funny…that is, until I saw the “Second to Last Supper” which was RFLMAO funny1!!! Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Glampocalypse, The Plaid Menace: The Wank Begins

    I <3 The Darth Lord.

    And Kudos to Kate123!! I love this!!!! Kradam>>>>>the sisters!!!!!

    Everyone has truly outdone themselves today!!!

  • Starr

    Kate123, you have accomplished an incredible feat: eliciting both a series of guffaws and a “MY EYES! THEY BURN!” from me. I bow at your awesomeness.

    • http://topidolblog.com TopIdol

      It’s a pretty incredible piece, isn’t it?

    • Kate123

      I feel honoured and this strange tingling that might be shame.

  • deez

    LOLOLOLOLOL!1111111111!!!!!!1111111111111111!!!! Unleash the Kerrazy!

    KerryKolsch said 51 minutes ago
    Keep up the good work!
    Every time you people go loco, my book sells like crazy. Can you add the cover of my book to your artwork? BTW it is not me that can not spell, it is the vodka. I feel the same way as Christopher Hitchens, I am more intelligent drunk then most people are sober. Who cares about a misplaced letter here or there? You, on the other hand, keep violating Federal Laws. You are the one that is hopelessly delusional.

    Oh, you fucking dumbass, I’m not your stupid cybersquatter. If you are so much smarter than everyone else, shouldn’t you have figured out the identity of said “violator” by now? If Vodka is responsible for your poor spelling and grammar skills, you must be an alcoholic.

    • Kate123

      She has to be a joke. I refuse to believe that she’s serious.

      • Mithra

        I think she’s a brilliant comic performance artist myself…

        I think I shall make Kerry tard art, since she is worthy of being tarded over. :P

    • jukejoint

      She needs to get together with that other lawler (from a “major firm”) who had instant access to “City Hall” and jidges and FBI people. And the Bat Signal, too! I’m sure that would be a lot quicker than the route, er, trial she’s currently taking with her Federal investigation of who has the twitter account for Underpants Press or whatever else it is she’s taking on about.

      Note she can spell vodka just fine. Hiccup.

      Meanwhile, deez, I want the cover of MY book (Samuel Tilden, Second 2 Nun) in your Sistine Chapel ceiling. It’s going to sell like hotcakes as soon as I can get it whipped out through Vanity Press R Us, my own imprint.

      • deez

        Her sales went CRAZZZY!! I bet she doubled them ..from what? 4 to 8? I wonder if she’s made back the cash she laid out to print that sucker yet? That real estate scam money doesn’t go as far as it used to!

      • On The Edge

        Y’all, are we 100% sure this isn’t some scam artist troll who just decided she would try to be the biggest tard ever, scamming the frauen AND the worsters with one big long con? The more I read from her the more I think it HAS to be one big joke she’s pulling on us.

        • Mithra

          I kind of think so, but damn, she’s kept it up for so long and in so many places. It’s hard to tell parody from crazy sometimes, because the crazy is so funny that the real stuff seems unreal. It’s like the VFTW Whatevia Awards mail bag. The first entry is so chock full of cliches I think it may not be real, but then there are so many instances of the crazy just like it. One thing that leads me to suspect Kerry is a put on is that she slightly outed someone she was attacking on twitter, by mentioning a name and a paper trail, yet said no more. This is actually someone she could bust as pot calling the kettle black, yet she keeps picking on poor little Deez :D Or maybe she just had a blackout and forgot :P Or she really IS quietly gathering info for her team of lawlers (in her mind) and she’s just all talk on some stuff for attention…?

          • deez

            I’ve wondered for a long time whether or not she’s a brilliant troll, but what swayed me against that notion are these 2 things:

            1) This isn’t a recent thing…she’s been saying the same thing 24/7 for over a year, who has that much time to troll?

            2) Her previous idiotic conspiracies and rants on political boards.

            I honestly believe that she’s just a really crazy nut.

          • Mithra

            I know people who have created internet personas who have kept it up for YEARS. I also have known (and dated) some not so crazy arsed lawlers, and not low end toliet college ones like Kerry and future Krunk Jess, who mess around daily on forums as a way to express their humour and creativity. Kerry is an enigma :D

    • nerdgirl

      I see, Kerry started working on her defense: I was drunk, it was vodka talking, it was just a joke. She consulted the “major” lawyer, I suppose.

  • deez

    I am floating in irony here:

    KerryKolsch said:
    on 6/12/2010 10:14:11 PM

    What a sad Life you must live If you get excited that I left you a comment!

    (Hi Kerry!!!) Hilarious that she lurks here and comments on everything we do, and has also commented on every article ever written about “that one guy” for the past YEAR, yet thinks it “sad” that we find her comical.

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