Post-Performance Hoedown: Who’s gonna win American Idol?
Popular opinion (and DialIdol) is predicting a Lee DeWyze upset over Crystal Bowersox, who without a doubt won every one of last night’s matchups — including her final performance of Patty Griffin’s Up on a Mountain, by far the best of the night.
But Crystal doesn’t have a penis. Nor is she commercial. If only Crystal Bowersox had a commercial penis, she would have totally won this thing! (Hey, don’t cry for Crystal, she’s gonna be just fine.)
While DialIdol does not factor in the millions of text votes cast by American Idol fans, one can perhaps safely assume Lee DeWyze had a lot more crazy-ass power texters in his corner. He’s a white schlub with a penis. That’s all you need to know.
Those hard-core American Idol fans over at Idol Forums think Lee should win because he might be an inspiration to slightly retarded kids everywhere.
I’m not trying to knock the guy, I’m just genuinely curious. I know he went to Forest View Alternative School, which is “a program to meet the learning needs of highly at-risk special education students”.
He seems a little slow at times. I went to the parade with my two nieces and noticed his mannerisms were eerily similar to my cousin’s who has down syndrome. He kind of slurs his words at times too.. like when he said, “I’m gonna twy ta win the thing alwiiight”. That would be very cool if a special ed student won American Idol. It would be very inspiration to a lot of kids!
I don’t really need to punctuate that with anything, do I? But now I just keep thinking of Valley of the Dolls. Remember when Jennifer North married Tony Polar and could never understand why his overbearing sister was always around? And then she discovers Tony had a congenital brain condition causing him to have seizures and be mildly retarded? Anyway… (ETA: It was deleted. Bastards.)
MTV’s Jim Cantiello in Los Angeles (Hanging out with Lyndsey Parker, too!) for the finale, but still managed to get his Idol in 60 Seconds in early. Crystal is drunk! YAY!
Entertainment Weekly’s Adam B. Vary was also on the scene last night at the Nokia…
The courtyard outside the Nokia was also lousy with Idol alumni. Look, there’s season 8′s Scott MacIntyre doing some press! There’s his season mates Anoop Desai and Matt Giraud posing together for an iPhone photo! There’s season 6′s Chris Richardson chatting and hugging some fans! There’s season 4′s Constantine Maroulis politely waving off some fans! And there’s season 5′s Kevin Covais…talking to his friends who are all somehow smaller than he is! (For the record, the crowd appeared by far to be most excited about spotting Anoop, although that may have something to do with his jaunty bow tie with white and orange stripes.)
(Constantine Maroulis was there? They really did invite everyone back for Simon’s big sendoff. Guess its a good way to fill those empty seats, though. Did you hear? American Idol didn’t even score 20 million viewers last night.)
Entertainment Weekly’s King of all things Idol, Michael Slezak, gives the night to Crystal Bowersox, but because he knows how these things work, doesn’t that that means she has it in the bag.
The larger question that’s looming over the Idoloonie nation, however, is whether Crystal’s triumph in the Tuesday-night performance finale will be enough to win the season 9 war. As I said in the latest episode of Idolatry (embedded at the end of this recap), it doesn’t matter that much whether it’s Crystal or Lee getting that confetti shower at the Nokia on Wednesday. Because unlike some of their Idol predecessors, these two cats seem to have developed the kind of fan bases that will buy their post-Idol debuts based on the quality of the music, not on the basis of a ”winner” or ”runner-up” title.
MJ has compiled a list of rumors — many of which are now confirmed — for tonight’s American Idol (and Simon Cowell) Finale Show. I do love me some Hall & Oates. But does Lee DeWyze really fit the whole Philadelphia Soul vibe? Crystal Bowersox will be Getting By With a Little Help from Her Friends and Joe Cocker. Solo performers confirmed for tonight’s show:
- Kris Allen (Performing his latest single, The Truth)
- Christina Aguilera (You’re not Lady Gaga. Get over it.)
- Enrique Iglesias (He totally peaked with Escape. I hope Idol doesn’t make him cover his mole.)
- Carrie Underwood (Ugh. Not again.)
Gawker’s Richard Lawson made me love him more. Why oh why aren’t he and I watching American Idol together?
OK, see, now I think it’s gonna be Phil. I think he’s too beloved to lose. People have seen into his soul patch and they like what they saw — a soft squishy thing, a hint of shag carpeting, some barely used dumbbells sitting in a mildewed corner, mysterious socks lying under the couch. They have seen into Phil’s basement boy’s room essence and, compared to Crystal’s — which is spikier, harder to traverse — it looks a little like heaven. Like the kind of thing they want to be. Like, well, a beautiful day.