Let’s just make it the Harry Connick Jr. Show: AI9 Top 5 Results Show Recap

Tonight’s American Idol results show might be the best of the season. Harry Connick, Jr. and Lady Gaga are performing, which is guaranteed to be better than anything we’ve seen this season on the Idol stage. (Yes, I’m looking at you, Miley, Ke$ha, Purity Ring Disney Couple, and especially you Rascall Fatts.)

It’s also Cinco de Mayo. And 5 contestants remain. This better mean Kara DioGuardi attempts counting. Alas. There just has to be a group medley of Sinatra songs, but since Siobhan Mangus went home last week, it gives the remaining 4 guys to start things off with Lady is a Tramp to introduce Crystal, the contestant to which all group sing shit shows are centered upon. But since there are so few left, the others get to actually do a bit of soloing.

Everyone wore tuxedos, some with ties, some without. They were dressed for a football game with Tommy Wiseau. Big Mike wore another tiny hat. They came. They “sang.” The entire Rat Pack rolled over in their respective graves.

Next week, Jamie Foxx is returning as a mentor for Movie Theme Week. Tarantino wouldn’t have anything to do with this crop of kiddies, and Idol was able to get Harry this year, so Jamie Foxx gets bumped to Movie Song Week. Ooooh…isn’t it time for the contestants to sing TWO songs? Will they be performing duets again this season?

THE GREATEST IDOL FORD COMMERCIAL EVER MADE

Picture it: A Parisian cafe. A man (Lee DeWyze) spies a woman (Crystal Bowersox) as she examines her glove. Tres bien! The man almost trips over a large black man wearing a beret (They edited out the Kangol logo) making googly eyes at his two tiny dogs (what, no poodles?). A teenager-in-scarf (Aaron Kelly) rides by on a bike, nearly knocking out the man-in-love. After his near-collision with the teenager, our hero then almost collides with the waiter (Casey James) as he carries a tray of three cappuccinos, which must all be for the woman, as she is the only one sitting in the cafe. She stands as the man finally approaches her, or perhaps she just wants her three frothy beverages. They look longingly at each other once more before the man walks over. Oh burn. He walks right past her. The man was just staring at his lime green Ford Fiesta this entire time. He wipes a smudge from the Fiesta logo on the rear, tells it he will made mad passionate love to it when he arrives back at his arondissement, as our heroine looks sad. But the waiter is still there, and he did not spill those three cappuccinos the woman ordered. And he smiles her. The man drives off in his little green car. The bow-tied waiter and the woman begin to talk about life, liberty and equality. The effervescent large black man who is not Andre Leon Talley strolls off with his two pugs. The teenager riding his bike to ecole was hit by the man driving the little green car and died at the scene.

Ok. I totally made the very last part up. However, this minute-long, existential gem shot on a deserted sound stage gem aptly explained the dynamics of the final 5 contestants like nothing we’ve ever seen. The lovely heroine waiting at the cafe for her prince/record contract. The confident hero. The inconsequential happy-go-lucky large black man. The inconsequential teenager just making his way through it all on his bike. And then the waiter. The mere waiter who gets the girl, but is not the hero because he is a lowly cafe waiter with a Metro pass and does not drive off in the car. This explains everything.

More filler ensues, namely just another excuse to play The Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling. What the Idols did pre-Idol is compared with what they are doing now. It’s fairly lame, except frauen are now squeeing after seeing Lee DeWheezy roll out of bed to the sound of his alarm clock. I’m just THRILLED we are shown my old buddies — the judges’ rehearsal stand-ins. OH FAKE RANDY I LOVE YOU. FAKE KARA YOU ARE THE BEST. I MISS YOU ALL.

Obviously, Fake Randy is beloved by all because we are allowed to see him speak. Seacrest even tells Randy to watch his back. Uh, yeah. Because Fake Randy is so much better than REAL RANDY. This is the obvious precursor to Seacrest quizzing the contestants on whatever the hell is is Seacrest talks about. He lingers on Big Mike the longest, leading me to STILL attest it is Lynche who is going home tonight.

Lee DeWheezy goes first. He talks about getting criticized on the show, which is amusing, because it is difficult to recall a time when he was criticized. Naturally, he kind of looks like he’s kind of going to vomit. Simon blows sunshine up his ass and tells him he could win the entire thing, because frankly, the once-beloved Bowersox is too good and too smart to play their reindeer games. The powers that be now believe she is the Harrison Bergeron of American Idol.

Lady Gaga is performing Alejandro in a big black lace veil surrounded by black flowers. Naturally, she leads in with a little piano-fied Bad Romance. Lady Gaga just pocketed $250.000 for putting on some of her Saturday afternoon casual wear and bringing some of her favorite gays to the stage. Somewhere Madonna is crying and 1000 Glamberts are unable to recognize the difference between Lady Gaga’s downtown performance art meets un-ironic camp meets raw natural talent meets costuming that could poke an eye out and their lord & savior, Adam Lambert.

I fraking love this song. Please don’t judge me. I also love that a winged statue of Jesus is shooting fire. The entire Jesus contraption reminds me of this Venus rain lamp which hung in my grandmother’s living room. It fascinated me as a young child, as I could not understand why someone would deliberately hang such a thing in their home.

The next bit of filler is beautiful, as we delve deeper into Harry Connick, Jr.’s time with the contestants. Can we just have Harry be the judge and host of this whole damn thing? Maybe have Debbie the Stage Manager and Fake Randy come out and play a bit, but seriously, if we just let Harry handle this crapfest, it could become a beautiful, beautiful thing. Harry talks on the phone to the exquisite Bybee James! He tells her that her son thought he was Chris Isaak. He says he is dressed like a…

HALF-GOAT. I have no words. This is the most beautiful piece of American Idol filler ever created. This just needs to be the entire show.

The word pitchy does not exist, judges. We need to stop saying that…He’s [Casey] singing out of tune. That’s how we say it. I gotta bone to pick with these judges about that stuff.

He then proceeds to call Big Mike what I think was a fucking asshole. It was bleeped out. I just want to watch Harry Connick, Jr. do this all night. I actually just want to transcribe this entire bit because its beautiful. Its smart. Its sarcastic. Its honest. Its sweet. Its funny. Harry skewers everyone involved with the show and still manages to come off as a charming & sincere rube. I think I am falling in love.

The whole I got a baby thing. Just drop it. Big Mike, drop it for real.

Harry Connick, Jr., you make me want to hump your leg. For the first time all season, American Idol was GOOD. Because you were doing most of the talking. And you were the best fraking mentor that’s ever been on this shit show. I just feel bad you had to coach such a mediocre group, because now I can’t stop picturing you asking Matt Giraud about his mole or telling Adam Lambert to take it down an octave or 10. I’m imagining you telling David Cook’s to wipe away his smug grin. I picture you making a clad-in-yellow Brooke White burst into tears and I picture you pissed off, smoking from Jason Castro’s one-hitter as he eats a burrito over your piano.

Ok. I’ll stop now. Harry just performed And I Love Her. He was perfect. You could also see the disgust in his eyes as the swaybots did their thing. Following his performance, and after a comical dig at Ellen DeGeneres, he introduces the contestants as they perform a few of HIS songs. Holy shit, Idol. You’re forcing us to endure another GROUP SING. And I don’t even care. Because this is the greatest episode of the entire season. Who the hell cares who goes home? Harry Connick, Jr. called Casey a half-goat and told Big Mike (and Crystal, by way of editing) to can it with the baby shit.

Speaking of our beloved Idol goat, Casey James ain’t sounding too bad tonight. Neither did DeWheezy. But these are vocal tracks. Still doesn’t stop Tiny Hat Man! Big Mike solos as if he just drank a GNC protein shake full of whey and melissma. Following the performance, Seacrest has Harry tell his story about when he met Frank Sinatra. He even slips in a joke about spousal abuse. The crowd laughs nervously. Oh stop being so damn politically correct. Basically, Harry performed for Sinatra but Sinatra wasn’t really in the mood for it. When they met after his self-described dismal showing, Old Blue Eyes simply told Jill Goodacre that she was beautiful, kissed her on the lips and walked away.

This is the only evening in the history of this shit show where all I want is more filler. More Harry Connick, Jr. More Gaga. I don’t care who goes home. I just want Harry to talk about goats and how the judges don’t know shit. I just want him to make fun of the contestants more and teach them real things about composition and bad notes, you know, those things that might be helpful if they ever have actual careers in music. And I just know If we keep Harry around just a little longer, he will tell Kara DioGuardi to go to hell, I know it!

Finally down to business. Crystal on one side. Big Mike and Aaron on the other. Casey gets sent to Crystal’s side. Seacrest pulls the whole if you had to choose bit with Lee. He just hates his life right now and wants to throw up. He shoots daggers at Seacrest, shakes his head and simply says No. Surprisingly, Seacrest doesn’t push it. He saw the look of hatred in DeWheezy’s eyes. Seacrest is afraid. It is time to look at the teleprompter once more.

CRYSTAL AND GOATY JAMES ARE SAFE!!! The Bottom 2 are Big Mike and Little Aaron! TOLD YOU SO.

Awwww…and Little Aaron is sent home. Not before Big Mike whispers a few words of encouragement in his ears. Hey, I know a lot of people hated Aaron, but he’s a sweet little boy. I couldn’t even hate on the kid. I hate on almost everybody. Did you ever think this kid would make it to #5? Hell no. I think he’s even pretty happy with his Idol journey. Sure, he looks a little sad now, but he knew he wasn’t gonna win the whole damn thing. For a tiny 17-year-old from nowhere Pennsylvania, he’s a pretty grounded kid. Now he can go back to high school and work on photography, his other great love. And maybe fly on more airplanes. Maybe he’ll get a little country album deal out of the whole damn thing. I just can’t hate on Little Aaron. Sorry. Can’t do it.

But most importantly…

Casey is safe. Go buy a t-shirt. (And then thank Goatlove himself for setting up the little shop. Because Goatlove is an actual person. And then thank Unravel101 for hooking me up with this nifty little design.)

Oh, and Harry Connick, Jr. I miss you already. How about you talk to your agent and see if he can get you a multiepisode arc in Season 4 of Mad Men. Its filming right now. You. Don Draper. Wearing suits and appropriately-sized hats for your handsome appropriately-sized heads. Make it happen, Harry, make it happen.