Holy Toledo why were they knocking off Banksy? AI9 Top 3 Results

This recap may be a day late and a dollar short, but hey, that’s the story of my life.

Am I looking forward to watching this? Hell no. Set aside, for a moment, the fact Our Beloved Goatboy was sent home (He wasn’t given much to work with last night, so…), because that’s not it. Justin Bieber (aka the Imp of Hades) is here. Some yahoo named Travis Garland is here — by way of Perez fucking Hilton. Perez fucking Hilton. Perez fucking Hilton is honestly a person I would not mind getting run over by a Mack truck.

All those eliminated before are sitting in the audience. I barely remember anyone since Andrew Garcia. Seacrest sits Casey, Crystal and Les DeWeewee down on the sofa for a chitty chat in the vein of Edward R. Murrow. At one time, Les DeWeewee’s general apathy towards the proceedings seemed a lot like the need to vomit. Lately, it seems to be leaning more towards the possibility he could be a big ol’ self-absorbed asshat.

The contestants talk about their journeys back home. Mark my words — this season will be the first season they allow the contestants to perform original music on the tour, namely Crystal Bowersox’s Holy Toledo. Les DeWeewee rambles on a bit like Danny Gokey, the man responsible for 1/3 his DNA. Casey James seems to let Bowersox and DeWeewee to carry the conversation since he pretty much accepted the fact he would be killed him off tonight. Bowersox is press savvy — son, diabetes, the Lord.

Randy Jackson is allowed to talk. Is there a case for getting him a court-appointed guardian who would be responsible for not only setting ground rules on anything he says, but also for purchasing his eyewear? Randy talks about how the contestants have grown because of Idol and their guidance. Casey James just starts laughing. He’s grinning ear to ear. Homeboy does not give a shit at this point and its impossible not to love him for it.

I was just thinking, not every single comment was usable.

Oh, cameraman, doing the pre-commercial break closeup on Bowersox and then realizing it should be on Casey, as his homecoming will be seen next. Tsk tsk. That save was not very stealthy, but you’re probably just doing what you’re told. I get it. Everyone needs a paycheck.

I’m tired. Can I stop writing now?

FORD COMMERCIAL MAYHEM

The director of this week’s Ford commercial, set to Wild One, is likely some fresh young thing who thought, you know what is totally edgy and happening right now? Banksy. Let’s give this week’s spot a real Banksy edge.

I know Les DeWeewee is holding up the stencil so his fellow Banksy wannabes can put the finishing touches on the green Ford Fiesta before anyone sees them, but I like to think he’s pissing on the wall. Our boy Les seems like the type to piss on another person’s art. He kind of does that every week.

HOMECOMING: CASEY JAMES

As soon as Casey yells TEXAS from the private jet, I think I might like him more. Although I do feel bad for him playing up the fact he doesn’t have a girlfriend. He really doesn’t know what’s in store for him, does he? The frauen. They will eat him alive, but I think Les DeWeewee has more. And this woman, well, she had Casey sign her dog but she might be totally harmless. Unless she tattoos the signature into her puppy’s ass so he is branded forever.

Casey gets the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. And school girls. And a bunch of frauen. But he also says HOLY SHIT and it has to be bleeped. I like it. He said shit. Casey takes his exquisite momma Bybee with him to the hospital that saved his life after the motorcycle accident. Bybee is in tears and clutches the Good [& Hot] Dr. Corey Collinge while Casey bequeaths to him/the hospital a signed guitar.

Remember Mimi from The Drew Carey Show? I think she even came out to cheer on Casey James.

Also, can someone tell me why American Idol uses good music for narration, yet they no one can ever do these songs on the show?

Next up is Travis Garland, but before he performs, Seacrest gets to talk to Perez fucking Hilton aka the guy who championed Lady Gaga and Katy Perry. Oh please. He did not DISCOVER them. I don’t care if the bastard is getting Sony money now, he’s not some sort of sage/prophet/svengali. He’s a fucking douchebag who is the disgrace of the blogosphere. And all living creatures. It’s good to know he can probably only get laid if he pays for it.

Perez fucking Hilton thinks Travis Garland — who covered T.I. (not me) and Justin Timberlake in his bedroom and filmed it one day — is EVEN BETTER THAN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE.

Who the hell is this Toolie Garfield loser? Did someone kick him in the nuts before he went on stage? Our Beloved Frances, the Patron Saint of Hollywood, says Travis Garland has a big ass mole and that he was in some boy band called NLT that also had some dude in a wheelchair. The dancers. The paper-thin reediness of this kid’s voice. The song lacking both conviction, coherence and any discernible melody. Alas. Another gigantic fail for Perez fucking Hilton. (BTW, doesn’t everyone know there is only ONE Mole Idol? Quatto, bitches. Don’t forget it.)

This might be the longest American Idol episode in history. Do you get the feeling Seacrest just loves to utter the words Justin Bieber?

HOMECOMING: CRYSTAL BOWERSOX

This season may suck beyond belief, but Crystal Bowersox will forever remain one of my all-time favorite contestants. She’s fun! She’s talented! She doesn’t give a shit.

I just whomped that girl with a flower.

Michael Bell, the mayor of Toledo, naturally gives Crystal a KEY TO THE CITY! Michael Bell reminds me that Idol Homecomings always introduce us to at least one seemingly kick ass mayor.

Crystal’s song Holy Toledo is so damn good, they’re even using it as part of the soundtrack. And she’s got her old band with her. Hooray, folks! The band’s back together. You can’t not adore Crystal. Or her band. Or her biker father. Don’t you just want to hang out and smoke pot with Crystal Bowersox?

Crystal Bowersox. Just too damn good for this shit show, however, regardless what happens next week, things will work out amazingly well for this one. She’s special, mainly because she will never become what Idol wants her to be. She also cares about Northwest Ohio and is overcome with emotion that Holy Toledo has become an anthem for her city — and that they actually played it on American fucking Idol. Like I said, I bet she will be performing it on the tour, but hell, how is this girl gonna do with a set-in-stone set list every damn night?

HOMECOMING: LEE DEWYZE

Why the hell does Les DeWeewee get Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeroes’ AMAZING Home for his theme song? People scream for him. He gets to throw out the first pitch at a Chicago Cubs game (they lost, btw). Kids at an elementary school cheer for him.

Lee seems genuinely touched at his reception. Particularly at the paint store. He cries. He kind of reminds me of Jamie Oliver when he cries because the children are eating Tostino’s Party Pizzas for breakfast. BREAKFAST DAMMIT BREAKFAST.

I’m gonna try to win the thing, ALRIGHT.

Ok. He sounds rather annoyed? That was either humorous or…this one is tough. I really want to like this guy, even though I suspect I cannot stand him. He sounds better during his at-home performances, but hey, the pressure is off — Casey James knocked it out of the park back in Texas. DeWeewee getting genuinely choked up during I am leaving / I am leaving / But the fighter still remains almost fraking gets to me and I feel both dirty and manipulated. Luckily, before I can succumb to full-on parental-love manipulation tactics, I become fixated on DeWeewee’s TOO LONG NECKTIE and all is right with the world once again.

Lee DeWyze will win American Idol. And I’ll be okay with it. Why? Well first off, I don’t give a rat’s ass about the show. Second, he will finally be the guy to tell his frauen to step the frak off. I’m almost rubbing my hands with anticipation right now.

Seacrest gets to say Justin Bieber again. And as if tonight couldn’t get more excruciating, the Moppet of Beelzebub gets to sing TWO songs. Perhaps its a medley. Is anyone waiting for his voice to crack a la Peter Brady in that song about one has to rearrange when its time to change?

What can I say about Bieber? He’s a lot better than Travis Garland. The song Baby would be really catchy and cool if I didn’t have any taste. It just sounds like a T-Mobile commercial to me for some reason. And the kid still sort of sometimes screams date rapist to me, although I’m sure they’re just coaching him to look that way.

Drum solo. Pyrotechnics. It’s okay, Casey James. I would be wanting to get the hell out by now, too.

First person in next week’s finale? Duh. Lee DeWyze. That Les DeWeewee isn’t really a hugger. He likes to celebrate by himself, perhaps. Or he’s a douchebag. Ever the sweetheart, Crystal Bowersox asks if she’s safe before hugging Casey and saying keep playing. (She then goes to hug Les, so I guess he’s okay with his personal space being violated sometimes.) Casey seems okay with the way things went down. Hey, he got his homecoming. He’ll probably get a record deal out of it. Sadly, the poor thing is forced to do Daughters as his swan song. Casey, also the sweetheart, goes around the audience and puts his arm around some pretty young things, even picks up his little niece or family friend, some girl who wore the entire ribbon section of Michael’s on her head. He goes a little goaty on his encore. But come on, the song sucks. And who doesn’t LOVE GOATS?

You know Kara DioGuardi slipped him her private phone number once the credits rolled, right? But that Casey James, that good ol’ boy has some class. Hell, its probably why he finished third.