AI9 Top 4 Results: And the Razzie goes to…

37 million votes were cast (the most of the season)…Fantasia is here…so is Daughtry and Bon Jovi. Oh, and your American Idol Top 4 will become 3. Will the results after last night’s lukewarm Songs of the Cinema festivities be any surprise? Mustering up enthusiasm for this show has become as difficult as Lee DeWyze singing do-rei-me-fa-sol-la-ti-do on key. What? No movie song medley to warm our hearts? Not happening, because tonight’s show kicks off with the Moppet of Beelzebub Justin Bieber.

Ooops. I meant Fantasia. She’s performing her latest single, Bittersweet, a rather trite R&B ballad ripped off from Time Life’s Body & Soul collection. Subdued Fantasia is no fun. Bring me back the Fantasia who graced the Idol stage almost 2 years ago today! Remember her? The one who made Simon do this?

The best part about Fantasia is her matte latex leggings. And when she talks to the audience, because that kind of got me grooving to her jam. But no one can hate on Fantasia. She is lucky enough to have talent and to have appeared on the show in its prime.

Tonight’s Ford Commercial continues with last week’s faux-international theme, making use of all those seldom-used Hollywood sets. It’s like being on the Universal tram. Everyone gets in a car and they somehow travel to Japan, Germany and India. Crystal is now clad in a kimono, Lee is sporting a kurta, and Casey is rocking leiderhosen. Poor Big Mike is in a t-shirt and jeans. No dashiki? Come the frak on. He did most of the driving. Did he call all of you Miss Daisy when carting your asses around the world?

It is now time for the Homecoming Montage, because the lucky sons of bitches who survive tonight’s cut will be whisked away via private jet to their respective hometowns, where they will return to their high school gymnasiums and play a few songs on their guitars. They will receive keys to the city and maybe get a day named after them. If they are from one of the more inconsequential 50 states, they will even get to meet the governor.

OH MY FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER! NO WAY! This guy LED OFF the montage?

This is the part where I always beg to see Eliott Yamin’s mother. And every year, I take a photo of Mama Yamin. Just because I can.

I am reminded how much I disliked Danny Gokey. I am reminded how much I really liked Bo Bice. I am thankful we did not have to see the face of that nasty blond troll kid who came in second during that one season. I am shocked that one guy from last year who led off the montage was also allowed to speak again and close out the montage.

In an attempt to prey on audience emotion, the contestants’ family/friends are now seated in the cushioned area. Whatever. Bybee James is not there. It is not a party without Bybee James because no one else can down Franzia & Hawaiian Punch spritzers with such zeal.

Only 17 minutes into an hour-long show is not the time to be promising results, but Seacrest proceeds. Big Mike’s enthusiasm for all things American Idol is as evident as his love for wallet chains. DeWheezy had never seen Once until Bowersox made him watch it a few weeks ago. This is not shocking. But I am soon filled with mirth as Seacrest calls the first contestant to safety. Goats everywhere rejoice.

It is now time for a commercial break, followed by Daughtry. Michael Lynche has been shot and is bleeding out. He feels it getting colder as the life slips from his body. The others are telling him to hold on, that help is coming. But everyone knows their comrade has fallen and will not return to battle, yet they cannot convince Father Seacrest to perform the last rites.

I feel really bad for Big Mike right now, and Daughtry performing a song that sounds like every other Daughtry song is not helping, neither does his band’s tiny emo penis vibe, nor does the digitized tattoo art on the big screen. Daughtry says some encouraging things. Randy talks like a fool. Seacrest does whatever Seacrest does…when the show returns, more of the same. The lights are dimmed. Big Mike is still bleeding out and the medics have yet to arrive. The medics aren’t coming, but Big Mike essentially tells everyone to be brave and talks about the future.

Seacrest toys with Big Mike by calling him first, then instructs him to hang tight before informing DeWheezy that he’s headed back to Chicago. The remaining frau bait will be traveling home on private jets to wave to the masses and receive keys to their towns and sign puffy-painted t-shirts made on kitchen tables. Big Mike knows death is coming for him while DeWheezy wavers between sobbing and smugness.

Big Mike (& Crystal) await their fates, but Seacrest does not care. He brings out Bon Jovi. No offense to Bon Jovi’s “cross-generational” success, but tonight’s show has taken way too long and it’s too difficult to watch Big Mike slip through life’s cracks while Father Seacrest keeps chatting up the alter boys as the cheesy-yet-affable captain fades from this earth. By the time Father Seacrest delivers the last rites, Big Mike has accepted his fate. Like everyone watching, he just wants to be put out of his misery.

His wife cries, as good wives do when the father of their child dies in battle. But deep down, she knew, which is why she slipped the black flower over the strap of her sequined tank top. She sobs quietly and clutches their baby, her tears capturing the bright stage lights just as her hopeful glitter eye shadow did only an hour before.

This infant’s tears were brought to you by the Ford Motor Company, the Coca-Cola Company, AT&T and iTunes.

BTW. GO GO GO GOAT! Goat your ass off next week to insure Casey James makes the Final 2. Support Our Beloved Goat!