You are tearing me apart, Idol! Idol Gives Back and sends its Angel home

Tonight is Idol Gives Back. Not only will American Idol send back one contestant to where they came from, it is also the night when you will be inundated with images of malaria, HIV, earthquakes, et al. Tonight is Idol Gives Back, or the night when all human hardship used to promote The Rapture is used to promote American Idol countless charities that need your help.

You are only watching this for one or more of the following reasons:

1. Annie Lennox
2. You want to see who gets voted off
3. This is the only thing you will watch this year in order to contemplate the fragility of humanity, although you believe you do this on a regular basis through Access Hollywood and Glee.
4. Annie Lennox
5. A former contestant you really liked is shown singing to adorable African children.
6. Annie Lennox
7. All of the above

I came into tonight’s shit show late, already knowing two of three contestants in the Bottom 3. Because I have Twitter on my phone and because I really don’t care all that much. (I also totally called this week’s bottom of the barrel last night, but who thought it would have gone down any other way?) As with every Idol Gives Back, all the contestants are outfitted in their virginal best — all white! Yes. They look like cult members. We know this much is true.

The show kicks off innocently enough with President and First Lady Obama talking about the virtues of Idol Gives Back. Barack Obama kind of quotes Randy Jackson. This is the only time I’ve seen Randy Jackson affectionately mentioned by a proud African-American man, but tonight is all about charity, so…

All of the Idols are back tonight. Well, the Top 12, at least. Including people you forgot like Lacey Brown and Drunki Benami. Whoa. And Paige Miles. I totally forgot she even made the Top 12. The kiddies sing Keeping the Dream Alive, which basically serves to showcase a Crystal Bowersox solo. For some reason, the entire production reminds me of I’ll Be Your Girl For All Seasons from the classic musical Grease 2!

Idol Gives Back seems to always kick the charitable aspect off with a respectable, comely actress named Jennifer. Last time, Connelly. This year, Garner. Jennifer Garner travels home to (West) Virginia for Save the Children. (If you want to watch something both extraordinary and heartwrenching about illiteracy and poverty in the Southern United States, find a copy of LaLee’s Kin and watch it immediately.)

Victoria Beckham spent three days in Kentucky. This is more of a WTF than Kara DioGuardi going to Angola. I kid, I kid. For some reason, I actually LIKE Posh Spice. It’s unbelievable, right? I just can’t help it. But really, I would love to have watched more footage of Victoria’s three days in Kentucky. Where is it? I don’t believe it. WHERE ARE THE TAPES?

Captain Sully Sullenberger obviously has better things to do than attend American Idol, which we could deduce from his appearance last night. One of America’s greatest aviation heroes wants you to know you can save millions of lives, whereas he only saved 155. This is because Captain Sully is one of the greatest human beings ever.

Lame, unnecessary bit with Jonah Hill and Russell Brand. They’re like the Generation Next version of Ben Stiller and Jack Black!

The Black Eyed Peas perform. Fast forward. Fergie wants to believe she looks like Barbarella. No honey, you look like a cougar version of Swamp Thing. The Black Eyed Peas have sunken to new lows. Rock Your Body, really? Let’s Get Retarded/Started and I Gotta Feeling are like T.S. Eliot in comparison. I really hope Rob Base is watching and puts a hit out on them for felonious sampling.

For Malaria No More, Ryan Seacrest went to Kenya. Or at least narrated a segment where we essentially watch a man grieve for his wife who pretty much dies on camera. And on that note…

After taking a commercial break from all the death, Idol returns to begin the killing off of another contestant. A predicable bit involving George Lopez winning the chance to host the results via an online donation is actually worthwhile because he makes a joke at Danny Gokey’s expense. Remind me to watch Lopez’s show on TBS a few times as a thank you, because anyone who makes fun of Danny Gokey deserves at least a little love. But wait…now we are judging the judges. Please send Kara DioGuardi home. Thank you. A girl can dream. You just showed a woman die and then brought out George Lopez. This is surreal in a David Lynch kind of way. Well, it was until Kara DioGuardi could again gloat in her cougarness and the fact she posed nude. If David Lynch had anything to do with this, a midget dressed as Toucan Sam with a nitrous balloon would have come out and serenaded her with Ring Around the Rosie.

Casey James and Aaron Kelly, you might also die tonight.

Tonight’s Ford Commercial…because you really wanted to watch it (again):

I Put A Spell On You may be one of my Top 10 favorite songs. Jeff Beck & Joss Stone’s rendition is actually worth downloading. It almost makes up for the fact David Duchovny only gets to say about three words while the Imp of Hades Justin Bieber and Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi do the majority of the talking. Kara’s voice makes me NOT want to help people. This is not good when the goal is raising money for charitable endeavors.

Morgan Freeman and Randy Jackson are allegedly good friends. Get out. Randy keeps stroking Morgan Freeman’s back, but hell, if you got to hang out with Morgan Freeman, you might do that, too. Charlie Danage is a burn victim in Mississippi. I kind of want to send him money directly, or edit his college essays or something.

Alicia Keys is absolutely stunning. But this song sucks. She’s also a bit pitchy and the swaybots aren’t even sure how to clap for this I’m Ready song which uh, really never gets off the ground. But Michael Lynche loves it. He’s grooving. But no one else is really happy, so Alicia must take to the piano for a little Empire State of Mind. Her voice is shockingly off this evening. But hey, she’s not using vocal tracks, right?

I’m not sure how much more I can do of this…I hear Carrie Underwood needs to eat a sandwich and has suspicious furry arms. Jesus take the fraking wheel and drive her through Taco Bell. Oh well. Tatiana del Toro and Octomom are there in Jonah Hill and Russell Brand’s “call center.” They’re sitting in the same vicinity as Slash. And then Jim Carrey shows up looking a lot like Anton Chigurh. What the hell am I watching?

No really. I’m done. And Carrie Underwood is furry.

David Cook’s segment on his trip to Ethiopia is poignant and moving, but nothing can ever top Annie Lennox on Idol Gives Back. A rare celebrity whose devotion to ridding the world of HIV/AIDS is evident every time you see her face, even the most jaded of cynics can see she’s not doing this for the photo op. She cares. And this is what she does when the cameras are not following her. If you aren’t in tears by the time Annie is halfway through Universal Child via satellite from London (Seriously, couldn’t Queen Latifiah or Seacrest at least attempted to pronounce Eyjafjallajokull rather than just using the whole Icelandic volcano cop out?), you have no heart and might be a sociopath.

Dear Idol — I never have to hear Elton John sing Your Song ever again. Ever.

But hey, this is for charity, right? So that’s a GOOD thing. Even if the contestants look really stupid in all white.

Tonight’s Bottom 3 might be the Bee Gees. I’m not sure. But Maurice Gibb Aaron Kelly is sent to safety! I can’t believe the kid hasn’t crapped his pants yet with week after week of close calls.

It is down to Casey James and Tim Urban. Sadly, tonight we must say goodbye to this season’s most beloved contestant, our Little Engine That Could, the Twinkling Patron Saint of Homeschooling & Squirrels, the GUY WHO NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE — Tim Urban.

YOU ARE TEARING ME APART, IDOL!!!

Timmeh didn’t even get a swan song. Elliott Yamin was also not allowed to speak and there was no mention of Kris Allen in Haiti with the United Foundation. This shit show also ran over by about 30 minutes. Go give yourself a handy, Idol. Because I’m not gonna give you one tonight.

Go buy some mosquito nets.

NEXT WEEK’S THEME: Shania Twain. Yup. Shania Twain. This cannot be good. If anyone sings Still the One, they should be immediately booted. Who would sing this…hmmm…? I’m looking at you, Magnus. Or Lynche.