Somewhere plastic butterflies are sobbing: AI9 Top 6 Elimination Recap

Tonight’s most likely unclimactic American Idol results show features a bevvy of performers, going even more heavy on the filler than usual. And while Shania Twain is nowhere to be found this evening, someone who sang a Shania song will be going home. Obviously.

Randy Jackson is wearing washed red velour and snot is hanging from Kara DioGuardi’s ears. Do you mind if I just put this out there? I don’t mean it offensively, I swear. Rascal Flatts, you see, I always thought that was the name of the guy singing, so I’m gonna keep it that way. Rascal Flatts looks like the stereotypical stout lesbian most people assume all lesbians look like. Like Chaz Bono before surgery.

The entire lot of these Rascal Flatts people look like douchebags. One has a frosted combover not unlike the one formerly worn by David Cook until he bought a clue. Rascal doesn’t even sound good. He also makes facial expressions like the crazy guy I always end up sitting next to on the bus. All of the Flatt People look as if they go shopping with Randy Jackson, even the “invisible” one of the group, who sort of seems like he could be okay because he reminds me of Harry Crane, if Harry Crane were transported from 1960s Madison Avenue to some inexplicably pop-country crap band in Nashville in 2010.

Because it is difficult to imagine any of the contestants from Season 9 actually liking one another, Seacrest tells us there’s special behind-the-scene footage from this week’s lame Ford Commercial — its about vampires — showing the palpable closeness of these fine young cannibals individuals.

Aaron Kelly says he’s never been a vampire before. No fraking way! I swear I’ve seen this before…on America’s Next Top Model. Apparently, All the Idols are going to eat Michael Lynche, obviously because he’s the only one big enough to feed six. It’s also incomprehensible those contact lenses were comfortable enough to take a nap in.

In this Ford Commercial, set to that Believe song that isn’t by Cher, Big Mike just wants to go home and eat his large pizza — topped with garlic cloves galore — but he ends up in some vampire-infested woodland. His extra garlic pizza saves him! Yeah…probably not gonna happen tonight. Next up is footage from when everyone met the director of Shrek Forever After and got to see if they could voice Seacrest’s role better than Seacrest. Siobhan sounds like Yoda. Crystal doesn’t erally change up her voice, but all-in-all, no one is really bad at making funny voices — even if this cross-promotional Seacrest circle jerk is more than a bit lame.

Look! Lee and Siobhan are sitting by each other! But they’re not holding hands! Lee is the only one too cool to wear his Shrek ears properly.

Big Mike is so game, he doesn’t take his ears off…even after the show. He also uses this time to kiss ass to Seacrest. Or poke fun at the little man. It’s kind of all the same thing.

Cameron Diaz and Antonio Banderas are there. Antonio is cool because he voices the character inspired by Oskar, even if we’re not making any money off of it. Grrrr. A bit off topic, but this show is so damn bloated already, how could Antonio Banderas be married to Melanie Griffith? Once his everyday English fluency increased after moving to the states, why didn’t he get a divorce? How very, very strange.

Because there are only six contestants left, Seacrest gets to do his little, let’s divide up the groups on either side of the stage bullshit. Siobhan goes to the left, Aaron to the center — but not before Randy gets to say wheelhouse and in his element — and then Big Mike is up to bat. Simon makes a homoerotic dig at Seacrest, Mike goes to stage right.

Lee gets to go stand by his supposed girlfriend (apparently, the LA Times’ Idoltracker is responsible for shipping such crap) and looks a bit like an arm wrestling dwarf when doing so…

Now Casey is up, so let’s flash to Kara — she called him vulnerable and raw, you see. And even when silent, its still so obvious why she is and always will be dubbed Shit-For-Brains.

I still think Casey and Crystal could be the Final 2 — unless he is shock eliminated tonight like the knotted-hair sleaze of Season 5, Constantine Maroulis. Crystal goes to the center alongside Aaron. They will obviously be the first ones called to safety. Actually, Ryan first sends Siobhan to the Bottom 3.

Of course Siobhan will be the first one sent to the sofa of this trio, and in a way, I’m kind of sad. Casey James should be garnering more votes from those batshit crazy menopausal women. Much more so over Lee DeWyze, who is incapable of singing in tune. He’s actually conventionally handsome, too! But if we’ve learned anything from Idol, put a toad up on stage and the crazies swarm like vultures [to a super hot corpse].

Ok, color me strangely excited, but Harry Connick, Jr. as a mentor? Sinatra songs? Yay. To think, it was this time last year, I attended the Top 5 rehearsal for Standards Week.

Carrie Underwood. Put a muzzle on it. One just wonders why you’re so chatty… And who the frak brought the emo vampire country group? Jesus christ. Who brought Zombie Tiny Tim?

Perhaps I would like this group if I heard them before actually SEEING them? I hope they are successful enough to buy collectors’ editions of the Twilight series whenever the mood strikes.

After the commercial, those Lady Antebellum people show up. They are also trying to look a bit like emo vampires, but emo vampires on Snooki’s tanning regimen. Or maybe emo vampire peacocks. Their song isn’t bad, but they still remind me of The Corrs. And the lead singer dude might be attempting to connect with his music a bit too much.

And it is time to fast forward once again, to the part which makes absolutely no sense. Shakira. And Rascal Flatts. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shakira. In fact, I firmly believe its nearly impossible to hate Shakira. Shakira is all about the fusing of genres, but this is just a bit odd. As she sing Gypsy, she is flanked on either side by a barefoot solo flamenco dancer. She is also totally doing her Tracy Anderson arm exercises. It was almost okay, really, until that douchebag wannabe stout lesbian came back out. Did he even…sing?

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for. WTF? No, really…WTF? BIG MIKE IS SAFE? Jesus fuck. If Casey goes home, Kara is going to try and recapture Paula’s famous crying-for-Constantine moment!

But in all actuality, Casey does not deserve to be in the Bottom 2. He was this week’s top contestant, turning in the most arguably “memorable” performance of the entire show. Jesus fuck. Why do those old women love Lee DeWyze so damn much? Casey James needs more frauen!

A construction worker and a glass blower…

Ugh…YAY! Ok. I’m sorry, VFTW. You know I love you, but…it’s rather awesome to see her go. Maybe because oh, she screeched too damn much. Oh, and, IT’S A GIRL’S YEAR. And maybe I’m going soft and just wanted Casey James to not become Constantine Maroulis 2.0, at least not this week. But no, for reals…Siobhan is gone? And Mike Lynche is safe?

Sorry Siobhan’s family. Catch ya this summer down on the Cape. Don’t look so shocked. Every week, you know, they send someone home.

Plus, Casey James’ momma is so much more entertaining. Even her eyelashes are tipped in glitter!

To Siobhan’s credit, she looks like someone I would enjoy hanging out with on occasion and she looked beautiful tonight. Gorgeous dress, great hair. But hey, she screeches.

Lee DeWyze is not a happy camper. But you guys still have the TOUR! You can shack up on a cozy bus all summer long!

I’m actually kind of in love with Siobhan’s dress. It’s her best dress since that Marc Jacobs-y little black number from the semifinals. Yeah…I’m talking about fashion more than singing this season, aren’t I?

(And just how many little sisters does she have? ) Siobhan says goodbye by bringing back Think. We also saw a closeup of her sister’s breast Vote for Siobhan pin. Obviously, there’s only one way for Siobhan to say adieu.

This is the most drawn-out contestant goodbye of all time. Since when do they let them come down to the judges’ table and HUG? Is it over yet?

Finally. Do you agree with tonight’s elimination or suspect TBTB are just trying to shake things up on Idol’s worst season ever? Do you think Lee and Siobhan are rubbing uglies? Actually. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to hear any of that shipping nonsense. And are you kind of, just a teensy little bit, looking forward to next week with Harry Connick, Jr. and Frank Sinatra’s ghost? Will Lee DeWyze turn Lady is a Tramp into one of Hinder or Nickelback’s finest?