Shock me like an (excruciatingly long) hurricane: AI9 Top 9 Results Show Recap

The last thing I want to do right now is watch tonight’s American Idol results show. It may be the longest hour of the week. And look at the filler tonight! David Archuleta…Rhianna…Jason Derulo. Seriously. Try to play Marry Screw Kill with that threesome.

Tonight, Ryan promises SHOCKING results. Shock me, Ryan. Shock me. Ryan won’t shut up about the shocking results. This is probably complete bullshit, much like Kara DioGuardi’s Flying Spaghetti Monster-awful look tonight. To quote my mother when faced with such abject horror — I wouldn’t wear that to a dog fight. Why on earth is she wearing Padme Amidala’s hand-me-downs?

Extreme Idol Gives Back pimping has begun. The judges and Seacrest are all donating shit that’s taking up room in their rich people’s closets.

GROUP SING HORROR

Leading with Lee…then Big Mike…then Aaron…followed by Timmeh Cheekbones who they have hanging from the shoddy balcony. Danger! Danger! What if he falls?

Then Andrew Garcia and Casey James. Then the girls emerge from nowhere, all wearing black & white mod attire. They are led by Smug Teen Witch Katie Stevens. Jodie Foster did the whole teenage whore thing much better in Taxi Driver. Smug Teen Witch is loathesome. She also learned her stage technique from watching Sarah Palin speeches, winking like she’s in fraking Wasilla.

Bowersox is adorable walking awkwardly as she lip syncs her part in this atrocious Beatles medley. But this, not this is the scene for the ages. The next time I am sad, I will pick myself up again by staring at this lovely image.

(BTW. Siobhan. Over her. Totally over her.)

Half of the Beatles are dead. I wouldn’t be surprised if the other half offed themselves after watching this shit. I so hope Paul and Ringo are sleeping right now. They don’t need to see this fuckery. Hell, neither does Yoko Ono.

After that shit, we’re still forced to watch a lame Ford commercial about singing a song with no melody. Oh, how apropos! There is also a kaleidoscope. Smut Teen Witch is dressed like a pregnant 15-year-old.

Let’s activate the results? WTF do we need to activate? Are the Wonder Twins somewhere under a cloak of invisibility?

Seacrest starts with Siobhan. She is forced to go to the center of the stage, but no word if she is in the Bottom 3. It is also important to note she is wearing white jeans with Buddha on the thigh.

Crystal then joins Siobhan in the middle of the stage. Then its Smug Teen Witch’s turn to stand. Once again, she is wearing all of the clothes her mommy left in the bag for Goodwill. She is also wearing a t-shirt featuring all the lyrics to Let It Be. I am waiting for her pleather blazer to burst open to reveal more of this lame ass t-shirt, which might even be more groan-inducing than when David Cook Sharpied Give Back on his hand during Season 7′s Idol Gives Back. Seacrest asks her why she connected to the song. Smug Teen Witch says its was dedicated to her senile grandmother.

Seacrest asks Randy if he thinks any of these girls could be going home tonight. He says NO WAY, THESE GIRLS ARE HOT. See, they’re still trying to make everyone believe its a girl’s year. And Randy continues to skip his vocabulary building lessons on a daily basis. I have an brilliant idea! On the next results show, to make things a bit more interesting, Seacrest should administer the SAT vocab section to Randy during the first half of the show and then release the score at the end of the hour.

Sadly, if any of them were to be sent home, they would be saved. Crystal is safe. Duh. Then both the girls are sent back to the sofas. Boooooo! Smug Teen Witch and Siobhan could both go home and I would be happy. Wait. I did want to see Siobhan screech her way into trainwreck territory after she hangs out with Adam Lambert next week.

That was the most drawn out bullshit EVER. To think, we still have to endure Archuleta, Rhianna and that Jason Derulo asshat before anything fraking happens on this shit show.

When we return from the commercial break, Seacrest is sitting next to the (safe!) girls on the top row. Siobhan and Bowersox are both sitting as far away from Smug Teen Witch as humanly possible. When Seacrest announces Adam Lambert is next week’s mentor, Smug Teen Witch acts all excited. Siobhan smiles in such a forced, other-worldly WTF way, WTF am I doing here, I almost want to like her again. Bowersox can hardly hide her disappointment at having Adam Lambert mentor her AND being forced to live under the same roof as Smug Teen Witch for at least one more week.

Jason Derulo. He was signed by Shit-For-Brains. This explains everything. This guy isn’t even a one hit wonder. He’s a one hit I wouldn’t wipe my ass with this shit at a Porta-Potty at Burning Man at 2am when the toilet paper is all gone. Granted, this In My Head song is better than the Imogen Heap/The O.C. OMG SHE SHOT HIM song he ripped off. He is also wearing spikes on his shoulder. How much do you want to bet Adam Lambert’s herd of psychotic sparkle cows are already attributing Derulo’s fashion choices to their lord & savior? Hmmm…I would rather point out how he ganked all of Michael Jackson’s dance moves without even putting his own spin or finesse on them.

Derulo’s performance features stop-action camera work in black & white. Its a little disconcerting on the Idol stage. I guess last week’s seizure-inducing Dirty Diddy Money-ness was not enough for the Idol producers, who clearly hate epileptics. Derulo gets some props, though, he gives a fairly high energy performance. I think he lip synced. Seacrest allows Shit-For-Brains to talk. All you need to know is that she takes credit for all of it.

Yawn. I’m going to get a snack. You want anything?

Nope. No Bottom 3 just yet. Here is David Archuleta sitting at the baby grand, partying like its March 2008. Archie seems like a sweet kid, he really does. I have nothing against the guy. I feel bad he got stuck with shit parents and was forced to go on Star Search. He sometimes shows a predilection towards dry wit when giving interviews.

But essentially, I hate his music. Sorry, Archie. You just ain’t my style. Fast forwarding…Seacrest may as well have tea with the kid because he’s doing nothing to speed this shit show up. Amazingly, there is no commercial break!

Lee DeWyze is asked to stand up first. Seacrest asks him something. He babbles on about confidence, talks in circles. Randy calls him baby and tells him to own it. Seacrest sends him to the far side of the stage. Really. This does not make things interesting.

Michael Lynche is next. I really just want to see him next to Michael Clarke Duncan. Lynche is asked to go to the other side of the stage. Casey James is next. He is sent to stand with Lee. Oh interesting. If that’s how it goes down. Lee looks like he’s gonna puke, as per usual.

Tweenage Edward Norton Puppydog Aaron Kelly is next. I just can’t hate on this kid. I’m going soft. I know, I know. Aaron is told to stand next to Big Mike.

Then its Timmeh’s turn! Timmeh! Timmy! HE IS ASKED TO JOIN LEE AND CASEY! Is this supposed to be super obvious? Andrew is last. He will obviously be sent to stand with Aaron and Big Mike. It’s simple match.

Uh, yeah. Bottom 3 is obvious. But you know what this means?? TIMMEH IS SAFE! TIMMEH IS SAFE! My 50 votes mattered! Seacrest asks Ellen which group she thinks it is, this is never a good idea, because Ellen does not like to send anyone home.

Something dawned upon me a moment ago. I will not be content unless I see Lee DeWyze puke on stage. No, I’m not some sicko fetishist. I just want to see the dude puke. It would be more amusing than watching the other poor saps vomit, mainly because they don’t look nauseous all the time.

Whoa. Aaron Kelly is sent to safety. Dude. Are children actually voting this year? Big Mike vs. El Vez Garcia! If El Vez goes home, maybe Lee will puke.

Fast forwarding through Rhianna. Am I the only one who is completely over her voice? I think it is more important to note here that the competition’s last remaining minority contestants received the least amount of votes this week. IDOL IS RACIST!

Pre-taped Rhianna saunters down the stairs in head-to-tow black latex. Yawn. Rhianna so needs to stop ripping off Adam Lambert!

(Note to both Rhianna, Adam Lambert, Lady Gaga every other day of the week, that grimy Ke$ha chick, wait, she doesn’t count — anyway, Grace Jones did it better and always will.)

In case you were wondering, that is NOT Crystal Bowersox wielding a DeWalt sander.

After Rhianna keeps trying to brainwash us into believe she’s a Rockstar (she can pretend to play an electric guitar really well).

Finally…WTF? Dude. I kind of thought this is how it might go down. Andrew Garcia is safe.

Oh man. I feel sorry for Big Mike now. This show often plays on my heartstrings. Jesus christ. They show his sobbing wife…repeatedly. They show Bowersox sobbing…repeatedly.

Big Mike smartly sings This Woman’s Work. This actually could throw a wrench in the judges’ carefully crafted plans. They may have to pull out the bullshit save now. Will they do it? Will they do it if it means they can’t save their precious Siobhan or Smug Teen Witch?

Randy is shaking his head. Dumbfuck. Kara DioGuardi is playing all dramatic and confused. Of course, the judges were all actually listening this time around, so…

All is well! Big Mike is…SAVED. Homeboy lives to survive another week (well, actually two b/c no one is ever cruel enough to send them out the next week). And this means, two contestants will go home next week. More importantly, it means the judges can save no one else.

So when Smug Teen Witch is sent packing, no one can do a damned thing about it.

Wow. Think about how much better this episode could have been had they just done this all within the first 15 minutes.

Are you happy with the judges using their save on nice guy Michael Lynche? Who do you think will be the two contestants sent home next week? Or do you think they will send everyone home and declare Adam Lambert the champion of Season 9?

In honor of tonight’s judge’s save, let’s watch another memorable save of sorts.