Only Fools Rush In: AI 9 Top 9 Elvis Week Recap

Photo courtesy of Cirque du Soleil (Twitter -- @cirque)

It’s the American Idol you’ve all been waiting for! Elvis! Adam Lambert!

It only makes sense that on tonight, of all evenings, I would be stricken with some sort of deathly cough/cold. Its a shame I don’t have any prescription-strength medicine to numb all the pain.

Ryan Seacrest says it was only natural to ask Adam Lambert back to mentor, since Elvis was one of the greatest performers to grace any stage and well, Adam Lambert was one of their favorite performers on the Idol stage. Lambert only gets some credit for admitting he’s only in the beginning of his career, but then I think back to the interview with Lambert in Spinner I read before tonight’s show and remember how he may really be a narcissistic ass clown.

Stop saying Elvis is a showman. Should I take a shot of Robotussin every time he says showman.

My tongue isn’t nearly as talented as yours.

And Seacrest just goes there yet again this season. Its like when they screw with Ron Burgundy’s teleprompter, isn’t it? Then again, its nothing compared to Kara DioGuardi attempting to prove she’s something before the big 4-0 by posing nude. (Although going nude in women’s magazines really doesn’t count, but why miss a chance to bash that Kara?)

I actually love the song Tim’s doing, I Can’t Help Falling In Love.

Dude. It’s called Can’t Help Falling in Love. Ok. It’s one word/letter, but…If Elvis is one of your favorite artists, at least get the names of his songs right. (Ok. Ok. I’ll go a bit easier on the guy. I can’t help it his batshit crazy fans drive me nuts.)

Crystal Bowersox
Saved

This will likely be the only time Crystal goes first this season. Naturally, she’s going back to her gospel-blues roots. But she’s got an…ELECTRIC guitar! Adam’s sage advice is to let down her dreads.

Crystal is still wearing the feather — one of fallen comrade Lilly Scott’s earrings. Crystal is great, of course, all the way-too-loud backup singers wish they were Crystal. Crystal is great. But I knew she would be great. And I knew she would do an Elvis gospel song. Randy calls her the second coming of Bonnie Raitt. Homey, please. Granted, I don’t like Bonnie Raitt because I’m only familiar with her adult contemporary shit from the 1990s that’s been done to death on this shit show, but whatever. You can’t listen to a man wearing a cardigan punctuated by variously-sized happy faces. The judges really have nothing interesting or new to say. Kara is wearing camoflage and failed to run a brush through her hair in an obvious effort to have “bed head.” Honky please.

I adore Crystal, but I look forward to her performances on the show only because I know she’s not going to suck, not because I can’t wait to see what she does next. This may be both a good and a bad thing. By the way, I realized something today. It’s a good thing Crystal was not name Crystal Beth Bowersox, because having one’s name be Crystal Beth would totally suck.

Andrew Garcia
Hound Dog

Further fueling the fact the show is oh-so-over Andrew Garcia, the beaten, battered and bewildered El Vez-wannabe is going second. He’s also doing Hound Dog. Why oh why did he not take my advice and do In The Ghetto? Bye bye, Andrew Garcia.

It’s boring. I was bored. I’m going to be totally honest with you. I know I can be straight up with you.

Adam Lambert gets points for calling him boring. But did he tell him he could be straight up with him on purpose? Is Hound Dog anything but boring? Lambert makes Garcia change it up, or so we’re led to believe. I don’t know if its really changed up, but its the first time I’ve actually been forced to listen to the lyrics of Hound Dog. Garcia really only slowed it down, rather than changing it up. The result borders on shrill.

Randy tells him he was bad karaoke because they producers told him Andrew was going home this week. This is Ellen’s cue to say she likes it. Camo Kara says he dragged the mic around. Simon says all of his coolness has been sucked out of him. Garcia’s family (i.e., those holding the giant cardboard glasses and the posterboard with giant glasses drawn on it)are not pleased.

Ellen may be the only judge to survive the gang hit put out tonight. She was a smart woman. But why Andrew didn’t attempt something like Always On My Mind, It’s Now or Never, or Hawaiian Wedding Song over Hound Dog is enough for me to easily say its his time to go this week.

Tim Urban
Can’t Help Falling In Love

American Idol also wants to get rid of Tim Urban. They have for three weeks. This is why he is going third. Perhaps luckily for Tim, Adam Lambert seems to just adore him! He likes his voice and guitar! Maybe Lambert knows if he gets his batshit crazy Glamberts to vote for Tim, he will easily sail through this difficult double-elimination week. Maybe he wants to make whoopee with Tim Urban, who knows. But if Adam Lambert helps TURBAN stay in the competition, more power to him.

Magic happens, bitches. Magic. Tim Urban sounds…good? No. Like, this is the best his voice has EVER sounded. I actually kind of like the way he sounds tonight, and not just the idea of TIMMEH. And then Ryan Seacrest gets some dude from the audience up to dance with him! Our world has been turned upside down. All thanks to Adam Lambert and Tim Urban.

Sure, Teflon Timmy still looks like a deer in headlights when he attempts to convey emotion and it forces me to turn away, but I’ll be damned. TIM URBAN IS UNSTOPPABLE. Ellen compares him to tequila! It’s Shit-For-Brains’ favorite Tim performance ever! I will have go a step beyond her kind of right-on critique and say its the most relevant performance of the evening. She might have made a little sense, but she still looks like a roadwhore.

Even Simon creams all over Timmeh and says he’s gone from zero to hero.

(Oh, and Ryan Seacrest was dancing with Season 8′s Michael Sarver. In a godly way, of course.)

Adam Lambert loves you, Tim Urban. Magic, baby. Magic.

Lee DeWyze
A Little Less Conversation

Adam thinks Lee needs more going on in his face. Adam is beginning to remind me of Jay Manuel in a sense, and any help these people could use in the “stage presence” category. Sigh…will Lee listen? Wait. He kind of looks like he’s having fun up there. Is he smiling? He doesn’t look like he’s gonna puke this week. Damn. Oh well. He’ll be here for awhile…

Lee shouts the lyrics with good nature. Its not really out of tune, per se, but in this rendition, it almost appears as if it would be hard to go out of tune. It’s more throaty than melodic. Its a grungy & gritty barroom version of a song which came to prominence as a posthumous electro dance mix. But its fun, I guess.

The judges adore Lee, so it doesn’t really matter if he kinda sorta just phoned this one in. But Kara thinks he needs to be looser. Funny when such advice comes from one of the true dingleberries on humanity’s the music industry’s asscrack.

When Lee talks in his talking voice, he sounds a lot like Danny Gokey, except he’s not telling us how awesome he is or that he had a wife that died. Still, his talking voice freaks me out a bit because he sounds an awful lot like Gokey when he speaks.

Aaron Kelly
Blue Suede Shoes

Adam wants Aaron to growl more. In the opening verse, Aaron rushes it a bit, but he has seemed to infuse a little more grrrrr into it. How adorable! Its a puppy dog and he’s growling. He even attempts to break it down at the end, and it becomes more bluesy. But its kind of karaoke, but in reality, how can Blue Suede Shoes NOT be karaoke? Which isn’t bad, but Aaron is like, cute little puppy dog kid.

The poor thing looks frightened to death as soon as he finishes the last note. The judges have mixed feelings on his performance, and I am not understanding how Shit-For-Brains called him “younger.” I have to agree with Simon on this one, perhaps, because it definitely was not younger. But hell, Blue Suede Shoes can’t ever really be current, can it? And no matter what the stylists will have them believe, making a skinny teenage boy push up his jacket sleeves and pop his collar NEVER gives something a more youthful vibe. Just because that midget assclown Justin Bieber (aka The Moppet of Beelzebub / The Imp of Hades)

(Adam Lambert, guess what? You’re a lot more likable when you’re not trying to be an edgy asshat in random interviews. You’re really not a bad mentor, I guess. Except for the fact you’re kind of giving all the contestants the exact same advice. Not that they all couldn’t improve on their stage presence or anything, but you know, you could get a little more personal? More technical? But as of right now, I again feel sorry for you because you have all those batshit crazy fans. This too, shall pass, but I’m gonna go with it for now.)

Siobhan Magnus
Suspicious Minds

Siobhan thought she should dress like Elvis tonight. She’s also doing one of the greatest Elvis songs of all time. Adam thinks she sounds sleepy, so he tells her to speed it up. She’s oh-so excited to meet him because she’s been compared to him. He accepts this nicely, but come on people, its because they both screech shit.

Siobhan, when dressed in her street clothes, is endearing. When she adapts her personal style for the stage, it comes out all wrong. Its difficult to explain, perhaps, but when she goes from quirky girl to quirky “glam”, it just…it just fails.

Her rendition is rather dull, as she looks like a has-been singing somebody else’s song on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon. She’s 20, yet she’s dressed like she’s 50, even though she is wearing some Elvis by way of The Fifth Element-inspired shit. She goes into gospel mode to prepare for the penultimate screech. Oh, Siobhan. I’m sorry. I really, really, really want to like you. But your performances bore me to tears. It wasn’t current. It wasn’t young. It wasn’t relevant.

Randy sounds more scripted than usual. Next. The judges are basically telling her to start screaming again. More than anything, I want to cry because I am agreeing 100% with Kara DioGuardi. Agreeing with Simon is okay, though. He thinks she’s lost her way! Sweet. Sorry. I wish I could like you more Siobhan, I really, really, really wish I could.

In her defense, Siobhan tells them she has no idea who she is or what she wants to sing. Fabulous. I get it. I might buy her album if she wasn’t doing pop music on American Idol. But she’s not Rachel Yamagata. She’s screeching shit on American Idol.

Ryan Seacrest pimps some Idol Gives Back something or another, something about Exxon. And then he slams Brian Dunkelman. No one laughs. Seacrest, oh Seacrest. You really need to find out who is screwing with your teleprompter.

Michael Lynche
In The Ghetto

Adam Lambert feels Lynche needs a little more oomph, more theatrics, more storytelling, et al. He also thinks his voice is incredible and he should go very far in the competition. Lynche was not my choice to do one of my all-time favorite Elvis songs, In The Ghetto. It’s also not the wisest decision considering Lynche really needs to do something a bit more up tempo (Eleanor Rigby not included)

Its obvious what Lynche is trying to do, but I almost wish he would dial back on the “black dude doing R&B schtick.” He did not start out this way in the competition, which made him a bit interesting, perhaps. But there was nothing enthralling about the arrangement and it did not emit a singer-songwriter vibe from the dude sitting there with an acoustic guitar. The vocals? Solid. But Big Mike’s vocals are always on point. He’s just lost much of his way trying to become what the judges want. Seriously, dude. Do you want Ruben Studdard’s career?

The judges are pressed for time so they just tell him out great he was, albeit unenthusiastically. The accolades seem to rehearsed, too pat, almost too scripted. And besides Elvis, there’s only one person I want to hear sing In The Ghetto.

(Totally called the possible pimp spot(s), btw.)

Katie Stevens
Baby What You Want Me To Do?

Every week, Smug Teen Witch piles more accessories on in a concerted effort to conceal some of that stress-induced weight gain. Her outfit is pitiful. Her attempts at looking sexy are laughable. Everything about Smug Teen Witch is a joke.

Does she have a bad voice? Not necessarily, but its nothing special. Is she bland, unimaginative and pageanty? Duh. Is China part of Asia? Every week, Katie Stevens takes the stage desperately trying to be the second coming of Kelly Clarkson. Sadly, there’s no way in hell this is going to happen. The performance is dull, overly rehearsed and like every other thing we’ve ever seen before. She’s desperately trying to appeal to Simon at this point by adding a little twang to her voice, but this kid has no clue who she is as a person, let alone a singer. And every time she tries to show her youth, she comes out looking like a spoiled child playing dress up in Mommy’s closet. Smug Teen Witch is much like how I imagine Suri Cruise will be during puberty.

Randy likes it. Ellen thinks her performance was horny. Shit-For-Brains says something inconsequential. Simon calls her loud and annoying. YAY SIMON! Then the pompous adolescent has the audacity to admit she’s begging for votes as she pleads to the audience at home. Smug Teen Witch, please allow me to quote Elvis. You’re the devil in disguise.

(Ryan Seacrest might be on something tonight. Or he is having a Ron Burgundy-style meltdown. The dude may have lost it.)

Casey James
Lawdy, Miss Clawdy

One must hand it to Casey James for choosing a somewhat obscure songs each and every week. It’s working for him, as he lands in this week’s pimp spot. Casey’s Southern blues,jam band sensibilities are coming into their own at the right time on the Idol stage. Is he unlike anything you’ve ever seen before? Oh hell no, but neither is Crystal Bowersox. You could see either one of them (and Lee DeWyze) in a bar near your house (and a lot of shittier soundalikes, too) if you so desired. And these are the ones to beat at this stage in the competition.

It constantly amuses me that American Idol has been very clear on who they wanted to win Season 8, yet this season has been nothing about guitar-driven singer-songwriter pop rock. Anyway…Casey’s performance is not revelatory, but its solid. It’s both fun and boring! (No, Randy! Don’t use the word I used!) You can’t really challenge this guy for doing the same thing over and over again, when frankly, he is delivering similar performances week after week. If you’re going to tell him to move out of his comfort zone, than you should do the same for Ms. Bowersox.

While Adam Lambert didn’t really change the way the game is being played while offering his skills as a mentor, would anyone’s at this point? Has anyone’s ever done so? We only see a few minutes of what might only be a few minutes of uh, mentoring. If the goal was for the contestants to improve upon their stage presence, then we had a couple of winners. Lee DeWyze did not look nauseous. And Tim Urban revealed more confidence and talent than he had previously in the competition. If he survives this week, he may no longer be a running joke but a viable contender for the Idol crown.

Who do you think will be the two contestants eliminated this week? Ok. Allow me to rephrase that — who do you think will be sent packing alongside Andrew Garcia? Aaron Kelly may be in the most danger, but Tim Urban isn’t out of the woods yet. But let’s not forget Siobhan Magnus and Smug Teen Witch who both delivered sub-par performances this week. It may just be Katie Stevens’ time to return to her sleepy Connecticut town. You wouldn’t really want her to miss her prom now, would you?

Spread the word. Do it.