Cpt. Sully is the only beautiful & unique snowflake: AI9 Top 7 Recap

Why is there a cockatoo in tonight’s lineup? Where did Crystal Bowersox’s cleavage come from? So many questions that need to be answered! But there is one question which never has to be asked. Oh yes. Tonight’s American Idol is gonna inspire with titanic suckitude.

Casey James
Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

Casey begins and I pause the DVR because sometimes the sound goes all funky. Wait. Or is this that Geico ad with Peter Frampton?

This week’s mentor, Alicia Keys, likes Casey. That’s about all I remember from the mentoring session. Let’s start with the positive — Casey James is likely the best guitarist to ever vie for the Idol crown. But his vocals? Uh…Dude. He sounded like Peter Frampton using a voice box at times. Casey James was Casey James, the guy playing guitar and yelling into the mic at the bar down the street. Its unimaginative. Its unoriginal. Its utterly forgettable.

The judges tell him to step it up. Because Kara DioGuardi can never let anything go, she feels the need to invoke his Jealous Guy performance from two weeks ago. Shut your trap, Shit-For-Brains. You have never had a crew of faux-guitar wielding fans cheering you on from the audience? Yeah, I thought so. You don’t even have fans. Zip it. Simon wasn’t into it, either. When Ryan asks Casey if he expected such a critique, he smiled and said, of course. Casey is learning so much from Tim Urban, the Little Engine that Could.

Casey is also still a lot taller than Seacrest.

During the commercial break, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi tell us how to be more green. I feel the sudden urge to club a few hundred baby seals and fill up the Grand Canyon with used cooking oil and deep fry 10 Billion turkeys.

Lee DeWyze
The Boxer

The Simon & Garfunkel classic is a sentimental one for me, so really dude, don’t screw it up. Oh wait. That’s a lot to ask, this is American Idol. Lee gets a bit shouty in several parts, instantly taking me back to that Hinder shit he did during the semifinals. Dude. Don’t scream the li-li-lis. It wasn’t even close to Simon. Or Garfunkel’s third cousin, but it was good in it’s own little way. The orchestra wasn’t bad. The Swaybots should be shot. Lee’s vocal works with it, appropriately gritty in most parts, but stage presence-DeWyze (groan), this guy just needs to step it up. He is coming around, but there is still something slightly awkward, something shy about him which is not translating in the endearing awkward and shy kind of way. Its too timid. It’s hard not to get the impression that he’s holding back and still might blow chunks on stage if the conditions are favorable for puking.

Lee could win this whole damn thing, as it will likely be Crystal Bowersox and him in the finale, but while watching him, it was difficult not to wonder how David Cook would do it. And its difficult not to think of Lee DeWyze as an American Idol guitar-driven-power-pop-rock retread.

Did somebody say MURDER??

Seacrest IS right. A true American Idol IS in the house. It’s CAPTAIN SULLY! Don’t even tell me you wouldn’t hump that man’s leg if you had the chance. Because I would. And so would you. Don’t even fraking deny it.

Tim Urban
Better Days

Once again, the mentor must tell Tim Urban to feel the words. Sorry, Alicia, they don’t teach you that in homeschool. It’s an excellent song choice for Tim Urban, as the Goo Goo Dolls’ John Rzeznik isn’t necessarily the strongest of singers. At times, Timmy is a little pitchy, but the song is entirely in his range. The song itself is utterly forgettable and there are no standout moments. Timmy may be in danger of going home with a third-place performance slot and many people being aghast at his staying power.

Randy thinks the Goo Goo Dolls is a great band with an amazing singer. Shocking, ain’t it? Ellen describes him as the Soup of the Day — sometimes she likes him, sometimes she doesn’t. The judges feel an overall malaise for Timmeh. Essentially, they really, really want him to go home.

Aaron Kelly
I Believe I Can Fly

Another contestant many have believe has worn out his welcome is Aaron Kelly, who has a particular knack of selecting songs done at least 6000 times on the show. One of the most trecly ballads of all time, originally sung by a man who just wanted to piss on you, one wonders what this wholesome, sweet, alternative universe teenage Edward Norton lookalike can do with it that hasn’t been done before.

Vocally, Aaron’s I Believe I Can Fly is solid. Once he breaks through his timidness, he is spot on for at least 95% of the song. Randy is right about the arrangement — it sucked. But I Believe I Can Fly always sucks, so, you know…Simon is absolutely correct in his assessment that this is nothing anyone would want to hear on the radio, but that the vocals were good. He should basically just say it was good on American Idol.

Aaron has sung this song since he was five. Oh, to peek into his iTunes library.

Siobhan Magnus
When You Believe

Oh, Siobhan. I really want to like you. Your quirky Aspberger’s way would likely endear me to you if I happened to wander into that glassblowing place you work at on Cape Cod, or if I met you while waiting in line for a port-a-potty at Burning Man. But then you sing, and you make me hate you. Because you screech. And you trade in your alleged quirkiness and originality as soon as you hit the stage. For chrissake, you’re singing a dull Whitney Houston & Mariah Carey duet from a fraking Disney cartoon. Just because you look like a goddamned cockatoo carcus stuck in the grill of a Mack truck does not mean you are an edgy ingenue. A reader once quoted Fight Club in regards to you, and its a most spot-on assessment.

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Can’t we just get Captain Sully to stand up there and smile? Because I would vote for that shit. Siobhan’s vocals are fine, belting out those big notes left and right. Yawn. There is no soul. There is no emotions. And I want to fall asleep. Edward Gorey called and he wants his tattoo back. I don’t care how different your friends look from the rest of the people in the audience, you bore me to tears.

Sadly this is one of those performances where Kara DioGuardi says everything I was thinking. I hate her more on those rare occasions (like once an episode) where she makes complete sense and I actually want to high five her. Simon basically tells her those “leaves” make her look one of those Avatards who are probably already in line waiting to buy the Blu-Ray disc. After being met with essentially an across-the-board meh critique from the judges, Siobhan starts talking about how the song means so much to her and she wasn’t going to let Whitney and Mariah scare her away from doing it. Yeah, ok. Buh-bye now.

You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Michael Lynche
Hero

Michael Lynche is singing Nickelback. Nickelback. Yup, Nickelback. The band that makes Hoobastank look cutting edge. Big Mike thinks this song speaks to everyone, oh, and that it was also on some list of 200 songs he made in case he ever made it to American Idol. Alicia Keys, although exquisitely gorgeous with quite possibly the most beautiful skin of anyone I’ve ever seen, is sadly, a rather useless mentor. It would almost be beneficial to see longer cuts from their mentoring session?

Big Mike points at the audience a lot. Sure, his arrangement is different from the original. And he has sweaty pits. The last note is sudden, as the song never really built into much of anything. It would climb up into something, and then fall. It’s almost as if the majority of it is the chorus, but it doesn’t really get there. Was it good? It didn’t really do it for me, but it was refreshing to see this guy do something other than the cheesy lullabies.

Kara almost made sense again, however, she then went into Shit-For-Brains mode.

You don’t have the tone for that voice.

Huh? Guess it wasn’t Studio 57 enough for her. She then ends her critique with a very twat-like Sorry…ooops? Thank flying spaghetti monster. It feels so much better when I hate Kara DioGuardi.

(Commercial break. Jennifer Hudson is beautiful. Absolfuckinglutely gorgeous. That is all. Oh. And Glee should die. Thank you.)

Crystal Bowersox
People Get Ready

Crystal is the best, no doubt about it. But its a little irksome to see her in the pimp spot yet again, even if she is finally losing the safety net of her guitar. During her time with Keys, she tells her she’s just so thankful for everything in her life right now. I assume Ryan Seacrest is already claiming credit for this admission.

Crystal, who has traded in her guitar for deep cleavage and is obviously self-conscious about it, or perhaps its the lack of a guitar, as she has a difficult time not fussing with her neckline, or moving her other hand in time with the song. Yes, she is vocally perfect — she’s the most consistent performer of the bunch — until she seemingly breaks down as the song comes to a close. Literally breaks down…in tears…is Ms. Bowersox tiring of Idol? Of being the star of every Ryan Seacrest’s self-affirming Stuart Smalley stories? Did she just really like not showing cleavage? It is honestly beginning to look like this girl had no idea what she signed up for — she should have some excellent stories to tell when she’s finally out of her contract, whenever that could be. Looks like the poor thing realized she sold her soul to feed her kid.

But how cool is her mic stand? Siobhan should learn from Ms. Bowersox about the ways one can show they’re a bonafide, quasi-original snowflake in much more subtle ways.

I assume the judges will praise the frak out of her performance, but my DVR cut off, and nary an Ellen or a Randy had mentioned the crying. But hey, no one can argue it wasn’t the greatest amount of actual emotion we’ve seen infused into a performance this season.

Tonight’s performances are already forgotten, but here’s my stab at tomorrow’s Bottom 3:

Will be: Casey James, Tim Urban, Aaron Kelly
Should be: Casey James, Tim Urban, Siobhan Magnus

(Obviously, Timmy CANNOT go home. So go vote or something.)