Rocking the Onesies and Lithe Mullets: AI9 Top 20 (Guys)

Why do you see 10 guys on stage for this evening’s American Idol? Because Crystal Bowersox is sick. This makes me sad, but at least Ellen DeGeneres kicks things of by being her naturally funny self. And Kara DioGuardi looks like an idiot. As per usual. But this time, her hair is REALLY bad.

That’s what my hair looks like after hot yoga. I can’t believe someone actually DID it like that…on purpose. Nah, obviously, the hair & makeup person just hates her. Kudos to hair & makeup!

Michael Lynche
It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s Man’s World

Michael tells us he is big into musical theater. Football and musical theater. He can bench a shitload (505 lbs…or 3-4 Ryan Seacrests). And do bicep curls with Aaron Kelly.

I can’t hate on Michael Lynche. I don’t even think this guy is a douchebag-in-hiding. I’m also excited he’s doing a real life black guy’s music tonight. And not because he’s black. But just because I hate John Mayer and Maroon 5. Lynche’s vocals are pretty damn solid on this number, and I’m actively trying not to be distracted by the backup vocalists. This wasn’t a groundbreaking performance or anything, but it was pleasant. It was enjoyable.

Randy proclaims him an R&B star, because you know, he’s black. Ellen points out his variety of song choices. Kara spouts off some bullshit about him NOW having potential to be a great artist. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi using the word artist reminds me of when Dubya Bush would call himself a compassionate conservative. Kara’s not even fit to be a sandwich artist at Subway.

After the break, John Park takes on John Mayer….NOOOOOOOOOO. John Park, I want to like you soooo much. And you are failing me, dammit. Failing me.

(Hi Luke Wilson. Can you get back to me after I’ve had another drink? I’ll let you know I want to knock boots then. Ok, thanks.)

John Park
Gravity

English is his second language! He only started learning English when he was 10. I really want to like John Park. I love Asians! I love Asians on American Idol. So it is driving me nuts he’s doing John Mayer, who is one of the most useless pricks on the planet, and likely the entire universe.

I am beginning to wonder whether Park has a voice more suited for an a capella group than as a solo performer, a la The Office’s Andy Bernard. His performance was utterly dull. I suspect part of my feelings stem from my hatred of John Mayer, but it just did not work. The arrangement. The vocals. Meh.

Randy uses the word vibe twice in three seconds. Ellen spews some positivity. Shit-For-Brains spouts off a bunch of nonsense words which she could easily condense by saying do a non-ballad. Simon thinks he’s going to be sent packing.

Casey James
I Don’t Wanna Be

Casey James has never watched American Idol before, which is why he picked a shit song. (Bo Bice’s version is superior to the shit original, BTW) And since Casey James has never watched this shit show before, he has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA he is now going to be STALKED BY MENOPAUSAL LUNATICS.

Granted, James will be the first to perform this tired Gavin DeGraw song with an electric guitar. I will at least give him that one. And hey, I thought Allison Iraheta was an idiot to do Heart’s Alone until she opened her mouth. And to be fair, Casey’s version is good. He can definitely play the guitar, therefore, he will make it to next week. Oh, and because he’s decent looking. At some points during the song, I think he might lose his breath. Or he’s being intentionally breathless.

Gotta give the guy credit, though. That may be the most-involved shredding I’ve ever seen on Idol. (Sorry, David Cook)

Randy likens him to Hendrix. Oh, Randy. You are such a fool sometimes. Hendrix? Gavin DeGraw? Shit-for-Brains tries to play hard to get by saying he screwed things up with TOO MUCH LEAD GUITAR. Even though she loves that, you know. Bitch is playing hard to get. Simon “kind of agrees” with Kara and says he could see that in any bar. Sure you could. You should go to more bars. I was just impressed I got to see some lead guitar, I guess. Come on! This is American Idol. And we sit through the same damn thing every week. I would kill to watch someone pick their nose at this point.

Alex Lambert
Everybody Knows

Lambert didn’t cut his Florence Henderson mullet, even though I told him it would help him look more like Benjamin McKenzie and less like a goon. Alas. Only one Idol contestant ever took my telepathic advice. Not only do we learn Alex throws up before performing and football games, he also made up his own language at the age of 12. I suddenly love Alex Lambert. I so don’t want nerves to get the best of him. And if they do, I just want to see him blow chunks on stage.

Lambert’s a smart kid. He brought his guitar out for tonight’s festivities. I actually like this kid’s voice. I think if he keeps working with it, he could emerge like a butterfly from his Florence Henderson cocoon.

You know what I liked about your package? I have my own language, too, man!

Oh Randy. You could sing the phone book dawg is not a secret language. You’re just the only one who talks that way. We know what you’re saying. We just ignore you.

It’s like someone took the unripe banana and put it in the paper bag.

Oh Ellen. I’m beginning to wonder about you, Portia, and bananas. Simon thinks he’s good and needs a killer instincts. Interesting. He also says he wishes he could choose his songs from here on out. Alex Lambert, for some reason, reminds me of the kid Simon was pimping on that episode of The X-Factor I watched while in London (The one where Britney Spears lip synced badly not long after her comeback).

I like Alex Lambert. Yeah, I’m rooting for him. Even though Shit-For-Brains made me not want to since she gave her bullshit speech the screenwriters of Rudy would even cringe at.

Todrick Hall
What’s Love Gotta Do With It

He’s gonna bastardize one of my idols — TINA TURNER! Nooooo. I don’t want a scam artist singing Tina Turner. This so better not be Private Dancer. OH FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER KILL ME NOW. It’s some bullshit, uber-R&B-ed version of What’s Love Gotta Do With It. It even showcases the backup singers, although this time, they’re not bugging me as much as usual. Maybe because they add a bit of needed oomph for the first time in say, oh, all season.

Todrick, in his silver lame blazer, did not crucify Tina’s classic as badly as he did Kelly Clarkson’s Since You’ve Been Gone, but I find it hysterical Randy Jackson tells him to just sing something and not rearrange it. Sure, it was not good. Sure. It did not sound much like the original. So I guess there is something as rearranging too much? Perhaps. The song was quite dull and Tina would be pissed. Ellen gives it her normal positive spin. Kara tells him to go back to simple melodies. Simon wants him gone. He says things just aren’t working out.

(Assuming the black guys they don’t want to stick around very long are nestled in the middle of the show…Remember, kiddies. Idol is racist!

Jermaine Sellers
What’s Goin’ On?

Jermaine Sellers earned at least 10 points with me for rocking his onesie. I have long thought more people should embrace footy pajamas past childhood. He gets a few cool points for me.

I had no idea Jermaine had such a great personality. Where did this guy come from? Where was he before? Why are we just now seeing this beautiful side of Jermaine Sellers?

Sadly, I think Jermaine has been hanging out with Todrick too much, because the beginning of one of Marvin Gaye’s anthem to the horrors of injustice was nearly unrecognizable. And frankly, it just was not sung well. Too much overwrought vibrato. Nor is it when he gets into the melody. A few notes sounded painful, although the scatting was somewhat impressive. His hair was also styled a la Ed Grimley. Wait. He’s totally Dwayne Wayne.

The judges are all unimpressed. But Simon accepted Jermaine’s invitation to church. Jermaine thinks he was doing church singing. Simon thinks it is cabaret. Jermaine asks them what he should sing next week. Simon thinks he won’t be around next week. Jermaine says he knows god. Even though I regularly tithe to The Flying Spaghetti Monster (that’s what I call it when I buy booze), Jermaine is making me laugh my ass off. He can stick around. He is funny. And even if he goes home, I still want to see Simon and him in a church.

(Hmmm…Luke Wilson…maybe? I might. As long as you whisper sweet giggity giggitys and let me call you Quagmire.)

Andrew Garcia
Know My Heart

Without his guitar tonight, he impresses me less. The dude has soul, but I didn’t dig the R&B spin to James Morrison. Granted, I really do not know much James Morrison. I guess he is soul? I don’t know. I’m really bored right now. Sure, Andrew did a little break dancing. But he wasn’t rocking a onesie while getting his electric boogaloo on. WHAT THE HELL? I TOTALLY AGREE WITH RANDY JACKSON RIGHT NOW.

Garcia’s Straight Up did set the bar pretty high. It was pretty genius. (But aren’t there a lot just like him on YouTube?) His live performances? Meh. And when he does soul? I just see Danny Gokey. Even though this guy is like Gokey but with street cred and a better repertoire of hand signs. (Dude. He was a gang banger. He could contort a few fingers while telling people to vote for him and some mofo could get popped within the next 20 minutes.)

Aaron Kelly
My Girl

Aaron Kelly is into photography. He has a sweet SLR, so either its a prop or he actually knows a few things. I actually like hearing Idol contestants talk about such interests. It makes me like them more. For whatever reason, I find Aaron Kelly likable and endearing. As far as kids go, I never felt that way about say, David Archuleta. I don’t think I would ever buy an Aaron Kelly album, but I like the kid. Hating him would be like kicking a puppy.

I was a bit unsure of his song selection, but the country-fried rendition perfectly plays into the box the judges want him in (a male Taylor Swift?) while also satisfying the whole “age appropriate” thing, despite it being almost 50 years old.

Surprisingly, Ellen thinks he should have done another song. Ellen might be growing a pair, as she seems to be adapting to this new role with each episode…for the most part. We will just have to see. I understand she is there as the “positive” judge, she’s still no Paula Abdul.

Simon just compared him to Justin Bieber. THE MOPPET OF BEELZEBUB / IMP OF HADES? But I…I thought that was Tim Urban? Poor Aaron doesn’t even have time to grow his hair long enough into a length suitable for a douchebag blowout if he made it to the finale. Sure, the song was old-fashioned, but come on. You can’t really win. AND I NEVER WANT TO HEAR JUSTIN BIEBER’S NAME UTTERED ON THIS SHIT SHOW EVER AGAIN.

But bonus points to Aaron Kelly for despising The Moppet of Beelzebub. What a good kid.

Tim Urban
Come On Get Higher

Last week, Tim Urban said a prayer before singing Apologize. Yeah…the Flying Spaghetti Monster wasn’t listening, because you sucked. Although Apologize sucks, and perhaps Matt Nathanson’s little ditty will be a better fit for our erstwhile shirtless boy. Little girls will love his abs! And his Imp of Hades blowout! Maybe even his voice now that he’s wielding a guitar.

It is a vast improvement over last week, but it was a bit…off? A little too much in the backup vocals department, a lot of too much nothing everywhere else. But it was certainly not horrible. Randy didn’t get it. Ellen thinks he should act, because if he acted and sang, the singing would sound better. Like, if he were on Glee. Kara thinks he has moments, and other moments which suck. Simon, relishing the role of devil’s advocate, disagrees with everyone and calls him relevant. He champions him for taking last week’s scathing critique and using it to his advantage. He even talks about work ethic!

Of course Tim let out a sigh of relief. Simon is the only one people listen to, in one shape or form or another. Perhaps Simon is just trying to fool those watching into believing Tim Urban to be safe, and therefore not voting for him. Exactly!

All you have to do is talk. I think most people are pretty good at that.

Jesus christ. Honestly? Kris Allen is the only person who has ever made buying a Ford sound like a good idea.

Lee DeWyze
Lips of an Angel

Lee DeWyze was involved in bad stuff or something. I’m assuming he found Jesus. Not sure. Jesus should have told him not to sing one of the most god-awful songs I’ve heard in the past five years. Lips of an Angel is like Panic at the Disco’s I Write Sins Not Tragedies. At first, you think its going to be good. And then you listen to the words and realize its the stupidest, most insipid piece of shit you’ve ever had the displeasure of hearings. And then the song is just ruined. Even for any melodic strong points. It’s just garbage.

Thankfully, DeWyze slowed down Lips of an Angel into something more likable. Since it was a bit more subtle than the original, I did not cringe until we got to the chorus. It’s still one of the most stupid songs ever, with one of the gayest (in an 80s way) titles ever. Pitch problems? Meh. Doesn’t matter. He’s in the pimp spot and self-described cougars love him. Simon just declared him the male frontrunner. Shit-For-Brains kept throwing out the word commercial.

So what did you think? Better than last week, yes. Do you think Alex Lambert could be a dark horse? And how many frauen are already following Lee DeWyze and Casey James?

(Oh. And tomorrow night? Crystal Bowersox. Pimp spot.)