Oh yeah. It’s totally a girl’s year, isn’t it? AI9 Top 10 Results Show Recap

Tonight’s results show begins with a truly over-the-top tie-in for Clash of the Titans. Clash of the Titans is bound to be shit, like 300 or 10,000 BC or all of the above. Pearl Cream is making me see Clash of the Titans when he comes to town next week. Ordinarily I would say, no way, dude. No way. Let’s go see Hot Tub Time Machine. But I’m gonna let him have this one, mainly because I now know who Sam Worthington is and that he might be even better to look at as a non-paraplegic and I am curious as to what his chest looks like…not blue.

Ruben Studdard is performing some throwaway R&B number. There is nothing current or relevant about his performance, as I expect it to be played on Delilah-Love-Someone-Tonight’s syndicated nightly radio show. I never watched a single episode of Ruben’s season, but I like the guy. He has also mastered the art of SMIZING. Tyra Banks has nothing on the Velvet Teddy Bear!

Is Sam Worthington in the audience? Why has Ruben Studdard become a vegetarian? Naturally, Ruben needs to stand next to heir apparent, Michael Lynche, who is…wearing a ponytail? Like a My-Little-Ponytail?

WHY THE HELL IS RUBEN STUDDARD TOURING WITH CLAY AIKEN? Wow. How the not-that-mighty have fallen.

The Claymates will be happy.

Awww, look. Ryan made a funny.

FORD COMMERCIAL TIME — EVERYBODY WAS FAUX KUNG FU FIGHTING

The Top 10 borrowed some waiters’ uniforms and went out to film a Ford Commercial. I do not believe any of these people know kung fu.

I really do not want to make a Kim Jong Illin joke right now. HE IS EVEN WEARING RED! RED! Hello propaganda poster!

Casey is the “odd man out” of tonight’s Ford ad. He wore a t-shirt and drove off in the Ford. I think the moral of the story is to not fight with one another and drive away…in a Ford.

After the commercial, we learn Siobhan Magnus was behind Michael Lynche’s mystery My-Little-Ponytail. (And in case you cared, his wife likes it.)

Ryan goes through and asks the contestants what they felt about the judges’ critiques from last night. Mama Garcia is now wearing plaid! Mama Garcia will never be Mama Yamin, but the woman is now even beating Casey James’ mama as most fashionable Idol matriarch EVER.

To continue on with tonight’s Clash of the Titans promotion, the cast of the film got drunk at the London premiere and were forced to film a greeting to the Top 10 American Idol contestants because their balls are owned by Fox for the time being. Never mind none of them are American nor would ever watch American Idol. I actually do not mind this crap tonight because a) Idol sucks ass and b) I like looking at Sam Worthington for whatever reason.

Lee DeWyze is safe. But his pants are still falling down and he still looks like he might vomit. Casey James is safe. Seacrest asks Aaron Kelly if he’s ever been in love, but uses it to involve Simon in some nonsense. Simon, in turn, tells Seacrest its not the Oprah Winfrey Show. And then they fake fight again. And then Seacrest allows Kara DioGuardi to speak and she says something lame and unoriginal about Simon being in love with himself. Even Ellen is keeping her mouth shut because this dog & pony show is so lame.

Its Siobhan vs. Smug Teen Witch! YAY! Smug Teen Witch is TOTALLY in the Bottom 2! You know something? I no longer want to hear the judges debating on what the frak kind of artist any contestant should be. This shit should be figured out before they go on the program. And the homoerotic tension-filled faux fighting between Simon and Seacrest is just so mind-numbingly lame, its like watching –

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Die. Bieber. Die. The Imp of Hades is finally taking some of Ryan’s candy! It seems his performance will be aired during next week’s results show, after the contestants sing selections from the Lennon-McCarthy songbook. (Because we all know how well that turned out the first time…AND the second time.) You think John Lennon wanted it this way? Huh? Is this anyway to honor the man’s memory? Justin fucking Bieber.

Usher comes out and sings his newest release. It’s better than Yeah Yeah Yeah but then again, the sounds of someone taking a shit in the stall next to you are infinitely better than Yeah Yeah Yeah. Is Usher even singing in this number? He ain’t rapping. He’s just talking. Usher is wearing a derby hat and there is choreography involving the aforementioned derby hat often seen in high school girls’ pom squads. Then that will.i.am idiot shows up.

will.i.am : pop music :: Chef Boyardee : pasta

Is it just me, or do these people all hate each other?

Didi is in the Bottom 3. As if this was a shock to anyone? Drunki is clearly about to break down. It would probably be in everybody’s best interests if she goes home tonight. We also learn she gets nervous playing guitar on stage, even though I thought she was all singer-songwriter girl. FAKE. Drunki at least, accepts her fate. She also gets points for not hugging Smug Teen Witch as she takes her seat beside her.

Seacrest’s fake out to Michael Lynche fools no one, but it does give Big Mike to bring on the feats of strength like its Festivus morning! He also may have grabbed Seacrest’s nuts, not sure.

Since we all know Crystal Bowersox is a-ok, its going to come down to Tim Urban and Andrew Garcia for that final spot in the Bottom 3. Sadly, we know this will be Tim Urban, whose incredible Idol run should not end just yet. I don’t understand why they are so perplexed as to why Tim Urban smiles all the time. The kid was HOME SCHOOLED. HOME SCHOOLED. Of course, even Tim manages to semi-charm me with his reply when Kara asks him why he smiles all the damn time. It’s a good attitude to have, and frankly, she should just shut her useless trap if she doesn’t get it. Oh yeah. Shit-for-Brains is a failed pop singer stuck writing shitty songs for other people. She’s not even allowed on stages in front of large audiences.

Of course Tim Urban smiles all the time. He was a homeschooled child of Jesus. Life is lollipops, DC Talk and a closet full of American Eagle to wear to all those church lock-ins and youth ministry night.

BOOOOOO! Smug Teen Witch is sent back to safety.

Before we get to send Drunki or Teflon Timmy on their way, we must sit through a Diddy performance. Diddy Dirty Money. The smoke machines are on full blast. And the lights go crazy. I bet $20 an epileptic has already called Fox because there was no fair warning about extreme strobe lightage for this episode.

YES YES YES! It’s a VFTW victory! Tim Urban is safe safe safe! And Drunki gets to break down on stage one final time. The judges aren’t saving her ass, even if she’s doing Stevie Nicks. Sadly, its the best she’s sounded on the show, although she’s still not very good at expressing the true emotion of a song. The judges, naturally, act like asshats and talk about shit their maid said while she’s performing.

So yeah…um, Idol? It’s still a girl’s year, right? You get it now, right? The people voting for your shit show uh, don’t usually vote for the girls and now, half the girls are gone.

Keep smiling, Teflon Timmy, keep smiling.