Mediocre would be high praise: AI9 Top 16 (Girls)

I can already tell you the best part about tonight’s [second-to-last] semifinals episode of American Idol. It’s ONLY one hour long! One measly hour! Less suffering, although I know its only to give people that Glee shit. Hey, I’ve tried to watch it. I’ve tried to understand why all of you think this show is the second coming of that damned singing fish on those McDonald’s ads. But I don’t get it.

Well golly gee. Lilly Scott is in the pimp spot! Crystal Bowersox will go on right before her. Lacey Brown is pretty much done-zo. Ellen is nuzzling Simon. I doubt she’s playing the bi-curious card. Simon was just willing to play nicey nice to get that DioGuardi hag off his ass. Wait! Don’t make her go back to her seat.

Katie Stevens
Breakaway

In an obvious effort to make herself more youthful, Evil Katie sings the titular track from Kelly Clarkson’s second album (you know, the one which made her better than this shit TV show). From the opening note, Evil Katie mangles it. She is terribly out of tune and I wonder if she has a terrible head cold. To make matters worse, she resembles Tammy Faye Bakker in her PTL heyday, before she was a beloved gay icon/friend of Ron Jeremy and cancer patient. Actually, I think Tammy still looked like that in her final days, but in all seriousness, a 17-year-old girl should never strive to look like Tammy Faye Bakker, even if Tammy got really cool in the last decade or so of her life.

Katie not only sucked, she was also dumb enough to sing one of the most well-known tracks from Idol’s true gold standard. Ellen’s critique is right on, save for the song choice comment. Shit-For-Brains is already gloming onto Simon and thinks Katie has a real radio-friendly voice, but does not know who she is. I wonder what radio Kara listens to, and I doubt Katie will ever be more than THIS time of artist…if you would call that being an artist. Perhaps, as Simon may believe, it is an art to suck the life out of songs.

SHUT THE FRAK UP. Katie wants to break away from her small town life! Bitch lives in Connecticut. Yes, I regularly go through small towns via Amtrak, but it ain’t “small town”. It’s Dooney & Burke shit. And then the fact you’re smack dab in between Boston and NYC. Nonsense. Get your Mystic Pizza ass out of here.

(New Luke Wilson commercial? He’s looking okay. Could have done without the baby. People try and use babies to sell everything these days, even products they cannot use. When was the last time your infant used a mobile or invested in a high-risk growth fund via eTrade? Exactly.)

Siobhan Mangus
House of the Rising Sun

Siobhan Mangus is full of win. Another unique song choice (uh oh, is Katelyn Epperly pissed?) plus adorable adoration for her father. This song is a special dedication to him, in fact, as he is sitting in the audience all Howard Hessman as Johnny Fever-like. Siobhan is perfect during the a capella intro, with vocals positively haunting. Unfortunately, she loses her way a bit as she goes on, which I think may partly be blamed upon the arrangement. The big notes did nothing or me, but the song clearly had zero climax. (Hence, why I blame the arrangement.)

Randy uttered you know what I like about you. Ellen loves her. Kara tells her she’s unique and different. I hate everything that bitch says, mainly because everything that comes out of her mouth is just not worth listening to.

Lacey Brown
The Story

Is Brandi Carisile related to Belinda? Lacey likes eye-fraking the camera. It’s not unlike Constantine Maroulis, so I feel kind of dirty. For every moment I think there may be some brilliance in Lacey’s voice, she seems to disappoint me a moment later. Tonight, I felt more of a country twang with Lacey than previously, but that could be a wise decision since Haeley Vaughn was ousted last week and Idol clearly enjoys towards turning at least one contestant country per season.

This was Lacey’s best performance by a mile, but will this be enough to save a girl who is dead on arrival this week? Of course, I would rather see Lacey make it to the Top 12 over Katie Stevens. Randy and Ellen agree with me. Kara DioGuardi talks to hear herself talk, even tells her this is the sort of record you should be recording. Simon was bored, but he also liked it enough. He also noticed her sheer delight in eye-fraking. Given Lacey’s performance spot (#3) and the judge’s benign comments, I still think she is a safe bet to be eliminated this week.

Katelyn Epperly
I Feel the Earth Move

Are you guys also loving the lack of filler in this episode? I know I am. For the last three weeks, Katelyn has impressed me more than I ever thought she would. I even like the variety of her song choices. However, the Carole King classic sounds very lounge singer. This isn’t believable. And its utterly forgettable. The first thing I thought of was the hotel singer in Lost In Translation — you know, the one who sleeps with Bill Murray (played by Catherine Lambert). This is Katelyn’s weakest performance to date, which sucks, considering she is performing smack-dab in the middle.

Katelyn says she was trying to be less corny. So I’m not really sure why she trotted an irritating Carole King song from before she was born. The judges are not sold. Kara talks about how Carole King is always in the zone. DIE KARA DIE. I cannot believe Randy Jackson no longer seems to bother me whatsoever. You have eclipsed Randy Jackson in the I-am-a-talking-kangaroo department. How you like them apples? Simon, paying obvious homage to the fallen Paula Abdul, that he loves her hair. He thinks she could be in trouble. I hope not, as there are so many more deserving losers who should be ousted on Thursday.

(Yes. I am playing the Kris Allen for Ford commercial…wait, I’ve seen this one before. I like the leaves one better. Or when he talks about talking to the car. Amazingly, Kris Allen for Ford is followed by Luke Wilson for AT&T. Are 19E account executives reading my shit blog?)

If you did not know, the guys are singing tomorrow night…but an hour later than usual. I imagine this is because Fox has to have some 5pm mass for Glee or some shit. Who else wants to know what Alex Lambert is gonna sing? And why Casey James is now trying to grow Brad Pitt’s goat beard. And who knew Michael Lynche’s hand was as big as Tim Urban’s head?

Didi Benami
Rhiannon

In a last-ditch effort to save her ass, Didi brings back the guitar for some Fleetwood Mac. I hope Didi breaks down on stage, as tonight’s show could use some excitement. Like Lacey, Didi often shows brief moments of vocal brilliance. And then I look at her. Didi doesn’t so much eye-frak as make earnest singing faces. Again, I can place partial blame on the arrangement, as all Idol songs just fall flat when they’re cut to under two minutes.

Randy thinks it was better than last week. Ellen makes a dumb joke. Kara, determined to keep her little ass kisser around for a little while longer, as people who are actually nice to Shit-For-Brains are few and far between, actually says its one of her favorite moments of the season. Simon agrees with her. He blows so much unnecessary sunshine up her ass, likely because she’s halfway attractive and over the age of 20. Was it better than the other performances tonight? Maybe. Not sure. But the person in the upstairs apartment moving furniture and hanging photos sounds better than all these bastards.

Paige Miles
Smile

Charlie Chaplin? Tracy Chapman? Well this is a change. It starts out pleasant, if a bit shaky. The whole performance is a bit shaky, and the last note is uh, not sure what it was. The entire thing was dull background music. Dull background music. Randy hated it. Ellen says it was the wrong song choice, because that’s what Ellen says. Kara talks to her as if she was a child. She makes Paige cry. Well, I think all of them made her cry. At least Simon acknowledges the complete suckitude of the arrangement (How much control do the contestants have over this if they do not play an instrument?)

I feel sorry for Paige, though. Poor girl. Paige starts talking about God Michael Jackson, so maybe this will give her a few votes. But I think end times may be near for our coloring princess. And even though you sang Charlie Chaplin, I won’t call you The Little Tramp.

Crystal Bowersox
Give Me One Reason

Since I’m a huge fan of Crystal, I must say I’m a bit disappointed she is doing a rather trite song. There are other Tracy Chapman songs which are so much more worthy. But true to form, Crystal sounds great and gives it her own little spin without detracting from the overall melody. (Are you listening, Todrick Hall?)

Crystal is real. And she’s a real good musician. But I still don’t want to hear Kara tell her how much she knows who she is. She even tells her she’s curious to know what kind of record she’s going to make. SHOOT ME NOW. I am also wondering if Idol producers have instructed Crystal to not show a lot of teeth. Simon continues his pimpage of Crystal from last night’s Leno, but obviously, is there any reason to not think this girl goes very, very far…or all the way?

(Yay! Kris Allen and his Ford video game. He likes the leaves! This will probably get old by next week, but at the moment, it is still endearing.)

Lilly Scott
I Fall to Pieces

I’m a sucker for Patsy Cline. I’m a sucker for Patsy Cline done well. I’ve blocked out nearly all memory of Kellie fraking Pickler mangling Walkin’ After Midnight. I have high hopes for this one, even though Lilly is up there with an electric mandolin (or other small guitar). Now I totally dig Lilly’s voice, but this is not exactly a song you smile while strumming. She’s brought up the tempo a tiny pit and given it her own touches, but the frequent grinning is rather irritating. Few people sang about heartbreak better than Patsy Cline, and the pain was always evident, even in more up-tempo numbers such as this one (and Walkin’ After Midnight).

Perhaps it is because I’ve loved Patsy Cline for my entire life that I am more critical than I would typically be of Lilly, one of my favorites in this year’s competition. I was exposed to many classic country artists as a child (one of my earliest memories was wearing footy pajamas/onesie at a drive-in with my parents while we watched Honeysuckle Rose) so Patsy and I go way back. Frankly, few people have ever been able to imbue their songs with such genuine emotion. Yo, Lilly. You do not smile when you walk by. You fall to pieces.

The judges dig her. Kara thinks she made Patsy Cline sound contemporary. Simon thinks it was cute and quirky, yet lacking of any wow factor. He thinks it was a risky move. What? She went last! She won’t go home.

She won’t go home. Because this week, we will be saying goodbye to Paige and Katie. However, this whole episode may have sucked more than usual, although that’s a really, really tough call. I think I say that every week. But this week, yeah, this week sucked more. Until tomorrow night…and next week. Is this really what this crew did on the final night of the semifinals? Michael Orland and Debra Byrd allowed such nonsense? Eeek. Idol, you may suck worse than I previously thought, because tonight’s episode was a whole lotta nothing.

Who do you think is gonna have to try not to let the door hit them on the way out? Who else is pissed they can’t change the channel fast enough b/c of this Glee crap? Why do these freaks talk in their singing voices?

My rankings:

1. Crystal
2. Lilly
3. Siobhan
4. Lacey
5. Didi
6. Katelyn
7. Paige
8. Katie