Full Metal Idol: AI9 Top 16 (Guys)

Tonight’s American Idol shit show begins with Ryan Seacrest approaching each contestant, bathed in dramatic spotlights of blue, as if he is Gunnary Sergeant Hartman (R. Lee Ermey) addressing the privates in Full Metal Jacket. Um, kind of, I guess. But you know, he’s shorter and not a Marine.

The spoilers received just before showtime seem to be right on! And since we only have an hour this evening, we were not forced to spend an inordinate amount of time with the increasingly vile/useless judges.

What’s your name, maggot?

Lee DeWyze
Fireflies

Dude. You are doing a shit song by the poor man’s children’s Postal Service. Do you think this song will endear you to the tween set? Have you heard about the rabid frauen and this is your strategy at getting them off your back? NEVER. Won’t happen. Fireflies? Seriously, dude. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? You have just proven you have zero original taste in music.

He tries putting his own gravely-rocker spin on it. But its Fireflies. And this guy did HINDER last week. He seems relatively on key for most of the song, but I don’t think the song has a key. But Randy thinks he had some pitch problems. Then again, Randy thinks most people have pitch problems. And Ellen repeats it for hope of credibility, but she points out people keep telling her they have a crush on him. Uh…Kara is still gloming onto Simon and he’s desperately trying to get away from her. She thinks he made the song better than the original. I think they both kind of sucked, so its really not a fair comparison. Everyone seems to think he put his own spin on it. BIG SURPRISE — Simon says he did not have a moment. That’s Simon’s new line. Obviously, the person writing for them is not being challenged enough on the job since our beloved Percocet Paula was unceremoniously not re-signed for a fair amount of cash.

Bullshit. You didn’t convince me. let me see your REAL war face!

Alex Lambert
Trouble

Alex looks so nervous! No! Ray LaMontagne basically has Aspberger’s and/or extreme social anxiety so if he can actually tour, you can get up there and sing his song. Whatever it is about this kid, his voice, his mullet, his entire what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here demeanor has made him a favorite of mine. And he’s singing one of my most favorite of favorite singers! And he’s not mangling it! Score! (Taylor Hicks and Chris Sligh or someone from Season 6 have previously performed this song on the show. I really wish they would start doing other Ray songs…because Trouble isn’t even one of his best numbers!)

He does a solid job. I really just enjoy the genuine tone of his voice. He’s got the guitar and the initial problems I had with the arrangement (the instrumental intro blew). Randy called Ray LaMontagne dope. This disturbs me for whatever reason. Ellen calls him a mushy banana. Aren’t we done with the banana talk yet? She also manages to tell him to gain more confidence, but not become a cocky banana. I swear I’ve seen that title at the Amazing store around the corner from my apartment.

The only thing standing in the way of you winning is you right now.

You know what, Shit-For-Brains? Confucius AND Deepak Chopra both say you are woman who should have been born a mute. She also thinks he needs vulnerability. Dude. Last week, he talked about vomiting. The week before that, he was bleeped for fowl language. He is totally vulnerable!

Bullshit, I STILL can’t hear you! Sound off like you’ve got a pair!

Tim Urban
Hallelujah

Tim Urban is performing one of his old standbys. Naturally, Idol disregards all pertinent musical history and says Urban is covering Jeff Buckley (Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Jeff Buckley). This was actually better than I expected it to be…and Randy gave props to Leonard Cohen? But it was the best he’s ever sounded. Ellen, playing the role of nicey-nice judge perfectly, runs over to give Tim a hug because…it was fantastic!

While I no longer have any interest in buying any of his music (nor did I ever, honestly), I would still venture to say Jason Castro’s version was more memorable than Tim’s, but the judges totally dug it. I suddenly have the feeling this kid is going to be around for a very long time…If Idol can’t get a girl winner (and as of now, the guys have put up a much stronger showing than the Top 8 girls did last night), they would probably aim for a Justin Bieber/Imp of Hades/Moppet of Beelzebub-esque blowout boy who might be popular with the tween set. Because we all know it ain’t the tweens who make the Idol world spin round.

So, from now on, whenever Private Pyle f**ks up, I will not punish him! I will punish all of YOU! And the way I see it ladies, you owe me for ONE JELLY DOUGHNUT! NOW, GET DOWN ON YOUR FACES!

Andrew Garcia
Genie in a Bottle

Uh…is this a gang sign or is he trying to be the next Idol contestant to sign an endorsement deal with an eyewear company? Is this some Kim Jong Il signal I don’t know about? (*runs to brush up on Ryugyong Hotel knowledge*) Andrew obviously chose the ubiquitous Christina Augilara song in an effort to recapture the allure of his Hollywood Week Straight Up.

Andrew’s first baby baby baby makes me cringe. The tempo indicated he may shake up the chorus a bit more, but it failed to do much. The final little run wasn’t too bad, but the guitar rift at the end was straight up Steve Miller Band Rock’n Me Baby. Randy thought he was pitchy, obviously, but I do agree with him about it only being about three notes. There was zero range. Kara opens her mouth in disappointment and says Andrew peaked too soon. Everyone keeps talking about Straight Up. Simon thinks he is desperate and uncomfortable. Ryan brings up that Paula Abdul song. This is only acceptable because he actually says Paula Abdul. OH MY PERCOCET PAULA. YOU ARE MISSED!!!

(Before the commercial break, Casey James and Aaron are shown sitting next to each other on the Coke Couch! For this single moment, they are like a gentler, watered-down version of Cook and Archuleta. Which really says it all about this season of American Idol...how can you get more gentler and benign than the two Davids of Season 7?)

Holy dog shit. Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don’t look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down.

Casey James
You’ll Think of Me

Casey ventures into country-country territory with a little Keith Urban. Wise choice to appeal to an even larger demographic, although he is from Texas and has already bared his chest, so he really doesn’t need to do much more. This guy is a guaranteed lock for 6th or 7th place — at the least. Sure, its a safe choice. But is it really surprising? Its not memorable by any stretch, but his vocals are decent.

I want to hate Casey James, but he’s kind of good. He’s not mind blowing, but he’s solid. And I’m almost amazed at how much stronger the guys are this evening over their female counterparts…and this is still a girl’s year, huh? Randy was not blown away, because he wanted something different. Ellen says the same thing Ellen always says. Kara throws out cougar bait by claiming he’s almost back in her good graces. She is such a C**T. All she has to do is open her mouth and C**T is the first thing I think of. Simon thinks it was unmemorable, naturally, but that it was also his second best performance. I’m almost shocked he did not throw out that bit about there being no wow moment.

Casey also makes Seacrest look more midgetesque than usual.

How tall are you, private?

Aaron Kelly
I’m Already There

Aaron is a harmless kid singing country. I find it impossible to hate on him. I fear for him this week, though, especially since Tim Urban was actually okay. It’s just that Aaron seems like such a nice little puppy dog, I can’t be mean to him. I don’t even know any Lone Star. This song is vaguely familiar? But that second or third lyric was terribly out of tune. I think he may be oversinging, but it sounds right on…like it sounds like a popish-country tune. I think they all kind of “go big or go home” on those choruses, right?

Looking up at the TV screen, I see this…and it kind of reminds me of…Clay Aiken?

But when Aaron’s voice is on, its on. He has more range than most of his competitors. Randy’s criticism mirrors mine. This no longer scares me, as he is infinitely better than Shit-for-Brains. Ellen wasn’t as impressed. She thinks he oversang, too! Kara starts telling him what the song was about, and how he should not have sung it being all of 16? Did the bitch ever say anything when Allison Iraheta busted out ditties meant for 35-year-olds? Yay! Aaron says he was trying to narrate a story. Frankly, he showed more genuine emotion than I’ve seen most of them elicit this season. Yay! Simon cuts Kara off and tells her she’s full of shit. Good job, Simon. Shut her ass up.

I bet you’re the kind of guy that would f**k a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.

Todrick Hall
Somebody to Love

This could be a stellar trainwreck. It’s Todrick Hall. And he’s employing the backup singers. The backup singers even get their moment on the jumbo screen. I am surprised he did not make them wear choir robes.

Because I feel like I’m a church. I will say, however, this is better than he’s been the last two weeks. I can recognize the melody! It ventures into Motown territory, but its the best this douchebag has ever sounded. He wasn’t even out of tune. It was even a welcome change from all the guitar-driven quasi-ballads we’ve heard from everyone else. Oh Todrick, I don’t like you whatsoever, but you were decent. And where did you buy your Adam Lambert hand-me-downs?

Kara starts bitching about it being overly dramatic. HOMOPHOBE! Has this guy ever been anything but overly dramatic? Although Simon does have a point with Todrick showing us he’s a Broadway singer. But it also was the most interesting thing of the night.

(Break for Kris-Allen-being-endearing-for-Ford commercial)

If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war.

Michael Lynche
This Woman’s Work

Last week, Big Mike sang that It was a Man’s Man’s Man’s World and now he is singing about Woman’s Work. Gender roles in music! I am fearing they are trying to turn him into Ruben Studdard 2.0. Or call Tyler Perry. Idol does not like to admit its racist, or that black people do not watch this shit, so they always try to get at least a token. Cuddly teddy bear Big Mike is the obvious choice over the flamboyant possible scam artist Todrick Hall in capturing voters’ attention — even if he’s singing dull-as-rocks contemporary-ish R&B.

He can totally sing, but I am also totally bored. Next week, I want to hear Big Mike step away from the R&B. But I guess you need to conform to TBTB boxes in order to get anywhere on this shit show. But mainly, I want to know why this performance triggered the bowels of desperation in Kara DioGuardi. BITCH STARTED CRYING. CROCODILE TEARS.

YOU WILL NEVER BE PAULA! YOU WILL NEVER BE PAULA. I don’t care how much Percocet and OCs you get your doctor in Tijuana to prescribe to your lame ass, but YOU WILL NEVER BE PAULA. (And your forehead still does not move.)

SHE CRIES. AND CALLS HIS PERFORMANCE RELEVANT.

And as a woman who does not have a child, I can relate to it so much. And it brought me to tears.

Last week, I had to hear this bitch talk about some guy that done her wrong and this week, she basically alluded to FERTILITY ISSUES. Bitch is trying to out-crazy Paula. Simon thinks it was the best performance of the season. Yes, Michael Lynche is their chosen token.

I NEVER AGAIN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT KARA DIOGUARDI AND HER FERTILITY ISSUES. Seriously, if you were one of her eggs, or the necessary swimming sperm, you would run the other direction. Hell, she was probably crying her eggs because they ran the almost the entire length of her body to get the hell out. There are just some things you don’t talk about on national television, mmm-kay?

Who do you think is going to make the cut…or be cut? Tonight might be a close one for the guys. While they were boring, they sucked infinitely less than the girls this week. I’m trying to rank them, but its kind of difficult…because no one really HAD A WOW MOMENT. And hearing about Kara DioGuardi’s need for a babyfriend just threw me off. (Was this overwhelming wave of emotions the result of fertility drugs? Or a desperate attempt to make people like her? Why is this woman so damn unlikeable?)

My rankings, which really are not indicative of anything. I was actually trying to go by vocals, or who provided some degree of entertainment.

1. Alex Lambert (Viva el Mullet)
2. Todrick Hall
3. Michael Lynche
4. Casey James
5. Tim Urban
6. Aaron Kelly
7. Andrew Garcia
8. Lee DeWyze (dude…Fireflies? Come on.)