It’s Hollywood Week on American Idol! And it’s a new Top Idol!

So let’s do this, shall we?

This is the very first post of Top Idol’s new home. This is sort of like owning a home as opposed to renting. Yeah…that’s it. So let’s kick off American Idol’s Hollywood Week with the very first post on the NEW TOP IDOL! I must warn you…migration is taking awhile and as you can see, I still need to do a bit of work to the aesthetics. But let me know what you think of the new digs. Hopefully, most (if not all) of the existing content will be moved over by the end of the week. Obviously, I understand if you still want to hang out until then at my other home…the “rented” one.

I’ve been looking forward to Hollywood Week. Scary, yes, but the audition rounds are more tedious than amusing and frankly, I would rather hear people deemed talented do horribly as opposed to all those designated trainwrecks. Or single moms. Or survivors of divorce. Oh wait, those are all the ones we’re going to spend the next 3 months of our lives watching.

Ellen DeGeneres is here. I adore Ellen, but I miss Paula Abdul. Couldn’t we have traded in Kara DioGuardi for Ellen? Then everyone would have been happy! Big Pharma, lesbians, housewives, me, you, Quatto the Mole, Oskar…

Alzheimer’s Tragedy Teenager Katie Stevens vs. The Big Skiibowski

Gawker’s Richard Rushfield has been riding the Katie Stevens train since the season premiere. I still contend she only brought her memaw out from the attic for the film crew. Oh, and she’s singing Stevie Wonder’s For Once In My Life. Yes, yes. I know they are given a somewhat limited selection of songs, but can’t we just save all Stevie Wonder for say, an episode of all Stevie Wonder music? Did I also forget to mention OMG SHE IS ONLY 16? Nice, I guess. But I still yawned.

Antonio Wheeler–aka Skiibowski–may have wracked up several criminal violations, however, I think about how much more entertaining the show could be if he were allowed to stick around. And Skiibowski makes his exit.

After the commercial break, we are treated to a tiny montage of cannon fodder. I have no idea who these people are, which means they really, really should have concerned themselves more with exploiting a garden variety family tragedy than singing. I wonder why people insist on singing barefoot, and why some girl is wearing the glasses I had in the 4th grade. I am also disturbed by the fact the judges are now drinking Vitamin Water!

Gang Sign Garcia vs. Backwoods Bridge Jumper Vanessa Wolfe
Reformed gang banger Andrew Garcia puts an acoustic spin on the Paula Abdul classic Straight Up. How cute. You know he prepared such a number for guaranteed airtime. I also kind of…loved it. Because I am a sucker for acoustic reimaginings of cheesy pop songs (Hello? Travis’ Baby One More Time!) I don’t want to like it, because I don’t think I am a fan of Andrew Garcia, oh, and because they allow Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi to talk about Paula and Adam Lambert in the same breath. Just because Lambert did Cher’s Believe and he did…come on! Seriously, woman, your tired comparisons, just…I hate you. Please. Don’t speak. Ever again.

Vanessa Wolfe is so out of here, but she got to ride on the AEROPLANE! I hope she also did one of those bus tours of the stars’ homes. Oh Vanessa! Your nerves have gotten the best of you. I am also appalled by…did you put that on your application? Please tell me that was the producers’ doing. Fast food associate?? Granted, I do see some of the brilliance in choosing Blind Melon’s No Rain. I have no idea why, but…oh crap, must we throw another worship pastor in? Tricia Leighton. I would prefer a bridge jumper over yet another worship pastor.

Others face rejection and cry while What Hurts The Most plays. And we see Vanessa go down the hotel hallway with her rolling duffel bag, off to return home on a big fancy aeroplane.

Cornelius Edwards blows it. Maegan Wright takes it to the keyboard sans little brother. And blows it. Yo! Amadeo DiRocco! Bye bye, Amadeo. Obviously, American Idol didn’t get the memo about guidos being where it’s at. Suck it, Idol. Suck it.

Girl-with-Guitar #1 Janell Wheeler
I might like Janell more if she just stuck a damned e on the end of her name. (Oh lookie there! It’s Fallen Frau Bait Ben Honeycutt! Oh, Ben, what could have been. What could’ve been.)

Crap. I like her. I totally dug her acoustic American Boy. Shoot me. Funny how more and more contestants show up with instruments season after season since they finally permitted such things. Perhaps they are trying to capitalize off…sorry, Shit-For-Brains, I wasn’t going to say Adam Lambert. I was going to say, you know…the other one. Crap. What was his name again? Oh yeah! Kris Allen! The dude who plays with snakes in foreign lands and not just photoshoots! And eats duck fetuses! And sings and plays a bunch of instruments.

HOLD UP. Oh my. Bad bleach job + keyboards + Bonnie Raitt + Runaway Bride Eyes + cougar clothes = NONONONONONONONONO GET IT OFF MY SCREEN

I hated everything about that performance.

Thank you, Simon…more painful performances. OH NO! Bosa! Bosa! I liked you, Bosa.

Second Coming of Paris Bennett Haeley Vaughn vs. Rocker Mom Mary Powers
There is something about this Haeley girl I just don’t like. Nope. Don’t like it. Not gonna like it. Plus, being OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 is no excuse to wear glitter and butterfly adornments on one’s head. Actually, now that I remember her…she is kind of clever. Like if she just had a bit more vocal training and didn’t do much more talking-talking until she was say, 20?

I liked Mary Powers during the Los Angeles auditions. I even liked her adorable little cynical moppet daughter. Mary, kind of predictably…sings Pink’s Sober…which I assume is mainly because she did her research and knows Shit-For-Brains wrote it.

And they both make it!

Hello bad editing! I thought Big Red Glasses Girl was already cut — NONONONONONONONO THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!

What the hell is this chiseled blowout boy with caterpillar eyebrows doing on the stage? SOMEONE STOMP IT OUT BEFORE IT RUNS AMOCK. WHO THE FRAK CLONED THAT EFRON BIEBER KID? Jesus Christ. It even has a name. And it is Danny. (Note to self: Never trust talk to anyone named Danny, as they are all scary.)

As the joyous melody of Curtis Mayfield’s Move On Up play in the background, Zefron Bieber Eyebrow and Red Glasses Girl and everyone else makes it. As does alleged scam artist Toddrick Hall, Charity Vance and Ashley Rodriguez…could she have gotten even more pimping if she told the producers of her battle with hoof & mouth disease? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am so going to hell. I couldn’t help myself, mmm-kay. ZEFRON BIEBER EYEBROWS MADE ME DO IT.

Happy people who move on up jump around. Happy people like ORPHAN BOY CHRIS GOLIGHTLY. I only feel marginally better once I get a glimpse of the TRUE Patron Saint of American Idol — Debbie the Stage Manager. She’s even wearing her tres-adorable newsboy cap! I tard uber-hard over that broad. LOVES HER.

It’s Day 2…and there is another girl with Sally Jesse Raphael-esque red glasses. Do I need to dig mine out of some box at my parents? Jay Stone, the beat-boxing petri-dish love child of Chris Meloni and Channing Tatum, did not impress.

Girl-with-Guitar #2 Lilly Scott
Oh, yes, Idol. I see your diabolical plan NOW. However were you going to ensure a girl wins? Stick them with a guitar! You know this shit works (see the Season 8 finale…and Season 7), at least with the men. Perhaps substance does win out over style? And now you just have to duplicate it…but with a singer who has a vagina in lieu of vas defrens. Will you be able to pull it off? Can you beat the all-mighty frauen at their own game and get America to embrace a girl-with-guitar? Perhaps a musician/sandwich maker like one Lilly Scott?

I think I might like Lilly. Very few people can sport a haircut reminiscent of Patricia Arquette-butchered lameness and two dead peacocks dangling from their ears, but Lily has the chops. Especially while busting out the guitar and Ella Fitzgerald. SHUT UP SHIT-FOR-BRAINS. Don’t ruin this moment for me by calling her refreshing. Yay! Lilly made it. Possible third-rate nerdcore rapper Jay Stone does not. Some other hippie-looking frau bait dude makes it, too, but I’ve never seen him before, so I suspect he is not long for this world.

He’s having a baby! Black-Dude-with-Guitar Michael Lynche
Call it kismet. Call it impeccable family planning. Or perhaps dramatic editing. In any case, cuddly black teddy bear (with guitar!) Michael Lynche’s wife decided to have some contractions before it was his time to take the stage. Naturally, she doesn’t want him to come home. While some people would call this ludicrous, I kind of have to agree with Mrs. Lynche. The kid will be there when he’s done. And they might be those fake contractions that I’ve heard happen at random. This is Michael’s big chance! He’s smart to announce the whole baby delivery timing debacle to the judges! This guy may be the perfect man of color to go through into the depths of the Top 10. Frauen are not accepting of minority males, but it helps if they are non-threatening and cuddly. Michael Lynche is both! He wears several crosses around his neck! And he’s having a baby! And he plays a guitar! And sings JOHN MAYER! Guitars are kind of white! John Mayer is whiter than the Clam Chowder served in a sourdough bread bowl at Panera! It’s a big cuddly teddy bear black dude singing John Mayer while he strums a guitar and wears lots o’ crosses while thinking about his wife who may or may not be in labor with his unborn child!

(HAHAHAHA. Besty Castro is thwarted again! Michael Castro gets a tiny amount of airtime and makes it to the next round, but he is not actually acknowledged! BWAHAHAHAHAHA.)

Feathery-Haired Frau Bait Tim Urban vs. Cancer Boy Justin Williams
Feathered hair! Winsome blue eyes! Looks as if he was transported in time machine from The Waltons or Eight is Enough! Sings David Cook’s Come Back to Me! This guy is almost bigger frau bait than Orphan Boy!

I always take issue with contestants who go on Idol and sing songs originated by other Idols. In my eyes, that’s just aural stupidity. Just like singing that god-awful Alicia Keys’ song about some people wanting diamond rings or Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me.

I have no idea what Justin Williams was warbling at the beginning of his little ditty. He also has smoldering Mormon eyes. No, I am not dissing on Mormons, dammit! But he is Mormon! And many of them have a different sort of smoldering eye thing going on…its not eyefraking, per se. It’s like eyefeelingyourbraupthebackofyourshirt. And with a smile. A wholesome smile. (Need another example? Ryan Di Lello, the finalist from last season’s So You Think You Can Dance).

While I wasn’t a fan of Justin Williams, I think he did deserve to make it over the Frau Bait Moppet singing David Cook.

We must also say goodbye to Paige Lechasse and YES YES YES YES YES YES! Erica Rhodes, aka the Barney brat who rode in wearing bondage gear. Alas. Doesn’t she have grad school to attend to, anyway? It’s a good thing she stuck with the wholesome look today. Tears just make latex a bit more uncomfortable. Waaaaa.

Oh crap. There I go again taking photos of contestants during instances in which they appear to be trannies.

Down Syndrome Family Girl Maddy Curtis

Oh crap. That was a bad, bad, bad note. I also have no idea what she sang, as I could not understand any of the words. It sounded like a bird dying a slow & painful death. Oh Maddy. It’s okay. You’re only 16 and hey, Life Goes On. (YES I AM GOING TO HELL. I BLAME YOU ZEFRON BIEBER EYEBROWS. YOU!)

If I Believed in Reincarnation This Guy Obviously was a Mass Murderer in a Previous Life Because He is Now Paying for It in This One as Evidenced by Premature Yet Frantic Tard Worship and Shit-For-Brains’ Dragon Come Hither Stare Casey James
He’s not bad looking, I’ll give him that. His music doesn’t make me want to lodge a Q-Tip into the depths of my eardrum, I’ll give him that. And given his choice of wardrobe, I can only hope of what he was attempting to do–evoke Thelma & Louise fantasies in one Kara DioGuardi before stealing her money and causing her to drive off a cliff. If this is what the blue-eyed, pony-tailed Texan wonder who dazzled Shit-For-Brains and frauen everywhere (Holly Sockpuppets! The guy is DOOMED!) when he took his stripped down during his Dallas audition was aiming for, then I would totally vote for him.

Maddy Curtis didn’t make it. And she cries. But she’s only 16, so she can always audition again, so who cares? Me? Nah. But I do want to know who brought the day hooker with them. I’ve been wondering that since Doomed Frau Bait was up there strumming his guitar and she was standing in the corner.

Up next…more single moms/girls with guitars! And I am faced, yet again, with my bi-weekly internal struggle about whether or not I would jump Luke Wilson in the biblical sense.

Girl-with-Guitar #567 Didi Benami
People have been talking about this one all night. Okay. She is more appealing with the guitar. I kind of dig her. Again, I notice the selective editing as the crazy keyboard cougar-attired Runaway Bride eyes chick is waiting in the wings to hear her fate. Simon likes the fact she’s a waitress, because its cool if waitresses do well on the show. Dude. I think a lot of people are waitresses.

Single Mom/Girl-with-Guitar #1063 Crystal Bowersox (or the one who I already know I am supposed to adore)
I’ve been waiting for this moment for weeks! Ever since I read Crystal Bowersox’s name on the list of spoilers. Miss Bowersox is all sorts of saucy. And a bit grimy looking. She even has dreads. She could be this year’s single mom who steals my heart! Bowersox! You totally rock.

Actually, Didi and Bowersox, in spite of their blond hair (hey…its dishwater, right? Mine might be that shade naturally, I have no idea anymore) look infinitely cooler than the brunette pageant queen who is accompanying them to the next round.

For whatever reason, that little scene made me think of the last office-wide party seen on Mad Men. I really have no idea why, perhaps because it is late? Or maybe I often feel like this when watching Idol?

I was going to end on that note but…

This guy is creepy as all hell. Is it that little Tim Urban guy? Or that Tyler Grady person? I HAVE NO IDEA. THEY ARE ALL BEGINNING TO LOOK ALIKE.

But I really think we need to see more of the awesome dude who made Ryan Seacrest go airborne. That’s some serious height. Color me impressed. I will try and remember this when I cry out for the my mother during tonight’s dreadful nightmares involving ZEFRON BIEBER EYEBROWS.