NPH Makes Everything Better: AI9 Dallas Auditions

Tonight, American Idol is in Dallas. Of course, the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are there, because, its just not Dallas without them. Plus, they give Ryan Seacrest yet another chance to tell the world he loves boobies. We begin tonight’s show with the usual horseshit…and Kara DioGuardi trying desperately to become BFF to the incomparable NPH.

Sorry, bitch. Not gonna happen. Neil Patrick Harris already has a best girlfriend.

The amount of awesomeness in the above photo is almost enough to restore my hope in at least a minute portion of humanity.

NPH wants to shatter the dreams of thousands. LOVE HIM.

Julie Kevelighan
I’ve never seen this Julie chick before, but I guess she tried out way back in Season 1, when Idol was still operating out of a Ramada Inn ballroom off the last stretch of the LBJ Freeway. Now if you tried out in Season 1…wouldn’t it be safe to assume you would be too old to audition now…or almost too old?

Explain this to me: Who the hell puts on that much frosted eye shadow and wears a sequin mini-dress, yet forgets to put in EARRINGS?

My first problem was the bottom line of your sign. The letters just get real small at the end. It seems like you just wanted to start over.

NPH. I love you. You make me wish I had a penis and track lighting. Julie might be a little big cray cray, as indicated by security coming out…and she does the walk of shamiest shame in her turquoise sequin dress…still singing Black Velvet.

Lloyd Thomas
Hey, the guy behind him…to the right…he was included in Hollywood’s I Wanna Be Adam Lambert Montage, right? Lloyd is kind of funny. He’s also got two daughters and grew up in the projects. Since I have already seen his children and inside his home, as well as the airline dock he works (This would most likely be for American Airlines), I am pretty sure he makes it to Hollywood. I can also deduce that he must have turned 29 sometime in the summer, after his first audition. Plus, Idol always gives EARLY love to black dudes who can sing Stevie Wonder.

This guy’s working the docks with this voice.

Kara DioGuardi. STFU. STFU. There are talented people everywhere. I bet the woman you employ as your housekeeper is a better singer than you. You wouldn’t know talent if your doctor spelled it out for you on your forehead in Botox.

Kimberly Carver
Schoolteacher Kimberly has a solid voice, but Simon thinks she is uninteresting and old-fashioned. And too jazzy. Perhaps because she is not petite and stereotypically “cute” (One of Simon’s major character flaws is that he often thinks with his wanker, hence why the world was exposed to the likes of Kellie Pickler). Randy thinks she’s great. NPH disagrees with Simon, which is apparently the overarching theme of the the first half of tonight’s episode, and Shit-For-Brains loves her. So Kimberly is going to Hollywood.

Tonight continues to be oddly quotable. Or I’m just in a mood to call out actual quotes.

They totally overrode him! And thank god for Neil Patrick Harris! I’m gonna have to go back and watch Doogie Howser again.

(NOOOOOOOO. Fast forward. NOOOOOOOOO. NO MORE VALENTINE’S DAY AKA THE STUPIDEST MOVIE EVER MADE FEATURING JULIA ROBERTS AKA THE MOST HEINOUS LAUGH IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.)

Back to the show…filler crap about the media and NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Malnourished Casper Twat. We meet again.

Dexter Ward
And another quote worthy of transcription.

I’m just being honest. This show is over.

Well, duh. I wasn’t sure about the actual words Dexter was singing, until the chorus at least, but its always a joy to watch people rub themselves during the audition rounds of American Idol. Awwww…Dexter started crying when he left. Gave me the momentary sads. Cue the…

MONTAGE OF PROBABLY TALENTED PEOPLE LACKING SAD ENOUGH BACK STORIES HAVING THEIR HOPES AND DREAMS DASHED

Every time before and after Oskar takes a dump in his litter box, he runs around like a mad man (And since he is the Don Draper of cats). It is very predictable. This is how I feel about American Idol. It operates with similar regularity and revolves around crap.

Seacrest goes “backstage” during the break to talk to NPH. Why? Because the world just wants to see more of NPH.

Erica Rhodes
Erica Rhodes is a grad student AND an actress…she started as a very young child. Homegirl was on Barney & Friends!

Erica wears stupid fingerless black fishnet gloves for no apparent reason. She is also arrogant as all hell and obviously thinks she has this bullshit locked up. Her conceit is a huge turnoff and she screams PLANT. She wants to show people she has grown up, because she assumes people remember her from Barney & Friends. My nieces and nephew had that crap when they were toddlers so I saw a few of these videos way back in the day. I don’t remember any of the children standing out. They were all interchangeable.

Then she shows up in a dominatrix outfit. Poser. I pretty much hate this bitch. She gives S&M a bad name. And for frak’s sake, this bitch has been riding Barney’s dino tail for years! She gets her golden ticket and her stage mother goes crazy. She’s been waiting for that golden ticket since her little girl was in diapers. Since Barney didn’t mean success, she went out and bought her daughter some fetish clothes for her Idol audition.

OMG FINALLY A SOB STORY I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED ON AMERICAN IDOL

Dave Pittman
He’s from Arkansas and he has Tourette’s Syndrome. TOURETTE’S SYNDROME. YESSSSSS! Wait…did Taylor Hicks have Tourette’s? I kid, I kid. I actually liked Hicks on the show. Dave has Tourette’s but it doesn’t have him. At least it doesn’t have him when he sings. It’s kind of like my one sister, who has epilepsy (which sucks). She also has restless leg syndrome, however, it stops when she’s playing a slot machine. Oddly enough, she is not blood-related to my mother, who, does not care about eating when she plays a slot machine. I don’t get it. Neither does my father. We hate slot machines.

I’ve always wanted to see someone with Tourette’s on Idol, so I think about how it would be cool to see him singing why SYTYCD Season 5′s Twitch dances and it makes me feel bad. But just for a second.

On that happy note, we get the MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO MADE IT AND ARE HAPPY. I just want to see more of this chick’s pepaw.

And onward to Day 2…I’m gonna miss you NPH. So is this the Jonas Brother who got married and didn’t like sex? Or is this one of the remaining virgins?

I guess Joe Jonas is kind of cute. Like, if I was 13, I would totally want him to stick his tongue down my throat. But as a 32-year-old, I would like to see him play the youthful version of Peter Gallagher in a random movie. Because I’ve always had a slight obsession with Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows. And Joe Jonas totally has Peter Gallagher eyebrows.

Todrick Hall
Spoilers suggest Todrick Hall made it to the Top 24. Todrick was in The Color Purple with Fantasia (Hey…wasn’t that on Broadway?) and has a bit of an allegedly shady past. Todrick sings an (original) little ditty about himself…and the judges. In all honesty, its kind of clever and mildly cute, yet its altogether cloying and I cringe when he talks about getting on his knees in his $300 jeans.

Todrick also has connection to Season 4′s Vonzell Soloman and is recognized as Hood Helper. One look at this guy’s resume tells me he does not need American Idol. About the allegedly shady past? Some people have cried foul on a now-defunct children’s production Todrick was running in Tennessee, one where parents paid cash to him for their kid’s involvement. It never materialized. Which makes him singing about getting on his knees in his $300 jeans even ickier.

Some other people make it. I think this chick’s necklace got a golden ticket, too.

And thwarting the Castro family’s need for mass exposure, Michael Castro makes it through to Hollywood (for a second time) with no chyron telling the nation just who he is and that his brother was once a fourth runner up on the very same show. (Does the shoutout for being an Adam Lambert wannabe last night count?)

And since this season is ALL ABOUT THE GIRLS…

Stephanie Daulong…Ke$ha?

Maegan Wright
I don’t think I’m gonna like this one…she’s 20, from Richardson, Texas, has a name which really doesn’t work when spelled oddly, and…

My parents are divorced. They got divorced five years ago. They’re both remarried. I have my little brother. It’s just me and him.

Okay. This is a sorry bunch of crock. She wisely brought the little brother along to pump up her sob story factor, which is totally just pushing it. Lots of people get divorced and somehow, I don’t think you and your little brother were thrown out on the streets. You weren’t riding the trains with Orphan Boy Chris Golightly. The little brother and her seem to have rehearsed an entire act in preparation for her audition, as he speaks in a put-upon monotone characteristic of children who are attempting to lie or to act and yet have little talent for either.

Maegan also needs to lighten up her eyebrows if she’s gonna bleach her hair, but whatever, I’ve seen worse. Although it is kind of less acceptable seeing that she is a cosmetologist and all. I still don’t buy her brother-sister act for one moment, but I guess her voice is passable enough. She does some little trill thing I’m not fond of, and once she gets going, she gets all belty diva-like. I am pretty sure if I hear more, I might dislike her more, because chances are, she will do that shit all the time…and hello? She totally had a dad and a step-dad there. Or at least a dad and an uncle. Just you and your little brother, my ass.

Vanessa Johnson
I don’t know I love this girl or if she scares the hell out of me. Once she starts belting out Etta James’ At Last (which I usually don’t ever want to see), I kind of love her. Except for all the pink, I would totally sing audition like this chick. Because I have zero vocal ability.

Because of this, and her natural exuberance, I actually like Vanessa Johnson. Obviously, we probably won’t ever see her again, but I still liked her mucho.

Some other crap happens…seems like there were a lot of people with doll heads.

Christian Spears
She had Leukemia as a child. And now she is 16. She is also singing some Etta James. We already know she is good and is going to make it as, she had Leukemia, we saw the inside of her house, met her mother, and she is closing out the show. OMG SHE IS 16. Kara spouts off some nonsense. Simon calls her brave.  I’m so utterly bored. She says she has yet to find a better feeling than winning the golden ticket and all I can think is uh, hello? What about the day you found out you were in remission? Or what about when you were out of remission? A golden ticket from American Idol is better than that?

I am so utterly bored. And I have to start the SOTU an hour late. Thanks, American Idol! And hey, did that Joe Jonas kid talk? I totally don’t remember.