ARE YOU READY??? It's American Idol: Season 9 (Starting in…oh please no, not Boston!)

Greetings my fair readers! It’s been so long and I’ve missed you so. No, I did not abandon you, I was just WORKING in Vienna for the past five days. And while I was chained to a laptop, I never had a single moment to come to my “other life”. The one that lives here…on this blog…but I’m back! And since I am STILL not quite finished with REAL WORK, it may be tonight another late night, however…better just do this thing now, shall we?

And if you want to see a bit of what I was doing in Vienna, and check out my new NON-AMERICAN IDOLS, please take a gander

As I hear the familiar music and see the all-too familiar scenes from last season (“The country was split??”), I remember that I don’t have any Percocet and I feel like I should take some prescription medication as a sort of black armband for Paula, ya know?

Seacrest tells me I should be prepared to be blown away by this year’s talent. Frankly, I am rarely “blown away” by anything on this show. I see that the weird-girl-in-hippie-dresses-with-the-dog-who-is-in-a-cult tries out again? And that Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi went a bit overboard on the Botox in the off-season.

This No, I’m the Next American Idol stuff is uber-lame.

Okay. The girls who yelled out they loved Kara did so without a hint of irony. I want to hunt them down and smack them around a bit. And then Posh Spice shows up. I know this may sound strange, as she stands for most things I despise, but I actually kind of LIKE Victoria Beckham. She is actually quite humorous

Janet McNamera
Pocket Full of Sunshine

First off, I have these Karaoke Revolution games, and I figured out how to beat them in 2005. And I have a terrible voice, but I can actually get a Gold Record on EXPERT when sing Britney Spears’ Baby One More Time. I also don’t wear shirts where my gut is exposed, but that is neither here nor there. Hey, I’m sure Janet is a very nice person and we already know where this is going…into auditory hell.

Since this is an obvious one, let’s check out Shit-For Brains’ Botox again, shall we? I never thought it would be possible for someone to look like more of a Madam Tussaud’s exhibit when standing next to Ms. Victoria Beckham but Kara has done what was previously thought impossible.

PROPS for Janet for continuing to call Kara Paula. Shit-For-Brains makes me hate her more with the constant I’m not Paula, I’m not Paula. Of course you aren’t, beeyotch. PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE PAULA!!! Go back home and shove another needle of nerve-paralyzing bacteria into your forehead and save us from your constant barrage of drivel.

(BTW, why, in all these years of American Idol, have I never seen anyone I’ve know in the audition rounds? Conventional wisdom would just make one assume…I mean…I can’t be the only one who thinks this, can I?)

Maddy Curtis
Hallelujah

Family footage + down syndrome brother + even more adopted siblings with down syndrome = we already know she goes to Hollywood. But kudos for the 16-year-old, whose voice seems is more classically trained than anything else, to say she is doing a Leonard Cohen song. I can’t hate on Maddy because she has a mature presence for a teenager, has probably never been in a pageant, said she was doing a Leonard Cohen song and oh, because you are not allowed to hate on anyone who is devoted to bettering the lives of developmentally-challenged individuals. I can, however, continue to hate on SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DIOGUARDI and her INCREDIBLE STATIONARY FOREHEAD as much as I damn well please. Hell, she’s an exception to the rule. Bitch could adopt a whole damned orphanage of malnourished autistic child lepers in a war-torn African principality and I’d still call her a worthless piece of shit and cry for my sweet, sweet Percocet Paula.

Simon basically says what I was thinking (i.e., she’s not annoying like most 16-year-olds) and she gets her golden ticket. Outside the audition room, her mother and two brothers greet her, one of which is wielding a balloon animal. The younger one seems is fascinated with Seacrest’s belt or something and YES OH YES I KNOW I KNOW I AM GOING TO HELL I PROMISE I WILL STOP I AM GOING TO HELL.

Pat Ford
Some show tune I don’t ever want to know oh wait it was actually Womanizer

The 17-year-old from Derry, NH inexplicably does not have a popped collar. I thought he was singing a show tune, but it was Britney Spears’ Womanizer. He also called Simon sassy. He is gayer than The Blue Oyster Club in Police Academy. Oh, and Shit-For-Brains can barely move from her entire neck up.

Three Non-Blonde Girls Who Can Sing But Probably Won’t Go Far Because They Are Grouped Together In Quick Succession

Jennifer Hirsh
I like her because she isn’t a toothpick and has brown hair and is jazzy. She can stay.

Claire Fuller
Can we say Casey Carlson 2.0? Her voice was dull and tepid. Cute face, mediocre vocals. Will be axed early on in Hollywood if there is any justice in the world. (Posh likes her voice, then again, Posh was never really known for her knockout vocals. That’s why they let Sporty handle most of the Spice Girls vocals. You know this by now.)

Jess Wolfe
I think I like her. Glasses! But was she singing gospel?

FIST PUMP! FIST PUMP! American Idol is pimping Italian-Americans! GUIDOLICIOUS!!

Amadeo Dericco
Amadeo is from Providence, RI — just like Jersey Shore’s DJ Pauly Delvecchio! I hope they are cousins and have big pasta meals together and fist pump while Italian dinner music plays in the background. Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi keeps trying to move her head, but it only bobs back and forth a little bit. She tries to get all Italian with Amadeo, which is just as annoying as when she would call Lil Rounds girl, even with her last name. I cringe when she says hell, yes, my fellow pizon, however, then Randy “Tits-on-a-Bull” Jackson calls him my brother, my pizon and I just…oh well, FIST-PIMPING GUIDOLICIOUS WELCOME PARTY waiting for Amadeo outside the door puts a smile on my face…as does the juxtaposition of little Ryan Seacrest standing amongst a gaggle of boisterous PIZONS.

No, seriously, America, do you get it? It’s abundantly clear now, isn’t it? No one wants to see desperate woman make fools of themselves in the hopes from getting a rose from some dude with a teeny roid peen and an alleged career in real estate. It is no longer cool to use IDF in the hopes of birthing a litter and getting a TV show out of the deal. No one wants to see reenactments of women who didn’t know they were knocked up. (Peggy Olson is fictional and therefore does not count!)  America wants to see people they might actually not mind waiting in line with for the toilet. They want Guidos, dammit. GUIDOS. AMERICA WANTS MORE GUIDOS!

I rest my case.

Derek Hilton
What Do I Have To Do?

Christopher Akins Blue Lagoon hair, a lapsed supply of Proactiv, and beginning with the statement, I’m a very spiritual kind of guy…plus the whole “filmed in and around the building” package…

Why did Randy Jackson call him baby? Ok. This guy is clearly a budding actor. He describes his voice as a cross between Chris Brown and The Eagles and says how he like how Chris Brown touches children all over the world. He sings through his nose. Shit-For-Brains still cannot move his forehead. Tits-on-a-Bull keeps looking at his Playskool watch.

The hopes and dreams of a bunch of other people are killed. I imagine most of these were the ones who probably had a fair amount of talent and were cut for the obvious plants or people with better sob stories, so it kind of makes watching the cry uh, SUCK.

Mere Doyle
Piece of My Heart

The self-described anime freak (I’ve already forgotten the actual Japanese word for this) has a “filmed in and around the building” package, that coupled with the “weirdness” (Uh, hello! Anime is WEIRD for American Idol! Weird! Bizarre! The judges think she is terrible and this makes Mere ANGRY, so..there’s some arguing. I’m bored so I nuzzle Oskar. (I’ve missed him! We’ve hardly had any quality time together since before Christmas!) Shit-For-Brains tries to be all Paula-esque and calls her sweetie, talks about how she wants to give her a hug. Uh, listen up, bitch. YOU ARE NOT PAULA!

Earnest Acoustic Males with Guitars, Sensitive Souls, Nice Pectorals and Trendy Knit Beanies Audition Quickie (Because clearly last year was fixed and Adam Lambert REALLY won, right?)

Luke Shaffer
The NYC-based waiter (re: actor-model-singer-do-you-want-my-headshot) is like the love child of Kris Allen and Silver Spoons-era Rickey Schroder. I want Eddie’s Toys to come riding in on his little train with a cigar hanging out of his mouth right now.

Benjamin Bright
Bright is an elementary school music teacher with a capella tendencies. If he weren’t so damned TAN, I would peg him as automatic frau bait based on his resume and clear ability to harmonize alone.

(Hey, has anyone else been distracted by the fact the this season’s American Idol backdrop suggests they are blowing up the entire Eastern Seaboard?)

Both guys make it. Shit-For-Brains jumps up and down with unbridled excitement with Bright gets the go-ahead, and I suspect he triggered something in her loins. Or she just desperately wants to move her face from the nose up and is trying anything at this point.

Andrew Fenlon
House of the Rising Sun

BTW, in case you really bought the whole “unemployed musician” story, this is the music of Andrew Fenlon. Fenlon acts like an asshole, the judges get pissed, particularly Simon and Shit-For-Brains. Tits-On-A-Bull and Posh are pretty much room decor at this point, as Shit-For-Brains tries desperately to become Simon’s new foil, as well as all sorts of RELEVANT.

You need a spanking.

You know what you need, songwriter-extraordinaire Kara DioGuardi? You need a big ol’ can of shut the frak up.

Did you ever have a girlfriend?

Do you really think people like hearing you talk?

Oh jesus christ. This year, everyone is trying to top that whole “dead wife” thing, aren’t they? Conventionally attractive male cancer survivor? Grandmother with Alzheimer’s?

OMG THEY GAVE KRIS ALLEN A REAL FORD COMMERCIAL

So I guess Alright With Me will be the second single? This is probably old news, alas, I’ve been away…

Thank you, American Idol, for making fun of collegiate music students who live down the street from me. It was actually sort of amusing…sort of…

Bill Bloom
You sang Kiss From a Rose so you could sing your last name right?

Michael Ryan
Aspiring musical-comedian who really isn’t all that funny.

Ashley Rodriguez
The Alicia Keys song I just want to DIE DIE DIE

Ashley has twice as many teeth as I do, but I decided I didn’t like her as soon as she began singing that GOD AWFUL ALICIA KEYS SONG which has earned a solid place behind Don’t Stop Believing, I Can’t Make You Love Me and I’m Telling You I’m Not Going and Julia Roberts’ laugh in the category of Things I Never Need To Hear Again. But Shit-For-Brains just LOVES her, which makes me hate her. She calls her COMMERCIAL. She calls her SULTRY. Am I the only one who thinks Shit-For-Brains talks entirely too much? I feel like I’ve barely heard any of the other judges speak. Tits-On-A-Bull-Playskool-Timepiece hasn’t even fully annoyed me as he usually does by this point because HE BARELY GETS TO TALK.

Tyler Grady
Let’s Get It On

Catchy name. Retro hair. Tight jeans. Two broken wrists, the result of injuries sustained when falling out of a tree. (This seems like a siren’s call to those remaining Jason Castro Frauen who didn’t jump on the Adam Lambert bandwagon, doesn’t it?) I feel he may practice his moves in a mirror while watching Oliver Stone’s The Doors, but I am enjoying Posh’s occasional fashion critique for whatever reason, perhaps because her British accent is so damn soothing — especially when sitting besides the grating shrill of Botox Bitch. Tits-On-A-Bull makes the Jim Morrison comparison. Uh uh uh, Randy. It’s the Val Kilmer rendition, not the REAL Lizard King. So obvious.

We now see a bunch of people who got golden tickets. I have no idea if we will see any of these people again, but they all sort of look the same, like people from previous seasons.

(If you’re live near me, you may have noticed the Massachusetts Democrats/Martha Coakley for Senate bought a We can’t afford Republican Scott Brown ad during tonight’s show. This is just a tiny bit ironic as Brown’s daughter was Season 5 contestant, Ayla Brown. Or I thought it was ironic…but I probably missed the pro-Brown ad, its gotta be equal…oh wow do I need sleep.)

AUDITIONS: DAY TWO

Lisa Olivero
Vision of Love

This chick’s North Shore accent is incredible. I love how they show her waitressing so she can say broccoli for whatever reason. They also allowed her to say Billerica, which reminds me of something…wait…hold on…jesus, I totally taught someone to say Billerica like that recently…it was a German or a French dude…or Spanish? This totally was while I was in Austria, I know it. I just cannot remember…OMG I want to go to bed. I am delirious.

It turns out Lisa sucks, even though they filmed her doing stuff off the premises.

Ryan Keane
I’m just waiting for a terrible audition to make me laugh, because none of them have done this so far. Billerica almost did, but I just like hearing the word Billerica.

Montage of people who suck donkey balls or are trying (and failing miserably) way too hard to make me laugh…

I feel sorry for Simon. He so wants out of this job. He also wants to cut Botox Bitch.

Mike Davis
Yesterday

Codzilla driver (why have I never even seen a brochure for this?). Heavy Boston accent (just exchange things ending in -a with an -er sound and vice versa). Looks a bit older than 18. Solid voice. Probably a tendency to shave weird things into his facial hair. Botox Bitch wants to hang out with him on the Codzilla. She starts babbling on about all sorts of nonsense. Actually, he should take her on the Codzilla because it would be so easy to toss her off when you’re going those high speeds. It would be a service to humanity.

Posh totally wants to cut her.

And people wonder why Simon wants to quit this dog & pony shit show? Poor Simon. Poor sweet Simon.

Tits-On-A-Bull has even had enough and follows Simon out of the room. Tits-On-A-Bull is suddenly becoming likable by default. He is now the lesser of two evils. Leaving that room out of sheer frustration at that nonsensical idiot almost endeared me to Randy fraking Jackson. This is either the worst jet lag ever or Shit-For-Brains DioGuardi just sucks THAT much.

The 16-Year-Old with a Sob Story Whom Everyone Goes Nuts Over

Katie Stevens
At Last

Don’t get me wrong, Katie Stevens has a great voice and I feel bad for anyone watching someone suffer from Alzheimer’s Disease, which I’m telling myself over and over again when I hear Katie sing At Last — a song I still think should only ever be sung by Etta James and retired entirely from wedding receptions. And I’m just so damn sick of the OMG SHE IS ONLY 16 people, especially since Alison Iraheta is the only one who has ever not eventually annoyed me. Oh. And I totally miss Percocet Paula, dammit. This show sucks without her. SUCKS.

Wait. Hold it. I don’t know if I can ever like this girl. She came with a cheering section of about 30 AND they already have FLAT KATIES. FLAT KATIES!!!

Joshua Blalock
Some country song which might be Brad Paisley because I think I once heard him sing something referencing Northern Stars?

Victoria likes his voice, Simon says it sounds like he is 14 and not 28. They think he might be too nice and make him practice his assertiveness by having him

I could see him in a new group that sings Spandeau Ballet kind of music…hey, so? I love that band!

Ok. Randy. When did you become semi-funny? And oh, wouldn’t the band he’s talking about kind of be Il Divo? Yes? No?

The tedium at which this show is…but coming up is an inspirational story of courage, and I am fading. Fading fast.

(Oh, MA residents, there is the Republican Scott Brown ad again. He’s talking from his kitchen.)

Okay. For the first time all night, I’m laughing. This dude and his rendition of All By Myself. That’s gold, I tell ya. Gold.

Now here is a couple that actually may actually have to clean more hair out of their drains than even myself.

Justin Williams
Feeling Good

Conventionally handsome. Twinkling blue eyes. Seven years ago, was doing mission work in Spain (Jesus Cristo!) and discovered he had cancer. (Dios Mio!) Possibly Mormon (Jose Smitho!) Obviously, Justin tried out last year but didn’t make it. The only thing I can rationalize is that he FAILED TO PIMP HIS CANCER. Perhaps he decided, after seeing like, some HEART HANDS and DEAD WIFE PHOTOS last season, that he needed to bring up the whole “I had cancer” stuff. I imagine he wanted to get by on the merits of his talent alone, I always have hopes for that, too, so I can’t begrudge the guy…but that hopeful naivite is probably why he only had a TINY bit of screentime…and only for a brief moment during Hollywood week, but then again, the other guy in the photo of him didn’t get much airtime either.

NOW FOR THE LAST 15 MINUTES OF THE SHOW WHICH I DID NOT WATCH UNTIL NOW

Norberto Guerrero
Everytime We Touch

I’m really not sure how you could sing a dancepop song by Cascada. Nor why anyone would want to look like LaToya Jackson. Nor why I have found Randy Jackson semi-amusing this episode. Or why am I becoming a legitimate Victoria Beckham fan. This season is just…bizarre because its so utterly NOT bizarre.

Bosa Mora
Sorry, sob stories. Bosa’s delightful Nigerian family is too adorable for words. I hate you, Shit-For-Brains, because you sound so stupid when you say things like star power. Posh, you rule. Idol producers, while I do love Rusted Root (Ecstasy was always their finest song), I do find it a bit cloying you deliberately put something with “ethnic drumming” to highlight the African dude. For whatever reason, I kind of love Bosa.

(The commercial breaks in this shit are excruciating. EXCRUCIATING!!)

Leah Laurenti
Blue Skies

We already know Leah Laurenti is going to blow the judges away. While I’m curious about her “cult-like” upbringing (ooooh, if she makes it farther, will she have a sketchy sect/church I can investigate??), the dress needs to go…maybe some bleaching trays…yeah, I’m being petty. The girl can sing. I like her voice. I like her voice a lot. A lot. I can’t really say anything bad about her. It touches my heart, not being able to say anything bad. Ooops. Yes, I can. She claims to be a BIG FAN of SHIT-FOR-BRAINS DIOGUARDI!!! I am going to just assume she is lying for the sake of gratitude and/or kissing ass.

Boston = 31