SYTYCD Top 16: Good Music with a dash of Mollee sucking — HOLLA!

Like me, the Goddess Cat Deeley would rather be watching V. She just has a slinky lizard-print dress and alas, I do not.

I barely remember these people and don’t even know who they booted last week since my Tivo boycotted all Fox programming on Thursday night for whatever reason. Mollee Moron and her adorable jailbait partner, Nathan, are still there. There is no Ade and his pick. Or Jeanine. They made last season bearable. Or Katee, Twitch, Courtney or Joshua. In fact, every week I just sort of think they’re all going to reappear, and this show will be as great as I remember it was in the summer of 2008.

Who the hell designs Crazy Mary Murphy’s wardrobe? Because I’ve seen that shit in every Old Time Photo shack across the U.S. of A. Season 5 is in the audience and I momentarily get excited…except Ade is SANS PICK and he’s sitting next to Powder. This is the part when I tell myself Ade’s Pick and Quatto the Mole are battling each other for my affections and will both arrive my window and woo me during the next rainstorm.

Karen Hauer & Kevin Hunte
Maria Torres — Disco
Come to Me (France Joli)

Ok. Um…TMI? Karen auditioned with her husband, who was cut in Vegas. They had been having problems for awhile but trying out for a reality dance show did not fix these issues. Not long after they went back home, their marriage was donezo. Well, I guess that sucks, but I never saw you guys together except in expertly edited footage from a few auditions so I really have no opinion on the matter. See, when your marriage is in trouble, don’t try for a babyfriend or try out for a reality TV show.

Did anyone else catch the deliberate poetic irony of the final scene from the rehearsal footage? Kevin leaves the room while Karen says, I guess I’ll just dance by myself. Someone with a camera must have gone to film school, me thinks. Metaphor! Karen and Kevin take the stage dressed as grapes. The dance is kind of sloppy, like a table Liza Minnelli and Bianca Jagger were sitting at in Studio 54. The rich are always careless with their blow. Adam Shankmann and Crazy Mary love their routine. I guess 1980s British Hair does, too. They know more about dance than I do, and while it was good, some parts of it still seemed…sloppy.

I’m bored. Oskar is bored. I think I have the pig flu. Moving on…

Ashleigh Di Lello & Jakob Karr
Mandy Moore — Contemporary
Relax (Frankie Goes to Hollywood)

Ashleigh is a NERD. She even interned for a senator. Ashleigh is my new favorite because I always favor the intelligent types who have sensible fall-back careers AND brains. Jakob is as queer as $3 bill and BFF with Jeanine Mason. They may be my new favorite couple. They are also dancing with a cane to Frankie Goes to Hollywood. YES SIR!!! WE HAVE A WINNER.

I wish Ashleigh was wearing a different blouse. It does not fit with the look of the entire piece or the couple’s routine. Fashion-wise, with the pirate blouse, they were going for a ringmaster vibe, I think, but it sort of came off more as an over-the-top rich bitch at the stables look than avant garde circus. However, they have some fun with the cane and as I mentioned before, Ashleigh is wicked smart and Jakob is BBF with Jeanine, therefore I LOVE THEM!!!

Shankman noticed what I saw–he almost dropped her. YES! Apparently, I have a keener eye than 1980s British Hair. They recovered nicely, though, and I love them. Crazy Mary yells some positive shit. Homegirl needs another drink and a Cochlear implant.

(On a side note, is it just me or does this Natalie Portman-Tobey McGuire-Jake Gyllenhaal Brothers movie look so damn stupid? You kind of wonder because of the cast, but…they’ve had some duds and I dunno, this just looks terrible.)

Pauline Mata & Peter Sabasino
JT & Tomas — Quick Step (OH NOEZZZ!!!)
Hey Baby (Shake those Hula Hips) — Big Kahuna & the Copa Cat Pack

Peter volunteers with special dancers. This will make it impossible to hate Peter. Ever. Pauline brags about eating all the time and not gaining any weight. I can’t really hate on Pauline for whatever reason, even though Peter totally kicked her ass on their little “things you don’t know about me segment”. Pauline can eat a lot of McDonald’s cheeseburgers. Peter helps the mentally disabled find newfound confidence.

JT & Tomas have choreographed some big band-esque, 1940s number involving the quick step and hip shaking. The quick step always bores me to tears, even though I clearly understand the technicality necessary to pull one off succesfully. The Hawaiian beach at sunset background is hilarious. I am hoping the hilarity is intentional.

I think that was cute. I should have paid a bit more attention, but I’m trying to finish up some work-work. Shankman also finds it adorable. Everyone screws up the quickstep. They often get eliminated. The quickstep is the kiss of death on this show. Shankman goes on and on about their performance, how it was adorable and charismatic. This doesn’t seem to bode well, but Crazy Mary thinks they pulled it off…sort of. She’s calmer now because her drink has been refilled. In her defense, she agrees the only train during the quickstep is a trainwreck. 1980s British Hair thought the storyline made the quickstep more accessible to the audience. He is probably right.

Kathryn McCormick & Legacy Perez
Andy Blankenbuekler — Broadway
I Wanna Be Like You (Swingin’ Fireballs)

Crying girl Kathryn has an annoying voice, which often bugs me. She also goes on mission trips. Ugh. Can’t we just go help people in other countries NOT in the name of that Jesus person? Legacy was going to be a professional football/soccer player when he grew up. I don’t think anyone is going to top Peter dancing with the special kids or Karen getting divorced after Vegas week.

I am intrigued by their choreographer. He looks like a rockabilly drunk who is fun until he gets belligerent around 1:30am. I bet he drinks whiskey and rolls his own cigarettes. His last name is ridiculous.

Their outfits and the set are adorably retro. I’ve always wanted to swing dance and spend a few months in the early 1960s. Maybe work at an ad agency…but not as a secretary. I want to have a swinging bachelor pad. I don’t care if I’m a girl. I want a swinging bachelor pad, dammit! I really have no complaints or criticism about the routine. Shankman also gets to say adorable for like the 15th time tonight, but he wanted Kathryn to be more of a maneater, as the Jungle Book song suggests. Come on! Kathryn is all innocence and mission trips. I don’t know if she can do that sort of thing…

The judges basically tell Legacy they want to hump his leg, but Kathryn is a big ol’ disappointment. 1980s British Hair calls her juvenile…come on…she’s not as bad as Mormon Moron Mollee! Does she have a pimp spot again this week? I can’t take the constant shoving of her down our poor throats.

Channing Cooke & Victor Smalley
Stacey Tookey — Contemporary
Be Be Your Love (Rachael Yamagata)

Victor used to be goth. He even looked authentically goth, not that Hot Topic shit. I think Adam Lambert stole his look? Channing (GO MASSACHUSETTS!) was a lawnmower racer. They’re doing a routine about a toxic relationship. Hot Topic is toxic.

Ok. Let’s just stop here. Their routine is to one of my FAVORITE SONGS. YESSSSS. Everyone needs to download Rachael Yamagata because she is phenomenal, and holy hell, her Duet with Ray LaMontagne is so fraking gorgeous. Anyway, I already know I will love this routine, even with the white rose  & falling petal background that’s straight out of a Summer’s Eve commercial. It’s beautiful. It delivers everything Stacey Tookey promised.

Shankman finds their new partnership reinvigorating. Crazy Mary and 1980s British Hair thought they were technically beautiful, but they weren’t blown away emotionally. Whatevia.

Ellenore Scott & Ryan Di Lello
Lil C — Hip Hop
Lost Boiz Anthem (Tha J Squad)

Ellenore has six different ethnic backgrounds. Ryan is an extreme sports junkie. But who cares? LIL C IS IN DA HOUSE! I love Lil C. I even follow him on Twitter. Lil C hopes they find their swagger, as Ryan is a trained ballroom dancer. Homeboy needs swagger. Not samba. At least not this week.

Ellenore and Ryan play hippity-hoppin’ bank robbers. Gangsta phresh homies, yo. Lost Boiz Anthem has shades of my beloved Dubstep. I would bet $20 I’ve heard this before while using a port-a-potty in the middle of Black Rock City. They make me want to have swagger. I wonder if I could hip hop dance. I thought they did quite well. They swagged. I want to swagg. I have ever since all the black girls tried teaching me the snake and how to double-dutch on the playground and my lack of coordination prevented me from ever picking up either. Oh, the memories of childhood we forever keep.

Shankman is impressed with Ryan’s swagger. I guess they only had a few hours to rehearse? Not sure why that is…did someone else get maimed and I missed it? Crazy Mary plays all unimpressed, says it was just good. 1980s British Hair does not think there was any swagger. He thinks it was horrible. I should have paid attention more. Nigel says they both failed and that they’re “too sweet” for Lil C’s hip hop. I want Shankman and 1980s British Hair to argue as there is an obvious disagreement between the two. Whoa. 1980s British Hair just won’t stop with his THIS SUCKED. Of course, the GODDESS CAT DEELEY turns around and says to Ryan & Ellenore

In a weird way, he’s also saying, You’re too nice.

I love our fair goddess Cat. She is always trying to stay so positive for the kiddies. LOVE HER.

Yuck. Moron Mollee & Nathan are going second to last. I recall them going last when I watched 2 weeks ago…come on now, stop it. I know the little girls like Nathan because he resembles one of those Twilight people. They are the chosen couple. Don’t even play, 1980s British Hair, don’t even play.

Mollee Gray & Nathan Trasoras
Gustavo Vargas — Salsa
Quimbara (Celia Cruz & Johnny Pacheco)

Why are we forced to see baby photos of this nitwit? COME ON. I don’t want to know anything about you, you irritating twit. And I still don’t like you, and I won’t feel sorry for you because you’re deaf in your left ear. Nathan is big into jet skiing (it’s WAVE RUNNING, dammit). I really hope Moron Mollee fails miserably at being “sexy” and “mature” this week. I want to kill her when she yells they will do MUY BUENO. Someone get her a muzzle. Oh christ, she says she is going to become SEXY-FIED MOLLEE. Shoot me now.

When they appear on stage, she looks like a complete moron. Awkward. Nathan can almost pull it off, hell, he looks more salsa than this twin could ever hope. She may be able to nail some of the technical stuff, but there is nothing sexy about it. Her facial expressions are ridiculous. This is a child playing dress-up. Sorry, but that salsa was decidedly mild.

YAY! Shankman hated it. Hated it. He calls it bad luck of the draw, but that’s just code for HATED IT. He even uses the word awkward (see above) and says it exposes all of their weaknesses. Oh, stop trying to tell everyone how they’re fan favorites and how they’ve been fantastic every other week. Keep Nathan. Lose Moron Mollee.

No, it wasn’t sexy-fied…It was french fried, I’m afraid.

Oh, Crazy Mary. I love your madness sometimes. And I fully support your need to wash down those french fries with a cool refreshing glass of Captain Morgan with a splash of Diet Coke.

Noelle Marsh & Russell Ferguson
Sean Cheesman — African Jazz
Frog Dance — Mickey Hart & Planet Drum

Noelle loves her brother. Russell is a talented artist — sketching, drawing, that sort of thing. I don’t know how Noelle & Russell have no clue what African Jazz is. I’m a little white girl from St. Louis. I figured it out. Choreographer is handsome in a if-Phil-Ivey-were-a-dancer kind of way.

I really wish Debbie Allen was judging tonight. I think she might just LOVE this. I’m pretty damn impressed. Way to end the show on a high note. Noelle & Russell as strong, the way they’re able to lift one another and flip the other over, yes, but they’re also just strong dancers. Yup. Definitely impressed. Great routine and they nailed it.

The judges find it joyful. There is characterization and storylines. The audience can identify! I bet Crazy Mary puts them on her Hot Tamale Train, since no one has been allowed aboard tonight, but that’s only because Crazy Mary hasn’t had time to lock up the booze (she has to keep a backup supply!) in the bar cart yet. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH. She’s screaming CRAZY GOOD. The booze on the hot tamale train is now secure. Let them board, Mary, let them board. OH YEAH OH YEAH OH YEAH CAN YOU HEAR IT NIGEL??

All aboard the Hot Tamale Train for Russell and Noelle. Quick! Grab a drink before the booze runs out. If you get lucky, you may even be allowed into Mary’s secret booze locker. Well, just wait until she passes out and gently take the key from her bra (don’t feel her up, just grab the key, ya sicko!). You know Crazy Mary Murphy keeps the key to her booze closet in her bra as well as you know your own name, so don’t even play like this surprises you.