I’m not a tard. But if I was gonna be a tard, I might tard over Kris Allen.
Yo, 19 Entertainment, Jive Records, all of you yahoos. Do you see what you’re sitting on here? This guy won American Idol without even showing the country one-fourth of his personality or humping anything. I don’t even like this damn show, yet I’m now in too deep with this stupid blog that I can’t stop. Don’t you see that I’m the type of bitter, hollier-than-thou asshat who considers myself above your stupid, manipulative tactics and shitty ass 1:30 karaoke numbers mostly of music I hated to begin with? (For chrissake, do I really need to hear someone else sing I Can’t Make You Love Me ever again?)
I will never make a puffy-paint shirt or slave over an inspirational (s)crapbook to give to some guy I saw on TV. I don’t squee and I don’t thud. I don’t have impure thoughts about men younger than me, especially those who are too young to remember Reagan. I don’t even pick up the phone and vote when you flash those (800) numbers on the screen. Let’s face it, although blogging about this shit show has done more for my writing career than interviewing Paul Rudd and James Cameron, or even getting a M.A. in Journalism, I hate it. I hate American Idol.
But had I never watched this nonsense or been told to write this blog by my old employer, I would have never discovered Kris Allen. I know there are a bunch of batshit crazy Glamberts who claim Adam Lambert is the key to opening up the hearts and minds to those “different” (uh…yeah…), claiming he changed their lives and “awakened” them (I guess that’s what happens when you have a hot flash during prime time television?). But what about people like me? Arrogant east coast liberal types who consider themselves above such low-brow mainstream television. Hell, we only like to admit we watch stuff like Mad Men. And Kris Allen, the clean-cut Christian boy from Arkansas with a young blond homecoming queen wife–seriously, do you know how much people like me hate that sort of thing–reminded me that I shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. That maybe this guy was actually really cool! And really talented! And probably more open minded then asshats like me. (I still liked him after finding out he’s a John Mayer fan. This is usually a dealbreaker.)
And the more I see of Kris Allen outside of the Idol bubble, the more I like this guy. He’s hilarious. I don’t even just follow Kris Allen on Twitter because I have to follow Idol people on Twitter because of this blog. This guy is the real deal. He’s more real than most people I know. In fact, he’s an original, even though he wears store-bought plaid shirts and doesn’t seem to wear foundation. Because he’s just being himself. And so few people ever bother being themselves, ya know?
So, seriously, Idol / Jive / 19E people. Have you guys come up with a strategy for this one? Because he might actually be the one male winner you ever have to make it outside of the scary little Idol world. He might actually be able to sell records and tickets to asshats like me. He might eventually be mentioned without the words American Idol in the sentence. Like, he plays how many instruments and has been writing music for how long? And OMG. He is funny. Like naturally funny (not unintentionally funny, like that Danny Gokey guy, for instance). Really, what’s the deal? Can’t you put him on a few more shows (come on, this guy would be sit-down interview gold with Conan, Letterman and Kimmel)? Maybe get him some random guest spots on Comedy Central’s Adult Swim, perhaps, totally good for street cred. Can you get him to sing at one of those improbably “all-ages nightspots” found on any teenage show on the CW? What about booking him for a set at Coachella? Or perhaps Bonnaroo? Maybe get him as the musical guest on SNL and even allow him to be in a couple of skits? For chrissake, put him on that Glee shit. Everyone loves that damn show. It’s like one of the only things idiots will watch when they’re not concocting sick fantasies about being tag-teamed by a werewolf and an emo vampire. See? The appeal of Kris Allen is endless. He could be American Idol and American Apparel. He’s the guy who might actually be adored by not only moms and little girls, but also frat boys and pompous asshats and gays and churchgoers and atheists, maybe even a few obnoxious Brooklyn hipsters. There are just so many things you could do with this kid, you know?
So just do it.