SYTYCD Top 20: Dancing just for fun doesn't mean your toes won't get all bloody

What’s the point of this nonsense? These people will be allowed to dance without the threat of being eliminated?

What’s the fun in that?

SYTYCD is taking advantage of the Yankees-Angels ALCS only going 6 games to give us an hour of dancing and the Goddess Cat Deeley. Of course, I think it may be for 1980s British Hair to tease the public with this “fourth judge”.

For all the hell Nigel Lythgoe gets, Idol was better with him at the helm. He may catch flack for his seemingly anti-gay humor (I think he’s just being British — Americans tend to take things way too seriously in the name of political correctness) but 1980s British Hair is a smart man. He knows everyone LOVES Percocet Paula! They’re probably gonna have to stock more Captain Morgan backstage now that Ms. Abdul is coming aboard, but yay for Nigel to showing Paula some love. Frak you, Idol. America loves kind-hearted crazy people, not those with a vocabulary limited to the words dawg and sing and phonebook; and SHIT FOR BRAINS who can’t get their numbers right and write songs like No Boundaries and Open Toes.

So now we know Paula Abdul isn’t one of the million or so Americans out of work right now. While I have a feeling she would be fine financially, I must admit, I do like me some crazy Paula on my crappy reality talent contests. I don’t want to buy the woman’s jewelry or anything, but I’m not looking forward to an American Idol (not like I actually anticipate that garbage in the first place) without Paula Abdul. I think Ellen DeGeneres is great, but hey, she’s no Percocet Paula.

I want to get drunk at a trashy, country & western mechanical-bull bar with Mary Murphy and Paula Abdul. This thought just came over me. Because it would be all sorts of awesome. We would have to have a driver, but that’s cool, because I’m a safety first kind of gal!

Back to this show…and the season’s first group dance!

Comanche (The Revels)
Wade & Amanda Robson

Sweet. SYTYCD is telling America’s youth that it’s okay to smokey-smoke. And Mormon Mollee Moron, I believe, looks like a painted on…

I’ve always loved this song, ever since Pulp Fiction. And I’m digging this group number because its truly a production. I’m also thinking tapper Bianca Revels is going to be a force to recon with in the upcoming competition.

Beggin’ (District 78 Remix) — Madcon
Tabitha & Napoleon

This week, they’re choreographing the three hip-hop dancers — Krumper Russell Ferguson, B-Boy Jonathan “Legacy” Perez, and Kevin Hunte. Whoo hoo. Russell Ferguson is actually from Boston. Not that I’m all about rooting for hometowners, but it’s nice to see a couple of kids from the area represent.

The routine is fun, energetic and all that jazz. Everyone is good, however, I dunno…Russell Ferguson seems to be a definite standout for me. I also wonder as to if anyone stuck money in their hats at the conclusion of the performance. People are crazy, ya know?

Oh wait…I spoke WAY too soon. All the cute sorority girls they bus in from USC came rushing up waving dollar bills. I bet that shit was counterfeit. Not because these three fine young gentleman don’t deserve the Washingtons, but ya know, this is SYTYCD, the sister show to American Idol...this stuff is as fixed as RuPaul.

Why do I often enjoy 1980s British Hair’s sincere enthusiasm? Why do I want NappyTabs to teach me hip hop dancing? Where is Sonya Tayeh? I miss Sonya.

Crying — k.d. Lang
Tyce DiOrio (Contemporary)

Nathan Trasoras, Jakob Carr, Channing Cooke and Ariana Debose are this season’s contemporary dancers. I thought Tyce Tyce “>DiOrio only did Broadway. Color me stupid. If he’s doing contemporary, where the frak is my girl Sonya??? Ariana notes Tyce is more a director than a choreographer. Dude. I totally thought a choreographer WAS a director…of dance.

People are running around in ripped, cream-hued garments to a k.d. lang song. It’s like a Massingil commercial where the chick not only loses her fresh feeling, but also her dog. Lovely, yes. But this type of contemporary dance is putting me to sleep. I want angry Sonya back! Tyce’s “sadness” dance is too overwrought with faux-emotive theatrics. It may be contemporary, yes, but it’s still Broadway.

But it doesn’t take my love away from Nathan and Channing!

(In case you were wondering, I’m saving the Mary-Murphy-Glass-Is-Almost-Empty game for the voting rounds. And HELLO?? So glad Paula gets to drink out of a transparent unmarked glass now! WHOO HOO VICODIN HOO!!!)

TAP IS THE NEW GAY

Take the “A” Train — Ella Fitzgerald
Derek Kaye Grant

Tappers Peter Sabasino, Bianca Revels, and Phillip Atmore–this season’s THREE tappers–are performing together with a brand new choreographer. I really have no idea as to why the tap contingency has been ignored for 5 seasons of SYTYCD. It’s tap dancing for chrissake. Remember Gregory Hines? That man was amazing. Saw him once, not long before he died. On my 23rd birthday as I left the Russian Tea Room. Gregory Hines was standing outside talking to two friends. He wasn’t tap dancing, but it was still awesome. RIP Gregory Hines.

Plus, everybody loves tap dancing. It makes people smile. It’s classic. Timeless. And hello? A Rastafarian was teaching them this routine. How is tap not cool? Forget about tap dancers, how bizarre is it that there’s never been a tap dance on the show. This is so refreshing after so many Massingil commercial contemporary routines. I like the tappers. And I’m really starting to adore Bianca Revels.

1980s British Hair still thinks its gonna be tough for the tappers, because the others can’t do tap…but they have to do everybody else’s style. Hey, color me stupid, but my niece has danced her entire life. She’s majoring in dance (and math) in college and she’s now taken up aerials. But until college, she was always, ballet/tap/jazz. It’s like the standard curiculum…so it’s not like these guys are going in with ZERO other dance experience.

(Anyway…you know that feel-good magical negro sports movie Sandra Bullock has coming out, The Blind Side? I kind of want to see it. I’ll wait until its on cable. Sometimes I like feel-good sports movies but there is no way in hell it’s gonna be better than the Goldie Hawn classic Wildcats.)

JAZZ HANDIES

Oh groan. Ellenore Scott, Pauline Tata and Mormon Mollee Moron show up for their jazz rehearsal with…

On a Cloud — PPP
SONYA TAYEH!!!

Sonya claims its difficult for her to teach girls how to be sexy when she’s not sexy at all. WHATEVIA. Sonya Tayeh is totally sexy. Because she’s Sonya Tayeh. And frankly, she puts out some of the most innovative and imaginative routines seen on this show. I also end up downloading at least 1 or 2 songs per season because I discover them through Tayeh’s routines.

It makes me sad Mollee gets to hang out with Sonya so soon. But the other girls are coolio for now. They managed to straighten Mollee’s hair…but she still looks idiotic. Ellenore and Pauline seem to move more naturally…it just doesn’t seem as forced with them…so they should stop giving Mollee excess solo moments. This is supposed to be a “sexy” routine, but her youthful (Utah) naivite is uh, definitely making her seem about 14-15-years-old again. Adam Shankmann thinks Sonya was able to make jazz hands and tutus sexy, which is uber-difficulty. He also thinks MMM danced with maturity. Meh. Have you noticed they’re telling them ALL nice things tonight? It’s all a ruse!

THE EXPANDED GUIDE TO CONTEMPORARY LIVING

And our second set of contemporary dancers take the stage, including Billy Bell, who was forced to drop out of the competition today due to illness. After reading the official statement from Billy Bell’s family, all I can say is GET WELL SOON. The poor guy. I really hope he makes a full recovery. It’s terrible, and hopefully, he will dance again and most importantly, return to his studies at Julliard.

Victor Smalley, Billy Bell, Noelle Marsh and Torture Tears Kathryn McCormick are paired up with Mandy Moore. Mandy Moore always seems so nice. I like her. She’s goofy.

Jesus christ. ANOTHER BLOODY TOENAIL ON SYTYCD!!!

I guess they’re doing…Viva La Vida?

Viva La Vida — Coldplay
Mandy Moore

There is a cheesy wooded backdrop. I think they are supposed to be forest people. Mormon Mollee Moron’s BFF Noelle Marsh is 20x the dancer MMM is. They keep doing those leaps and stuff. You know, that contemporary crap, yet I rally can’t begrudge their talent. I can’t do any of that stuff, not in a organized routine, anyway. And right now, I really don’t care what they do as long as I don’t have to hear Torture Tears speak or EGAD cry.

Adam Shankmann offers a nice history and explanation of contemporary vs. jazz styles. Contemporary is rooted in classical, while jazz is more about characterization. I like Adam Shanmann. Plus, he made Hairspray. Considering not only my black heart, but also my refusal to see 98% of anything featuring a noted Scientologist (Hey, it pains me every Sunday night to know Peggy Olson sipped the barley water as a child.), lemme just tell you how much I LOVE Hairspray. If you don’t like Hairspray, you suck as a person and at life. You probably all kick puppies and kittens.

BALLROOM BLITZ

Everything I Can’t Have — Robin Thicke
Jason Gilkison

Let’s gear up for a fancy threesome with ballroom/latin dancers Karen Hauer, plus husband & wife finalists Ryan DiLello and Ashleigh DiLello. This might be fun…or at least the inspiration for an adult movie writer/director or something.

Appropriately, we have the whole love triangle thing going on in this little ballroom number, which reminds me I know nothing about Robin Thicke except his father was on Growing Pains and I met him when I was 12. And now he does commercials hawking time shares on manmade swamp land in Las Vegas or something. I’ve heard this Robin Thicke is quite popular with the kids these days. He sounds like he’s aiming to be the adopted love child of Michael Buble and Justin Timberlake. But the song is kind of fun, as is the dance. And in case you were wondering, Ashleigh gets her husband Ryan back by the end of the song.

I don’t think Crazy Mary Murphy is busting out free tickets to her Crazy Captain Morgan & Vicodin Hot Tamale Train until the judging rounds begin, but she thought they were hot hot hot like Buster Poindexter.

Tomorrow night, this shit show returns for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Ugh. But…I think PERCOCET PAULA WILL BE THERE!!! So take two and read me in the evening.

I promise.