The Most Beautifully Fraked Up Idol Tour Recap of ALL TIME — DivaKalina in Pittsburgh, PA

To everyone else who sent me a recap, I love you. And I loved your recaps. But I can’t even compare them to this incredible shit show of an adventure because it’s like apples and oranges. DivaKalina’s Idol tale is straight up Fear & Loathing at the Mellon Arena.

It also offers almost irrefutable evidence about many Lambert fans never before seeing a gay male, let alone conversing with one.

Let’s begin, shall we?

My dearest Top Idol.

I know this may be a bit late (better late than pregnant) but I have to share my AMAZING experience at American Idols Live in Pittsburgh, PA.  I’m submitting this one-time exclusive review to you and only you as I feel you are the only one that can truly appreciate the rabbit hole myself and my friends fell through this fateful Saturday. I love your demented head. Pictures are attached to follow along with the high points of this shit show!

Let me start by giving the standard disclaimer, I am known as DIVA (it’s not a nickname it’s a social status) and I am not a HUGE American Idol fan, I could live without it.  I used Season 7 as a reason to drink during the week, much like Pittsburgh Steelers games.  This year, I got into it simply because I had a love for, sorry, Adam Lambert.  Actually, I wanted to hear him sing while I did a slow grind on his long freaky legs…like a little “Pocket Gay”.  Early on in the season, people all around me started making comparisons to my appearances and Adam Lambert’s — and I admit, there are times I catch myself in the mirror or I am photographed and the similarities are a little shocking.  As a matter of fact, one night we all got shit-canned in a piano bar and we had the whole place convinced I WAS Adam Lambert. (I’m 30, he’s 28 – I’ve been looking like a freakshow A LOT longer, ok???)

I was not willing to attend this show with my HILARIOUS friends unless I rolled in true DIVA fashion- meaning I wanted air-conditioning, Miller Light, and to meet these little bastards that call themselves American Idols.  So, my dear friends, Ali and Libby, met my list of demands and off to the Pittsburgh show we went.

We had to be there by 3 in the afternoon to be at the meet ‘n greet before the show, so being from the backwoods of PA we got there at 2 so we could finish the beer drinking we started at noon (I don’t condone road-doggin’ it, but this was American Idol so….).  We chose a private parking lot away from the throng of Puffy-Paint swamp donkeys that were lined by the buses so we could booze and pee in God’s eyes only.  By 3, we were pretty much toasted so we decided to head into the mass of people gathered around the Mellon Arena.

The moment I stepped on Mellon Arena grounds the Cougars. Went. BAT-SHIT.  I was approached immediately by one Coug that kept asking Libby who I was, finally she says:

“I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!”

“Who?” I asked.

“I SAW YOU AND ADAM IN ROLLING STONE MAGAZINE AND YOU TWO ARE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE!”

With this, I looked at my two friends (who are now red-faced and pissing themselves) and we all had dollar-signs in our eyes.  I then knew it was time to work the Cougs into a hot frenzy of Mary Kay and Aquanet.

I then explained to this simple Cougar that I was Adam’s boyfriend and she had to keep it down because I didn’t want to be mobbed.  She then asked to get a picture with me (the first of 150 I posed for that night) and to please pass Adam a note, which had her name, her daughters name and their phone numbers scribed on it…then at the very bottom it had very specific instructions for my boyfriend to leave them backstage passes at the will-call area.

The Coug broke her vow of silence and soon enough the whole place was worked into a frenzy.  I told everyone to please keep it down but Adam and I will be staying at the Marriot and going to the bar there for a couple drinks after show (if a rep from the Marriot is reading this, you bastards owe me a drink.)

People were asking for my number, to attend their bah mitzvahs, I got stuffed animals, Adam got stuffed animals, Libby and Ali had to eventually step in and act as my entourage to get the throngs of  crazy fantards off of me.  We promptly retreated to out Miller Light safety zone.

Soon came the time for security to usher us into the meet ‘n greet, but first they instructed us to not speak to the Idols, not pose for pictures with the Idols — basically treat them like Madonna.  I thought – LAME.  After signing autographs and posing for pics for an hour as Adam Lambert’s boyfriend I at least deserve to talk to the kid, or be his boyfriend.

We walked in and we could see everyone scurrying through the autograph line as Adam Lambert and Megan Joy whispered and pointed at me.  Libby, now ready to pimp me to Adam Lambert, placed her thumb in my back as we approached him and as I walked to Adam Lambert he stopped the line.

Oh Shit.

He looked up at me from under the brim of his hat and smiled at me and asked me how I was doing.  I know you all may hate to hear this, but I fell in love at that moment.  I heard Heart’s “Alone” in my head and pictured myself rolling around on that autograph table like I was that crazy bitch from American Beauty.  I also hate to say to y’all that when he looks at you, you know GREATNESS just looked at you.  He’s TO DIE FOR in person.  Ok…enough.  I responded “good honey, how are you?” and he said “good, good” and the security behind him (he was the only one with security) started shitting a Buick for me to keep moving. He then asked my name to which I responded DI-VA.  He laughed and asked if I was having a good night, I said I’m trying and motioned to the security now crying in their cribs.

Libby screamed from over my shoulder that she needs “a G. Damned picture of Adam Lambert and Diva”.  Adam explained, with some anger, that he had to stay planted.  I kept walking and after passing Megan, Lil, and Allison up in a daze, I heard Libby and Adam Lambert yelling for me to come back.
“You can get a picture!” Adam yelled.

Oh Shit.

I turned around and I straddled that autograph table like it was paying my frigging rent.  At this point security laid an egg and ushered Libby and I out.  As we watched the rest of the cattle call (and I do mean cattle call — I don’t think I’m God’s gift, but after seeing the other Bingo Hall Babes coming out of that room: I see why Adam and Megan were pointing at me), security approached Libby and me.

Oh Shit.  We’re going to be the first assholes from Butler to get kicked out of an American Idol concert.

We were silently passed an envelope which held five (the exact number of people in our party) backstage passes for after the show.

TITS!

We drank some more, greeted some more adoring fans, and eventually the show started. I was heckled by Cougs and Fantards the whole way through the show, and I was totally in the bag, but I will try to remember the concert to the best of my ability.

Michael Sarver: Was an amazing hype man to start the show, addressed the audience well and seemed to pump everyone up.  Don’t remember his set.

Megan Joy: LOVED HER.  She sounded ten times better live and with the experience she gained since the show.  She hit some notes that actually gave me chills.  The girl had balls.

These may be out of order at this point because I lost my marbles after my third trip to the beer stand and only two performers.

Diamond Lil Rounds: SO MUCH FUN!  She’s only a little Polly Pocket in person but she is ALL MIGHTY LARGE on stage.  She didn’t impress me at all on the show but she blew me away like I was in the back of a truck at a Gunz ‘n Roses show!  Totally acceptable version of “Single Ladies”!

Anoopi Dogg: Anoop’s parent’s were in the audience.  Love them so much better than Anoop, and they love me.  Anoopi-noop got boo’d…sad.

Scotty The Body: BEER RUN.  My friends said he was hilarious though, did a little stand-up action

Matt Giraud: He’s tight as balls to hang out with, did an impressive set and played some MEAN keys!!

Danny Gokey: BEER RUN.

Allison Iraheta: Allison, La Princess, is a firecracker on stage.  She looks the part, acts the part, IS the part.  (kind of nasty in person though, sorry Top Idol)

Adam Lambert: JESUS HIT THE MELLON ARENA.  I cried at how overwhelming his presence is, I laughed at how inappropriate it was that he essentially raped the stage with no Vaseline, I got the chills from the incredible notes he hit, I was jealous of that jacket he wore.  I basically went through every emotion in the book.  I went through menopause during Adam Lambert’s incredible set.

Kris Allen: VERY GOOD, but he followed a tough act.  I missed a little bit because I needed a cig and a beer after that sexual experience.

After the show, we entered backstage (with Mr. and Mrs. Anoopi close to my side) and partied with the Idols.  No, my boyfriend was not there.  The Cougs backstage asked me where he was and I had to explain he could not attend the backstage hangout session due to doctor’s orders (I have a head ok? I have Twitter, this wasn’t a lie!) so I filled in for Adam and posed with all the Desperates and the Hungrys and the Lonelys.  Everything was drunk and horny until we approached Kris Allen.

“Where’s your hot wife?” Libby asked.

Kris — who is as cute as a button but SO NERVOUS — begins to ramble.

Libby cutting Kris off: “Oh, Will you sign my cans!?”

Cue Libby (who looks like my mental little brother) lifts up her t-shirt and gives Kris a nipple slip.  Kris signed the jugs, shaking like a leaf the whole time and we moved on to corrupt Matt Giraud.

Matt Giraud noticed that I had a lot of jewels on and he asked me if he could borrow one of my bracelets.  I said hell yes and gave him one.  We posed for a pic and I got to see the existence of QUATTO THE MOLE. I loved Matty G, and he signed Lib’s sorry knockers like he’s never seen them before!

We then posed for a pic with Scott but didn’t really feel the need to talk to him, or have him sign the knock-knocks, so we moved on to Allison.  As we approached her we could see a Coug with her desperate hand-drawn poster of Adam Lambert sprawled out and she was writing her name and number on it.  Allison pointed out that I looked like Adam and she agreed and I grabbed the pen and scrolled DIVA and my phone number quite large across her poster.  Then said “There — give THAT to Adam Lambert”  The Cougar then busted into tears. Libby busted a gut. Allison got pissed that she had to comfort this Coug.  She refused to sign the cans and we walked away.  Megan and Lil ROCK and got a real laugh out of us drunk Butler assholes.

The amazing night ended back in a dive bar in Butler County, PA with a text message from Marilyn, the original Cougar to me that read:

Marilyn: Hi Drake, it’s Marilyn we’re at the Marriot where you told us to be. Are you and Adam coming down?

Me: We’re in bed.

Marilyn: With Adam????

That didn’t even warrant a response.  With that being said:

I am NOT Adam’s boyfriend, I wish them both luck and should he and Drake not work out he can hit me up though — my number’s on that hungry poster or any Pizza Hut bathroom stall in the Tri-State area.

BTW: The Cougs Still Love Me!

You know you want to see more photos, right? Like one of DivaKalina and the cougs:

Here is Libby with Kris Allen…yo, Diva, doesn’t your camera have a red-eye reduction functionality?

One of my favorites, DivaKalina with Anoop’s parents!!!! Love Anoop’s Parents! And pissed off assholes booed Anoop. His fraking parents were in the audience. Assholes.

DivaKalina and Quatto the Mole’s human vessel. Notice the bracelet.

DivaKalina meets his future boyfriend. Not sure what the woman in the back is doing…

And here is one more of Adam Lambert…just because I know what the people want

Thank you, DivaKalina. If only we had more time, we could go to an Idol show together.