Vote for the dudes man enough to wear blue nail polish: American Idol Top 3

Wow. This is the second to last week of Idol-recapping. I must admit, I am a tiny bit sad. Shhhh. Don’t tell ANYONE.

Simon is wearing is best-ever undershit tonight and Randy is going a bit understated, looking a bit less like Lamar Latrell this week.

Videos of the contestants’ homecomings…crowd shots…and let’s start with Gokeyoke, while I wonder why the contestants did not receive iPhones from AT&T.

Whatever happened to Terrance Trent D’Arby, anyway? I feel like Lenny Kravitz kind of took over his schtick.

Danny Gokey
Dance Little Sister

Upon watching the video of this song over at Idolator, I decided it was Paula truly giving a gift, as there is really no way Gokeyoke could frak this up. His voice is somewhat D’Arby-like and the song is full of “soulful” bombast and doo-da-doo-das, Gokeyoke’s speciality.

Dance like a chicken. Doo-doo-do.

This is completely servicable, in a sound-alike competition. I’m sure the judges will praise it as original and risk-taking…with SWAGGER. Of course, I firmly believe passable singing and shit dance moves does not an artist make. And yelling in tune doesn’t make for good music all the time either.

Randy calls it dope, because Randy’s vocabulary maxes out at about 10 words. Shit For Brains criticizes his dancing, Paula thinks he did really good. For chrissake, can someone just bang Paula? That could solve everything.

Some punching or some other nonsense goes on at the judge’s table. Simon, you bang Paula. Just get it over with. Get that woman laid. Everyone’s feeling the romance tonight, even Gokey and Seacrest.

I have no idea what is going on. Commercial break, then yay! Hot By Default!

Kris Allen
Apologize

Oh I love it. First off, Kara was on the bill with Randy for choosing a song. HA. Because you guys both suck and no one cares about your opinion. And secondly, did Hot By Default dip into Lambert’s cosmetic bag? Because this shit was filmed on Friday, before they shoot the Ford commercial, so…HA.

And would someone tell me why they didn’t get iPhones? I’m still perplexed.

Hot By Default takes to the piano. Somewhere in Michigan or on a press tour in NYC, Quatto the Mole is PISSED.

The arrangement isn’t different from the original, but I’m still not sure how much you can do with this song. Did you know Hot By Default also plays the viola? I used to play the viola, so you know, that’s cool. The viola is an awesome instrument, much like Hot By Default, it gets no love. As per usual, Hot By Default is good and obviously “feels” the music.

The Allen family smiles proudly for their boy…because even if he gets no love from the judges, they like him.

Here’s what I love about you…

Groan. Change his chip, goddammit!!

At this stage, you have to hit it out of the park…

Shit For Brains DioGuardi, you’re a twat.

You can’t choose a song for him, and then blame him for doing the song.

YES! Simon’s gonna knock her teeth out. AWESOME!! DO IT!

You’re gonna tell me about interpreting songs? Have you ever interpreted a song in your life? No, I don’t think so.

Shit For Brains is such a goddamn twat. Hilarious. I can’t believe Simon is defending HBD. Shit For Brains? Did it ever occur to you he might be doing acoustic guitar on his second song?

And interpreting a song? She knows about this sort of thing? The same woman who wrote some schlock called Red High Heels for Katharine fraking McPhee?

Lambert’s shirt…hmmm…I had jeans just like that purchased from Bebe in 2000. Back in my club days. Ok, well not quite, but kind of. And they were purple and sparkly, so I guess they’re not too much like them, but that’s what I thought of.

Adam Lambert
One

Kradam fans, rejoice! Write your sicko fan fic about HBD and Glambert having a slumber party with pillow fights and manicures in the Idol Manse! I will have to agree with Simon about One being an amazing song, but I didn’t feel that way until hearing the incredible duet version between Bono and Mary J. Blige. That just took the original to an entirely new level.

I’m not feeling Lambert’s version yet, it sounds kind of…well, I’m just used to the duet version mentioned above. While I appreciate the interpretation, I…well, this feels like something you would hear on the Jerry’s Kids Telethon.

Honestly, I would venture to say that’s the weakest Lambert performance to date.

Awwww…Lambert’s dad is moved to tears. And someone in the back is apparently in town from Boston or Chicago, which is the only explanation for their “clever” homemade signage.

You’re definitely still in the zone.

For chrissake already, change out his muthafraking chip.

I’m now listening to the Mary J. Blige / U2 version because I soooo did not care for that brilliant brilliant performance. Perhaps its because after you’ve heard this as a duet, you realize how much better it works with two people over One. Ironic, huh? (Now it would have been a KILLER La Princesa-Lambert duet, perhaps.)

Do I think Lambert deserves to go to the finale? Of course. He’s talented. But I just…he sometimes bores me in the same way that Gokey does, although I know he’s super talented. I just feel like I’m starting to always know what I’m going to see when he comes out on stage? Come on…anyone else with me?

Idol Gives Back update with Carrie Underwood (AKA Filler)

Ugh. I hate Carrie Underwood. And doesn’t this seem a lot like filler since there was no Idol Gives Back this year? Some hip-hop version of Toto’s Africa is playing though, which makes me happy, because I totally made up a dance to Africa in college. Not like a dance-dance, but like one you can do to the chorus when you’re sitting in the car. It’s fraking awesome.

For some reason, I just can’t take Underwood seriously when she asks a family if they’ve ever had malaria and they reply no, and she earnestly says:

Good. The mosquito net is working.

Like…I will totally chip in for some mosquito nets to prevent the spread of malaria in Africa, but there is something so damn robotic about Ms. Underwood that she can’t move me to even want to pay attention to her segment. Bring back Annie Lennox, dammit! That goddess had me in tears with my debit card out dialing that (800) number last year.

Danny Gokey
You Are So Beautiful

String quartet. Guitarist. I really hate this song, but whatevia. I’m a bit buoyed by the fact we’ve gotten through about 30 seconds and Gokeyoke hasn’t started yelling. I am, I really am, however, it’s hard to not sound like a wedding singer on one of the definitive wedding songs.

Oh, here he goes with the yelling-upon-the-pulpit! A bit more restrained than usual, swaybots are swaying…big note. Damn. Soft ending. Damn you, Gokeyoke! I wanted you to reprise the homicidal scream from last week.

You can really really really sing. Mad vocals, dude, mad vocals.

What happens when he combusts and starts sputtering nonsense? Oh crap, it may have been happening for awhile now. Just download the critical update into that man. Pronto.

Shit for Brains looks like a moron. Paula fawns all over him. Why does Paula want Gokey so badly? Simon thinks it didn’t need rearranging, but still calls it a vocal master class.

Yawn. I am sooooo bored. Gokey says he came out there with a fresh mind and a fresh heart. I’m just thankful Pastor Rolex wasn’t in the audience, although I’m bet he’s uber-pissed that AI Ministries chick had one of the Gokey tickets.

Kris Allen
Heartless

I was looking forward to this one more than any other performance. I totally admit it. Once again, Hot By Default Cannon Fodder does something really, really fraking cool. Like I might listen to the studio version to see if I like it…and buy it. I haven’t bought one Idol song this entire season.

I want to believe he’s drawn inspiration for the song from the M.R.S., no, not because I have sick & twisted fantasies about an attractive 23-year-old Christian boy from Arkansas, but because they’re soooo young. And I just want him to go out and get corrupted and get drunk and do all sorts of fun things with his newfound fame. Even wear Adam Lambert’s blue nail polish. Because I am a caring person, that’s why.

The Fray did this song? I had no clue. But Randy liked it better than The Fray. Or even Kayne West.

Why didn’t you do that with Apologize?

Why are you such a dumb bitch? You think the guy wanted to come out there with an acoustic guitar TWICE in one night? To be ridiculed for doing the same thing twice? Shit For Brains, you suck.

I do agree with Simon about Apologize being a lame song. Because it is a lame song. Simon has no longer written him out of the competition! Does this make him want to eat his words from earlier today?

This could all be very interesting…because if Gokey goes home, HBD could end up winning it all. On the same token, if Adam goes home, Hot By Default will be crowned the American Idol.

See? If you’re a nice, humble Christian boy who does fun things with songs and totally rooms with a gay dude and doesn’t bring up your faith, good things can happen to you. If Adam goes home, all his fans and the Kradamites will throw you their vote. If Danny goes home, you get all the crazy fundie votes.

Adam Lambert
Cryin’

Please oh please oh please let someone make fun of Shit For Brains calling this early Aerosmith last week. Ok. The arrangement of this starts off TERRIBLY. Going from the first lyric into the chorus? Come on! I know they have to chop this shit for time, but that is taking out so much of this song’s awesomeness.

Lambert can wail like the best of them. His octaves are insane. He’s talented. I think I say that about five times with each post, but this song isn’t doing it for me, either. I was definitely annoyed by the complete jump into the chorus from the opening line. And I still feel his performances are simply, well, performances. While he’s the most superior vocalist on the show, there is something always missing for me. While it was certainly better than One, I just…well, I’ve never been a fan of those who can hit huge notes. I think music is just a bit more than that, sorry. I think Lambert is very caberet. And its not that I dislike cabaret, I just don’t like it all the time.

The judges cream themselves. Nothing new. Everyone will see him in the final. And if he doesn’t make the final? He’ll still have one of the more successful careers out of any male Idol contestant even if he doesn’t win. Hands down. This guy is set.

Awww. Lambert plays nice guy and says how awesome HBD and Gokeyoke did. He is gracious. I buy his graciousness, and I always like seeing his family in the audience because I think they’re cute.

Wow. Tonight went by soooo fast, which is so unlike the standard weekly shit show. And by golly! We don’t know who is going home tomorrow!

Itsa nailbiter. Make sure yours are painted in blue. And when you think about voting, remember diversity! We only need one dude who believes in that whole Jesus-as-savior stuff for the finale. So choose wisely.

Get ready kids, tonight will bring ANOTHER TOPIDOL RECAP. Yeah, I know you’re soooo excited. Well, I am. Because my classically-trained vocalist/actor gaysian is coming over tonight and we’re doing a BONUS recap of tonight’s show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ll have to sit through it again, but this time, it will be with someone who knows a lot more about singing than myself. See? I always aim for credibility.