All you can do is pray for a quick death, which you ain't gonna get: American Idol Top 7 goes to the movies

Are you fraking KIDDING me?

Quentin Tarentino shows up and you people pick these shit ass songs to sing?

Seriously. While it won’t happen, I can only dream about Screech McQueen landing in the bottom 3 for choosing a classic solely for the fact he can screech through. Sorry, dude, but I don’t see how this performance will be different from Play That Funky Music or Satisfaction.

But come on. Of all the movies made EVER, you idiots chose these shit songs.

Mole Boy, I don’t even want to look at you or your mole. There is a reason To Really Love A Woman is the last goddamn thing I’ve heard from Bryan Adams. He does photography now, probably because that song sucked so fraking bad.

Right now, 3 minutes before show time, I’m declaring Hot By Default as tonight’s winner — and not just because he could be a closet TopIdol reader and is the only one of these yahoos to take my goddamn advice and sing something NEW and GOOD. (Which I doubt, but hey, I’m still proud of myself for totally calling that shit!)

Of course, La Princesa could also escape my wrath, as I wasn’t particularly wowed by Cook’s rendition of I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing last season. Yeah, screw you. I love that goddamn song, plus it also permits me to talk about Armageddon, my favoritest shit movie of all-time. Quoting Armageddon was really the only thing Sarver was good for on this show if you think about it, right?

(Yeah, Armageddon came on Encore the other night and I just had to watch it. Because I am super lame.)

Whatevia. I am seriously disappointed in you assholes for choosing such shit songs. You really think you’re going to be taken seriously in the industry from belting out this schlock? And Marsellus Wallace would hang all you ninkimpoops off a fraking penthouse balcony for this bullshit.

Ok. Done venting. Tarentino was hanging out on the stage and I got a little excited, just because showing up on Idol again is one of the cooler things he’s done in awhile. Because frankly, it’s kind of random in the grand scheme of things…even if it’s really not…

Randy is as useless as tits on a bull. DioGuardi is provocative? The bitch wishes. I didn’t know provocative was a synonym for totally sucks. What the frak is Paula wearing? Simon, it is confirmed no one on this side of the pond will ever inspire pure, unadulterated glee in you and that’s cool. I get it.

Hi, Little Stevie! If you’re curious as to why Little Stevie of the E Street Band is the audience, it’s because of his wife. She is a huge Idol fan, especially for Daughtry. I believe that is her to his left. But Little Stevie van Zandt is pretty cool. He plays with Springsteen, for chrissake.

Which is yet another reason I can’t believe these kids busted out these shit songs.

Gokey looks smug when meeting Tarentino. Because he always looks smug. Oh, Quentin, please be as critical as humanly possible.

Why does this pairing look so damn awkward? Yet, strangely, it somehow works.

Allison Iraheta
I Don’t Wanna Miss A Thing (Armageddon)

I do love this song. I do love Armageddon, but sweetheart, sing something NEW. Whatevia. I still love ya, kid. Oh come on, I think they’re using the same fraking string arrangement Cook used last year. Tired. But damn, I love this kid’s voice. Us husky-voiced chicks gotta look out for one another, that’s just how it goes.

How about a little fire, Scarecrow.

But what a shit arrangement. I know you guys have to shorten these songs because of time restraints, but come on, the arrangement blows. She sounds great, as per usual, but they rushed ring into the climactic middle way too fast. It all sounds rather rushed. I feel like she’s straining herself a bit when it needs to feel more effortless. Oh, I don’t know. But the song just didn’t blow me away. It was good, but she’s always good, so I’m just not, you know, not blown away. (Katie Couric is there, too?)

Paula compares La Princesa to Screech, says she possesses the same “special sauce” he does. Uh, ok…Ha. Simon calls her the “girl’s only hope in the competition” right now. Oooh, Lil Rounds is gonna shank his ass.

Oh sweet. That talk about the judging was true. Maybe it wasn’t necessarily Paula’s fault you guys ran over last week. Perhaps it was the dumb twit sitting next to her? Anyway, that was especially better because I didn’t have to hear Cougar From Hell or Lame Dawg talk. Can we just get rid of them altogether, pretty please?

Anoop continues to get screwed over. He is performing next. Oooh, Screech McQueen goes after him. Meh, big deal. It won’t make a difference.

Anoop Desai
Everything I do (I do it for you) (Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves)

Ok. Totally loving Tarentino singing the Bryan Adams which I loved when I was 14 and not all that much since. Let’s hope Anoop takes his advice, because this shit could be so fraking dull. He starts out “big”, well throaty, but it might have worked? His voice sounds pretty fraking good tonight, actually. He’s showing a lot of restraint and the arrangement isn’t half bad. It moved into the big climactic sequence in the right spot. That shit always gets screwy because they shorten these damn songs so much, so it’s nice to hear one finally work every so often.

Yay! Anoop’s buddies are in the audience! I kind of love his frat boy buddies for some reason. Oh yeah, because they hate DioGuardi. Randy tells him how much he underestimated him, but was oh-so surprised. He almost makes sense but I won’t give him all that much credit, b/c it’s Randy. Oh Jesus, Cougar From Hell tells him he has found his niche — pop songs with his added soul. This woman is such a twat. She thinks she can just box everyone into certain categories and I would she would shut the frak up. Even if she gave Anoop props tonight.

Oh Christ, Seacrest asks Anoop some lame question about who he was singing to. Yawn.

Adam Lambert
Born To Be Wild (Easy Rider)

My mother used to sing this song to me when I was young, in her attempts to get me out of bed in the morning. So I like it. But I really do not want to hear this bastard screech his way through yet another classic rock song in glam rock glory. Which is ironic, really, because I like classic rock. And I like glam rock. I also sometimes go to a damn good rock & roll drag show some friends put on every month at this shithole called Jacques. So I would just assume I would like Screech more than I do, but frankly, I can’t get into this dude.

Yes, he’s talented and granted, I am digging his stage antics a bit tonight. And he is screeching slightly less than I imagined. Yes, he is good. Yes, this performance is good. We know he is good. We know the judges want to hump his leg. Why not just end the competition now because no one else is going to win the damn thing?

He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain’t white boy day, is it?

By his on-the-knees, screeching finale, I suddenly loathe him again. Because he screeched and all the reasons I listed above. I like this guy, but I hate this guy.

You dare to dance in the path of greatness.

WTF, Paula? I like you and all but your quotable pieces of wisdom make me cringe at least once or twice every Tuesday night. Seriously, honey, will you be putting out a Paula’s Daily Wisdom Desktop Calendar next year? Perhaps as a free gift every time someone orders a piece from the Paula Abdul Jewelry Collection on the Home Shopping Network?

Fortune rewards the brave and you’re one of the bravest contestants I’ve ever witnessed.

How is he brave? Because he likes peen? Jesus christ. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?

(Hmmm…does anyone else think this evening’s judge-pecking order has been set up as such so Paula & Simon can judge the pimped contestants and Randy and Twatface can judge the ones they want to send home? I mean, we all know no one gives a frak what those yahoos have to say anyway, so…it’s a valid theory.)

Simon actually, gasp, almost-criticizes him and says it reminded him of The Rocky Horror Picture Show and that last week was more original and gasp, current.

(Yeah, bitches. There were lots of other songs to choose from, even from the shitty lists Idol hands you. You should have sung one of those, just saying.)

Seacrest just pronounced Don Juan de Marco in such a way that I feel the need to start sobbing on my kitchen floor while screaming WHY WHY WHY???

Matt Giraud
To Really Love A Woman (Don Juan de Marco)

Oh, Mole Boy. Sometimes, I do want to like you. And then you bore me to tears with boring ass songs I never wanted to hear the first time around. Seacrest does the bullshit stool interview probably because they’re setting up the stage so Mole Boy can play piano, of course, shouldn’t they have done that during the commercial break? Live television, people. Get with the program. But I will give Seacrest props, though, because like everyone else, he can’t help but be mesmerized by The Mole. In fact, I wonder if he keeps telling himself — don’t stare don’t stare don’t stare.

Hi. How are you? My name’s Seacrest, and I’m with the Cub Scouts of America. We’re… we’re selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.

Tarentino is actually one of the most useful and astute mentors I have ever seen on this shit show. Can we please keep him around?

Okay, Mole Boy, you’re a little shakey during those first few lyrics. Can’t explain it, b/c I know shit about musical theory and scales and all that nonsense, but something was definitely off. The swaybot gals in the front listlessly clap over their heads with an apathetic confusion even shocking for them. They are totally confused. I don’t blame them. That was a pretty damn weak performance. Randy agrees. Yeah, Lamedawg, that shit was pitchy.

Since Blind Guy is gone, Mole Boy seems to have become American Idol’s / Fox’s new Wolverine tie-in.

Even Cougar From Hell doesn’t have her typical Molegasm. But she still bugs me because the dumb twat continues to want to box in contestants and shits on him for doing another pop song, because he tried infusing soul into it and it just didn’t work. Oh Twatface. Shut the frak up.

Awesome! Danny Gokey is going FIFTH! Can we please vote him off now based solely on song choice? ENDLESS LOVE? Are you kidding me? Yeah, I’m 99.9% certain this Lionel Richie cover isn’t going to be another Hello.

Danny Gokey
Endless Love (Endless Love)

In the fifth, your ass goes down. Say it.

(Yeah. You know you were thinking it, too. But that’s why I got all giddy with excitement at his going fifth, okay?)

Okay. I am so about to piss myself right now. Some idiot Gokey fans in the audience can’t even make a proper sign on fraking POSTERBOARD. They had to buy another goddamn sheet so they could finish the word house.

I am somewhat buoyed by Gokey buying a guitar so he can have something to do on the tour bus other than read a Bible, so that’s cool. But I really wish the stylist would teach him about what makes a good jacket. Douchey isn’t wearing the glasses tonight and I suddenly want him to be in the Bottom 3 more than ever before because I can just hear all those idiots claiming LOOK HE DIDN’T WEAR HIS GLASSES AND HE DIDN’T GET AS MANY VOTES AS BEFORE. Yeah, because we all know there are lunatics out there that think that way.

Jesus, every time this bastard sings, I can’t help but think how desperately he needs a stool softener. He is either constipated or has a major obstruction down there.

Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years.

This pretty much sucks donkey balls. Just like his lame ass jacket and shiny white shoes. His voice also sounded like shit tonight, I mean, I guess the guy has an okay voice and maybe he could be good if he actually sang something good and worked on music outside a goddamn church, but that was just worse than usual. It was very hoarse, scratchy and on yeah, utterly forgettable and boring.

Oh yeah. And there was a fraking HARP. A HARP. Shoot me now.

It’s that magical place that defines you as unique and unforgettable.

Okay, Paula. That’s it. Cough up your doctor’s name because if you think that’s unique and unforgettable, I want those pills. I would be the happiest slag alive if there was a pill to make everything terrible and atrocious I heard sound unique and unforgettable. My goddamn cat has more artistry than this asshat.

Seriously, it must be the drugs or maybe her rhinestone halter is cutting off some of the circulation crucial to proper functioning of her cerebral cortex.

Oh snap. Good job, Simon. You were bored and brought up Cook’s awesome Hello. OH FRAK NO. SIMON NO! I get that you may still be a bit mushy after witnessing Ms. Susan Boyle but for chrissake, Simon. YOU JUST PIMPED THE DEAD WIFE.

SIMON PIMPED THE TRAGIC BACK STORY. WTF, dude, WTF? This guy sings a schmaltzy love song of this ilk every goddamn week. How the frak was this week any different?

Do you know what this is? Its the world’s smallest violin playing just for Danny fraking Gokey.

(Ah, shit. Fraking Not-So-Lil-Ass gets the pimp spot so she can stay in the competition. You people SUCK.)

THE GREATEST PART OF THE EVENING EVEN BEFORE HE SINGS

Kris Allen
Falling Slowly (Once)

Thank you, Quentin Tarentino. (And we all know there will be only ONE song from this evening where the original will make it back onto the Top iTunes Downloads immediately following, at least that is my prediction.)

I actually think Kris lived up to the spirit of the competition the most. He actually went to a movie that meant something to him and picked the song that was perfect for him.

Yeah. Exactly. (Suck it, Gokey.) That’s why I called this shit 3 days ago! And yes, I love this song, btw. I also adore the movie and the entire soundtrack. Hot By Default could totally frak this up right now but I don’t give a rat’s ass. He wins tonight. Hands down. Hot By Default has won me over this evening, despite looking too much at times like this worthless sleazebag I once knew. Despite being an Evangelical Christian. Despite being a fan of John Mayer. Despite making sometimes bizarre faces during his performance. Despite being married so young. All these things I typically hate…yet, he has won me over. He has truly done the unthinkable. Hot By Default should be going all the way to the end for a goddamn Kradam finale.

And yes. He is excellent. The best of the night. Did he change up the song much? No. That’s not the kind of song you change up because it hasn’t been overplayed for 10-20 years. It’s relatively new, and it was a different and distinct choice than the other contestants.

Oh for frak’s sake, Lamedawg. He wasn’t pitchy. YES! DIOGUARDI’S I-AM-A-GODDAMN-MORON MOMENT OF THE NIGHT!

Difficult to pick an obscure song like that, not that maybe everybody knows.

She may have given him props, but that obscure song won the Academy Award for Best Original Song at last year’s Oscars, so you know, Twatface, it’s not that obscure.

Lil Rounds
The Rose (The Rose)

Groan. I know Tarentino loves black goddesses, but Lil Rounds isn’t Foxy fraking Brown, even if she is wearing a lovely new wig this evening. That’s cool, but she still bores me to tears and frankly, even with her little gospel shakeup going on, I really do not see how this performance is a departure from all the other boring-ness she puts out there every week. Towards the end, she started to grow on me a bit more, as oh how dare I say it, it did feel a little more Mary J. Blige than wannabe Whitney, however, I still don’t think this chick is all that. Ooooh, and that was a weak final note. Once again, she cannot pull it off.

Naturally, Simon and Paula will be judging Not-So-Lil-Ass because she is one of the chosen few. (Who did Randy and Cougar From Hell judge? Anoop, Mole Boy and Hot By Default. Paula & Simon? La Princesa, Screech, Gokey and Not-So-Lil-Ass. Kind of obvious if you ask me.)

If I met Lil Rounds, I would probably like her. She seems like a nice enough gal. Hell, her family even looks a bit fun. But she’s just so very, very booooorrring!

Paula rattles off some more teleprompter nonsense. Please. Put more Captain in her Diet Coke because she makes more sense three sheets in the wind than when she does semi-coherently reading some bullshit set in front of her. Simon hands Lil Rounds’ ass to her (no small feat, I might add…), forcing her to speak up in her defense on how she DOES know who she IS as an ARTIST. She says she put R&B in it! Because you know, on Idol, you have to fit into a Lil box. She is begging and pleading. But Simon still thinks she’s dull and lifeless.

And Simon, I want to totally agree with you, however, YOU FRAKING PIMPED THE DEAD WIFE!

And sorry, Randy, on the recap, I still don’t see why you blasted Hot By Default. Maybe that’s what the producers told you to do? Not sure. But it was just more evidence I have in my never-ending quest to prove you have zero taste in both music and well, obviously men’s apparel.

In the final scene, the producers shoot one more time to Lil Rounds, imploring American with her eyes to keep her Not-So-Lil-Ass in the competition a little longer, despite Simon’s scathing critique. She may look sweet as pie, but I know what would be going through my head if I were Lil.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.

And then the cameras draw back, and I immediately notice that the only remaining Cool Kids on this show are standing together, their arms around one another.

And that makes me smile. If only for a moment.

Nobody’s gonna hurt anybody. We’re gonna be like three little Fonzies here. And what’s Fonzie like? Come on, La Princesa, what’s Fonzie like?