No Vacancy for Young Queers: American Idol Round 3 Results

Ah, the most arduous and arguably most excruciating part of Idol — the results show with GROUP SING.

Let’s introduce the judges, flash back on tragic back stories…how did I just now notice the B-roll shot of Nathaniel Marshall with the “No Vacancy” sign in the background. How auteur of Idol. Ha. Yes, Marshall is shot fuzzily with the No Vacancy sign in clear focus while the voiceover says, I’m one of those kids who have been through a lot.

Well, I’m hoping Idol makes a vacancy for Marshall in the Wild Card. And Jorge Nunez. Not so much for Cindy McCain and the tapeworm-swallowing Milkmaid Hooker McNasta-mera.

Since we already know two if the finalists will be Scott McIntyre and Lil Rounds, let’s take tonight to savor the beauty of Alex Wagner-Trugman, who we will probably not be lucky enough to see again. Sigh…

You have got to be kidding me. Group sing is Katy Perry’s Hot and Cold. This is so goddamn awful. I am tempted to shove about five Q-tips in each ear right now. If I look up, I will also want to scratch out my eyeballs.

UGH. Nooooo. Sweet Elder-Love teenager Arianna is sandwiched in between the Country Tyme Twits.

In an obvious effort to not have to choreograph around The Blind Guy (Bastards!), all the young dudes are seated on a sofa. And Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von Smith is sporting Maddox Jolie-Pitt’s hairstyle.

Ah, let’s for a moment, cherish the unique beauty of one Alex Wagner-Trugman. Sigh.

Holy shit. All the young dudes are chair dancing. They have choreographed when they cross their legs! And when they get on their knees! To a song that says you’re in then you’re out!

Oh Idol. You are sooooo homoerotic tonight.

Seacrest says we all need to watch the commercial because they have “stuck in a hidden audition”. Nice try, Idol. Of course, I haven’t hit fast forward yet. I know now Morgan Freeman narrates Visa commercials.

I’m already drinking a Diet Coke, Idol, sorry. Ok. What was the point of that audition? Was I supposed to recognize the chick singing “The Jeffersons Theme”? That was really lame, Idol, even for you.

Pointless recap of last night’s performances will only be worthwhile to watch the great Alex Wagner-Trugman and phenomenal Nathaniel Marshall. Because I have a heart, I feel kind of bad for Elder-Love Arianna. But my heart-felt feelings do not extend to Milkmaid Hooker or Taylor Zuckermann. Or Cindy McCain.

But I totally adore Jorge Nunez. The dude is genuine and I want him to stay on this show, he also has the kind of background you like to see on this kind of shit show. Lil Rounds may be pimped to death, but she’s good. And Scott MacIntyre is just really fun. Even if he is a fundie. He’s also a genius and has an amazing attitude, plus, the dude gets props for not pimping the fact he’s got some teacher’s kidney.

I can’t get behind of Felicia Barton. Not just because she is a fundie worship leader, well…ok. I guess that’s part of it. Well, mostly the part about her husband praising the Lord for bringing her a dentist and a new hairstyle. Jesus did not clean your wife’s teeth. Jesus did not do your wife’s hair.

Come Ju’not Joyner!! Play up that asthma! Make it your tragic back story.

Jesus, making Lil Rounds stand up first. This is so predictable. Go sit down on the other side, Lil. But Lil Rounds is good. I’m just curious to see what she sings in the coming weeks. But props for finally putting a black chick in the Top 12 this year.

Now they’re going to get rid of the losers, namely Arianna, Taylor Zuckermann, our sweet Alex, Cindy McCain. The last name they call is Scott MacIntyre and OMG ONE OF THEM IS THROUGH TO THE TOP 12 IT IS TIME FOR A COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Another shocker, I’m sure. Did you know we were supposed to see Stoner J sing his new song tonight? Yes. It’s called Love Uncompromised. But then things fell through, i.e., his overbearing stage mother Betsy Castro totally frakked it up.

I like Elder-Love’s Que Sera Sera attitude. She’s a good kid. Ok, hurry up and get rid of Taylor Zuckermann. Noooo…don’t get rid of the beautiful Alex Wagner-Trugman!

I’d rather lose being myself than win being somebody else.

Wise words from a boy genius. Sniff. Sniff. I’ll miss you, Alex, I really, really will!

Yay! Cindy McCain is going home! PLEASE do not bring her back for the Wild Card. Please oh please oh please!

Blonde Bimbo vs. Blind Guy. No contest.

Awww. Alex and Scott shared a sweetly awkward hug. Please let Scott dance with his walking stick now.

Damn. No dancing. Let’s just hope he does it over the next few weeks. Or sings Jeff Healey’s Angel Eyes. Christ, I kind of feel wrong when I request such things.

Oh please. Do not make Nathaniel stand up with Milkmaid Hooker. Milkmaid Hooker really should give up her dream of music and become a Vivid contract girl. It’s not a total loss because technically, her mouth can still make her famous.

Once they make Pee Wee’s Bad Kid Puppet Von and Felicia Barton stand up, I already know they’re gonna drag the shit out with Ju’not Joyner and Jorge Nunez. Because I’m super good at math!

Obviously, Jesus will bring Felicia Barton a spot in the Wild Card.

Awww…I want both these dudes to get through. Because the Top 12 needs some color, damnit! Plus, then Alexis Grace will look even MORE like Casper.

Of course Seacrest is going to go to a commercial break before announcing the final contestant. Because this is American Idol. And it is as predictable as the tide. OH WAIT. They totally faked us out. That was UNPREDICTABLE!

And Jorge Nunez made it! Yay for Jorge! Iraheta really needs to bust out her Spanish skills because Jorge is gonna mobilize the Hispanic vote. He’s also a dude. Dudes get more votes because Idol dudes get Frauen.

Now let’s hurry up and get to why we’re watching tonight’s fairly predictable shit show…the announcement of the Wild Card contestants. But first, let’s have a commercial. And let’s introduce the nine contestants who made it through already.

Whoa Casper!

And let’s find out the eight people who are coming back to sing tomorrow. Finally. Please. Please. Just get it over with. Since they brought all of them back, it’s supposed to be suspenseful. (I had no idea Jennifer Hudson was a wild card. I learned something tonight!)

Pee Wee’s Bad Boy Puppet Von Smith??

Simon wants him to wear a hat because he hates the Maddox Jolie-Pitt hair. Obviously selected because of his obvious Frau Factor.

OMG SHE’S SOOOO COMMERCIAL

Jasmine Murray??

(Take a shot every time Kara says commercial. Ugh.)

Ricky Braddy

Well, duh.

Meghan Corkrey

I would hope so. The competition’s only tolerable blonde actually has a pretty kick ass voice.

Oh christ. Another commercial break.

I think Randy is going to select Twatiana. Twatiana thinks he is going to select her. Twatiana is praying.

Tatiana del Toro

Twatiana is wearing the most god-awful dress. She is sobbing hysterically. It’s been one minute but I already want to shoot her, even if she provides ample entertainment value. But I am all for bringing her back so we can watch the inevitable meltdown when she gets her ass kicked to the curb.

Matt Giraud

Obviously.

Jesse Langseth

Okay, she was good. But I’m getting scared because I have neither heard Normund Gentle or Anoop Desai’s name called. And Ju’not Joyner will not be called. Ugh. Sigh. I can live with…

YAY! Simon saved the best for last!!!

Anoop Desai

Of course, I really think some good people got screwed. Jasmine Murray? Are you serious? You would rather see Jasmine Murray over Nathaniel Marshall or Ju’not Joyner? Von Smith over NORMUND GENTLE??

Sigh. No Vacancy for Nathaniel Marshall. Idol met its uber-gay quota for the season.

Of course, I just realized something.

Milkmaid Hooker and Cindy McCain are no more! And all those prayers did nothing to help Felicia Barton.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for the little things.