America Voted: Singing Tan Kids Out, but Malnourished Ghost Chicks & Bad-Dancing Bespecled Honkeys In

The American Idol results show. One of the lowest points in television history, although this one should be able to go down somewhat easier, as Kayne West and Kelly Clarkson will be performing.

Oh, Idol. I didn’t even discover Kelly Clarkson until 2005, but she is still the best thing to ever come out of this shit show.

Kara DioGuardi looks like a cougar at a funeral. The one who gets tipsy at the post-burial gathering and hits on your cousin Ted by cornering him in the hallway, breathlessly telling him I’m so soorrrryyy for your loss while steadying herself against the dead family matron’s favorite Thomas Kinkade.

Is the bitch shilling for Cache now? Or is she just pillaging Joan Collins’ garbage?

Alas. Joan Collins rules. And Kara, you are no Joan Collins.

Ryan talks about the OMG NEW RULE. The Judges’ Save. They can jump in and save a contestant who is unfairly eliminated, and no one will go home that week. But on the following week, two will be eliminated. Yawn. Already read about this today.

We get to see the contestants move into some super big mansion, so it confuses me that they’re forced to share rooms in a place with this much square footage. Granted, a lot of that was taken up by a couple of pools, a bowling alley, small stage and some jacuzzi tubs.

If this show wanted to actually be entertaining, they should really copy the UK’s Big Brother, utilizing the Fox Reality Channel after this shitfest airs, since no one ever actually watches that shit. That way, we can watch the contestants at night and see their true colors emerge under the reassuring glow of infrared lighting late at night. America will finally see what a twat Alexis Grace happens to be and maybe be can be treated to some Realist vs. Fundie battles, a la America’s Next Top Model.

I might actually watch that shit.

And tonight’s torture begins…with a medley of Jackson 5 hits!

Oh Idol, you are too, too cruel. 

Poor Man’s Timberlake and Jorge bust out some Jackson-esque dance moves to kick off the cacophony, handing it off to judges’ pets My-Ass-is-Not-Lil Rounds and Malnourished Casper Twat. Then Sarver and Gokey get into the groove. How much do you want to bet they pray immediately before they take the stage?

Gokey keeps trying to dance. The choreography is miserable, however, this is a constant of Idol Group Sings. I also want to hit myself for wondering why the cameraman didn’t zoom in on Scott MacIntyre during the lyric: Oh, darlin, I was blind to let you go.

Come on. You know you thought about it, too.

As the ambitious young Idols transition into ABC, I realize how awesome it would be to watch a Katie Holmes vs. Jasmine Murray Robot Showdown. I’m not sure what they would do exactly, besides be robotic. But it could be really funny. Every time I see either of them, I long for the warm, loving arms and wise, knowing eyes of a Centurion. 

Hell, Cylon Centurions had their inhibitors removed, giving them the power of reason. Which gives them the leg up on Jasmine Murray and Katie Holmes.

I really with the Centurions would storm in and attack the Idol stage right now because TBTB decided it was a really awesome idea to give Gokey a full-on dance solo.

Ok. Now they finally show three people I like…

…Before moving on to the dumb bitch who makes the residents of your nearest trailer park look like old money bluebloods.

The “hidden audition” nestled in the first round of umpteen commercial breaks was awww, Nathaniel Marshall. I hope he’s doing well. 

Ryan recaps last night’s shit show. I’m just hoping Jorge and Alison get to stay, despite DialIdol’s predictions. I’m trying to stay positive, however, since they have proclaimed ANOOP safe.

Oh who cares. Get this shit show going. I just want to see Scott MacIntyre driving in a Ford in the first of many horrendous Ford commercials and obviously, what exquisite jewelry Paula is wearing from the Paula Abdul Collection.

Idol contestants superimposed on buildings while forcing Freddie Mercury to turn over in his grave…Adam Lambert’s head on a car…way too much Malnourished Casper Twat…

Michael Sarver is safe…yawn…although this does mean I get a couple more Armageddon quotes in this season…

Uh, Noonan’s got two women friends that he’d like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to… bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that’s gonna work, but, uh, let’s see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week’s Emperor’s Package at Caesar’s Palace. Um – hey, you guys wouldn’t be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? 

La Princesa del Mariachi is safe! Yay! I love Alison Iraheta.

Please oh please oh please say Jasmine Murray is in the Bottom 3…YES YES YES!!!!

Poor Man’s Timberlake is safe…

Hot-By-Default Fundie Boy and Tattooed Mormon Joy are forced to stand up…our poor, sweet caw-ing beauty is in the bottom 2 with Miss Teen America Robot…and…

YAY! Tattooed Mormon Joy is allowed to stay and caw another week! Whoo hoo! (See, you guys really need to listen to Chris Kirkham and Greg the Rabbit!) Miss Teen America Robot is sent back to the Basestar…but she is forced to sing once more so the judges can decide whether or not they want to save her. Oh, come on. Like they’re gonna waste their one save on the first one to go. Paula will tell her she looks beautiful. Then they will say, bye bye, Miss Teen America Robot, go back to your Basestar. 

Oh, I was wrong. They let Randy do all the talking. Because Randy is black and so is Jasmine. My heartstrings almost get slightly pulled when Miss Teen America Robot starts crying and Seacrest tries consoling her, because frankly, I think its the most emotions I’ve ever seen either of them display. I’m waiting for wires to start popping out, repeated, monotone cries of does not compute, does not compute.

Yeah. Jasmine was a waste of that Wild Card slot. Told you. Now go give Ju’not Joyner a call to fill your quota. That dude deserved it. He took a cortisone shot in the ass for you, Idol! Oh, and I’m glad Jesse Langseth got sent back to Minnesota so you could have OMG SHE IS SO COMMERCIAL Miss Teen America Robot in the competition.

Whatevia. She’s gone. Moving on…I can’t really feel bad because she deserved to go home and I just want the kid to go to college and do good for herself. See? I’m totally caring!

I’m kind of surprised Kanye West is slumming it on Idol. I do love this song. The guy may be a pompous prick but he’s an innovative musical genius when it comes down to it. He’s doing okay, phoning it in, I guess. But that’s kind of better than 99% of everything on this crapfest.

I swear, idiot teenagers will scream over anyone or anything. It seems they’ve been allowed at the judges’ table because the judges are nowhere to be found (i.e., Simon needs a Marlboro Light and Paula needs to chase down a valium with the Popov Vodka she stole from Debbie the Stage Manager or Kieran the Light Guy, and this shit is taped beforehand).

I must say, I am enjoying how Kanye taunts and teases the teenagers without letting them touch him. Yeah, you best not be touching Kanye. 

Commercial break…

Scott MacIntyre is safe. (Please let him dance with his walking stick or drive next week. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE)

Obviously, yet unfortunately, Malnourished Casper Twat is safe. (And I realize the “Bottom 2″ will be Jorge and Anoop. Ugh. I hate you America.)

Gokey is safe. Duh.

Anoop, Adam, Jorge and Lil are left. Seacrest, of course, sends Anoop to the middle. Poor Jorge is toast. Puerto Rico should have voted harder.

Obviously, Adam Lambert is safe. F-A-B-U-L-O-U-S.

Whatever, poor Jorge still confirmed everything we knew about Idol’s shitty song lists tactics. Awww…poor Jorge knows he’s going home. Damn you, Idol. Oh, and I see you’re totally singling out the tannest dudes in the bunch. Was that intentional? Or did you just want to make us believe people listened to your bullshit critique of Anoop?

Anoop will reign supreme! At least for a few more weeks. I’m just pissed I’m gonna have to hear that god-awful Farmbot Underwood song for a SECOND time tonight.

RETURN OF THE ONLY TRUE AMERICAN IDOL!!!

Kelly’s outfit kind of sucks but I still love her. Seacrest admits to singing along to My Life Will Suck Without You…which leads into the evening’s requisite homo banter between Simon and Seacrest.

I totally love Kelly Clarkson and I totally downloaded her album yesterday. Her music speaks to me. Especially after a few drinks. It took me awhile to deal with this, in all actuality, but I eventually accepted the fact I couldn’t hold it against her she was on this shit show and that the majority of her songs are actually good. Four years later, I have completely come to terms with my love for Kelly Clarkson and will readily admit it. Plus, its a lot of fun to sing Kelly Clarkson karaoke with my buddy KB, who also readily admits to peeing in the shower.

Although I am totally wondering if she is getting fed her lyrics? Oh come on. Like she wouldn’t know them by now…However, check out the teleprompter(?) in this scene:

 

I am totally loving Kara DioGuardi watch Kelly up there on stage. Jealous bitch in her Joan Collins hand-me-downs. Yeah, it wasn’t you. You didn’t become a singing superstar. Get over yourself.

Simon gives a rare standing ovation, but he’s always been Clarkson’s biggest fan.

Now back to the two tan dudes being persecuted on Idol. Predictably, Anoop is safe. And I kind of want to cry for Jorge. Poor Jorge. Stuck with a shit song he never even wanted to sing. I would have liked to have seen him stick around a little while longer. And now he has to pack all of his things and leave the grandiose mansion

 

Sad, too. You know he was probably a super nice guy who even offered to show Malnourished Casper Twat all the amazing benefits of a little sunlight. And she was probably a total stuck-up snot to him. Then she ran off to the Jacuzzi to bathe in blood, as she does every evening.

Paula, dressed in her bordello finest and donning her best Paula Abdul Collection jewelry outstretches her arms for a final time, just as any good cougar would do when a young, nubile ballader is about to leave her embrace.

 

Paula and Kara should really think about starting up a Cougar Cruise, kind of like what Rosie O’Donnell did, but more like taking a ship full of cougars to the world’s most stunning ports of female sex tourism.

Come on, you know you love Paula. Who doesn’t love Paula?

But I kind of want to cry a few little tears right now. America, you are sooo racist.  

And Idol, you so screwed that poor kid with your shitty song list. I am so sending my army of Cenurions after your ass.

And then I’m gonna send Harry Stamper in. And he’s gonna drill. And he’s the bravest man you never met.