Phoenix Rising: American Idol #8 Madness Begins

Ugh. I guess I can’t stop watching this shit show now.

Let’s begin 3 weeks of crappy auditions from across the U.S. of A. (and the Commonwealth of Puerto Rico) by starting in Phoenix. Wow. Two full hours. Starting with a bunch of past clips! Oooooh! The Like A Virgin guy! Love him. Twin convicts. Check. The Hoff. Check. (Why didn’t they show the priceless clip of The Hoff crying when Taylor Hicks won?) Stupid crying girl Furl. Check. Sanjaya. Check. That trashy girl from Nevada who sang Taylor Dane. Check. Farmbot. Check. More Seacrest…

Seacrest blows. These AI peeps need to enlist Cat Deeley or AI Extra host J.D. Roberto as the ultimate Idol host. Those fine presenters can speak without a teleprompter. Seacrest is a real-life Ron Burgundy. 

Blah blah blah…last year stuff. Oh, I love that YouTube video with those little Mormon Eunuch fans, just b/c the one in the red sweater reminds me of me as a child. You can tell she thinks they’re all pathetic. She will grow up to be a writer and have a little blog where people call her Satan, of this I am sure. It takes one to know one, sweetheart.

More inspirational clips designed to make people think any dumb bastard in high school choir can become “the next American Idol.” Yeah, and that’s why they show the clip of Joplanta crying when Simon tells her how wonderfully talented she is. Ugh. Joplanta better not make it to the finals of this shit show.

FORD COMMERCIAL! COKE COMMERCIAL! I am already so annoyed. 

Paula fake makes out with that Kara DiGuardi chick. I don’t know why people want to get rid of her. At least she is entertaining. Unlike Randy, a useless idiot with little kid bracelets.

Audition #1 
Tuan Nguyen

Obviously, they chose him b/c of his bitchin’ fro and “ROTC” dance moves. You know he doesn’t make it because he has no back story. Tuan wants to be a combination of Britney Spears and Michael Jackson. Sure, he doesn’t have a good voice, but seriously, he wouldn’t have made it in front of the judges if he didn’t have the chongin’ fro. The dance moves weren’t that insane. He has nothing on the Like A Virgin guy.

Audition #2
Emily Wynne-Hughes

We already know this chick makes it to Hollywood. And oh! BACKSTORY WITH MOM. Come on. Like there is any suspense. Supposedly, Hughes doesn’t make it past the Hollywood round which already annoys me because she looks cool. She has funky hair, retro style and tattoos. This show never likes anyone interesting. She sings Barracuda. Whoa. What the hell? She’s gonna miss a European tour?? Fabulous…they’re gonna do the whole lame “breaking the news to the pissed-off band” thing they did with Greasy Constantine in Season 4.

Audition #3
Randy Madden

No backstory, “goofy” & wears Blu-Blockers. Obviously, we already know where this is going. Hmmm…his face kind of looks like vintage Gayken. He is crying. They are going to crush his dreams. But I think he’s just a guy with a good personality who made a bet at the office. DioGuardi is already shaking her head. If she didn’t write such crap music, I might like that chick. Oh, Simon, very cliche? This whole show is cliche. Judges argue, blah blah blah, this guy needs to work hard, blah blah blah…Paula tells Simon to shut up…blah blah blah…Dust in the Wind plays. Tears fall. The end.

Audition #4
J.B. Ahfua

Already hate his voice. And he’s singing something about impossible dreams. Wait. It got a bit better, not my style, but it got better. Wait. The song was about sex. J.B. had no back story, therefore I bet he gets booted the first day in the Hollywood round. Wow. He is verklempt. Wants to help his family, shares his joy with the room. 

Audition #5
Michael Gurr

Obvious cut. Especially b/c  it was set up with Jaws-like music (obviously couldn’t secure the rights from Spielberg) and glandular issues. Wow. This dude sounds like Gollum! He looks like he’s taking a crap! It’s Gollum taking a crap! Now he sings a “Kara DioGuardi song”. I had no idea what it was, but he still sounded like Gollum. Bye bye Gollum! Wait. Gollum is having a panic attack. 

Oh, I guess it was a Farmbot song? 

Audition #6
Will Kunick

YES! Singing the Gary Jules’ version of [Tears For Fears'] Mad World. And Kunick has a mullet. Nice. At least he sang a good song, even if he sucked. I give credit for originality.

Audition #7
D.J. Bradley

This guy isn’t as original. He sucks. And he sings Celine Dion / MeatLoaf’s It’s All Coming Back To Me Now.  This guy is a joke, but I bet he gets action from older men who have a Hayden Christensen fetish. 

Audition #8
Shawn Vasquez

Isn’t it a bit prejudice to group all the crappy-voiced-queens-singing-diva-songs together? Vasquez looks like the love child of a plumper Lamar Latrell (Larry B. Scott) from Revenge of the Nerds and Hollywood Montrose (Meshach Taylor) in Mannequin. He sings Dionne Warwick. (Side note: For some reason, I have always disliked Warwick’s voice. Especially the Friends song. For some reason, Dionne Warwick and Anne Murray I cannot listen to for a moment without yelping in auditory discomfort on a pain scale of 7). Keep your VOICE on the down-low, brother.

Audition #9
X-Ray / Aundre Caraway

He is enthusiastic. Or on copious amounts of blow or another stimulant. He is singing something called Cactus Baby and has bangin’ dance moves to go with his bangin’ stache. Why did he have that guitar? Aundre doesn’t want to leave. They send a burly security man after him. Not taking any crap this year. 

Audition #10
Arianna Afsar

Ugh. Annoying wholesome teenager wants to tug at my heartstrings for her  charitable work with the elderly (Help Adopt a Grand-Friend). Something like that is grounds for me to actually like Annoying Wholesome Teenager. Two notes out of Arianna and you know she is a lock. I want to know what toothpaste this kid uses. I don’t hate Arianna. Wait, she’s getting bubbly again. Oh, fine. She’s 16. I guess people should be bubbly when they’re 16.

Nine more people got tickets to Hollywood on Day One in Phoenix…wait, what happened to Gollum? They keep showing the same people over and over again. One thing I will say, at least they’re not trying to hide the fact these people have to go through several rounds to see Simon and Company. They’re in a hotel. Not Sun Devil Stadium. Hmmm…Kara DioGuardi is kind of bothering me. Wait. They tried the “big crowd” shot again. Who the hell are you kidding? 

Audition #11
Elijah Scarlett

So this is his real voice, huh?  If it isn’t, his throat is already hurting like a bitch. Paula just sounded him he sounded like a monster. Poor Elijah.

Audition #12
Lea Marie Golde

Fabulous. This chick is going to be another stalker chick.  But she’s an Annoying Wholesome Teenager, too! (Uh…a cross between Hilary Duff and Madonna)  She has a notebook of original songs/ Kara DioGuardi and wear lots of pink. Uh, oh…The only thing that is missing are the braces! Hmmm…something I learned from AI: Scary female stalkers wear pink. Lea Marie is going to some electro-pop song I hear at 7-11 on Friday nights because they’re playing some radio station broadcasting live from a shit club. This song reminds me of 7-11. Ok. She is better than I expected, but that’s still not very good. I don’t know what I was expecting. Oh, Paula, why don’t you seem more worried for Kara? She has a pink stalker! On Lea Marie, shut up. You’re 16. You have like, 14 more years to try out (or until this shit show gets canceled). Randy. Shut up with your “work it out”. Can your catchphrases.  

Audition #13
Stevie Wright

Awww, she was named after Stevie Nicks.  She’s singing Etta James’ At Last, otherwise known as the most tired-ass wedding song. Poor Etta James’ beautiful love song was ruined by a bunch of unoriginal brides with no souls. I saw Etta James perform in the summer of 2003 and she made fun of all you lame asses, so remember that when you’re trying to think of your wedding song. Of course, I know if you DO think about what I just said, you’ll just go with your second choice (a piece of crap all-around), Shania Twain’s From This Moment. Anyway…Stevie has a solid voice. And she’s a brunette who doesn’t seem like a dumb Annoying Wholesome Teenage Bitch. And she kind of looks like the bizarro world love child of Angelina Joile and Nancy McKeon. Stevie can stay.

Audition #14
Michael Sarver

Back story! You know he’s probably gonna make it. Oh yeah. They also showed the kids. Michael is a ROUGHNECK!!! A ROUGHNECK!!! Like in my all-time favorite guilty pleasure movie, Armageddon. This is kind of surprised me. I thought he was gonna do country judging by the accent and the shirt, but he sang Boyz II Men. Randy and the rest of the judges are also thrown off by this. Then Randy called him “dawg” and whatever truth he spoke with his last comment holds no more value in my eyes. It took 2 minutes, but I would bet $1000 Sarver already has crazy ass fans calling themselves “Roughnecks” on the AI and IDF boards. Godspeed, boy. Welcome to your very own Armageddon.

Scary audition bits without individuals’ names…blah blah blah…here comes BIKINI GIRL…

Audition #15
Bikini Girl / Katrina Darrell

You’re not that cute, Bikini Girl. You love Ryan? Have him get you a job at Sunset Tan. Yes, Bikini Girl, your body is nice, but not that nice. And you’re a borderline butterface. Bikini Girl is most likely a Maxim Magazine Hometown Hottie. And Katrini Bikini is singing a tired Mariah Carey song. Yawn. She is boring and she is wearing stripper shoes. Her voice is whiny. Katrini Bikini insults Kara DioGuardi. Paula gets pissed. Katrini Bikini rolls her eyes when Kara DioGuardi insults her. I like Kara DioGuardi again. But Katrini Bikini has a good butt and then goes to make out with Ryan Seacrest. She will go to Hollywod and get cut during Day One. She will appear on the Seacrest-produced shit show Sunset Tan and subsequently act as his beard. I am psychic. The end.

WHERE IS POOR LITTLE GOLLUM? Or did I totally miss that part?

Audition #16
Sexual Chocolate / Eric Thomas

You can’t call yourself Sexual Chocolate and expect to be taken seriously. No, Randy, no one has ever called you Sexual Chocolate. Wow. This guy has a tattoo that says Sexual Chocolate. Eric is 17 but it says he is unemployed. I hope he graduated high school. I can’t help it! I sometimes worry about the professional futures of teenagers who have the name Sexual Chocolate permanently imprinted on their body. Especially because his voice pretty much sucks. Wait. Why am I worrying about Sexual Chocolate’s career path when his mother is buying him a car. Wow. He has a beautiful mother. And his beautiful mother is going to go buy him a car.

Audition #17
Brianna Quijada

Often times, Annoying Wholesome Teenagers turn into Peevishly Perky Coeds. Brianna is a Peevishly Perky Coed. She is singing the ultra-perky Let’s Hear it For The Boy originally by Denice Williams and made famous on the Footloose soundtrack. Brianna is 22. Footloose is older than Brianna. Brianna sounds exactly as I thought she would sound. Brianna will go home in Hollywood. She will have a warm sorority house to go home to and she will remain perky. Ugh, even though I was peeved by her perkiness, I kind of warmed up to her by the end of her audition. Sometimes they cry and it thaws my cold heart. I think these are some of the the subtleties a friend once told me about, how they made this show compelling. And like last year, its always those subtleties that draw you in. Even when these “subtleties” aren’t exactly, uh, subtle?

Audition #18
Deanna Brown

Deanna has a bad blonde dye job and looks like she could have been the third actress to play Becky had Roseanne stayed on the air longer. But her voice is rather compelling and they always give them makeovers in Hollywood. David Cook was the second coming of Flock of Seagulls when he auditioned and now he’s dodging crusty pink undies on stage. Give this chick some makeup tips, some new clothes and keep her off the peroxide. $50 if she makes it to the semifinals / finals, they try to brand her as the “cute country blonde”. This show is so predictable. Yawn.

Audition #19
Cody Sheldon

Oh for frak’s sake. It’s the second coming of Danny Noriega! Jesus. Unnecessary cut scene to Stupid Crying Girl. Cody likes to make horror movies, therefore, Cody is probably not a real sociopath. Danny Noriega is losing fantards as we speak. Danny Noriega will receive no further donations to his special “Project Fund” created to finance his “future entertainment projects”, granted it probably wasn’t going to go over $35, anyway. Cody Sheldon is more talented than Danny Noriega, although they kind of look alike. At least this kid seems more genuine in talent and personality, and is most likely not a budding sociopath. 

Audition #19
Alex Wagner-Trugman

Upkazia. Zimbabwe. Canada.  This guy rules. Simon just called him gay and Paula is wearing yet another pair of glasses. Alex still likes Simon. I like Alex. Sometimes life sticks me in a metaphoric moldy closet so I get where he is coming from. Whoa. I did not expect Alex to sing James Ingram. Or have pipes. His dorkiness is compelling. I like smart people. Simon just thinks he is ugly. This guy’s likable geekiness is going to snatch up the fallen Claymates and some of the Taylor Hicks’ freaks. But Alex is smart. And he has a moldy closet to run to when the fantards start running towards him. 

Here’s the part when they make all the people who suck sing the same song…Crazy teenage stalker in pink chick got to sing by real-life cacti scenery. Gollum! Gollum, honey, I missed you!!! I hope you’re alive, Gollum!

Audition #20 (The BIG one…remember, this show is predictable)
Inspirational Blind Guy / Scott McIntyre

Ok. This guy is cool. Whatever. I’m a total sucker sometimes. Holy shit. He’s a genius. Two geniuses on Idol. This can’t be real. So what that he’s blind. He can sing. And he’s a genius. Smart people are never on Idol. I always root for the smart people. WTF. Seacrest just tried giving him a “high 5″. How Biden-esque.

27 golden tickets were given out in Phoenix. Blah blah blah. Agreed about the less shitty auditions being better, though. I would want to shoot Bikini Girl but she’s not long for Idol World. And tomorrow night, in KC, the younger Castro brother goes to work in the family business!