Randy has fans. Fans with friends who grunt on Seacrest.
Top Idol is back! My computer lives! I can suffer through two hours of Randy Jackson tributes, brand new Ford Fiestas, and foggy memories of fallen contestants right along with you. And yes, I actually did watch last night. I even took a photo, because I mean, the woman with the gimp foot grunting on Ryan Seacrest was sort of the high point. But Kree Harrison and Candice Glover and the rightful two in the finale, even if I really don’t care who wins. Oh and OF COURSE Sir Anthony Hopkins wouldn’t miss this “spectacle” for all the fava beans & chianti in the world.
But I even watched about 20 minutes of the Idol Red Carpet since Jim was doing it. And then a blond woman talked to someone who I thought might have been Psy or Bruno Mars, but it turns out it was Stefano Langone! I totally forgot about him, and that girl Aubrey who is going on this year’s tour, and probably 3/5th of the dudes who were sent home 6 months ago. That Evan Lysacek-a-like Paul Jolley could have stuck around longer I still contend. Alas. Nigel Lythgoe would not give him a guitar. Apparently, the 5 Top 10 guys will be singing with FRANKIE VALLI tonight. Beauty School Dropouts, every last one of them. Just kick them when they’re down. Come on, Jimmy Iovine, you couldn’t even get those two Black Eyed Peas with No Names to harmonize with the lot?
Oh American Idol. If only you were still relevant. You’re piping in Don’t Stop Believing on the Idol Red Carpet like its all, 2009 or something. Oh 2009, the enormous high before your steady yet precipitous fall from public consciousness and pop culture.
At least everyone is still wearing white. I’m Glad You Came. Yes, yes they are. Even if fewer and fewer of you were showing up every week. It’s really not a good thing when it takes me 35 seconds to remember the name of Burnell Taylor, who was actually pretty good. But the dancers all clad in black, well, this is a nice paying gig so lets give it up to them. The judges walk slowly, not because half of them wear towering stilettos, as this will likely be their final entrance onto the Idol stage in this capacity. We see Taylor Hicks. And Bo Bice. And the most ruthless and manipulative villan in all of American Idol history—Danny Gokey. Idol cannot even decide on the hashtag it wants you to use, switching between #idolfinale and #idoltop2 within about a minute of one another. Shall we count the hashtags tonight?
The Band Perry + Janelle Arthur
Done
These yahoos confuse me. Honky tonk head-banging hipsters with a wannabe milquetoast pageant-queeny Pink singing lead. And their name, I mean, I understand what you’re going for here because its your schtick but it gets at least a quarter-body eye roll from me. But its a good pairing for the erstwhile Miss Arthur, as their performance is a lot of spastic, breathless shouting while darting from one side of the stage to the other urging everyone to put their hands in the air. Also: #TheBandPerryOnIdol.
Hashtag count: 3 (13 minutes)
I spoke too soon! #IdolSabotage! Investigation Discovery-worthy dramatizations of WHY DID FIVE GUYS GET ELIMINATED IN A ROW?! This is why they were putting Kree Harrison in blazers. Rather than just coping to producer manipulation at keeping any WGWG around past the semi-finals, and stocking the decks with 4 out of 5 being NO QUESTION ABOUT IT gay and non-white, its all blamed on the girls drugging them and stealing blazer style. Kree is all, good luck on The Voice, gentlemen.
Frankie Valli + Anything With A Penis
Frankie Valli Medley
And so this introduces the boys, humiliating them ONE LAST TIME by sticking them with Frankie Valli in some sort of malt shop medley. It even requires them to Walk Like A Man, which isn’t very manly, but it is okay, because there are suit & tie-clad backup dancers suffering through it, too. Curtis Finch, Jr. (Yes, I have to type them into the tags section so I can remember their last names) introduces Frankie Valli who gets everyone—including an enthusiastic Keith Urban—into a rousing singalong of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You. We are then lead into the theme from Grease, which should make everyone hope John Travolta is in the audience trolling the 5 Guys for a new masseuse, which I also assume he does regularly at 5 Guys Burgers so see? Everyone is happy.
Since you sat through that, now sit through one of the greatest renditions of Can’t Take My Eyes Off You of our time.
MERMAID MIMI STAGE SHOW
She gets her own pedestal and wind machine. Her breast feathers dance. She sings a medley of her most famous ballads while GLORIOUS LAMBS sway behind her, poster board signs of adoration in the air. As the chorus of Hero swells, a full-on gospel choir emerges from the darkness. In all honesty, this season of Idol have given me an unrealized appreciation for Mariah Carey. She made being nice a helluva lot believable then her predecessor, La Lopez, and that one gets a lot more acting gigs. But I mean, Mimi, well, she would have made being a Maid In Manhattan believable, ya know? Anyway, We Belong Together is kind of a nice song. I’m really digging the message. And since tonight should bring a bit of Idol nostalgia, let’s all remember the cover of a Mariah Carey song I never liked but totally bought the download of when it was done on the show. This really should have been released as a single.
Emili Sande + Amber Holcomb
Did I miss Frankie Valli’s hashtag? #EmiliOnIdol (FIVE NOW FIVE). While Amber wasn’t my favorite contestant, she wins the season hands down if this was a fashion competition. And Emili Sande’s look is BANGING. Want. I kind of like Amber, as she reminds me of a chocolate Jennifer Lawrence and THIS IS NOT AT ALL OFFENSIVE. Anyway, I guess Candice sang this song last week but I could only sit through about 40 minutes of last week’s performance show.
They came. They saw. They got Ford Fiestas.
FORD FIESTA MISSION MEDLEY
As I might have watched 2 results shows, most of these Ford Fiesta “missions” are new to me, but they got to play soccer with the cars one day. All the contestants offer up a stilted thank you to Ford, leading us into the FINAL Ford Fiesta Mission, where Kree and Candice show off their Hometown Mentors—they invite them to the finale, which I REALLY hope means airfare was included AND they get free cars. #IdolDoesOprah! I kid, I kid, that one didn’t happen. Candice’s grandmother gets a Ford Fiesta! Kree’s buddy ___ gets a Ford Fiesta! The trip was worth it AND they’re going to meet those California Emission standards. It will all be fun until they have to pay the taxes on it, which totally happens on game shows so it must happen here.
Psy
Gentleman
So this happened.
So why didn’t they have Lazaro Arbos perform with Psy? They could wear twin capris! LASERS LASERS LASERS IRONIC HIP-SHAKING. DIGITAL FRENZY. BOXER BRIEFS. MASSIVE CONFETTI. COMMERCIAL BREAK.
Keith Urban
While Keith said he does not know if he is returning to the show while on the red carpet, I think Keith Urban was a decent enough judge. And he has such a warm smile! And he and everyone in his band have such deliberately swept hair and he sings about wanting to sing a “chill song.” Perhaps Idol thought if they put a WGWG behind the judges table, no one at home would seem to notice the difference. WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS SOONER? I knew all this vinyasa and meditation would do me good.
Jennifer Hudson + Candice Glover
Inseparable
This is a lovely pairing, isn’t it guys? Throwback R&B, a la The Time Life Body & Soul Collection. Do you think JHud explained the Weight Watchers Points System to Candice while they were rehearsing? Just because she IS their spokeswoman and she would probably be speaking to everyone about it. And you know how Idol goes, hell, Carrie Underwood used to have recognizable arms when she was on the show. Friendly dueling of the glory notes and Nicki/Randy/Mariah batting their hands in the air and a glimpse of Candice’s adorable extended family leads into a trailer for Man Of Steel with Kevin Costner voiceover—which ALSO reminds me of a very special story I have for the 12 people still reading this blog, alas, it cannot be posted until the holiday season. Doesn’t that just pique your curiosity? Are you going to rewatch the Man Of Steel trailer to look for clues?
Adam Lambert + Angie Miller + Jessie J
Titanium / Domino
First, I thought this song was called BULLETPROOF. Second, and most importantly, WHAT IN ALL HELL IS THIS DUET? The gay guy and the Christian girl? In any case, Adam Lambert totally outsings Angie and then introduces “Angie’s idol” Jessie J, although it might be Susan Powter. Oh Angie, if only you had a soul, if you had a bright shining light of grit and gumption under your blinding teeth and uber-toned 19-year-old body. But it doesn’t matter much since Jessie J. just invited Angie to the UK—TURN HER INTO A GODLESS WOMAN JESSIE J.
Whew. I just looked at the time on my computer and it is 9:13. It could be worse. It could be 8:45.
LET’S ALL TALK ABOUT THE JUDGES BECAUSE WE DIDN’T DO IT ENOUGH FOR THE LAST FIVE MONTHS
American Idol’s continued focus on the judges continues to be one of its glaring problems, but it would not be a finale without the contestants giving off of them a tongue bath. It’s a bit of a roast at times, particularly Burnell Taylor discussing the finer points of what happens when Keith REALLY gets into hearing the contestants sing.
It feels special when he says it to you, but when he says it to everyone else after you…you feel kind of stupid after that. — Candice Glover, on Randy Jackson’s declarations of In It To Win It.
That quote just sums up everything, I really don’t need to pay attention to everyone wearing Nicki Wigs, but this happened and it was mildly amusing. Devin Velez! You were fun. We hardly knew ye.
Devin Velez. You are funny.
Keith Urban + Kree Harrison + Randy Jackson on Bass
Randy’s dawg paddle off into the sunset seems pretty low-key, no? Paula Abdul is not there performing a Marilyn-esque serenade or anything like that. And where the hell is the current incarnation of Journey? Oh anyway, I spoke too soon before that commercial break and when Ryan Seacreast started quoting Ryan Lochte—He totally JEAHED. You know you heard it, too.
Riccardo Tisci, right?
#RANDYGOODBYE
It starts with dogs barking and gets its own hashtag and You’ve Had A Bad Day soundtrack. And apparently, Randy did some bizarro Tyra Banks directed photo shoot where he looks around intently while wearing a red blazer and sauntering down some stairs. Besides the hashtag (Number 6? Social Media Team was SLIPPING. They were definitely napping.) and the dogs, all of this seems like its desperately harkening back to the glory days of Idol. Meanwhile, back at the Nokia Theater, Randy has slipped into something more comfortable—obviously a blazer Riccardo Tisci crapped for his The Dawg’s Big Bye Bye.
DUDE. SEACREST. Never call anyone my brother with implied gravitas EVER AGAIN.
ARETHA FRANKLIN. VIA SATELLITE.
The Queen of Soul is going to sing with the Top 5 girls. Via Satellite. Not hologram. Satellite. WHERE CAN I BUY MY MOTHER ARETHA’S MUUMUU? It pretty much is Aretha singing and everyone else doing backup and Randy Jackson acting like he’s sitting in a church pew with kidney stones. #ArethaOnIdol! Glad you woke up, Idol Social Media Team. Granted, I would probably get fired if I had your job because I would be all #ArethaMuumuu. I bet she gets them custom made, as The Queen of Soul would NEVER buy off the rack. I once read Mariah Carey tosses her La Pearla underwear after one wearing, which may or may not be true, and even if it is will always be less offensive than anything Jennifer Lopez does. Speaking of…that bitch is going to take one of the last performance spots, isn’t she? For an album that’s not even being released until later this year? Again, since I have yet to do so this season—who the hell is Jennifer Lopez’s agent and what kind of dirt do they have on everyone in Hollywood?
And are they singing KREEDOM? Because it sure sounds like it. Aretha did that like it ain’t no thing. Now find me her muumuu maker!
#idolauditions (is it 7 or 8?) HUH WHAT NO TIME TRAVEL IN YOUR MOTIVATIONAL PACKAGE FILLER EVEN MENTIONS LEE DEWYZE. Anyway, that whole thing was to announce this year’s auditions and the opening of ONLINE AUDITIONS. Hop to it and you, too, can be the next Lee DeWyze.
(Can I just grunt things for the rest of this post?)
Kree and Candice are now color coordinated in red & black and feign excitement over getting Ford Escapes. We then hear Philip Phillips’ new song Gone Gone Gone which seems very much like a PP song. At least KEZ BAN and ZOANETTE get a little screen time. Why the hell aren’t THEY at the finale? Because that would have been TOO GOOD. This whole package is probably about 4 minutes and it takes us through the entire season and if I had only seen these 4 minutes, I would not have missed anything.
Bennifer. Never forget.
Jennifer Lopez + Pitbull (I totally thought he said PICKLE)
Live It Up
Ok. I just can’t. Jennifer Lopez uttering motivational quotes over a PowerPoint while Pitbull (BULLSHIT. That is Billy Zane.) stands in between some fake circus girls just posing with trapezes. Live It Up is one of the most disposable, unmemorable pieces of BROADCASTING LIVE FROM THE CLUB ON A SATURDAY NIGHT shit I’ve heard in some time. There is no discernable difference between this and any other song Jennifer Lopez has recorded in the past 5 years, even if she’s not sitting in a giant shoe. (And no, Idol Social Media Team. No it did not.)
So then Candice and Kree put on really nice black evening gowns and sing about longing for a man they’re still in love with, or maybe it is about still being in love with themselves, but it involved a house and a key. It would have been easier to pay attention if I were not hungry and sitting in the same spot for the last two hours, and if it didn’t feel like a tepid tribute to It’s A Living.
This is like attending a funeral but it turns out, they just won’d die.
JUST TELL US WHO WON—I’m guessing Kree, by the way, just because America is often racist when it comes to the penal system and televised singing competition. But they both look really pretty and they get to keep all their clothes, so that’s nice. BUT YAY! I was wrong about American being really racist this time. #CANDICEWINS
And I’m not really sure what this all means, but I thought it best to leave you with it. (And is Candice’s song about God? She kept looking upward. Do you guys think this was originally Angie Miller’s song?) Suggestions for something else to blog about are GREATLY APPRECIATED.
I have no idea what’s going on. — Towlie. And me.
So I missed last week. But that doesn’t really count, ya know? Because there are still FOUR GIRLS in the competition. And American Idol is still pulling its desperate tricks to be talked about—now we’re sending Candice Glover to “personality training?” Shockingly, the contestants will be singing SONGS FROM 2013 tonight, but…the only bright spot is the appearance of my all-time favorite Idol mentor—Harry Connick Jr.—which also means its time for STANDARDS.
Angie Miller
Diamonds
Does Angie know this song is about MDMA and not Jesus? Angie misinterprets Harry’s obvious disgust with her as DRY HUMOR. I mean, Harry has to be nice and all, but its not as if Angie even knows any of Harry’s original songs, even when they ad lib one on the spot. I just want to watch Harry Connick Jr. be Harry Connick Jr. for the next two hours. Angie sits at the piano and turns Rhianna’s ode to most everyone’s favorite club drug into like, a Pina Colada. It really may be impossibile for Miss Miller to fully connect with any piece of music. And the song doesn’t really go anywhere. Where’s the bridge? This is a bunk pill. Someone sold us aspirin. Even the judges are like, we did not start rolling. Angie’s like half a 5mg Adderall. Little buzz and you might talk a little more, but it ain’t Ecstasy.
Amber Holcomb
Just Give Me A Reason
Ryan referring to Amber’s dad as “not shrimpy” confused him, too. Amber forgets the words to a song that would be great if it were Pink and ANYONE ELSE BUT THAT GUY FROM F.U.N. but Harry doesn’t care. He hears brilliance in her humming. And frankly, her rehearsal snafu sounds a hellavu lot better than when she actually takes the stage knowing the words. It’ve sung into my bedroom mirror passionately and maybe even one time in tune. Amber is all sorts of lost. She stiffly shakes her hips to the beat and occasionally searches for a clue by looking at members of the band or some far-off audience member or camera. Her father doesn’t even look pleased. Nicki likes her jeans, find her performance completely disconnected from the lovable girl she was forgetting the words during rehearsal. I just now realize Randy is wearing possibly the reddest sportsjacket I’ve ever seen. Amber basically says she’s not having fun and didn’t feel like learning the words. I don’t have fun listening to F.U.N. songs, either, but hey, Pink is awesome! I would really like this song if it wasn’t Nate Ruess signing it. Randy says she needs to be stellar. Mariah agrees and uses her hands a lot. Not sure what Keith was listening to whatsoever.
BTW, there is no reason anyone should be ignoring Haley Reinhart when she’s sitting in the audience.
Candice Glover
When I Was Your Man
Harry points out that Candice, is in fact, not a man. Candice wants to be a storyteller. Harry has never done this without changing pronouns, and he’s not a pop singer. Candice says she’s not one either. CANDICE IS THE BEST SINGER YOU GUYS. I don’t even have to hear her performance. The swaybots are totally confused, they’re not sure which way or how fast to move wave their hands in the air. Candice doesn’t hold back. Candice sings with feeling. Candice’s family has matching Candice t-shirts. Candice does not have a bum note. I don’t care if Candice was singing about being a man. Candice is the shit. Randy says Candice can sing anything and is proof of his belief that if you can sing, you can sing anything. Mariah tells her she’s great, Keith says girls sing along with the song, so why can’t Candice? Nicki commands a delayed standing ovation and tells Candice she must have lost weight. Are they kissing her ass because Nigel leaked that ridiculous story?
Why, yes. She IS the ONLY singer in the competition.
Kree Harrison
See You Again
Kree says she needs to CONNECT with the audience, which is interesting (and I did miss last week) because she connects better than either Amber or Angie and it doesn’t seem to be bashed over her head. Harry covers for not really knowing this Carrie Underwood song, so he might like Kree’s version better than the original and says he would record with her. In order to better help KREEDOM connect with the audience, Idol employs the use of a WGWG and a really stormy sun that kind of looks like a vortex. I realize most of tonight’s songs belong on a really sad cheesy mix tape. In any case, Kree connects with the song so I’m not sure if people are just distracted by the potential vortex projected behind her, because she actually infuses whatever she sings with passion through meaningful eye closures. Keith thinks it should have been a power ballad as is the original Underwood version, but everyone else seems to think its fine. Nicki’s all like MY KREEDOM and I just shove more Pirate Booty in my face. We’re going to ignore Idol trying make #inittowinit happen, btw, in any case HARRY CONNICK JR wanted to come out on stage and congratulate Kree because he loved her song. See, Keith? Neither Harry nor me nor Nicki care if it wasn’t a power ballad because we don’t even know the original song.
Angie Miller
Someone To Watch Over Me
Remember the saying truth in jest? Yeah. That’s what I think about when I hear Harry “comically” dissing on Angie. He advises her not to sing any notes that are not in the chords because it is a perfect song just as is. Angie smiling and smizing throughout ruins everything for me. This is a sad, somewhat haunting song about yearning for a love that may or may not be there. And that last note was completely unnecessary, the way it was phrased, the way she belted it. While its a bit rote at this point, that performance was ALL PAGEANTRY. Keith tries to figure out if there is any depth to anything Angie sang and asks her why she chose it, yet he thinks it was beautiful—accept for the 3-chord ascendent ending. Even Angie giggles nervously when Nicki calls her a DISNEY PRINCESS just to piss off recent Disney Princess Mariah, who then starts mimicking Nicki under her breath. This is all so stupid why am I even watching this right now, but it ends with yelling and Nicki whipping out Q-Tips yelling at Mariah to clean out her ears.
Amber Holcomb
My Funny Valentine
Harry: Let me stop you, what are you singing about.
Amber: …A guy…I guess he’s being funny.
It’s embarrassing for someone to admit they don’t know what they’re singing about, says Harry, you need to go Google it. But Harry has a soft spot for Amber and explains a few things about Lorenz Hart and then commends her. Usually I’m a fan of Amber’s performance outfits but she’s really letting me down tonight hell, this “elegant pants ensemble” resembles this horrific thing I wore when I as a fat 12-year-old in my sister’s wedding. Hey sweetie, its spring. Lighten it up. This is a much stronger vocal than that shit she sang the last round and she also manages to sneak in a Mr. Roboto dance and gets her strong proud papa to get all teary eyed. It’s also soooo much better than when that Constantine Maroulis sang it back in Season 4 or 5 or maybe it was 3 I don’t remember. And Amber earns a standing ovation because they figured they may as well do the 7th inning stretch. Amber is cracking. Nicki thinks its because she doesn’t think she has fans. Amber is probably just sick of this shit show. Randy thinks she made believers out of the people who “love her but were on the fence.” Oh Randy. I would curse you for being a complete idiot right now if I didn’t have THE SAME PROBLEM RIGHT NOW. Ryan points out that this is REAL RAW EMOTION on live TV. I would slap Ryan for being an idiot, too, but real raw emotion is something entirely out of his wheelhouse, especially since he’s the guy responsible for the Kardashians and once executive produced a reality show about a Beverly Hills tanning salon.
Harry believes there’s no reason to hit high notes at the end of standards because there’s a reason they have endured and are referred to as standards. Thank you, Harry.
Candice Glover
You’ve Changed
Candice completely nails a heartbreaking Billie Holiday song. And doesn’t hit a gratuitous high note at the end. Everything about it is pitch perfect and I want to cry. And then Randy says IN IT TO WIN IT and how Harry is all full of shit about singers doing runs when all you have to do is FEEL the song. Um…the logic of Randy calling out Harry for this sort of belief is—I don’t even know where to begin. Mariah is adorably excited about Candice being so damn good, and we’ve now gotten to the opposite of the Lazaro situation where Nicki is just not saying anything. So essentially Candice Glover is beyond judge reproach because she’s that good, yet sadly, she won’t win this damn thing because life and especially American Idol is not fair. Its not as if any of the other contestants are really, truly GROWING throughout the competition, either, so the likelihood of say, a Kris Allen over Adam Lambert victory isn’t going to happen because someone happens to peak at the precise time it matters. For the most part, the rest of the crew is still chilling at base camp.
Kree Harrison
Stormy Weather
Harry does not want Kree to take the melody away from a great tune. This man IS the show. The judges can’t figure out whether or not they want to bus Kree and her interpretation of the song, so they just decide she spent too much time in her head listening to HARRY and not her “instincts” (re: them). I would listen to it again and offer my opinion, but in a desperate attempt to be The Voice, they’re trying REALLY hard to make this show about the judges. Because Randy just KNOWS Kree would have chosen “the Etta James version” And that would be fine if Harry Connick Jr. was a judge because HE CAN SCHOOL RANDY JACKSON ANY OL’ DAY. Maybe the singers SHOULD learn the melodies than put their own stamp on it rather than trying do be themselves during _____’s version of said classic.
Tonight, there’s only one REAL winner and his name is Harry Connick Jr. He’s in it to win it, yo.
End note: Since there weren’t even enough commercials to fill the bloated, two-hour time slot, there was a surprise group sing involving backup dancers. Um, ok.
Truth be told, blogging or even watching American Idol just seems even more pointless and soul-killing than usual this evening—and it has nothing to do with the oddly, glazed-over dead-eye faux-fierce stares of the Final 5 Females in their pre-credits closeup. Certainly the Final 5 Cylons had more going on in there than the bulk of this crew. (Candice Glover, I love you honey, no matter what.) But in all seriousness, some whack job just set off some homemade bombs down the street and its impossible not to sit here and reevaluate so many things that once seemed like a priority, or dominated any space in my head…yet I just want to turn my brain off.
Candice Glover
Straight Up
Candice is a very good wrestler with adorable parents who says her birth year, 1989, was a year for dancing. In any case, her take on Paula Abdul’s (NEVER FORGET) biggest hit was certainly the only thing actually intriguing me about tonight’s show. A completely different take on the original with a hep cat jazz vibe and lots of nifty runs (or as Keith Urban says, they’re like winking at someone across the bar), I suspect Tyler Perry is already making phone calls in order to use it in his next WOMAN GET MAD AT INFIDELITY movie. The camerapersons carefully avoid shooting Nicki’s totally bursting cleavage. Randy looks ridiculous, says some ridiculous crap. Candice says Janelle picked the song for her and thanks her (Candice is a very nice person), but I worry if this isn’t the beginning of the end for the most talented contestant in the entire competition since she really went above & beyond with last week’s show-stopping version of The Cure’s Love Song. Hell, Jimmy is already here talking about how Straight Up was too limiting for Candice’s massive vocal range. That Jimmy Iovine, the angry old man on the porch telling you to get off his lawn. Get off Jimmy Iovine’s lawn, damn you.
Janelle Arthur
When I Call Your Name
Also born in 1989, Janelle’s mother looks like how you would imagine her mother to look and when Janelle was a baby, the only thing that could get her to stop crying was the sound of Vince Gill’s voice. She is wearing a maxi-dress and wielding her guitar, which is the Idol Country Girl way of bringing out the big guns without actually bringing the firearms they own on stage. Its safe and its boring and there is lots of imagery involving autumn and tree branches, but its one of her better performances. Its controlled, mellow, and in tune. I sort of feel like slow dancing in a country bar to the beat of my melancholy, uncertain hope. Then again, perhaps I’m just emotionally drained and feeling generous. But Nicki (essentially) tells her to keep her guitar at all times, just as she instructed Angie to do with the piano last week. Randy declares Janelle to be back (yawn). The most interesting part is that Keith, the only country singer on the panel, disagrees with the lot of them and says he didn’t feel anything genuine about it. Suddenly, Keith is my favorite judge. Look at Keith go! Saying stuff that means something. Go Keith go! Old Man Jimmy is like yeah, Keith, tell those kids to get off my porch, I don’t like them singing Row Row Row Your Boat.
Kree Harrison
She Talks To Angels
As a youngun in Texas, Kree had red cowboy boots and people called her Snow White and knew she belonged on the stage since age 3. Kree doing The Black Crowes, however, was the 2nd most intriguing thing I read about tonight’s show. Of the two country singers remaining, Kree is heads & tails above Janelle, especially now since she seems to be wearing appropriate clothing for a girl her age (S&M BOOTS!!) and with her pleasant curves (NEVER STICK HER IN A FAT HOUSEWIFE BLAZER AGAIN IDOL STYLISTS). Some parts are a little dull, there is one bum note, and its a little too pure and smooth for such a dark song—come on, Kree, put a little grit into it. But the ending is strong, oh what a strong finish. And the purity of Kree’s voice is nothing to complain about. Why do I suddenly want to know what Mariah Carey uses for shampoo? She probably washes with unadulterated Brazilian baby placenta, though, and I don’t have that kind of money. Nicki starts talking British and proclaims Kree the best and most current of the night. Shockingly, Mariah addresses her directly, which I think is a first and is all really stupid because it was like Mariah saying it was REALLY GOOD and Nicki saying no bitch, she is GREAT. So its all rather petty and stupid and maybe we should just talk about how pretty Kree looks tonight. Jimmy keeps yelling at those damned kids. Call the cops already, Jimmy! The damned vandals, they’re not singing the right songs on my lawn.
A photo of a fat, naked, very white baby in a bath is shown. Seacrest asks, CAN YOU GUESS WHO THIS MAY BE? Well lookie here, Ryan, there are 5 girls left, 3 have performed, 2 are left. (If 2 Idol contestants leave the bus stop with one going east and the other going west, how many minutes will it take…) One of the remaining contestants is caucasian. The other one is African-American. OMG WHO IS THE FAT NAKED VERY WHITE BABY?
Angie Miller
I’ll Stand By You
Angie was an elf, then a really fat naked baby who stuck traffic cones on her heads. Suddenly, everything gets very weird for me when I realize Angie’s parents might be my age. Dedicating The Pretenders’ classic to her home, Boston (I still have NO IDEA where she is from around here), obviously Angie Miller isn’t going anywhere this week, but damn, does she start out shrill. And everything is so mechanical. At a certain point, she gets really excited and nearly loses her breath, perhaps its the rolling fog, but likely more a desperate attempt at showing some degree of real emotion—of which it just fails miserably. Jesus Christ, I can’t read anything about the attacks without crying, you were born here. Granted you’ve been in LA but honey, this is your home. And if you couldn’t FEEL IT, then there’s zero hope for you. No one really wants to say, hey, Angie, you show zero emotion when you sing, maybe you’re too young, too Christian, too pageanty, but you can’t really, because like, OUR HOME WAS JUST ATTACKED, so Mariah and Keith skirt around the issue (Nicki was the only one NOT to stand after her performance, btw), as does Nicki—who offers the most plastic, who-the-fuck-cares commentary she’s dished out to anyone without a penis this season. Randy follows suit, hey, great shout out to Boston, these are 5 of the best girls we’ve ever had on this show…Oh Jimmy, please tell Angie Miller to get off your lawn. Yes. It feels horrible criticizing someone in light of everything right now, but am I allowed to be somewhat perturbed at the complete lack of genuine emotion she felt while banging on that keyboard? Is she just a series of random Arduinos using a simple singing program wired together in a comely-enough love doll? NO JIMMY NO WHY YOU LET HER ON YOUR LAWN.
Some big “surprise” involves Carley Rae Jepsen and a camera and the Idol finale and what might be a song about this blog.
Amber Holcomb
Without You
Amber has like, never been told she is bad or mediocre at anything. Granted, her Dad is kind of awesome and ostensibly tough as nails so maybe I can get behind her showy self-confidence. And she knows she’s doing a cover of a Henry Nilsson song and not a Mariah original. But most of all, she’s pretty much got the best innate fashion sense of anyone on the show this season, not to mention at times alternating in appearance from an African-American JWOWW to an African-American Jennifer Lawrence, and like, both JWOWW and Jennifer Lawrence are pretty bad ass. HOWEVER, I’m still not really sure about why Idol is totally grooming Miss Holcomb for the big dance, other than she’s young and cute and could maybe be marketed as a not really naughty American Rhianna or something. The song is all big and Mariah-y when it needs to be and there’s all fog and stuff but its all very…still. Totally think Amber knows she could NEVER top the GREATEST PERFORMANCE OF WITHOUT YOU OF ALL TIME. And why is she even going to RISK this in front of Ms. Mariah F**king Carey? Everyone is like, oh, you did good, but like, you aren’t Mariah.
We gotta Amber Alert going on…why did I just say that? I wish I didn’t say that.
Keith Urban is super fun tonight, no? And for someone who has a reputation as a Diva, Mariah Carey certainly comes off as a genuinely nice person on this show. How does she not have Jennifer Lopez’s acting career?!
Candice Glover
When You Believe In Love
Candice is covering a Mariah-Whitney duet, even though she once swore she would never do a Mariah song in front of Mariah on this show but you know, that all changed when The Lamb Queen doused her in glitter last week. Naturally, Candice sings the f**k out of it and Nicki subsequently spends about 4 minutes actually waxing on about the brilliance of Mariah and Randy is all like, I was at the Oscars when they won an Oscar for that song and you have one of the best voices in the known world. And then Mariah is like Rest In Peace to the great Whitney Houston. Personally, they should have declared Candice Glover the winner before the season even began. Sadly, she probably won’t even win—but she does make Mariah Carey cry good gooey happy tears and that’s kind of sweet.
Janelle Arthur
Dumb Blonde
It makes perfect sense Janelle’s personal idol is Dolly Parton, I mean hell, Dolly Parton is sort of most people’s idols in the grand scheme of things. But Janelle wants to play up the am-I-or-aren’t-I a dumb blonde part, she’s all like, do I go FULL PICKLER or try to be a homeless man’s Underwood? In any case, she’s wearing a killer skirt. The vocals are a bit shaky, which she tries to mask my working the stage, which sort of then makes it even more uneven and breathless, but like, her legs looks really good in that skirt with those boots. As the first non-ballad of the evening, you kind of want more, ya know? Then again, you’re just happy to hear something with a beat. GET OFF JIMMY’S LAWN LITTLE MAMAMARSHMELLOW.
Kree Harrison
Have You Ever Been In Love?
Kree is good and all, but yawn. What were they hearing? What were they seeing? And the judges are giving out standing ovations like copies of Randy Jackson’s Music Club Vol. 1. But yeah, I guess it was controlled and showed her versatility since it was easy listening and not country, and whatever this combination is, it makes Nicki talk British—WAIT this is because KREE IS WORLDLY A LA ADELE AND CELINE DION.
Angie Miller
Halo
So Angie’s Diva Idol is Beyonce, yet every other week when the theme was some sort of personal favorite, she went with obscure/previous contestant Christian artists? Sigh. I guess Beyonce is everyone’s hero or something, or at least that’s what happens after you see her live (or so I hear) so she might actually be the female second-coming of Mr. Bruce Springsteen. (What defines DIVA anyway? What if I was on here and wanted to sing Robyn? Would that count?) This time, Angie is sans piano, but her hair is still big and she gets graphics featuring her head. Oh man, it just hit me OF COURSE THIS WOULD BE THE BEYONCE SONG SHE WOULD SING because its about a HALO and ANGELS HAVE HALOS. The whole run part gets super lost, no? And where are the backup singers? Are they hiding or are they Memorex? They sound so far away…I guess it doesn’t matter, though, as Keith declares TOP 3 and Nicki makes up some story about Beyonce actually watching her performance—which naturally means Randy is like THIS ONE IS IN IT TO WIN IT.
Amber Holcomb
What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life
If there was any contestant who was Beyonce-ish, it would be Amber Holcomb, who’s Top 5 pimp spot includes an Robert Palmer Girl-inspired orchestra, side chignon, and massive chandeliers. It all feels very Linda Rondstadt What’s New album my mother used to play all the time in the car, minus the big-big band. The judges have gotten waaaaay too nice since Lazaro was sent packing, but they, and the show REALLY want Amber in the finale. No one can understand why she keeps ending up in the Bottom 2! (Psst—America is racist. Only one talented African-American woman can get your votes for awhile.) Nicki says YOUNG WHITNEY HOUSTON. Randy says YOUNG RHIANNA (told you so) and proclaims this the most difficult song to sing of the entire season. But worst of all, Ryan Seacrest tells Amber she looks REGAL.
STOP TELLING BLACK WOMEN IN DRESSY CLOTHING THEY LOOK REGAL DAMMIT. Its the equivalent of calling a black man “articulate,” or discussing Morgan Freeman’s gravitas. And it is weird of me to wonder if all five of the remaining girls have hopped on the same menstruation cycle yet?
Anyway, Janelle will be voted off tomorrow night but will live to sing another week as the judges HAVE TO use that damned save. So its really all non-consequential, ya know? Like a lot of the things…And even though this was minutely entertaining, You’re being kind of a dick there, La-la-lazaro. And I just realized your fans were/are called Lazis. Eek.)
Yawn. Turn off your TV. Spend the rest of the evening with someone you love, even if its your cat, even if it means calling an old friend. Tell them what they mean to you. Wash off the day and the shitty thing someone did to piss you off. It doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Life is precious and all too short.
xxoo — Melinda (& Oskar)
We love you.
Say A Little Prayer For Dudes: American Idol Top 6 means you just need to watch the last 6 minutes
Spring is here! I think. No more feeling down, like a someone wielding a penis this season on American Idol. Lazaro is still packing heat and everyone hates him, but then again, no one really seems like they have much personality anyway. And now he’s the only one left who can strut out on stage sans skivvies and sport a noticeable bulge. He’s a smart contestant, don’t you see it?
Last week, I was in San Francisco for a conference. Apparently, Adam Lambert’s annual vacation spot thinks I’m a “global leader” or some such nonsense, so they invited me to a Marriott in Oakland. It ended up being quite wonderful, though, and I ate lots of avocado and drank alcohol and did not miss American Idol one bit.
Poor Burnell. They should have saved Burnell but he’s a dude, so that wasn’t happening. The Judges’ Save can be used this week or its gone, and since no girl has ostensibly been on the verge of elimination, they haven’t used it. Idol cannot risk having a male winner, and they will not this year—but one will definitely “almost be going home” tomorrow night.
Um, Hi Jon Voight I mean Anthony Hopkins. (I always forget Anthony Hopkins is a legitimate fan of American Idol.) And no, woman with posterboard sign—Boston does not love Angie. At least not anyone I know, hell, its not that they don’t love her, they just don’t know who she is.
SONGS FROM THE BURT BACHARACH AND HAL DAVID CATALOG? SONGS THE CONTESTANTS WISH THEY HAD WRITTEN? Only one of those themes has the possibility of not being Muzak.
Angie Miller
Anyone Who Had A Heart
Angie seems to believe that jumping around and yelling stuff in front of a video camera equates to a “super-embarassing” video on YouTube. She also loves hard core music, which is just Christian Metal so don’t get excited. Angie is nearly always the best styled of the contestants, and I imagine this is a conspiracy to get her a brand new Ford. I can barely hear
In the time that I’ve been gone, Keith somehow grew a pair and told Angie she lacks passion, even though she has a great voice and looked great. He did not say he loved her, not even once! Nicki agrees, as does Randy and Mariah for all intents & purposes. Are the judges just NOW realizing she’s a soulless stick? Nicki calls her performance “old-fashioned” — THEY ARE SIGNING BURT BACHARACH SONGS.
American Idol was inducted into the National Broadcasters’ Hall of Fame. Ryan Seacrest lets a teenage blond girl who lacks the ability to close her mouth hold this very important trophy.
Amber Holcomb
I Say A Little Prayer For You
The most interesting thing we know about Amber is that she eats frozen (cooked) shrimp out of the bag. She calls them “shrimp-sicles.” While nowhere near as memorable or groundbreaking as JWOWW asking for ham cold cuts on the premiere of Jersey Shore, it might be one of the more interesting things I’ve seen on the show since 2010. In fact, I would rather hear about the frozen shrimp than listen to CUE UP THE BOSSA NOVA. Amber’s strapless, faux-denim jumpsuit might be terrible if she wasn’t singing a Dionne Warwick classic. Its equal parts chola and 70s Newport Alive With Pleasure on The Love Boat glam.
Amber’s performance is good and upbeat and mostly fun and didn’t put me to sleep, but Nicki thinks its the greatest thing ever and now Amber is her favorite girl in the competition. Randy says the competition just started and that Amber is trying to win — did he FINALLY stop saying in it to win it? I’m pretty sure Mariah is drunk. She’s a relatively coherent drunk, but she’s still drunk. Keith says Amber never oversings, but did not say he loves her.
Pretty sure Seacrest just made a gay slur when asking if Paul Jolley or Ethan Velez were her boyfriend, as Nicki commented she “got her focus back with her boyfriend gone.” So Burnell. Ok.
Lazaro Arbos
Close To You
Four-wheelers. Hunting. SPANISH REDNECK GUY. America needs to embrace Lazaro, ok? Ensi-si-si-sign Crusher still isn’t wearing underwear, even in this matchy-matchy Aztec suit he’s donning. And the poor guy has to do The Carpenters’ Close To You, and all I can think of is Rick Moranis in Parenthood.
The judges hate Lazaro, but love his courage. But they hate him, and Randy says its his worst performance. Mariah says she needs to start judging so tells him he ignored a key change, which effectively ended the song, and how if he doesn’t know this, he’s in big trouble. She then talks to herself and clears her throat, trying to figure out what to say. Yet I can’t really hate on Mariah, Randy was a fucking prick. Keith is pleasant enough, although its a bit underhanded to say how Lazaro’s millions of fans will vote for him regardless. Rudely suppressing giggles for the entirety of the critiques, Nicki then bows out of saying anything because it will take forever. I give up. Sure, Lazaro maybe should be competing on this level but this is just an abusive game designed to ensure a female winner.
Kree Harrison
What The World Needs Now
They took her out of the blazers. Good. They’re still dressing her like a fat girl. Bad. Kree loves rodeos. Ok. Kree’s brother is there. Good. Kree is the first contestant to actually UPDATE the arrangement of a song. The cold open. They teeny bit of twang. It’s smooth. It rolls along nicely. It didn’t feel old-fashioned.
Rather than talk about the judges or Nicki caling her Kree-dom, or Randy throwing another jab at Lazaro—which really holds less weight when you consider he’s an adult man wearing a Swarvoski crystal pendant of Guy Fieri’s likeness—I would rather rant about the Idol stylists dressing Kree like a fat housewife. She is a BEAUTIFUL GIRL. STOP IT. So she has “curves.” Stop throwing a Lane Bryant drop cloth on the girl and put her in something that fits.
Janelle Arthur
Never Fallin’ In Love Again
When Janelle was in 8th grade, she dressed in drag to play someone named Wilbur in a school play. As lame as it is, this is more interesting than Janelle’s performance, or her sorority-girl-on-the-first-day-of-rush white ensemble. Even aping the blond country gals before her and singing into the ears of male judges, Janelle is just Ja-dull, so the judges call her lackluster. Plus they need a female to start throwing under the bus, and Janelle is by far the weakest of the bunch at this point.
Candice Glover
Don’t Make Me Over
In addition to English, Candice also speaks a dialect native to St. Helena Island, which is almost as good as Lazaro being a Spanish Redneck. Candice Glover is the shit. Candice Glover sings with this crazy thing called emotion, like, she actually FEELS it. Candice Glover shouldn’t even be competing with the rest of this lot, save for Kree Harrison, perhaps. If there is any justice, those two will be in the Finale. But we all know better and it won’t be that way.
Randy says in it to win it. YOU ARE WEARING A SWARVOSKI GUY FIERI PIN YOU F**KING ASSHAT. I’m also starting to love Mariah’s hand-talking, but maybe because it just means when she’s doing it, the likelihood of Randy speaking is minimized.
Angie Miller
Love Came Down
Angie plays the piano and sings Jesus songs for Jesus set against a projection of flying doves. I want this all to end so very badly. The judges basically tell her to stick behind the piano. For some reason, I liken Angie to Rachael Ray. Except Rachael Ray doesn’t shove Jesus in her meatballs.
Amber Holcomb
Love On Top
Amber doing Beyonce is VERY SMART. Amber alluding to a little relationship with Burnell is also very smart. Homegirl really needs to burn the terrible 80s graffiti blazer, though. On the plus side, in her pre-performances packages, she sort of reminds me of Black JWOWW. Maybe I’m just thinking about the shrimp-sicles. Anyway, I don’t know this Beyonce song, which feels like a 70s throwback, but Amber gets major points for actually knowing how to work a stage, even if it sometimes thinks we’re getting a wee bit dizzy from going in circles. (Also noted: I am the only person who doesn’t know Beyonce’s complete discography. Got it.)
Lazaro Arbos
Angel
Today at work, we got on the subject of WORST SONGS EVER and my coworker Justin decided to make a Spotify playlist of the worst songs ever. Goo Goo Dolls, Creed, Smashmouth…I suggested Soundgarden’s Black Hole Sun and Robbie Williams’ Angel. These songs, along with Ain’t No Mountain High Enough, make me want to shoot things.
But I don’t want to shoot Lazaro. I feel for this kid because he doesn’t deserve to be shit on by the judges in such a harsh way, I mean, sure, honesty is GREAT, but Nicki and Randy are just downright cruel at this point. And hey—he is stuttering less since we first met him! And this performance really isn’t terrible, even though its a terrible song. He changed a key a few times. I’m not sure what Keith said except that the girls were just so good, but Nicki essentially refusing to even judge him is pretty twat-ish. Randy and Mariah say he improved but you know, the girls are just so damn good.
Kree Harrison
Help Me Make It Through The Night
Kree sings Kris Kristofferson, k? BUT YAY SHE IS WEARING SOMETHING THAT FITS AND SHE LOOKS FANTASTIC. Kree has this gorgeous, pure tone. She is country in her soul, without going full-on twang. The band is fantastic. I think I kind of like Kree.
Musicians are good on this one, so good they get a Nicki shoutout, apparently. Kris Allen-a-like WTF RYAN SEACREST CALLING THE FIDDLER ADAM DURITZ?!
Janelle Arthur
The Dance
Naturally, if Janelle could have written any song, it would have been Garth Brooks’ The Dance. While better than her first performance, it has the depth of a girl 3 months off a breakup and 3 beers singing it on Wednesday night karaoke at suburban “family pub.”
Mariah Carey has never heard The Dance before tonight. Um…um…and the bloom has faded off the Janelle rose for Nicki, and she thinks she’s in danger of going home. Granted, that’s how its going to play out anyway just so the judges can use the save.
Candice Glover
Love Song
Candice Glover covering THE CURE / Adele?! Candice Glover is in a whole other dimension, a dimension where Mariah Carey actually stands up for a standing ovation and walks up to her and throws glitter. (It’s really not at all surprising that Mariah Carey totes loose glitter around on her person at all times, is it? And hell, she’s had to burn all of her Hello Kitty collectibles since Nicki Minaj publicly uses a Hello Kitty hand mirror.) Randy declares it one of the best performances in the history of the show. I have no idea, but even the little David Lynchian sound snafu went virtually unnoticed as I watched. Candice is crying. Hell, my eyes are watery. Maybe because we suffered through 2 whole hours of schlock before someone actually did something different. For onces, its actually a shame no one watches this crap anymore because they missed THAT.
But that’s why we have the interent, so you can watch the good parts tomorrow.
First—are we sure the tiny backup singer IS NOT Ramiele Malubay? And how can I remember that name but I can’t recall the name of the really cool Stark daughter on Game Of Thrones? Those are just a couple of thoughts from last night’s American Idol, which I DID actually finish viewing. And now I’ll actually be watching and recapping my first Results Show of the season!
It helps I have a sore throat and have no intention on leaving my couch. Since the mute fast-forward buttons both exist, I don’t have to leave the room to escape this One Republic & Katherine McPhee duet, which is simply the most horrifying yet deserved pairing since that chode from Nickleback & Avril Lavigne hooked up. And Colton Dixon? Christ. Oh wait. While I applaud Idol ostensibly offering more on-show support to former contestants…this just feels like the bottom of a barrel being scraped…like nails on a chalkboard.
I’m a super sensitive being. Not only is this painful to watch, I feel for the children, ya know? I want them to STOP STICKING KREE HARRISON IN BLAZER. And I feel bad for Lazaro because he stutters and incurred the wrath of the other guys, and because wardrobe let him dress up as a soda jerk for Tommy Bahama’s Sundaes In Paradise or something—until I realize WHY Lazaro is a brilliant contestant who’s amassing a legion of passionate (female, obvs) fans. HOMEBOY DOES NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR. He’s pulling some Jon Hamm tactics and pulling his junk down where its supposed to be and forgetting to slip on the skivvies before the pants. HE IS IN IT TO WIN IT FOLKS.
For some reason, Ford might not want to make really bad music videos with the contestants anymore so they’re sending them into schools and having them teach shellshocked young children to sing Phillip Phillips’ Home, the most successful single in all of American Idol history. MILK IT FOR ALL ITS WORTH. Janelle Arthur turns on the I’m-so-moved tears at the right time and in a clearly scripted bit, Ryan asks if she’s thinking about one of HER mentors. Sigh. But straight talk, she was actually good last night. There. I said it.
Let’s just cut to Jimmy Iovine weighing in on the contestants’ performances in retrospect gives the show this very 80s sitcom clip show feel, like when The Golden Girls do the remember the time episodes. Poor Lazaro. He’s just the whipping boy, ya know? I think they all assumed Paul Jolley would be the…oh hell, I don’t know. Everything about this show manages to do nothing for me yet almost surprises me in how much less it actually does for me on a weekly basis. My apathy gets more apathetic every Wednesday evening.
Colton Dixon performs and I assume he and Angie Miller are probably going to be embarking on a chaste no-sex-before-marriage relationship by the end of tomorrow. Praise Jesus. That’s all I got.
Has anyone ever seen Ryan Tedder and Rascal Flatts in the same room? EXACTLY. Tedder works the stage like some shit-taste anomaly dude who pretends he’s Chris Martin in front of his bedroom mirror. Katherine McPhee’s outfit is kind of cute and she has a great body, but she’s one of the last people you would want to hang out with, ya know? Kara DioGuardi would probably go shopping with her, obviously, but you and I well, we would never even consider it. Katherine McPhee just oozes DO NOT TRUST, and I mean, she allegedly refuses to discuss the [poorly-rated] big-budget network TV show she stars in to reporters anymore. (My only first-hand knowledge of Smash is via Jim C’s YouTube channel but pretty sure that’s all I need.)
Keith Urban is now on stage! Which is good because I’ve been wondering if I know any Keith Urban songs. He’s singing about a long hot summer. Keith Urban is very benign but in a good benign way. It works for him. He deserves more than an #idolKU hashtag. Is Idol just trying to get some March Madness traffic via the Twittersphere? Huh? FIRE YOUR “SOCIAL MEDIA” PERSON. Mariah made a tard sign for Keith. Cute. Or maybe she just took one from some poor sap sitting behind her.
But you know what’s REALLY getting to me right now? While I’ve always been the staunchest advocate for getting the Bottom 3 some comfortable seats as 1 or 2 of them are forced to sit on those terribly uncomfortable stools for much of the Results Show, by doing it bam-bam-bam in the last 10 minutes of the show, well, you gave none of your viewers any reason to tune in before the last 5 minutes. Further reducing your the irrelevancy of the weekly HOUR-LONG results show. Really, Idol? You think you’re gonna draw millions to see Colton “Christchild” Dixon sing? And Katherine McPhee dueting with One f**king Republic?
My gal Debbie The Stage Manager must be MISERABLE this year. Hell, none of the contestants even look happy to be there, even with the comfy seating.
Kree Harrison will get another week to wear a terribly unflattering blazer.
Candice Glover…duh.
Janelle Arthur and her ponytail embrace Kree and Candice. Janelle and Kree would be more interesting if they were lesbians. Janelle Arthur would be slightly more palatable if she stopped wearing terrible sequined things, like booties and jeans and handbags around her neck.
Angie Miller is safe, and Idol says this is in no particular order other than telling the boys to go thumb their buttholes.
Amber Holcomb is safe. See my above comment.
None of the boys will be saved, we know this. Its a girls’ year. Blah blah blah. And Lazaro is safe. Devin is not. All of this is very sad. All of these gender politics, Lazaro being hated on because he stutters and because he keeps getting to stay there. Its all kind of depressing.
But sadness and depression, all the drama, the politicking, this is when Mariah shines. MARIAH IS SAD. MARIAH CRIES TEARS. Wipe them away little Lambs, wipe them away. SING YOUR SPANISH DEVIN VELEZ. CRY MARIAH CRY CRY CRY.
Can we keep Devin? Please? HE SANG HIS LITTLE HEART OUT. Perhaps. It almost certainly guarantees they’ll be able to sacrifice Lazaro next week, but if they save a boy…They will not risk it. We know what Mariah wants. Or at least she is playing, but I’ve seen Glitter, so I suspect its genuine since homegirl cannot act. Randy cruelly smiles. Randy is a dick. But in the end, I suspect Devin kind of wanted to get the hell out.
Yes. I may have an entire blog devoted to hating on American Idol—a ridiculously inane and scripted monstrosity that should have been put out to pasture in 2010—but tonight, for whatever reason, it just feels wrong. There’s nothing nice about it anymore. Do dreams come true? Or are they merely destroyed? And if one really insists on twisting the hearts & minds of the allegedly talented in front of millions under the guise of giving undiscovered talent a chance, can’t they at least get some new songs to sing?
Please note: EXTREMELY ABBREVIATED RECAP GIVEN THIS WEEK’S BOSTON UNDERGROUND FILM FESTIVAL DUTIES!
The annual Motown episode of American Idol, otherwise known as the night when we see how far Smokey Robinson’s skin has been stretched since we saw him this time last year.
American Idol has managed to successfully play-out both The Beatles and Motown, but I guess American Idol knows this so they’ve managed to secure the rights to some Madonna songs this time around. This says everything you need to know. You may wonder why the hell Nicki and Mariah are both wearing red but EQUALITY LOVE BABY trumps even the most divalicious of egos.
I went to Detroit this summer, a city which I always longed to visit. And I loved it. And yes, I visited Motown aka Hitsville USA which is really one of the most fantastic 2 hours you can spend as tourist in your own country in your entire life.
Candice Glover
I Heard It Through The Grapevine
Candice turns the Marvin Gaye/Gladys Knight classic—later played out by sun-dried grape claymation— into something sparkly and bluesy and let’s just come on here. There is Candice Glover and there is everybody else.
Listen to the judge’s critique? Tonight? Ain’t nobody got time for that. But I will say that Keith loves her, Randy says she’s one of the best singers in the competition, and Mariah wants her to sing something churchy & jazzy.
Kree Harrison & Janelle Arthur
Like A Prayer
The last thing this world needs is a country-twist duet between Janelle Arthur and Kree Harrison on THE GREATEST MADONNA SONG OF ALL TIME. Apparently someone named Jennifer Nettles did a country version of Like A Prayer so Blonde and Bad Blazer Bobsey didn’t have to like, arrange anything. In fact, the only discerning thing is that the song has twang and is utterly lifeless where it had Black Jesus and life before. The addition of the racially-diverse choir behind them only helps a little. Just don’t cover Like A Prayer.
For whatever reason, Nicki calls them “two of her favorite girls in the world.” BUT saying “Kree-dom looked like she “flew in to sing with an Idol contestant” is one of the smoothest insults I’ve ever heard on this show, particularly because cheering ensued and Janelle not quite grasping what was just said well…that was entertaining.
Lazaro Arbos
For Once In My Life
Before the break, Ryan stresses Lazaro is trying to REDEEM himself after last week. So he’s doing…Stevie Wonder. And you just know its going to be For Once In My Life. Because its in his wheelhouse. Lazaro is the best he’s been since the live shows began, and there are some moments where he resembles a satin & leather-encrusted Ensign Wesley Crusher. He’s still sweaty and a bit uncertain.
Sometimes you looked disconnected…I don’t know if learning was a tough thing for you in this song.
Stop treating him like he’s special, Randy. Stop calling him courageous, Mariah. Nicki calls Smokey Robinson a sexy specimen and asks him if he will be her sugar daddy. She also commends Lazaro for listening to him and NOT listening to Jimmy. Not to be outdone, Mariah starts lavishing loud praise upon Mr. Robinson—DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HITS THIS MAN HAS HAD? Sure, she might be drunk, but she’s actually looking rather luminous tonight and saying some alright things, so whatever, let the woman drink. Wouldn’t you drink if you had to sit through this shit week in and week out?
