Top Idol

Michael Bay directed this intro, didn’t he? There were even U.S. fighter jets in an unmarked airplane hanger as the music swelled and flags flapped in the wind. Jennifer Lopez made certain it was in her contract to be announced first — You heard what Mr. Seacrest said – Jennifer, Randy, and Steven. Guess what time of year it is, my friends?

I totally ordered Pad See Ewwwwww in honor of tonight’s momentous occasion. And I just felt that was rather appropriate given fact my evening plans. Tonight, the 11th season of American Idol begins. In Savannah. And with all this emphasis on how all these auditioners have been watching the show since they were under the age of 10, well, you know what they’re aiming for. Someone young! And hopefully, someone young who does not require a jock strap or cup when engaging in athletic endeavors.

Of course, the chances of a girl winning this year? Exactly. What are the odds Steven Tyler will stop Single White Female-ing Eddy & Patsy? Not good, but better than a girl winning American Idol.

Who cares? We have all season to debate and I cannot wait. I probably could wait but whatevs, I’ve missed you guys. All of you delightful people who actually waste about 10-15 minutes of your day a couple of times a week reading the absolute drivel I bang out on my keyboard. American Idol is back — and so is TopIdol!

David Leathers, Jr. (Age 17)

David aka Mister Steal Your Girl looks like he’s 12 but he’s actually SEVENTEEN and all the girls love him because he sings and lo and behold, just a couple of years ago, he competed in a singing competition with that Scotty McCreery kid. Remember him? Did you know he went PLATINUM with that album with that song about telling the 3-year-old to lift their arms up above their head? I had no idea until I read that somewhere. No clue. This kid may actually make a few bucks and have a career, and you know what that means, he can buy a lot of lights for his baby to turn down low, and a lot of locks for the back door. And well, you know what? That was last season, on with the new.

I have no idea what Mister Steal Your Girl is singing but kid’s got a voice. You just know they’re gonna ask him if he knows “any Michael Jackson.” And they do. Because any pint-size black kid who doesn’t look his age but can sing pretty well automatically gets thrown into the Jackson bucket. (Personally, Mister Steal Your Girl reminds me of Dave on Degrassi.) But I can’t hate on this kid. He is sort of the exact opposite of a country-singing idiot blonde girl who’s really 16 but dresses likes she’s 42.

Gabi Carruba (Age 16)

Gabi gets “diaper dancer” home videos and a camera crew in her tap dancing studio, followed by an extensive Q&A about Steven Tyler with Ryan Seacrest. When she finally gets into the audition room, she asks to hug Nigel. (Granted, if I was auditioning for ANTM, I would ask to hump the leg of Nigel upon entering the audition room, but that’s Barker, not Lythgoe.) Abby looks all sweet and innocent and freshly-scrubbed and hell, with that natural brown hair, she might even fool me into liking her. I’m softening, aren’t I? NONSENSE. She is super sweet and immediately kisses Nigel’s ass upon meeting the judges. She is either a calculating teenage bitch or a potential National Merit Scholar. Therefore, I will continue to keep one suspect eyebrow raised until proven otherwise.

Brianna Faulk (Age 15)

She’s singing Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody. We have seen this contestant about 654 times before, just under different names. Next, please.

Neco Starr (Age 20)

He did not have to open his mouth for me to know he was gonna sing Bruno Mars.

Molly Hunt (Age 15)

And we have a live one! She fits all of my criteria! Why didn’t anyone tell me Courtney Stodden was auditioning this season?

Elise Testone (Age 28!)

A musician/vocal coach who is not a high school student. Looks a little rough. Deep, bluesy voice. MAMA LIKE.

Tres adorable. Ryan Seacrest is dressing just like his erstwhile lover, Mr. Simon Cowell.

OMG SO MUCH TALENT! NO ONE CAN BELIEVE IT! THEY ARE ALL SO YOUNG AND SO TALENTED! 

Jessica Whitley (Age 19)

There Lea Michele-Pia Toscano love child is very strong in this one. But you know she’s gonna suck eggs because, well, OMG EVERYONE ELSE HAS BEEN SO GOOD. You know how this shit is edited. You know how it works. Sadly, Miss Whitley is one of those poor contestants who has been raised to believe, for likely her entire life, that she is a REALLY GOOD SINGER. You can tell in her inflection, her passion, her elan. She claims dehydration and tells the judges she’ll see them in Texas.

This is just way too feel-good and syrupy. Not that I particularly enjoy watching dreams being dashed, as in more cases than not, the ones allowed to dream big on this show are usually the most insufferable. But this is all so chipper, so buoyant, so…fake. Even by American Idol standards. It’s almost on par with…with…a Jennifer Lopez for Fiat commercial!

Sean Kraisman (Age 26)

People tell him all the time that he looks like Ryan Seacrest. Yawn. He’s clearly angling for a local announcer gig in some second-tier market. (He is apparently a “sales consultant.” I can see that, too. Wonder if its at a T-Mobile or AT&T store.) Or he already has one. Guess I can’t fault the guy for self-promotion.

Shannon Magraine (Age 15)

She’s really tall and has the athletic aura of new-money privlege. Kind of like that Ayla Brown, no? BINGO. Shannon’s father was former Cardinals’ pitcher Joe Magraine, so she’s like Nikko Smith + Ayla Brown. Everyone wants to meet her family! She brings them all in. Not sure where the daughters start and stop but the majority seem to be wearing ROMPERS (The preferred warm weather fashion of TopIdol!) and well, her father was a Cardinal so I mean…and he’s very gregarious and even asks Steven Tyler how things are up in “Beantown” (No one in “Beantown” calls it that, by the way) so I’m warming up to this volleyball-playing rich girl who doesn’t not look like Jennifer Lawrence from certain angles and then Steven Tyler answers Magraine’s query:

Hot, humid, and happening. Just like your daughter.

Oh who cares. I wish he was back on the sauce so we could hear more creepy uncle stuff. Shannon Magraine is marginally talented, she’s bluesy. She sings Etta James AND she doesn’t sing At Last. You know me, I’m a sucker for those teenage contestants who have other things going on, like being literate, or playing volleyball. And she looked like a teenager, ya know? And her father was a Cardinal.

HOW THE HELL HAS NO ONE SANG ADELE YET?

Get ready for the montage of people who suck. People yell. And yell. And yell. And BOOM SHAKA LAKA

We could have had it alllllllll

Seriously? It took THIS long?

Amy Brumfield (Age 24)

When Amy walked in, I thought for sure she was a belly-dancing gypsy kind. Ok. I wasn’t entirely off-base. She lives in a tent off in the middle of the woods in Tennessee. Living in a tent off in the middle of the woods is the new in a van down by the river, no? Amy can’t afford a “$100 a week hotel room” but she does own a few rhinestone baubles. Her significant other wears an ironed shirt. No, these kids aren’t rich, but that’s a nice tent. That’s a decent setup. They’re living in the woods because they want to…but I’m sure Idol wants a better angle, ya know? I mean, they don’t want to stay in a tent forever, but they’re enjoying it. And they love each other. And boyfriend Blake’s mother bought her outfit and jewelry — she ain’t ever been dressed this nice in her entire life.

I like Amy. She’s got spunk. I suspect she’s also a Burner. They could/should be. They must at least do regional burns. These are good-hearted, industrious people. I almost like her enough to not hold singing an Alicia Keys song against her. She’s like a Winter’s Bone Crystal Bowersox. Her voice is raspy and she’s a self-described hippie — not a HIPSIE, Ms. Lopez.

Hey, can I pitch a tent behind the mansion?

If she gets to that miracle mile bullshit and they cut her…I mean, we now have our first cohesive “plot” of Season 11 — unless that Jessica Whitley chick actually does show up in Texas.

Joshua Chavis (Age 23)

Joshua wants to sing in front of a live audience (What? THERE WAS NO OPEN BAR WHERE YOU LIVE?) and hopefully, one day, the national anthem at a NASCAR race. He also mentions his BOYFRIEND and then squeals about meeting Jenny From The Block. With the exception of that last omission, I love this openly gay redneck. American Idol doesn’t want you to know there are gay people, let alone GAY NASCAR FANS.

Of course if gay NASCAR fans do exist, and if they should try out for American Idol and aren’t that good, then they’re probably open for ridicule, right? You know, Joshua isn’t HORRIBLE. If you put him in vocal lessons for a year or 2? He hit some of those notes. I can’t hit those notes. Jennifer Lopez sure as hell can’t hit those notes without autotune. And yes he really wants it, but would you have called him TERRIBLE if he wasn’t gay?

Please Joshua, if you’re reading this, come over and visit TopIdol. We would love to hear from you.

Stephanie Renee (Age 15)

When Stephanie was 8, she watched American Idol all the time. And she LOVED Carrie Underwood. She claims being on American Idol is what every girl dreams of. She’s also wearing a shirt that wouldn’t even be sold at a Forever 21. And of course she’s gonna sing Carrie Underwood’s goddamn winner’s song. JLo says she has some beautiful notes but sounds nasal. Steven says yes (she is female), Randy says no, and of course La Lopez says YES, because La Lopez wants everyone to think she’s a good person.

Stephanie Renee doesn’t seem like a manipulative teen bitch, and she probably reads at at least a 6th grade level. But she did sing Carrie Underwood (the coronation song!) and is already going by her first and middle name alone. (Who do you think you are? LAUREN ALAINA SUDDETH?!) But her family looks appears pleasant enough.

(AM I GOING SOFT?!)

What? We’re only halfway done?! Fine. Let’s revising some [manufactured] sibling drama! I remember these people! He’s the guy with David Cook’s old hair! OH NOEZ! He’s not auditioning this season.

Schyler Dixon (Age 17)

Jennifer Lopez doesn’t really remember her, you know that, right? She saw that Schyler auditioned last year (and how far she got) when she looked down at that little application. She knows she “met you” last year because its on that piece of paper in front of her and the producers told her this before you entered the room. If you met Ms. Lopez on the street, she would spit on you and then laugh.

No Jennifer Lopez. You did not remember her. Stop trying to act. You’re not good at that, either.

So…you can just audition on the spot, even without a number? Even without going through those 3-4 “producer rounds?” No one called you before hand and told you how this was gonna play out?

Bullshit.

Colton Dixon (Age 19)

The man with David Cook’s original hair is gonna sing David Cook’s Permanent. Ok. No offense to David Cook, who remains one of my all-time favorite contestants on this show and, along with Bo Bice, is pretty much responsible for forcing contestants to at least attempt to demonstrate some sort of musicianship, but what dude in their early 20s do you know is all like, I love David Cook. And I think it would be great if David Cook actually got some non-female fans that discovered him outside of American Idol, but this is just weird. And now I’m looking at his vest and his t-shirt and his hair and HOLY FRAKING CHRIST COLTON DIXON IS A DAVID COOK MAU.

This being said, I would actually probably enjoy Colton Dixon on the show if he cut down on the wailing. I can’t see myself enjoying Colton Dixon outside of American Idol, but you know, cheap entertainment for the sake of my blog.

And Brother & Sister Dixon both get golden tickets, although Schyler is still just a number and COLTON DIXON’s name is on his ticket. But they still love each other, even if Brother stole Sister’s moment AGAIN. Isn’t your heart just all tickled and warm right now?

Lauren Mink (Age 25)

There is something almost Connie Britton-esque about this one, and she works with the disabled. Yes she’s blond. Yes she sings country. But she’s kind of Connie Britton-esque and has a real job doing something good and oh christ, she sang a GWYNETH PALTROW song. Did you ever think you would see someone sing A GWYNETH PALTROW SONG…ever? Miss Mink is going to Hollywood. I’m okay with it. Her voice is fine and she is of a normal, healthy weight and wears minimal makeup.

DAY 2

I’ve watched this show long enough to know that when a West African man announces he’s going to sing Rascal Flatts, zero good can come out if it. Because the only thing “funnier” than being gay on American Idol, is being an immigrant. This show can barely get an African-American into the Top 5 anymore, let alone someone who was born about 6000 miles away from the Mason-Dixon Line.

PLEASE OH PLEASE OH PLEASE DON’T HUMILIATE HIM

Mawuena Kodjo (Age 25)

I almost don’t even want to watch. Because no good can come of it. No good can come out of it when you subtitle everything a man says, even though his English abilities are quite up to par. But this is American Idol. And this guy is NOT AMERICAN. Hear him talk with his FUNNY ACCENT. Give him Rhinestone Cowboy as his soundtrack. Give him SUBTITLES. Because its all about the pointing and laughing.

Rascal Flatts? Oh…you like country music?!

Oh Jenny From The Block. Look at you, all surprised, there’s a man from West Africa and he likes country music. And you asked loudly, of course, because that’s what ignorant schmucks do when they think someone doesn’t know English. Too bad he didn’t respond with, oh, but you claim to be Puerto Rican but you did Diddy and Ben Affleck and child backup dancers. Because that’s what I would have said if I was an African man who liked country music and JLo asked me that, just saying.

Sigh…you know what happens.

Oh and to the old redneck outside, not every African man is a runner. Just saying. But at least old redneck and that cadre of children wanted him to go to Hollywood.

I’m gonna be the first African country music star.

I will start taking up a fund for Mr. Kodjo’s singing lessons to prove those bastards wrong. Who’s with me? And who else remembers that absolutely inane show on E! (E! is the Devil) called Love Is In The Heir? Someone else must have seen that show…about an “alleged Iranian-American princess” who wanted to be a country music star and find someone to marry her? Does this sound familiar?

Ashlee Altise (Age 28)

Talkative black girl with dreads = CRAY CRAY. With the rare exception of say, Naima Adeapo, or even Nadia Turner, you cannot be a funky black female on American Idol. You can be a woman of color and maybe even make it to the Top 5, but if you show the slightest signs of irreverence, it is unacceptable. (They had no idea about Fantasia, trust me. THANK YOU FANTASIA FOR BEING CRAY CRAY!) American Idol ascribes to a George Washington Carver world view of sorts, at least when it comes to African-Americans who are not say, established talent appearing on their show. Mostly white idiots watch this crap and Fox/Freemantle assume that they want their black folks to display certain qualities — particularly the women. Sing Whitney. Belt out the high notes. Being fat is okay if you can belt out big notes. Sing it karaoke, just like Aretha and Whitney. Sing that terrible Get Here song. American Idol prefers their ladies of color to be of the adult contemporary variety.

When Ashlee Altise starts belting out Come Together, I am (almost) shocked. She was set up to be cray-cray. SHE HAS DREADS. SHE DANCES. But Ashlee has the pipes to back it up. Also: excellent song choice. Why do I feel as if Ashlee is not long for this world? The good ones never are…and $10 says she’s going to be one of the contestants who pisses everyone off on group day during Hollywood Week.

DAY 2 MONTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO SUCK EGGS

W.T. Thompson (Age 25)

We are led to believe this blond bruiser of a man doesn’t make it. That it’s touch or go. The drama is built up, yet…we see AT-HOME FOOTAGE. And the tears of a young lady. The  former prison screw decided to quit his job to try out for American Idol. Even though he has a pregnant wife. Because it is his dream. Steven says no…Jennifer says yes…Randy likes the power. Randy thinks W.T. will be EATEN ALIVE. Of course W.T. makes it. Hey, that’s cool. His voice was kind of good and he and his friends look like a lot of fun. He doesn’t appear to be a religious kind, like that Michael Sarver, but hell, we only saw him for like, 3 minutes. But I saw no cross and the one buddy looked like a friendly vicious biker.

THIS IS WHY REALITY TV HAS WRITERS

Apparently, in Savannah, there are hundreds of attractive women who cream their panties for Steven Tyler. Yes, Steven Tyler got a lot of tail back in the day, before he morphed into an Ab Fab-loving drag queen, and he’s still got a shitload of money and sometimes still tours with Aerosmith in stadiums across the land, so yes, it is not inconceivable to believe he can still get laid, but come on! I bet some of these girls were too young to even remember Crazy or Cryin’. And they’re auditioning for American Idol! They want to be on TV! People will do anything to be on TV! There’s even an entire network devoted to these individuals and it is called TLC.

Erica Novak (Age 20-something )

Did Erica really travel all the way from Buffalo, NY to meet her “future ex-husband Steven Tyler?” She doesn’t even care if she goes out in “security cuffs” if it means she gets to kiss.

To hell with the golden ticket, just give me a fucking hug.

Doubt Steven Tyler minded his ass getting grabbed. Just like I’m sure Joss Stone is probably okay with people still singing her music, even if its not very good.

Brittany Kerr (Age 23?)

Brittany is a dancer for an NBA team. She is attractive in the bland conventional way dancers for NBA teams are attractive. She is blond. She is also singing…JOSS STONE. WTF JOSS STONE? Her voice is mediocre, at best. Mediocre at best, sufficient for the bland conventionality of an NBA dancer. Once this girl gets the heave-ho, she will likely appear as a contestant on The Bachelor within the next two years.

The only notable part about this audition was that it was used to illustrate something very obvious, that Randy and Steven will always give the “pretty girl” the benefit of the doubt. In reality, it just proved that Jennifer Lopez, like Kara DioGuardi before her, is an insecure twat. Brittany is by no means actress or model pretty and her voice is absolutely nothing to write home about, but she is an NBA dancer currently being admired by 2 men sitting on either side of Jennifer Lopez. SHE IS YOUNGER. She must be eliminated because she is a threat to PEOPLE MAGAZINE’S MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (Come on, kids…why didn’t Pia Toscano get to duet with a more famous & talented person at last year’s finale?)

GAME OVER. ON THE VERY FIRST NIGHT.

Philip Philips (Age 20) 

Philip Philips is inoffensively cute. Cute in the way that you would want the guy your daughter may or may not be schtupping at homecoming to be cute. His middle name, if it is not Philip, should be aw shucks. He wears plaid. He works at his father’s pawn shop, which seems to carry a lot of ready-to-mount taxidermy. Philip Philips has a guitar. Philip Philips is a junior. His father is loving and supportive and smiley also, obviously, named Philip Phillips. His mother, who should be named Philipa but probably is not, loves Ryan Seacrest, although in her opinion, he is not as handsome as Philip Philips, Sr.

Philip Philips is American Idol gold and he doesn’t even have a dead (or comatose) girlfriend. He’s even gonna sing Stevie Wonder’s Superstition. Everybody loves it when white boys sing soul, particularly Stevie Wonder, particularly Superstition. (But black men, well, they just can’t sing country.)

Philip Philips is good. He’s better than your average bar singer and as we’ve seen, he’s cut his teeth playing live shows around his hometown. Philip Philips hasn’t even picked up his guitar. It doesn’t matter that Philip Philips is wearing flip flops. Homeboy can really play guitar. Homeboy is not playing Stairway. Homeboy is playing Thriller. Philip Philips has busted out the big guns his first time out of the gate — was that a mistake, a la Andrew Garcia, who never quite met the expectations set by his acoustic cover of Paula Abdul’s Straight Up? Doubt it.

Philip Philips has the looks of a supporting character on Friday Night Lights. Philip Philips might be the most perfect White-Guy-With-Guitar ever seen on American Idol. It’s like they took all the qualities of the last 4 winners and merged them into one nubile Super-White-Guy-With-Guitar. And frankly, the only think interesting about Your Cousin Phil DeWheezy was that he worked in a paint store. Well, Philip Philips works in a PAWN STORE. He is the plaid shirts & Michael Jackson-loving song-re-arranger with loving parents a la Kris Allen. He has the aw shucks guy-next-door demeanor and speaking tendencies of Scotty McCreery, although its a bit more seasoned given the fact he has a few years on the kid. He sings his re-arranged songs with the throatiness of the original WGWG, David Cook. His guitar skills even appear to be on par with Season 9′s Casey James, who may have not been the most talented WGWG vocally, but damn, that could could play guitar. Philip Philips is also NOT wearing a cross.

Dear Philip Philips, I feel very, very sorry for you. You have no idea what’s gonna happen now that all those old ladies, ahem, American Idol’s ardent fanbase, has seen you on their television screens.

Yes, yes. It is only the first night out but I think we have a winner. American Idol is never as entertaining as I want it to be, but I’ve been sitting here typing about it for almost 4 hours so I really want it to be, ya know? Tonight’s episode was surprisingly–with the exception of the whole mocking immigrants and gay NASCAR fans thing, and (obviously) Jennifer Lopez–kind of…good? It dragged on forever and people kept singing Joss Stone (didn’t she go the way of the dodo bird and Leelee Sobieski?), but it could have been so much worse. It could have been…last year.

What did you think of tonight’s show? How much did you have to drink to get through the entire 2 hours? Do you think Philip Philips is gonna win it all, even though we’ve only seen one audition city? Do you think they should just throw in the towel and change the name of the show to American White Guy With Guitar Mild Idol? Start talking.